Is it really SANE?

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm not asking this as criticism, for those of you who don't know me. I'm a switch, more comfy in submissive shoes. But writerdom's thread title made me wonder about the sanity of BDSM. I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, folks, dont burn me. I'm looking for discussion.

Now then, to the question: Is BDSM really sane? What about for those who have had psychological issues (like the chick in the Secretary) and have found BDSM to be a way of releasing whatever was pent up? What about for people who've been abused, and found solace in this? What about those people who have power issues, and this type of lifestyle allows them to act out their power lust in a 'safe, consentual way'. Is all this really sane?

I ask this because of my own experiences, and my road to learning about BDSM. I've been assaulted 4 times, raped twice of the four. I've dated a man who was abusive, though perhaps not physically, surely mentally. I've experienced violence that put me in the hospital from other men. And I sit here, most comfortable as a submissive. As someone who enjoys pain, who enjoys humiliation (to a degree), and who enjoys giving up control.

Is it really SANE for me to engage in BDSM, when my experiences that tested my sanity are possibly what pushed me in the direction of submission?

I understand there is a MARKED difference in giving up control, in a BDSM scene, and losing your control, or having it taken from you, in an assault situation. I understand the mindspaces are different.

I suppose I'm just trying to learn.

Please tell me what you think?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

It's all nutty...I think all relationships are nutty, we are sometimes more or less up front about it, is the only difference.

 

[MissTaken]

I think that if you have dealt with whatever issues and baggage you have, it is sane.

Free choice makes it such.

I would suggest that anyone who uses BDSM as therapy or a means to deal with issues of rape or abuse, needs to take a break, get some counseling and address their own issues before making them part of a relationship that can become quite volatile in it's dynamics.

Just imagining a submissive having abuse flash backs during a scene ....

And if you think about it, johnny is right! How many people have a truly vanilla relatoinship sans kinks or quirks. I know I don't know anyone who goes for missionary style once per week with no oral, no anal, no adventure.

It is all a matter of how we express ourselves and in this community, yep, we wave a flag saying, "I have some quirks!"

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I know I don't know anyone who goes for missionary style once per week with no oral, no anal, no adventure.

And if they do, odds are it is because they have sexual hangups of their own.

 

[MissTaken]

And if they do, odds are it is because they have sexual hangups of their own.

Bingo!

Does this mean we scratch the use of the term "vanilla" or do we redefine it?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Bingo!

Does this mean we scratch the use of the term "vanilla" or do we redefine it?

Well, I tried to in a thread a few months back, and I recall that you were against it.

 

[Lancecastor]

I think people who profess to be submissives and who have been raped or abused have no business being here or engaging in RL BDSM unless they have dealt with their issues, healed and stop bringing it up in posts.

I think that BDSM and other kink is just a part of normal human sexuality; it's a lot safer than getting picked up in a singles bar, driving a car in a big city or riding a rickety ride at some second rate country fairground.

All this talk of BDSM being separate or different from the rest of the world is bullshit perpetuated by victims and predators.

The talk on the GB or Playground is just as kinky as it is here. Dividing people by their sexual preferences is what most people are fighting to end, not perpetuate.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm not asking this as criticism, for those of you who don't know me. I'm a switch, more comfy in submissive shoes. But writerdom's thread title made me wonder about the sanity of BDSM. I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, folks, dont burn me. I'm looking for discussion.

Now then, to the question: Is BDSM really sane? What about for those who have had psychological issues (like the chick in the Secretary) and have found BDSM to be a way of releasing whatever was pent up? What about for people who've been abused, and found solace in this? What about those people who have power issues, and this type of lifestyle allows them to act out their power lust in a 'safe, consentual way'. Is all this really sane?

I ask this because of my own experiences, and my road to learning about BDSM. I've been assaulted 4 times, raped twice of the four. I've dated a man who was abusive, though perhaps not physically, surely mentally. I've experienced violence that put me in the hospital from other men. And I sit here, most comfortable as a submissive. As someone who enjoys pain, who enjoys humiliation (to a degree), and who enjoys giving up control.

Is it really SANE for me to engage in BDSM, when my experiences that tested my sanity are possibly what pushed me in the direction of submission?

I understand there is a MARKED difference in giving up control, in a BDSM scene, and losing your control, or having it taken from you, in an assault situation. I understand the mindspaces are different.

I suppose I'm just trying to learn.

Please tell me what you think?

Is sexual intercourse sane?

Is marathon running sane?

If the participants are sane, just about any activity is sane.

The challenge is to know who you are dealing with whether BDSM or vanilla. Activities in themselves have no value. It is the people who indulge in those activities that determine its value, or more specifically, whether the activity is sane or not.

 

[catalina_francisco]

In my experience, sexual assaults as you speak of are not healed or dealt with in a matter of a couple of years, especially when impacted on by subsequent assaults. It is also not a healthy incentive to get into BDSM or explore its parameters, even though subconsciously it may be a way you feel you can deal with the issues by reliving them in a sense in what you perceive a safe environment where you may have a chance at taking back the power and control you were made to feel was taken from you. In an ideal world it would be great to do that and know it would work with no harm to you or others, but we do not live in an ideal world unfortunately.

I watched the Secretary, though want to see it again without interruptions, but at this point I found it disappointing so many were happy to accept the link between BDSM and abusive and psychological issues as a good plot etc. We spend a lot of time and effort trying to dispel the myth it is a lifestyle which is built on mentally unstable and disturbed beings, only to jump up and cheer a movie which concentrates on just this subject. IMHO someone with those issues who has not dealt with them needs to get some serious help and direction long before submitting to another.

Nor do I see the D/s relationship as the place one should be going to hoping to have their issues fixed by another. As a professional counsellor I can tell you the healing has to come from within the survivor, not without, though support is great if you have it. The reality is the person who has survived the experiences is the only one who can heal the wounds, and the one who has the answers right for them.

So yes, in my opinion, BDSM is sane, but maybe the reasons some of the participants choose it, or the issues they have not dealt with help to make it seem otherwise. This is not meant to be personal to anyone who has been through these experiences, especially you V, but it is perhaps why relationships remain online for extended amounts of time instead of RL. I know many give a variety of reasons why it must remain online, but for myself (and I know this is my reality not everyone's) the need was strong and a part of who I am to the degree online could only ever hope to serve as an appetite wettner and a means to an end, not a relationship longterm and indefinately.

I once spoke to a D who remarked it was easy to set yourself up for and thus justify impossibilities with online, even though the same system could be used to find something which could translate into RL in a reasonable amount of time. My belief is if you want anything bad enough you can make it happen, and I am told I am a walking example of that philosophy several times over in the past few years. The power of positive thought works wonders if you are focused and sure of what you want.

Catalina

 

[Ms_Lilith]

*deep breath*

This is exactly the kind of discussion I was looking for.. Thank you.

Catalina, you're very right, healing comes from within the person. When I began learning about BDSM, I was not fully healed.... not even remotely healed. A lot of my healing has come in the past year, and the biggest catalyst to that healing was telling first my brother and then my mom about what's happened to me. Life has become a lot brighter since then...

I was learning about submission about a year after the most brutal of the attacks, and I dove right into it. And I have since learned that that was a mistake, and yet, it's helped me get to where I am. I regret nothing. I no longer think of justifying D/s in my life, I no longer think of the power exchange.. I know it's THERE, and I can TALK about it with people, and in posts, but it's not something I think about when talking to Sir. It just IS the way that it is. It is now more than a year since I began learning about BDSM, and I have settled down my fervour, and am slowly learning. Once I let go of the idea that D/s was a way for me to control power exchange, I became more fluid with my sexuality, and have learned that I enjoy dominating now and again... it's moving with the moment, not with how the roles have to work.

I feel like I'm contradicting myself here.. though in my head it makes sense...

*shrug*

 

[Ezarc]

I think sanity, like control, are illusions of ones own mind. EVERBODY has issues, the so called sane ones just hide them or in the public eye "cope" with them better.
Sane, normal, good, bad, etc, are all just relative and subjective views. To each their own and do the best with what you have.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]
Now then, to the question: Is BDSM really sane? What about for those who have had psychological issues (like the chick in the Secretary) and have found BDSM to be a way of releasing whatever was pent up? What about for people who've been abused, and found solace in this? What about those people who have power issues, and this type of lifestyle allows them to act out their power lust in a 'safe, consentual way'. Is all this really sane? [...]

Sanity is kinda wierd anyway. I think the question I would ask back is "who doesn't have issues?" Every human on the planet (and probably more than a few non-humans as well) has issues... it's how we choose to deal with them that makes as sane or insane.

Someone who is insanely jealous and possessive, and chooses to deal with that by finding someone who loves to be controlled -- to me, that sounds sane. It's playing to your strengths, and in a way, using your weaknesses as well.

So if we acknowledge our desires and kinks, and deal with them constructively, then I see that as very sane. I think the real mark of sanity is that by doing so, we can (again by choice) make our lives richer, funner, less boring, more interesting -- yet at the same time without damaging or hurting ourselves or others.

So even though I'm not a control freak, even though I'm not into S&M, I still see them as healthy. As I do naturalism, swinging, gangbangs and so on. They're all healthy "sane" ways to express our individual sexuality.

 

[FungiUg]

Bingo!

Does this mean we scratch the use of the term "vanilla" or do we redefine it?

I hate the term "vanilla". It's a label I disagree with, and I often state that there is no such thing. (Well, not in the way we use it.)

A swinger will call someone who isn't into swinging "vanilla". A person really into the science fiction/fantasy scene will call someone who isn't "vanilla". A BDSMer will call a non-BDSMer vanilla. And so on.

So except for those of us who are BDSM swingers and into science fiction/fantasy, we're all "vanilla"!

Anyway, I much prefer caramel.

 

[Croctden]

Probably not

The average human life span is roughly 70 odd years. I've always felt you should go out and grab all the happiness you can. If BDSM is what you like, why shouldn't you?

Aristotle had a theory of humanity as a social animal, but he recognized that some people were so warped that they should just go off into the wilderness and live there as happy as they could be rather than struggle in society. I've always liked that because it's not one-size-fits-all which none of us are.

When I first learned of BDSM it attracted me, but I was not sure I should try it. That is societal pressures. If what mainstream society offers does not appeal to you, then try something else. Just because it's on the fringes does not mean it's wrong. What I would call "healthy" behavior is far broader then what pop culture claims. If you liked some bizarre type of music everyone thought was garbage that ruined your mind would you ask this question about it? Sex is just a bigger issue. If an allegedly "normal" relationship would leave you dissatisfied and you know it, how is it sane to not try an alternative?