Is this a convincing male voice?

[DeLaFaye]

Hey everyone,

This is my first attempt at a male voice and I'm wondering if it seems plausible? This story is my most read on this site, so it seems like people enjoy it, not entirely sound logic but sill. I'm just torn about whether or not it's believable as a male pov?

My Fire Pixie, FayeVance
https://literotica.com/s/my-fire-pixie

Any/all feedback is welcome! Thank you!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Nothing wrong with the male voice that I could see. Reads okay, and zings along at a good pace. It's an easy read. Keep writing!

 

[TheRedChamber]

I agree with EB that the story is good - works well for the length. The male voice is generally fine I think, but, given your request I looked closely and found the following nit-picks.

1) His initial dislike of the girl in the first couple of paragraphs doesn't quite ring true to me. She's clearly attractive and his grumbles sound a bit too much like female grumbles. We don't really think about how much time and money it takes to maintain a hairstyle, we just go 'pink hair' - heh, quirky. Similarly we're pretty unlike to see being 'coy' as a negative. Similarly the idea of going to something just to have something to talk about is pretty alien to us - if someone is going to something we just naturally assume it's because they want to go, unless we have clear evidence. I often find my wife mysteriously assigns motives to people that she couldn't possibly know and it is akin to mindreading to me.

2) We don't really get a proper description of the guy narrator, so I bounced back and forth between him being an active outdoors hunk, but then the interest in mushrooms and the wanting to be alone made him come across as a bit more geeky and insular.

3) Generally a man is happy if he gets to spend time alone with an attractive lady who just said they hate their boyfriend. Unless he really finds her just that irritiating, then its strange thta he's still annoyed, especially given that he suddenly falls in love with her very soon afterwards.

4) In the scene where he wanks, it's noticable that he doesn't do any clean-up. He'd need some paper to at least wipe over his cock and hands.

5) There's one line towards the end. 'I looked up at the stars and they were nothing compared to her.' This is okay for a poetically minded man, but doesn't really fit the tone of the rest of the narrative.

As I said before, I probably wouldn't have noticed any of this unless I was focusing on the 'maleness' of the text but it's what stood out to me.

 

[DeLaFaye]

Nothing wrong with the male voice that I could see. Reads okay, and zings along at a good pace. It's an easy read. Keep writing!

Thank you so much!

 

[DeLaFaye]

I agree with EB that the story is good - works well for the length. The male voice is generally I think, but, given your request I looked closely and found the following nit-picks.

1) His initial dislike of the girl in the first couple of paragraphs doesn't quite ring true to me. She's clearly attractive and his grumbles sound a bit too much like female grumbles. We don't really think about how much time it takes to maintain a hairstyle, we just go 'pink hair' - heh, quirky. Similarly we're pretty unlike to see being 'coy' as a negative. Similarly the idea of going to something just to have something to talk about is pretty alien to us - if someone is going to something we just naturally assume it's because they want to go, unless we have clear evidence. I often find my wife mysteriously assigns motives to people that she couldn't possibly know and it is akin to mindreading to me.

2) We don't really get a proper description of the guy narrator, so I bounced back and forth between him being an active outdoors hunk, but then the interest in mushrooms and the wanting to be alone made him come across as a bit more geeky and insular.

3) Generally a man is happy if he gets to spend time alone with an attractive ladie whose just said they hate their boyfriends. Unless he really finds her just that irritiating, then its strange thta he's still annoyed, especially given that he suddenly falls in love with her very soon afterwards.

4) In the scene where he wanks, it's noticable that he doesn't do any clean-up. He'd need some paper to at least wipe over his cock and hands.

5) There's one line towards the end. 'I looked up at the stars and they were nothing compared to her.' This is okay for a poetically minded man, but doesn't really fit the tone of the rest of the narrative.

As I said before, I probably wouldn't have noticed any of this unless I was focusing on the 'maleness' of the text but it's what stood out to me.

THANK YOU! I very much appreciate your insights here. I was definitely just making his voice gruff with a lot of swearing because apparently that's how I think males think. Very helpful information and thank you for spending the time on your response!

 

[RoperTrace]

I got a fairly convincing male voice and persona throughout the story. I have to admit to looking up mycological early on. I'm a little familiar with mushrooms but not that term. I thought at one point the MC was kind of petty, complaining to himself about having to go on a trip alone with an attractive, although somewhat flakey girl. I suppose that could happen, just not among any of my male friends over the years. The sex sounded pretty realistic from a male perspective. Good job.

 

[DeLaFaye]

I got a fairly convincing male voice and persona throughout the story. I have to admit to looking up mycological early on. I'm a little familiar with mushrooms but not that term. I thought at one point the MC was kind of petty, complaining to himself about having to go on a trip alone with an attractive, although somewhat flakey girl. I suppose that could happen, just not among any of my male friends over the years. The sex sounded pretty realistic from a male perspective. Good job.

Thank you! I generally like to minimize my descriptors in erotica but if I flush out this story I'll definitely give the readers a better image of him. And thank you! I remember asking my husband for some insights in how things feel for him, internally, emotionally, etc. and he was basically no help. I honestly thought about asking some ex's but pretty sure that'd send the wrong message.

 

[RoperTrace]

Thank you! I generally like to minimize my descriptors in erotica but if I flush out this story I'll definitely give the readers a better image of him. And thank you! I remember asking my husband for some insights in how things feel for him, internally, emotionally, etc. and he was basically no help. I honestly thought about asking some ex's but pretty sure that'd send the wrong message.

But it would make a heckuva story. 'Interview With My Ex's'

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you! I generally like to minimize my descriptors in erotica but if I flush out this story I'll definitely give the readers a better image of him.

I wouldn't futz with this story.

Write more stories, try different points of view, first person, third person, male, female. You'll learn a lot more about writing, and find your own natural style a lot faster, if you write different stories, not the same one over and over. It's a good little beginner's piece, but don't try to put too much weight on its shoulders. Write more stories, but leave this little one be, is my suggestion.

 

[DeLaFaye]

I wouldn't futz with this story.

Write more stories, try different points of view, first person, third person, male, female. You'll learn a lot more about writing, and find your own natural style a lot faster, if you write different stories, not the same one over and over. It's a good little beginner's piece, but don't try to put too much weight on its shoulders. Write more stories, but leave this little one be, is my suggestion.

Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate the suggestion. I’ve always been an avid reader but just started writing creatively in the last 6 months or so. I’m happy with my progress from my first piece to more recent ones but I can’t seem to really find my own voice. I seem to reflect whatever I’ve been reading at the time or even mimicking the ‘vibe’ of a song that strikes just right.