Is it too late for a divorce?

[guy31_M]

About two plus years ago (late 2019) I had posted a thread about staying in a marriage for the sake of kids. The other lit members were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences. Based on that I decided to pull the plug. As a part of the process quit my startup dreams (which was not really going anywhere) and found a job in Bay Area. Rented an apartment and was commuting weekly until Covid hit in March 2020. Since then had to move back (though continued to work remotely). Eventually my kid started HS in 2020 and given the situation just continued for HS in her school. (7-12 school). Eventually found a job that would let me work remotely.

For the last 2 years things were ok between me and my wife; at least things were non confrontational. Naively thought that things had improved. Now things are falling apart again. Inclined to wait until kid finished HS and then split. Would that be too late? For one, I do not want to stay in the same place after splitting. So any move would be hard on my kid since it will involve transferring during 11/12.

I am 48 and being a 50 yo divorcee is a little frightening to be honest. So I feel like just vent and keep status quo...... What to do, what to do....

 

[pippablysse]

hi, saw your post. you have my sympathies. thinking that your real choice is working through the challenges of a move and keeping an even keel with your child, or having her witness the bad atmosphere of you remaining. kids can be more resiliant than we think. luckily i have no such issues but can chat. uk girl here.

 

[Lee364]

I just saw your post and about to sit down for dinner, but I've been where you're at, and I'm on the other side.

You need to let the reality set in on you your child will be devastated either way because your child will pick up on the tension between you and your wife and feel that level of hostility. So unfortunately, you can't get out of this without doing some damage to your child. I will try to reach back out to you after dinner and we can continue the conversation.

 

[Lee364]

I just saw your post and about to sit down for dinner, but I've been where you're at, and I'm on the other side.

You need to let the reality set in on you your child will be devastated either way because your child will pick up on the tension between you and your wife and feel that level of hostility. So unfortunately, you can't get out of this without doing some damage to your child. I will try to reach back out to you after dinner and we can continue the conversation.

What part of the US do you live in? I'm in Houston, Tx.

 

[guy31_M]

I just saw your post and about to sit down for dinner, but I've been where you're at, and I'm on the other side.

You need to let the reality set in on you your child will be devastated either way because your child will pick up on the tension between you and your wife and feel that level of hostility. So unfortunately, you can't get out of this without doing some damage to your child. I will try to reach back out to you after dinner and we can continue the conversation.

What part of the US do you live in? I'm in Houston, Tx.

Thanks Lee! I am in NM. I understand what you say. Trying to find the best option to minimize the damage. My child is aware that things are not going well between the parents.

 

[guy31_M]

hi, saw your post. you have my sympathies. thinking that your real choice is working through the challenges of a move and keeping an even keel with your child, or having her witness the bad atmosphere of you remaining. kids can be more resiliant than we think. luckily i have no such issues but can chat. uk girl here.

PM sent.

 

[Lee364]

About two plus years ago (late 2019) I had posted a thread about staying in a marriage for the sake of kids. The other lit members were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences. Based on that I decided to pull the plug. As a part of the process quit my startup dreams (which was not really going anywhere) and found a job in Bay Area. Rented an apartment and was commuting weekly until Covid hit in March 2020. Since then had to move back (though continued to work remotely). Eventually my kid started HS in 2020 and given the situation just continued for HS in her school. (7-12 school). Eventually found a job that would let me work remotely.

For the last 2 years things were ok between me and my wife; at least things were non confrontational. Naively thought that things had improved. Now things are falling apart again. Inclined to wait until kid finished HS and then split. Would that be too late? For one, I do not want to stay in the same place after splitting. So any move would be hard on my kid since it will involve transferring during 11/12.

I am 48 and being a 50 yo divorcee is a little frightening to be honest. So I feel like just vent and keep status quo...... What to do, what to do....

I sent you a PM that way the rest of the world would not know your business nor mine.

 

[Lee364]

About two plus years ago (late 2019) I had posted a thread about staying in a marriage for the sake of kids. The other lit members were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences. Based on that I decided to pull the plug. As a part of the process quit my startup dreams (which was not really going anywhere) and found a job in Bay Area. Rented an apartment and was commuting weekly until Covid hit in March 2020. Since then had to move back (though continued to work remotely). Eventually my kid started HS in 2020 and given the situation just continued for HS in her school. (7-12 school). Eventually found a job that would let me work remotely.

For the last 2 years things were ok between me and my wife; at least things were non confrontational. Naively thought that things had improved. Now things are falling apart again. Inclined to wait until kid finished HS and then split. Would that be too late? For one, I do not want to stay in the same place after splitting. So any move would be hard on my kid since it will involve transferring during 11/12.

I am 48 and being a 50 yo divorcee is a little frightening to be honest. So I feel like just vent and keep status quo...... What to do, what to do....

I went through hell with my marriage 15 years, the last 10 years of that were sexless, cold, and devastating, which left me devastated and completely numb emotionally for will past a decade so I think I might have some insight for you for what it's worth.

 

[guy31_M]

I sent you a PM that way the rest of the world would not know your business nor mine.

Thanks!

 

[Jada59]

I think the older the kid is, the harder it is for them. But realistically speaking, the damage has already been done. Do what's right for you.

 

[leopard50]

Just wanted to extend my sympathy. Being in a marriage you know is broken irreparably sucks. I’ve been there. Fortunately for me no kids were involved, so it was pretty much on me to get to the point where I could accept that I needed to get out in order to have any chance of saving who I was. I understand your situation is more complicated in some respects because of your child. The best suggestion I have is to get out as soon as you think you possibly can. It’s not going to get easier with time, and may get worse.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I will tell you what I have told others in the same situation. I have not been divorced before so you could tell me to just shove it
I did separate when my kids were pretty young and luckily for me. That changed a lot of the problems we were having. But. Kids are pretty fucking smart. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for. They feel the tension. They see the way you look and act around one another, and they are still vulnerable and learning. What you do now is teaching your children how to behave. So, if you stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. This is what your kids are seeing. If you stay, you are basically modeling this. Divorce is hard as fuck, but I think your kids would rather see you happy in the long run. Of course, they will be hurt and not understand at first. But eventually as you move on and find your own happiness, you will be showing them that you did what was right for you.
As a kid. There was so much that my parents did that I didn't understand at all. Then I became a parent myself and my eyes opened a lot. All the sudden everything they did made much more sense. I realized how much my parents sacrificed for me. How much they protected me. All the reasons I thought I had the worst parents in the world, made me see that I actually had some pretty fucking amazing parents.
Do what makes you happy. You don't want to look back on your life and have regrets for not finding happiness sooner. (take it from an old fart who just turned 50)

 

[guy31_M]

I think the older the kid is, the harder it is for them. But realistically speaking, the damage has already been done. Do what's right for you.

Thanks Jada! I too think the damage is done. Time to move on.

Never too late for a divorce.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Just wanted to extend my sympathy. Being in a marriage you know is broken irreparably sucks. I’ve been there. Fortunately for me no kids were involved, so it was pretty much on me to get to the point where I could accept that I needed to get out in order to have any chance of saving who I was. I understand your situation is more complicated in some respects because of your child. The best suggestion I have is to get out as soon as you think you possibly can. It’s not going to get easier with time, and may get worse.

Thanks! With kids involved it is a more difficult decision. There will be damage but looks like separation will limit the damage.

I will tell you what I have told others in the same situation. I have not been divorced before so you could tell me to just shove it
I did separate when my kids were pretty young and luckily for me. That changed a lot of the problems we were having. But. Kids are pretty fucking smart. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for. They feel the tension. They see the way you look and act around one another, and they are still vulnerable and learning. What you do now is teaching your children how to behave. So, if you stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. This is what your kids are seeing. If you stay, you are basically modeling this. Divorce is hard as fuck, but I think your kids would rather see you happy in the long run. Of course, they will be hurt and not understand at first. But eventually as you move on and find your own happiness, you will be showing them that you did what was right for you.
As a kid. There was so much that my parents did that I didn't understand at all. Then I became a parent myself and my eyes opened a lot. All the sudden everything they did made much more sense. I realized how much my parents sacrificed for me. How much they protected me. All the reasons I thought I had the worst parents in the world, made me see that I actually had some pretty fucking amazing parents.
Do what makes you happy. You don't want to look back on your life and have regrets for not finding happiness sooner. (take it from an old fart who just turned 50)

Thanks Sassy! I was in the same boat as you. My parents stayed together to the end. They were bitter but did stay together. Looking back now, I realize how much they put up with each other. I did model a few of my behaviors around what I saw when I grew up. I am sure that is playing a part in my current situation. Breaking up is hard, but sometimes that's what it takes.