is it rape?

[Guest]

can anyone tell me, is it rape if you are married to him and he doesn't beat you or anything but just forces the sex and holds you down but without the bruises?

in most states if a spouse does it, it isn't considered to be, but i just wondered what people thought, like if it was right/wrong?

 

[Flagg]

In three words:

Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

[Sammyjo]

Forcing someone to have sex is wrong. And I think that the man would be prosecuted if he were doing such a thing.

Yes, it is hard for people to believe that a husband can actually RAPE his wife. And no, there doesn't necessarily have to be bruises or hitting.

The laws are changing to reflect this, because people are starting to realize that this does happen.

If you are talking about yourself..please seek help.

 

[Expertise]

In most states IT IS. If it is without your consent husband or not its rape/sexual assault.

 

[Guest]

thank you for the responses (and the support)

he is a good husband and he loves me

its just that he thinks it is funny that it is not illegal where we live and even jokes about it that he can do it without it being wrong.
besides, (can't remember who said it but) there is no way for me to get help becase how can i prove it if there are no bruises?

besides, often enough i can push him away if i fight him and am really determined.

thank you so much for responding

 

[Jeff726]

Yes it is rape no matter how little or how much force is applied. He could even make threats against you and that would still be rape in itself.

Ms Flowerpetal, please get some help soon before you get hurt. If you want to talk sometime, email me.

((((((flowerpetal)))))


Jeff

 

[CreamyLady]

The results of a rape are so much more than physical, and any investigating officer, physician and rape counselor knows this.

It isn't funny, it is illegal, and I'd really, seriously think about getting some counseling or help. If he is truly a loving and good husband, he should learn just how hurtful that kind of behavior is.

 

[Mortto56]

I don't know where you live,but I think if you call the law and tell them,they will tell you if there are any laws on the books...But yes,if you are a unwilling person in this situation,"IT IS RAPE" plan and simple....Maybe you might think about getting out of the relationship....Just a thought!..Goodluck!

 

[Guest]

(sigh)
i really am an activist against rape... but he doesn't hurt me, really he doesn't... i just don't enjoy it when i don't want it... when i ask him about it later on... he doesn't even realize... he thinks that i was wanting it and that i was teasing him (sorry for all the grammar errors i am rambling ... also b/c i am a regular user and don't want anyone to know who i am b/c of the subject matter) he is not an asshole at all... he is just sexually frusturated b/c i don't put out enough
he really is so incredibly sweet
and as i said, most of the time he stops
and yes it really is perfectly legal
the only thing that would make it even remotely illegal would be if he beat me or something, which he would never in a million years do

most of this happened last month and only b/c he wanted to get me pregnant
which we talked about
and he is really trying

 

[Expertise]

With all due respect ma'am. It is not ok. Because he doesn't beat you does not make it right or excuse it. Non consensual sex is rape ... pure and simple (irony intended)

Get out or get help or both. Good Luck. Be safe.

 

[Patryn]

If you've tried explaining the way you feel to your husband and he still doesn't get it, he's doing it because it IS rape. Get out. If he can't respect that you have the right to say what happens to your body and when, that's no man that you need to be with.

 

[Ezzie]

Flowerpetal, whether he hits you or not, it doesn't matter. I have an ex who liked to try and do this to me and his excuse was similar "Oh, when you said no I thought you were just teasing" and in a matter of 2 attempts at trying to get me to have sex when I didn't want to, he learned real fast that when I said "NO!" I meant it. Granted I had to get a little physical myself and give him a good knee to the groin but he learned and never tried again.

I'm sure your husband loves you but in that same aspect he needs to learn to respect you also.

As for getting help and more advice, may I suggest a woman's crisis line in your state. It's totally confidential and they would be able to give you the exact laws that your state has regarding this.

If you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on then feel free to email me, I'm always willing to listen.

 

[Guest]

wow thank you so much to all the people who have responded.
perhaps i will go and talk to someone about this. i am going to go and talk to someone about my lack of sexual urges first to see if that will help things.

my husband would much rather i wanted the sex than not. he prefers it when we are both willing 10 times out of 10... i have just not been willing that is the only problem!

you are all so sweet. thank you very much.

 

[Lethal_beauty_27]

can anyone tell me, is it rape if you are married to him and he doesn't beat you or anything but just forces the sex and holds you down but without the bruises?

in most states if a spouse does it, it isn't considered to be, but i just wondered what people thought, like if it was right/wrong?

i totally agree having sex when your forced ie with a husband, wife,boyfriend,girlfriend, or just a complete stranger is rape. If you never accepted the ofer and it was forced on you than YES.
You should talk to someone about this. A close friend family someone and get help. Maybe your husband thought you were just playing hard to get. So you should also talk to him, Tell him how you feel and deal with it. Or it will just start to change the trust that you had in him.
I hope eveything works out for you...

 

[Guest]

okay... i am on aim right now and bringing the topic up with my husband... i will notify you all how this goes...

 

[Guest]

okay for anyone that was curious...

here is the conversation ...
i hope this doesnt make me look bad when you see how sweet my husband is but i had to be honest at least.... (now you can see why i didn't use my user name) i promise you all i am not crazy, only frusturated.

i am fp (flowerpetal)
and he is hb (husband)


hb: it does
fp: sometimes it doesn't seem to when you hold me down
hb: that's because of the fact that you always fight
hb: and i told you last night
hb: if you say you don't want it
hb: i stop
hb: if it didn't matter to me
fp: that was not true every time and you know it
hb: then i wouldn't have just gone a few weeks with no sex
hb: sometimes you didn't fight
fp: adn i don't fight every time
hb: but only when you initiated it
hb: and that only happened when we were first dating
hb: and when you were writing erotic literature
fp: but sometime when you hold me down you hurt my wrists and stuff
hb: and special things and locations should be there to enhance sex
hb: not required to have it at all
hb: that's because you fight hard sometimes
hb: but when you say you don't want it
hb: i stop
hb: and i don't mean to hurt your writs
hb: wrists
fp: and you haven't always stopped when i said to
fp: you know it
hb: sometimes i didn't know if you wanted me to or not
fp: and i feel bad b/c i feel like
fp: i have led you on those times
hb: sometimes i misjudged it
fp: and you are not the bad guy
fp: right exactly
fp: that is what i was trying to say
fp: but i think a lot of it
fp: is b/c your hormones get the better of you you know?
fp: they sort of "take over"
hb: well
fp: and you don't realize you are hurting me do you?
hb: from now on
hb: if you fight
hb: i will just stop
hb: that way there will be no confusion
hb: i jsut thought you liked it that way
hb: i'm sorry
fp: oh no honey it is okay I love you
fp: you know that
fp: it just can get scary
fp: like that one time in particular which I think you remember....
fp: and last night
hb: i remember that
fp: i didn't like last night b/c i was upset and wanted you to stop
hb: i didn't realize you didn't want it right away last night
hb: i thought it was like a lot of other times
hb: but don't worry
fp: and i just wish you could tell the difference between when i am playing and when i am really serious
hb: there is no way
hb: you say it the same way every time
fp: but did you eventually figure it out last night that i was upset?
hb: yes
hb: that's why i stopped
fp: no, b/c i giggle when i am not serious
fp: every time!
hb: not always
hb: if that is true...then you have not wanted it a lot
hb: and last night
hb: you may not have wanted it
hb: but why would you say you needed more foreplay and that i couldn't just stick it in
hb: ?
hb: that implied you wanted foreplay first
hb: you send mixed signals
hb: unless you decide to use certain phrases to tell me your serious
fp: i do?
fp: i don't mean to!
hb: then i can't tell
fp: when i as talking about foreplay i mean in general
fp: but last night you were "forcing" the foreplay on me bc you were frusturated with me
hb: how am i supposed to be able to tell?
fp: and how could i enjoy it like that?
fp: you were angry and your emotions came through what you were doing
hb: i thought you were just fighting it like you always do
fp: again, i was so obviously upset
fp: and was telling you to stop
hb: you always tell me to stop
fp: no i don't!
hb: you do
fp: that is not true!
hb: it is
fp: and when i am kidding i giggle and i smile and all that
hb: but not always
hb: but it doesn't matter
hb: from now
hb: on
hb: if you say to stop
hb: or that you don't want it
hb: then i am stopping
hb: but what does it matter anyways?
hb: you don't get sexually excited anyways
hb: so we don't have to worry about it
fp: sigh....
hb: but if we do
fp: so you will be content with me not putting out then?
hb: i don't know
hb: i doubt it
hb: but i don't have much choice
hb: so it will have to be enough
hb: i still love you
hb: and at least i will get to be with you
hb: i have the uncanny desire to play more video games though
fp: i don't want you to be unhappy.. i will try to give you more sex okay?
hb: it won't be what i want
fp: okay.. back to the video games then
hb: no
fp: i know
fp: i'm so sorry
hb: not like that
hb: just to keep my mind off of it all some
hb: times
hb: they tend to keep my calmed down
hb: and my libido low
hb: and that's what i have to do
hb: but i still want to spend time with you



so in conclusion i have apparently not been very clear in what i was wanting even though i had thought that i was. thanks again everyone.

 

[Expertise]

That is fucked up. Disturbing and fucked up in fact. Sorry but it is.

Goodluck what ever you decide to do.

 

[Guest]

why is it fucked up?
you are hurting my feelings.

 

[Expertise]

Sorry. I didn't mean to.

It just seems like you are trying to rationalize or excuse these absolutely reprehensible actions. It seems obvious that you love him and because of that you are not accepting of the reality. The reality that you confronted me with anyway.

As hard as it is try stepping back from it and asking yourself this.If it was your sister or your daughter in that situation ... would it be rape?

BTW just because the law doesn't classify it as rape makes no difference in my eyes.

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad I was just trying to offer what I thought was sage advice.

I truly do wish you good luck and happiness with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

flower power?

hon .. did you tape your private conversation or something?

 

[dancinvixen]

It is rape no matter what......

Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. A rape is a rape, even if there are no physical reminders of the act, if a person is forced to have sex against their will, in every way, shape AND form, it is rape. Yes a husband can rape his wife. Does it make it legal that most states refuse to prosecute against the husband if this happens, NO NO NO NO. Rape is not legal. (sorry about the strong response, but being raped is no fun, and it is extremely harmful. personal experience) Any woman who has been a rape victim, knows, that rationalization comes with it. Flower, you don't have to rationalize anything. You need come staright out and tell your husband that what he did was wrong, and that both of you need to seek counseling. His behavior in saying that he didn't know, is just an excuse. Any man can tell you, that he knows when a woman doesn't want sex. (sorry to put you guys on the spot.) When a woman says no, that's exactly what it means, NO. Next time, try being louder in your no. Also, if he doesn't stop, then just start screaming. Trust me when I say, that it will put a damper on things, maybe long enough for you to get up, or maybe even long enough for him to stop. Either way, you have to do something.

[Edited by dancinvixen on 08-03-2000 at 01:10 PM]

 

[Thumper]

Jus' wanna know

What kinda brain dead Neanderthal(maybe I shouldn't slander our beloved but dumb ancestors witha comparison to this Yeti) enjoys sex with an unresponsive partner...Whacking off would be better....at least my hand moves a little...

Guys like this frost my pop tarts...I hate to share the Y chromosome with these idiots...

And statements like this get my panties(if I wore any) in a bunch too..."He really is sweet about it!" ARRRRRRRRRGH!

IT IS RAPE if it was my daughter she would guarantee that he didn't sleep too soundly...

 

[Bliss]

Re: flower power?

hon .. did you tape your private conversation or something?

Maybe he's in the mob and this is an FBI transcript?

 

[Sue]

FlowerPetal

why is it fucked up?
you are hurting my feelings.

I agree with Expertise. If in fact what you are saying is true, and that conversation is for real, you need help. More help than we can give here on this board.

And if that hurts your feelings, well, better your feelings hurt than you protect some asshole or end up dead.

 

[Nicole]

I agree Rape is Rape.

I just hope to God that this person is not who I think it is ... Because this person is one of the most loving and sweetest people on this board.

I qoute this "(sorry for all the grammar errors i am rambling ... also b/c i am a regular user and don't want anyone to know who i am b/c of the subject matter)".

If it is whom I think it is ... I talk to you (alright not very often, but just the other day) on AIM ... You may feel free to talk to me about this if you like and you know that I am always there for you.

That goes for anyone at all. Just try me on Darlingnikki1971 and if I'm there please feel free to contact me. Again if it is this person you also have my other name.

((((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))) To you whoever you are. I'm very sorry for what you have gone through. For you to open up on the board like this you have taken the first step at least. You say that you are going to see someone about why your sex drive isn't very big ... Look people are different and we don't all have the same sex drive. Your Husband may have a large sex drive and by the sounds of things you have a small sex drive. Unfortunantly that is life ... I know that doesn't help at all, but it's the way things are.

I do however think that you BOTH need to go and talk to someone about this. Get it out and talk to each other with a professional there.

You have my thoughts and my love. Good Luck.