Is there a way.....

[Bandit58]

to become "just friends" with someone you had a loving relationship with, but for reasons beyond your control have had to call it quits? He was the one who called a halt to the making love and the plans for the future, I was prepared to wait for him however long it took. It is a LDR, so we won't be seeing each other in real life, but I'd like to keep in touch with him by phone, email and online chat.

I'm still sorting out my feelings over this so I've not spoken to him for a week. We had so much in common and thought so alike, and he helped me through a difficult time in my life, so I don't want to lose him as a friend......but he's not free to be with me and has so much to sort out it could take years. He doesn't want me to wait around for something which may not happen, even if we love each other.......

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Oh darling - sorry that didn't work out for you. I would hope that you could still be at least friendly?!?! My lover and I decided to call it quits once last fall - but we couldn't stop talking to eachother. We stopped all contact for about 2 weeks, then he emailed me a question, and I wrote back. Soon we were just talking - but every day. Well you know it didn't take long before we were right back where we started from! But the point is - not only is it possible - I think its necessary - at least for awhile. You'll either develope a nice 'friends only' relationship - or you'll get bored and move on to something else. I HATE burning bridges if its not necessary.......

 

[sheath]

to become "just friends" with someone you had a loving relationship with, but for reasons beyond your control have had to call it quits?

YES.

Though it will take one hell of a strong will for both of you to get to that level. You have to work through the emotion that goes along with the relationship ending, plus finding new outlets for the love and devotion you had for him...and that is hard to do.

I'm friends with all my exes. As many here probably remember, my man and I had a serious problem with that, but like all worthwhile things, it worked out in the end. Anyway...

Jealousy comes into play at some point, no matter what...if you go out on a date, he will be jealous, not because he necessarily still wants to be with you, but because old habits die hard. And the same would happen to you, more than likely. Things like that...dealing with the words you say to each other not having little innuendo anymore, the saying 'goodbye' without saying 'I love you'...those things are very, very hard to deal with at first.

But if you are determined to keep him in your life, knowing that he is worth the hurt that you will have to go through to keep him there...then by all means, you can make a friendship work. Look at it this way: If he meant enough to you to have a relationship with him, and share a great deal of your time, your life, and your dreams...then he means enough to do what it takes to move into a friendship with him. I did it with all my exes, and though it hurt like hell sometimes, I knew they were worth it, and they felt the same way about me.

I wish you the best, Bandit...

S.

 

[shescurious]

I am so sorry to hear about this Bandit. I have read many of you posts and I have learned you are a strong woman. It will take time but I think in the end things will work out for you.

For me, it has been easier to move on and not talk to my ex until I "get over" him. Then I usually have no problem recapturing the friendship that was there previously.

 

[SexyChele]

Bandit, I too am so sorry to hear the news. As I recall I was one of the "naysayers" but I still hate it when things don't work out. Everyone seems to get hurt in the end.

To answer your question, yes it is possible. I've managed to stay on good terms with most of my exes. The key, for me, is to initially let the relationship end, really end. Not go through a "false hope" stage of thinking there must be someway to get him back. (As Scarlett O'Hara once plotted!) Once I've acheived that, then I can grow again into a friendship.

Now, most of those friendships have continued to last. And for various reasons: I moved on, they moved on, they couldn't accept that I didn't want them romantically anymore, etc. Also, once your concentration is off of this person as a romantic interest, and you bring new people into your life, it takes even more effort to maintain a friendship. And if you become involved with some one, it gets even tougher, as Sheath has pointed out. Distance can also be a barrier. I have a friend who lives half a country away from me who I had met online and had hoped to meet one day. It never happened, and things just didn't work out. But we've decided we had a good thing going as friends. Now that I have a terrific man in my life, I have to make an extra effort to keep in touch with this other fellow. He understands, but I still don't want to let him down as a friend.

So, yes, it can be done. I am really good friends with my last ex - still see him, talk to him, do things together. But if the two of you should drift apart because your life becomes busy with other people, look at it as a good thing. After all, it is.

Best of luck to you, Bandit. You deserve to find that happiness we all want so much!

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks everyone for your replies......The emotions are still a bit raw at the moment so I'm keeping my distance for a little while. I sent him an email last week but haven't heard anything yet, he's probably feeling just as bad as I am because we were both in tears on the phone when I last spoke to him.

I think he's afraid.....he's made two mistakes and he doesn't want to make a third. We had something really wonderful and I didn't - still don't - want to lose it, but I have to respect his wishes and live my own life. I hope there's someone else out there who is as accepting and loving as he is.....

originally posted by sheath
If he meant enough to you to have a relationship with him, and share a great deal of your time, your life, and your dreams...then he means enough to do what it takes to move into a friendship with him.

We shared so much together, and I'll always be grateful to him for what he did for me, he made me see that I am sexy and desirable and worth something. He gave me confidence and helped me find the strength you all see in me. I still have a ways to go but I know I can do it now. I wish I could have helped him in the same way, but he has to do it in his own time at his own pace and I can't be there for him, but I can still be his friend.....

I listened to this song today, it made me cry.....

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Metallica "Nothing Else Matters"

 

[Bandit58]

Well he replied to my email......he said he was sorry he hurt me and that he wishes things could have been different for us, that he would be honoured to be my friend and that he would always treasure our time together.

I know it will be hard to change the parameters of the relationship, especially for me because I still feel the same about him as I always did. But I'd rather he was in my life as a friend than not have him there at all, we shared much more than our bodies and we could talk about absolutely anything. I am so lucky to have met him when I did, and even though we can't be together I know we are soulmates......

 

[shescurious]

Bandit,

My heart is aching for you. I am glad that he answered your email. I hope you are got the answers you need to be able to move forward from this point.

I read this and thought about you:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient time, this person will! say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But...only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.


I hope this gives you a small amount of comfort.

Shescurious

 

[Bandit58]

Thank you shescurious Even though I cried again when I read it, it did help to put things in perspective......

I hope he and I can be friends for a lifetime, but if it turns out he's only in my life for a season, then it's the best season ever

 

[_Milky_Whites_]

Yeah, believe it or not, you can be friends with him eventually. But its a long hard road, and sometimes its easier to just let them go. I feel for you and I understand. I went through this same thing. It was a LDR, someone I met online. I fell for him. We were lovers for 2 yrs, but eventually our outside lives and the distance pulled us apart. It was a nasty ending and it hurt. For weeks, months, I wanted to email him, messege him, do things to be sure to hurt him and to be sure he didnt forget me. I tried to refrain, chose instead to let him go. Eventually we started talking again, a little at a time, until it didnt hurt quite so much. Now, almost a year later, we are friends again. But we are both aware that it will not be more than that. I still love him, he still loves me. But a relationship isnt possible so we have to settle for what we can.
If youre patient, forgiving, and truly care for the person then yes, you can be friends. But give it a little time, let the pain lessen first. Work on yourself awhile, then go back and work on the friendship.

 

[Oldscallywag]

Hi

Speaking as a guy (I see only ladies here so far!) I just wanted to say that I've been there too and know how much it hurts but know too that you will be okay.

Online relationships can be so special but with huge potential to hurt and often there are very few people if any you can talk to offline.

But we are all still here and keep coming back for more!

XXC

 

[nightnurse]

not a lot i can say bandit to help heal your hurt
sometimes on line you get to know some one deeply ....even with out seeing their face.......

sending you lots of love and hugz

 

[Native Alien]

Just remember one thing Bandit, keep it honest. Even if you choose to not tell him of the emotional state that you are in, at least admit it to yourself and someone else that you can trust to talk to.

I am in midst of a crisis with my own LDR, and I am not sure that I can be friends with him if this is over. I have pondered the last couple of nights on what you have posted here. I think that as long as you are honest with yourself about where you are emotionally with this, eventually you will be able to make this relationship what you want it to be.

Sorry, just rambling this morning. To much thinking and not enough sleep.

 

[Bandit58]

Just remember one thing Bandit, keep it honest. Even if you choose to not tell him of the emotional state that you are in, at least admit it to yourself and someone else that you can trust to talk to.

I am in midst of a crisis with my own LDR, and I am not sure that I can be friends with him if this is over. I have pondered the last couple of nights on what you have posted here. I think that as long as you are honest with yourself about where you are emotionally with this, eventually you will be able to make this relationship what you want it to be.

Sorry, just rambling this morning. To much thinking and not enough sleep.

Yes I know all about the too much thinking and not enough sleep.... It hurts......very much......but I'd much rather feel than be how I was for too many years, emotionally numb and just existing. That's another thing he did for me, woke up my emotions as well as my body.

I'm so sorry your relationship is in crisis......distance is a factor in ours, as well as him being married, me not being able to move because of elderly parents and a teenage daughter who need me, his study and my work commitments meaning that we don't get time online like we used to.......so many things that drive a wedge between us. I would have waited......and he knows that. But he's stuck......and he doesn't know how long it will be before he's ready for any sort of relationship. He can't commit to anything, and it isn't fair to keep me waiting. We had dreams for the future but that's all they were......

I have a couple of friends I can call if things get too bad, one has been there for me even before my marriage crumbled and we've spent many hours drinking port and coffee and sharing......she and I and another friend stayed up all night once. I don't know what I'd do without her

(((((((NA)))))))))) and anyone else who needs them........

 

[Bandit58]

Well it's been a few weeks now, the hurt has eased......a little......though I find myself having to force myself to get up in the mornings sometimes, and certain songs and smells kind of hit me in the gut now and then with the reminder of what I don't have anymore.

I got an email from him yesterday, he is very busy with his studies which is why I haven't heard from him, but he said something that really made my day......."Don't tell anyone, but I think you are the best lover I ever had." But hey the self esteem has just gone up several notches so why not tell the whole world

 

[shescurious]

I am glad to hear that time is working to heal your heart. Over time I hope you will be able to look back on the good times and smile.

A hug and a for (((((Bandit)))))

 

[sheath]

Well it's been a few weeks now, the hurt has eased......a little......though I find myself having to force myself to get up in the mornings sometimes, and certain songs and smells kind of hit me in the gut now and then with the reminder of what I don't have anymore.

But you ARE getting up in the morning. That's a good thing, right?

Those little reminders hurt now, but perhaps in the future you can smell that special scent or listen to that beautiful song and know that he changed your life for the better. That is a really wonderful thing.



Best to you, Bandit.

S.

 

[Bandit58]

God this is hard.....we talked online this morning for the first time in a while.....and all the old feelings came rushing back, for both of us..... *sigh* My head knows it can't happen, but my heart just wants him back..... Does this ever stop......

 

[James G 5]

God this is hard.....we talked online this morning for the first time in a while.....and all the old feelings came rushing back, for both of us..... *sigh* My head knows it can't happen, but my heart just wants him back..... Does this ever stop......

Unfortunately it often doesn't
the hardest thing about being "just friends" is these feelings
that's why sometimes, if things really can't work out, it's best to just make a break

 

[pleased2eatyou]

Very well put SHEATH.......

Good luck on your new friendship bandit58,
don't let him drag you through the wringer though while he's trying to find himself.....

pleased

 

[visionskate]

me and my ex fiance broke up like three years ago . we were together for three and we both thought it would last forever. unfortunatly over time we discovered that we were both too different and decided to break it off. But now we are best freinds and its amazing ...the only problem is that people can let it go that we exs and we have both had a hard time try to defend our decisons..but fuck it im glad to have a freind like her. She keeps me from goin to crazy(wich i do..trouble seems to like me lol)
and im there when she is tripping out about something(i very mellow and dont let stuff get to me much)
so yeah i think its possible you both have to work on it though. And it doesnt happen in one day you two have to be both understanding and ready to let stuff go to make it a freindship.
hahah if this doesnt make anysence ..well its beacause i think too much lol

 

[Quoll]

Umm all is good, this thread is over two years old and the delicious Bandit is due to be married soon. Congrats again Bandit.

 

[HornyHenry]

I have no idea why

someone would dig up this 2 year old thread. However,
Let me take this opportunity to congratulate you both.
You give hope to many people out here in neverland.
And you legs and butt are sexy as hell. G, you'd better hold on to her!