Is Romance Alive?

[sistemic]

Hello - recently published my first story, and I've got some lovely comments, but I kind of want some critical feedback too. I'm writing a second story and want to know how to improve.

My first story was very romantic, the sex was at the end, but the next one is ... different. But it got me thinking. Are people looking for romance in a story, or for sex primarily? I like a romantic connection, but I want to write stories that people want to read.

If any of you are willing to give any feedback, I'd be delighted to hear it, positive or negative. And do please tell me - what motivates you to come here to read?

Here's my story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-best-part-of-the-day

 

[DannyBell]

I can give you some critical feedback.

Starting with the first paragraph. Some people like their sex to be taboo and angry and personal. And GWR have fucked me more than once. Non consensually, and without remorse. When I read the first sentence I got a reverse erection. There's no need to start a steamy story that way

On a more serious note, I think the main issue I had with the story was the portrayal of Marcie. It sometimes felt like the story would tell us something about her, but then show us only half of what it promised. Or she has elements which spark my curiosity, but aren't so satisfying in practice.

So 14 years ago we're told that she doesn't speak at all, but she speaks to this random 4 year old boy. Why? Is he especially adorable? Vulnerable? Did she love little kids? I was expecting her to talk about why she 'chose' him. And I don't think she does. And this doesn't really help the way that the story is all sort of built upon this idea that a 4 year old and a 13 year old met once and sort of both fell in love with each other then. Not really, but also kind of really. It's not a very realistic premise, which is absolutely fine because realism is for boring people, but I expected them to reinforce the magic of that day with something more profound or richer in detail than what we got. It's a life-changing event for them both. But why did it happen, and what made it so impactful that it would make them both so cautiously interested in one another even after 14 years.

Marcie in the present is a woman of few words, but so is Charlie. There's absolutely no problem there, but it does somewhat downplay how quiet and mysterious and reserved she is when there isn't some overly significant difference between them, or huge change from how much she talks at the beginning of the story to the end. And it isn't helped by how easy Charlie takes it all. She doesn't talk much, and he doesn't care. Okay. It seems maybe too easy at the beginning?

Marcie is described as a bitch by someone! That really piqued my interest when it happened. Not that I trusted this drunk west country dickhead in the pub, but people don't say 'Dont trust that woman, she was a real bitch to me' without some kind of reason. And I was interested in this hidden depth to her, and very curious about what she'd done. But she doesn't want to talk about it, which is in keeping with her character, but isn't particularly satisfying. I was also curious what this panther (cougar surely?!?) crouched and ready to attack would do, and I was curious what she had done or suffered to deserve the insults. But I didn't learn anything more, and so I was disappointed. And she didn't kick anyone in the bollocks, which was also disappointing.

In a somewhat similar vein, I was expecting the faintest glimmer of angst and conflict when Charlie said he wasn't going back to uni and she got angry and emotional and conflicted about it. She's described as immovable and forceful and demanding, and it seems like this will be some area of contention or drama as her heart battles with her head. But it's solved almost immediately, and they never speak of it again. Maybe romantic, and maybe I loved that there wasn't 38,593 extra words of melodrama and heroic poignancy to stink up the lovely simple romance, but maybe just a little more of it than we got?

And also one day for no reason some 18 year old kid decides the place this adult (and capable) woman lives in should also be a B&B. And then the next thing I know they're making it into a B&B? Okay? Slightly random and quick. And insulting maybe? And did she even want it to become a B&B? And not something I thought quiet but forceful Marcie would just agree to straight away. I don't hate the idea at all, but it comes out of nowhere and is just swallowed up by the narrative without much burping going on.

I also felt like I generally wanted a more easily identifiable change in their dynamic and behaviour from the start of the story to the end point. Obviously they kiss each other a little more as time goes on, and eventually kiss each other in quite obscene and indecent places!? But maybe a more obvious change in how they acted and talked to each other beyond the affectionate words? It's not that there's no difference at all, or that they are boring, I just wanted more. That's subjective of course, but my opinion matters a lot because it's mine, so I won't be apologising.

And all of this is just nit picking, because I loved the story actually! I thought it was very enjoyable and genuinely romantic without being soppy or overwrought. It was simple and thoroughly lovely. Your writing was charming and compelling and the sex was simultaneously tasteful and hot. What's not to love?

And to talk about romance. I can't speak for everyone, but I will anyway. Sometimes I come on here for romantic or passionate sexual chemistry between characters who care for one another. And finding something sexually exotic or interesting, and that's also romantic, and that's also well written, is the holy grail. Sometimes you get horny and an hour later you're sat there having found a new perspective on love and the meaning of life. It do be like that sometimes, and I think that's the magic of written erotica and smut. For many, many people sex can only be elevated and made more intense by emotional connection. So I think stories at least tinged with emotional connection will never be erased or fall out of fashion. No matter how perverse and challenged our collective societies and communities become!

I do think theres plenty of people who just want hard and fast filth. Some porn to get off to. And that's fine. But there's all sorts of people from all over the world that use this website and other places online who still enjoy a bit of human connection and heartwarming to go along with their knickerwetting.

So what makes your next story 'different'?

 

[sistemic]

Ha! What a great crit! Will reply in detail shortly, as i've just heard my flatmate come back, but thanks!

 

[sistemic]

Sooo... firstly I confess to knowing almost nothing about GWR. I've only been down to Somerset once. I'm sorry to hear that they are in the "non-consent" section for you, but I hope it wasn't too triggering...

There are a lot of questions here which make me think I've maybe left too many loose ends, and that might be because I tend to absorb stories a bit less critically than you do, being happy to have threads that aren't picked at. I think in real life, no-one would be particularly questioning of a selectively mute girl taking a little four year old under her wing, but I get the Pavlov's gun thing, that if you introduce something it has to have a payoff. I'll have a think about that in my future stories.

That said, I'm not with you 100% on those things. I quite like a bit of loose-ends (not in the anal category obvs) and things not picked apart in a story. I think they can give a bit more life. I like not quite knowing much about Marcie and why she is the way she it. I thought up a back story for her, which is in part that she's like me, ie had a stammer growing up and learnt not to expose herself to scorn by speaking too much. But there's more to her than that. If I give it a second part that might come out more.

In terms of Charlie matching Marcie's quietness, I think he's the kind of guy I wished I had, who would just slow down when I was struggling. Patience is a huge turn on

The "noticeable change in their dynamic" - or lack of it- was kind of part of the idea of the story. That you picked up on it was probably a sign that it wasn't very well handled, so I'll have a think about that. The idea was that the story felt more like something that was inevitable, fate and all that, without it getting too Bronte.

Interesting take on Romance. I agree, but as this is the only fictional story I've ever written, I don't know how much of a market there is for it. I mean, i guess I will only ever write what I want to read, so if I'm niche I'm niche. But it's good to know what level of filth I should aim for.

My next story (since you very kindly asked) is different because someone i was talking to on the chat room bet me I couldn't write a story about a glory hole which was erotic rather than filthy. I like a challenge. I'm already on part three, but want to get it all done at least in draft before I publish part one.

 

[DannyBell]

So I'm going to sound like a hypocritical little tart, but I mostly agree with you. I don't think it matters very much if we know everything, and I am a fan of characters that have a life and depth to them beyond the confines of the story. But I do think you're right and there's just too many loose ends and things which we don't get to understand properly, or things that pass by too quickly. It's the amount of them, rather than the quality or how much it even impacts the story.

If I'd have read this story out in the wild then I wouldn't have given any of it much thought, because it didn't ruin my enjoyment of the story in any way. But if I look at the story critically then these are the most obvious things to me at least. The premise is great, your writing style is great, the chemistry between the characters is beautiful. Just nit-picking the way the narrative moves over some things. And it's far more obvious in short stories than long ones, which doesn't help the impression even if it also means that tying things together neatly actually matters even less.

I think that reinforcing some of the ideas already present would polish up your story quite nicely, so maybe that's generic advice too.

I also find patience and commitment to be very endearing and hot! There's definitely others who feel similarly. Though demand is probably less than the straight up debauchery.

And, just asking for a friend of course... Does this mean that anyone can dare or challenge you to write a story and your pride and determination will ensure that you commit to it? It would be nice to have someone with your talent be so easily provoked!

I look forward to reading your erotic glory hole adventures!

 

[sistemic]

Well I'm a big fan of hypocritical little tarts. I'm not remotely one myself, I just didn't put in the practice, but I admire them when I see them.

Genuinely grateful for your feedback.

I'm always up for a challenge. Especially if people don't think I have the ability to do it. I love proving people wrong. Although I've got kind of obsessed with my current story, which is going to be in several chapters, so I won't be picking up on anything else for a little while. Not least because I'm genuinely new at this, I've never written a short story before in my life (or anything longer for that matter), so I want to try and improve the skill level as I go, which means a bit of re-writing.

 

[DannyBell]

Well I'm a big fan of hypocritical little tarts. I'm not remotely one myself, I just didn't put in the practice, but I admire them when I see them.

Genuinely grateful for your feedback.

I'm always up for a challenge. Especially if people don't think I have the ability to do it. I love proving people wrong. Although I've got kind of obsessed with my current story, which is going to be in several chapters, so I won't be picking up on anything else for a little while. Not least because I'm genuinely new at this, I've never written a short story before in my life (or anything longer for that matter), so I want to try and improve the skill level as I go, which means a bit of re-writing.

Thank you for the acceptance! It's not often people appreciate hypocritical little tarts

Well mark me down as interested in your next challenge when you find the time.

If you'd like someone to beta read or give some opinions on stuff before you post it, just let me know.