Is this a good poem???

[Vixen-XXX]

A Man I Love But Hate

I dream at night of a man I’ve loved
His body firm
And arms so strong
But a touch that is quite gentle

One night we lay beneath the stars
Our bodies side by side
One night we fight, a fight of words
One night I cry & cry

He loves me dear, but this I cannot tell
But who could when he’s under beer’s dark spell

I love this man with all my heart
But leave him if I must

Our bonds grow weak
And then stay weak
I love this man so much
I think about him & his touch

Sometimes I wish he’d leave me
Sometimes I wish he’d stay
This time I wish he’d stay
Stay and never go away

But his anger is a knife
My body is the creed
And if I stay
My heart shall truly bleed

---THE END---

 

[Vixen-XXX]

I would really like some feedback...

 

[Enodia]

He loves me dear, but this I cannot tell
But who could when he’s under beer’s dark spell

I dont' like this part.

The only other problem is the format....moves from rhyming cuplets, to rhyming every other line, to not rhyming at all, to iambic pentameter, to no rhythm.

The feeling is excellent, and very genuine. The words are good, as well. Just work on the format of it.

 

[Vixen-XXX]

I ment that part to talk about his drinking problem... I will try to improve!

 

[Enodia]

it's not that I don't like it in it's entirety or meaning, I just don't like the wording, or the formatting. Perhaps break it into 4 lines, rather than two long lines.

*edited to add: I'm talking specifically about the part about the drinking.

 

[Angeline]

Hi Vixen and welcome.

I find your poem very moving. You've done an excellent job, imo, of conveying the mixed emotions one feels when the person you most want to love is also the one who hurts you the most.

Also, your format is very simple--stark lines and simple words; that's also good because it helps establish the tone, which I feel as a mix of yearning and despair. Yes, I think you need to tighten up your poem, but conveying raw emotion is the hardest part, and you've already done that.

I want to think about your poem--I'll comment more extensively tomorrow.

Here is one I wrote a few years ago that sort of feels the same to me.

*****

After I Loved You

After I loved you
I was so tiny
I could not be seen.
I became microscopic.
I was so weak
I could not be heard.
I became invisible and people walked past me.
I became a ghost and people walked through me.
I became a thing you left on the hall table;
you forgot I was there.
I looked at the wall for years.
It was smooth and quiet and empty.
I pressed my face to it.
I could not scream.
I became smooth and quiet and empty.
There was nothing to say.

After I loved you
I became so small
I was trapped.
I could not reach a chair in my own house .
I slid off the bed.
You walked past me one thousand times.
I was behind the dirty clothes,
caught in your blue flannel shirt.
I was a particle of food in a crack
on the dining room table.
I was a mote of dust
picked up from the floor
and blown with the forced of air
landed on a photograph of myself
when I was me.

But I was only dust,
and unaware there was life
trapped in the glass beneath me.




P.S. I left. It got better.

 

[Vixen-XXX]

I have submited the poem to LIT. I hope the take it!!! I will keep you posted!!!

 

[Vixen-XXX]

I'm in!!!! My poem is now on Lit.!

 

[Enodia]

CONGRATULATIONS!