Is there anyone awake or sober enough....

[McKenna]

....to help me with poetry?


I'd post at the poetry board, but I'm chicken. (brok brok)

I need help with this poem:


Reluctant Lovers

We embrace as reluctant lovers,
Insomnia and me.
Three kisses, alternating cheeks,
Like the Nederlanders do.
We do not sit and have a glass of wine,
Nor do we discuss the day’s events
–He simply waits out the night
While I play silent sycophant.

I wish that I could slide down his body
And suck his cock,
Seduce him into surrendering that for which I seek:
Sleep.

But he keeps me waiting;
-He always does-
Until, at the last possible moment
Just before my sanity slips away,
He fucks me stealthily
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.


* * * * * * * *
I have problems with the word "stealthily", but can't think of a better way to say it. He sneaks up on me, you see, and finally gives me what I seek. Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake. Is there a word that conveys all that?

The other thing I'm worried about is the use of "until" THREE times in the last stanza.

Is there a better way to say it?

Does it matter that I am repetitive?


Muchos gracias allemaal.

 

[Belegon]

Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake.

this is the meaning that the use of stealthily does not convey for me...but I can't think of a word that does all that either...if you really want that second meaning you might need another line...

I don't have any problem with the repetition of Until though, especially at the start of a line...

 

[McKenna]

Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake.

this is the meaning that the use of stealthily does not convey for me...but I can't think of a word that does all that either...if you really want that second meaning you might need another line...

I don't have any problem with the repetition of Until though, especially at the start of a line...

Thank you, Bel. I always appreciate a second opinion. I like your suggestion, as well. I will consider it.

 

[Guest]

It's beautiful, really.

And Until works for me - it emphasizes the action.

Instead of stealthily -

Could you break it up?

-with stealth or in stealth?

-or plundering

-or pillaging

or some other lovely naughty phrase?

 

[McKenna]

It's beautiful, really.

And Until works for me - it emphasizes the action.

Instead of stealthily -

Could you break it up?

-with stealth or in stealth?

-or plundering

-or pillaging

or some other lovely naughty phrase?

Ohhh, I like. Maybe:

Until, at the last possible moment
Just before my sanity slips away,
He pillages my body
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.

 

[Guest]

Ohhh, I like. Maybe:

Until, at the last possible moment
Just before my sanity slips away,
He pillages my body
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.

Beautiful.

 

[Dar~]

I really enjoy the poem, but The line "and suck his cock" sticks out to me. It seems too crass for this particular poem.


Maybe something like . . .

"I wish that I could slide down his body
engulfing him.
Seduce him into surrendering that for which I seek:
Sleep"

That is my two cents.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

wow...just...wow.
You seem so demure to say suck his cock.

 

[Dar~]

wow...just...wow.
You seem so demure to say suck his cock.

Oh go fuck your self, hag.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Oh go fuck your self, hag.

I didn't mean you sewer mouth, I'm meant Rapunzel.

 

[Dar~]

I didn't mean you sewer mouth, I'm meant Rapunzel.

I know . . .just wanted to say hi.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I know . . .just wanted to say hi.

You're like an extra toe I need to have removed.

 

[Dar~]

You're like an extra toe I need to have removed.

I know, then you'd keep me in a jar of formaldehyde on your desk.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I know, then you'd keep me in a jar of formaldehyde on your desk.

Yes I would.

Mck: you gonna submit this poem or wimp out?

 

[Dar~]

Yes I would.

Mck: you gonna submit this poem or wimp out?

She needs to submit it, its awsome.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

She needs to submit it, its awsome.

Agreed...lets poke her with sharp sticks until she does.

 

[Dar~]

Agreed...lets poke her with sharp sticks until she does.

But, I was enjoying my sharp stick treatment.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

But, I was enjoying my sharp stick treatment.

You'll share and like it.

McK: Let me know when this posts so I can be the first to officially troll it.

 

[Dar~]

You'll share and like it.

McK: Let me know when this posts so I can be the first to officially troll it.

aside from the sharing thing, what she said^

 

[Avalanche Man]

Word play

I would prefer something like "ravages" over "pillages"........IMHO

 

[Belegon]

I like the insertion (*giggle*) of "suck his cock" and the way it bursts you into a more upfront confrontation with the raw sexuality of the poem...

...I kinda like "pillages"....

 

[McKenna]

Ok, here's what I was going for, you can let me know if I made it or not:

First stanza, I want sleep. I'm seeking it.

Second stanza, I'm begging for it, I'm willing to whore myself for it, thus the "rough" language.

Third stanza, I've got it (his secuction) and now I want it more than I want sleep.


Am I making sense?

Anyone?

Anyone?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Ok, here's what I was going for, you can let me know if I made it or not:

First stanza, I want sleep. I'm seeking it.

Second stanza, I'm begging for it, I'm willing to whore myself for it, thus the "rough" language.

Third stanza, I've got it (his secuction) and now I want it more than I want sleep.


Am I making sense?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Works for me.

 

[Belegon]

so I was right to feel that it fit there...that's nice. I've been right about so little lately....

I honestly only picked up on the structure at a sub-concious level...until you explained it.

 

[RhymeFairy]

I like the poem. It is soft, sensual.
The cock mention is a crass but it fits like B. said. It does stick out a lil, but that's what brings home the reality of your needs. The pillage, for me Nah ... plunderingly? maybe ... eh a lil late for me. Thinkin maybe stick to your other friends ideas, mine ... just thoughts ... more coffee anyone? *grins*

You should DEFFFFFF. submit this. It is VERY good. !!!!