Is there a better label than "polyamorous"?

[lil_jenni]

I am going on a cruise next week with friends. Over the last couple of days, I have been messaging with a swinger couple (man and wife) about hooking up for a threesome during the cruise. They asked a lot of questions about my husband (who will not be on the cruise), because they want to make sure it will be ethical non-monogamy if we hook up. I explained I was polyamorous, although only romantic with my husband and everything else was casual play or FWB. They told me I'm not really polyamorous, because that would imply I have romantic interest in multiple partners.

I have always viewed polyamorous as including non-romantic sexual partners as well as romantic partners. Hell, other than a brief time I had a girlfriend as a secondary romantic partner to Hubby as my primary romantic partner, Hubby is my only romantic partner. Everything else is just sexual.

So, is there a better term that "polyamorous" for my situation, or is this couple just a bit too restrictive with their definition?

 

[ConstantineIII]

Ethically non-monogamous is the catch all term, at least in the circles that I travel, and by this I mean that it encompasses all of the myriad intricacies of that lifestyle. That being said, everyone seems to have their own definition of all of the various terms that are thrown around.

Personally, I am poly and often have found myself in the same position you are in, and I have never felt that I needed a different term, but your mileage may vary.

 

[KatieKulka32]

Open marriage possibly? Not sure if this would work either.

 

[lily_wall_]

Yeah I agree you're not polyamorous. I'd say you're in open relationship

 

[Britva415]

I am going on a cruise next week with friends. Over the last couple of days, I have been messaging with a swinger couple (man and wife) about hooking up for a threesome during the cruise. They asked a lot of questions about my husband (who will not be on the cruise), because they want to make sure it will be ethical non-monogamy if we hook up. I explained I was polyamorous, although only romantic with my husband and everything else was casual play or FWB. They told me I'm not really polyamorous, because that would imply I have romantic interest in multiple partners.

I have always viewed polyamorous as including non-romantic sexual partners as well as romantic partners. Hell, other than a brief time I had a girlfriend as a secondary romantic partner to Hubby as my primary romantic partner, Hubby is my only romantic partner. Everything else is just sexual.

So, is there a better term that "polyamorous" for my situation, or is this couple just a bit too restrictive with their definition?

Maybe both

How does simply "non-monogamous" sound to you? Or just following their lead and confirming that your interaction with them will suit their ENM (ethical nonmonogamy) requirements, and not worrying about how else to label anything.

"Ethically nonmonogamous" is probably the easiest term to use, because anyone who would have the brass to tell you "nuh uh" would be making an unforgivably rude accusation.

 

[lil_jenni]

Interesting feedback. I would agree our marriage has evolved to open, although only I take advantage of it. And to date, only one of my partners other than my husband has been male. Hubby, however, is solidly monogamous and does not play with anyone else.

But for me, it's more than an open marriage, because the only reason we have an open marriage is that I need it. It started out with me having a girlfriend, and like I said in my first post, that seemed more polyamorous in nature, so that's the label I went with. But since her, romantic involvement has not been an aspect with any other external partners.

On the other hand, that follows my pattern from before I met my husband. When I was 22, we started dating, and he was the first person I ever dated, in the sense of romantically. Other than my first two partners, which was more of a grooming situation, everything was always casual for me, mostly one time hookups. My husband was my first romantic connection. My girlfriend I had for a few months a few years back was my second. And that's been it.

Anyway, that's a kinda rambling way to say I don't think open marriage explains it, because it is not what I feel/need,
It is the outgrowth of my need to have sexual partners other than my husband, but not romantic partners other than him. Hell, I think his knowledge that the amorous feelings I have are only for him, or at least primarily, is the only reason he is okay with our understanding of the parameters of our marriage.

So yeah, I've talked myself out of polyamorous as the right label. But it's more than an open marriage. I am happy to only love my Hubby, but I need more varied sexual partners (especially women) or the pressure starts to build up inside me.

 

[Jaws82]

Interesting feedback. I would agree our marriage has evolved to open, although only I take advantage of it. And to date, only one of my partners other than my husband has been male. Hubby, however, is solidly monogamous and does not play with anyone else.

But for me, it's more than an open marriage, because the only reason we have an open marriage is that I need it. It started out with me having a girlfriend, and like I said in my first post, that seemed more polyamorous in nature, so that's the label I went with. But since her, romantic involvement has not been an aspect with any other external partners.

On the other hand, that follows my pattern from before I met my husband. When I was 22, we started dating, and he was the first person I ever dated, in the sense of romantically. Other than my first two partners, which was more of a grooming situation, everything was always casual for me, mostly one time hookups. My husband was my first romantic connection. My girlfriend I had for a few months a few years back was my second. And that's been it.

Anyway, that's a kinda rambling way to say I don't think open marriage explains it, because it is not what I feel/need,
It is the outgrowth of my need to have sexual partners other than my husband, but not romantic partners other than him. Hell, I think his knowledge that the amorous feelings I have are only for him, or at least primarily, is the only reason he is okay with our understanding of the parameters of our marriage.

So yeah, I've talked myself out of polyamorous as the right label. But it's more than an open marriage. I am happy to only love my Hubby, but I need more varied sexual partners (especially women) or the pressure starts to build up inside me.

Hmm maybe you just invented a new thing

 

[lil_jenni]

Hmm maybe you just invented a new thing

Maybe, but I'm sure there are other people like me, who love one person but need sex, not love or romance, with others too.

My friend Misty suggested 'slut' to be the right term, but she was in a bitchy mood today, so that might be part of that...

 

[Jaws82]

Maybe, but I'm sure there are other people like me, who love one person but need sex, not love or romance, with others too.

My friend Misty suggested 'slut' to be the right term, but she was in a bitchy mood today, so that might be part of that...

Classic Misty

 

[Jaws82]

Maybe, but I'm sure there are other people like me, who love one person but need sex, not love or romance, with others too.

My friend Misty suggested 'slut' to be the right term, but she was in a bitchy mood today, so that might be part of that...

You should have eaten her out after that comment.

That would have shown her

 

[lil_jenni]

You should have eaten her out after that comment.

That would have shown her

Oh, no sex with Misty right now. She is in full stripper drama mode with multiple partners, including the long distance girl she recently dumped but then travelled two hours to spend a couple of nights with. Nope. I'm staying out of that shit.

 

[Jaws82]

Oh, no sex with Misty right now. She is in full stripper drama mode with multiple partners, including the long distance girl she recently dumped but then travelled two hours to spend a couple of nights with. Nope. I'm staying out of that shit.

Ooph what a minefield

But the sex coupled with that level of crazy

Yyyeeessshg kaboom

 

[lil_jenni]

Ooph what a minefield

But the sex coupled with that level of crazy

Yyyeeessshg kaboom

Oh, sex with Misty is always fire AF, but not always the good fire.

 

[Jaws82]

Just as long as you don’t get too burned

 

[Jaws82]

Ooorrrr you just have another person join in and let them get burnt instead

Sacrificial lamb

 

[screwher]

So you have Sex with other people. And your husband remains faithful. It sounds to me like you and your husband are a hotwife couple.

 

[Chernosoth]

Potentially Promiscuous.

 

[lil_jenni]

So you have Sex with other people. And your husband remains faithful. It sounds to me like you and your husband are a hotwife couple.

Interesting take. I would not have gone there since much of what I associate with the hotwife dynamic does not apply to our situation.

For one thing, he is not at all involved in my outside activities. We do not talk about them except in the abstract, and he is not interested at all in knowing more. And I know in my heart he would rather I not be this way, but he also supports that I am by giving me time.

Also, I am not at all dissatisfied with him as a lover. He is by far the best. It's just that he is only one person, and I learned from trying so fucking hard at being monogamous but never quite being content that I need... more than one sexual partner.

My focus is mostly women, as I've only had one male partner besides Hubby, and he was much younger and it was a fun dynamic, me getting to teach him things.

So, it's not like I need other men for the sex itself... it's the thrill I miss, and that I am hoping to get on this cruise I'm taking. I want to see that combo look of shock and hunger a guy gets when he's offered a BJ by a woman he's just met. I want to pull out a new cock for the first time with all the anticipation that comes with that, and feel it and taste it. I want to hear the groans or grunts or whimpers when I take him deep down my throat, knowing that for many guys, that either an uncommon or new experience. That's what I crave. And yeah, it's physical, but it's every bit as psychological. And quite frankly, it's all I'm expecting. I don't expect to actually get off myself. Well, maybe if I can find a couple of guys to spitroast me. I've been fucking craving that.

But I've wandered a bit. Let's just say I don't feel like a hotwife, and my husband does not seem to fit what I think of as a hotwife husband. There is not that sense of control/humiliation/specific dissatisfaction/etc. In fact, if Hubby wanted, I would be all on board with him being a hot husband (is that a thing?) and regaling me with his exploits, or making me watch, or making me suck him clean after he has come home from fucking some other woman... Mmmmmm ... But no... He isn't interested. I mean, we've had a few FFM threesomes, but I set them up and drove them all because he is just not interested in multiple partners in any way, shape, or form.

Sometimes I feel really sorry for him. He needs a woman who is not hypersexual and does not have my compulsions. On the other hand, I am hopeful that all the sex he wants (more than he wants, I sometimes think ), in whatever way he wants, makes up for me not being able to be just for him. Except my love. That is all for him.

 

[Bayzapper10]

This might be in my top 10 favorite posts I’ve read here.

 

[Britva415]

Sometimes I feel really sorry for him. He needs a woman who is not hypersexual and does not have my compulsions.

When you say this it makes it sound like he's not into this.

If that were the case, then, the label would just be "cheater."

What IS his comfort/consent level with your extramarital activity? It occurs to me that we really have only heard about it from your side so far.

 

[lil_jenni]

When you say this it makes it sound like he's not into this.

If that were the case, then, the label would just be "cheater."

What IS his comfort/consent level with your extramarital activity? It occurs to me that we really have only heard about it from your side so far.

There is considerable middle ground between the hot wife fetish and cheating.

If by "not into this" you mean a fetishized interest, then yes, he is not into it. But this is not binary distinction between a fetishized interests and cheating. There are a multitude of possible marital configurations that lie between the two poles.

In our instance, Hubby would (and has) characterized it as an open marriage, even though he does not take advantage of it. It is an agreement we have, something we have incorporated into the framework of our marriage. There are mutually agreed upon ground rules that need to be followed.

We also have preferences. Hubby does not want to hear details. I would if he had details to share.

And I know there may be an assumption I pressured him into this arrangement. I did not. I would have gone along with whatever we decided together. But he was fine with me and other women, and for some time that was the arrangement. Then we discussed other men. On his own, he read up on hypersexuality and polyamory, and we discussed and expanded the parameters, although there are quite a few more ground rules (for safety and health reasons) with men. And so far, it works for us.

 

[Britva415]

If by "not into this" you mean a fetishized interest, then yes, he is not into it

No, I meant more like begrudgingly, reluctantly "agreeing" to an open marriage because the wife has already de-facto made it one.

I'm not accusing you of it, just reacting to the fairly conspicuous absence of hearing his side of it, especially since you hung a lampshade on that by saying you felt sorry for him due to your needs.

That's why I prefaced everything with "when you say that, it makes it sound like..."

I know it's not the whole story, or maybe not even the right story, but we just aren't able to tell since we don't have any part of it which represents his side.

 

[m_and_em_stories]

I think the word is compromise.

There is a difference between being ok with something even if it's not your preference, and being forced or pushed into something you aren't ok with.

 

[lil_jenni]

No, I meant more like begrudgingly, reluctantly"agreeing" to an open marriage because the wife has already de-facto made it one.

I'm not accusing you of it, just reacting to the fairly conspicuous absence of hearing his side of it, especially since you hung a lampshade on it by saying you felt sorry for him due to your needs.

Thanks for clarifying. I think I covered that in my last post above, but I want to make sure. Nothing ever happened before we came to our agreement. Well, not since we were married. The first time we were engaged, I freaked out and.sabotaged it by cheating. We were apart a year and a half. So after several years of marriage, when I started getting a bit restless, I told him, and we discussed and came up with that I could pursue sexual relationships with women. And then, like I said above, it expanded after more discussion.

But if he ever came to me and said he wanted it to stop, it would stop. He is the only one I love (in fact, the only man I've ever loved in a romantic way).

 

[m_and_em_stories]

The key for him it sounds like is honesty and boundaries, and having some part of you to himself. I'd label you Ethically Non Monogamous to avoid trying to shove it in a box it doesn't fit.

I don't know if my wife could separate sex to that degree. She's always been on the side of wanting emotional connections (would romantic and emotional equate to the same for you?) for people she sleeps with.

While the fantasy of her sleeping around is a lot of fun (like you I'd want the details) I expect the reality of her having other partners not involving me would be too far for me to accept. I am open to threesomes or other ways of bringing in others into our relationship.

Then again I'm also the hyper sexual one and she's fairly normal as far as libido and triggers go.