Is it possible...

[Just-Legal]

To be completely, totally in love with someone, and to feel more than just sexual attraction to someone else?

I ask because I'm rather stuck in a situation semi of my own making and feeling fucked over by my own emotions...

 

[Guest]

JL, those are feelings you're talking about. You can't help them. What you do about them is another matter, and where real love enters the equation. Tough, I know.

Perdita

 

[Just-Legal]

*sigh* I was afraid of that.

My partner and I have been together over two years. He stood by me through the whole RB (Rat Bastard) incident... I love him and would willingly spend the rest of my life with him. Okay, he's not fantasic in bed but he willingly takes direction and I can't really expect miracles, he was a virgin when we got together.

And then there's P (not you Perdita sweetling). I should point out I have slept with him before, but long before partner and I got together. At the time I thought it was just sexual, but I ran into him on Friday when visiting friends and *boom*... right between the damn eyes. I just found myself talking away with him late into the night and before we knew it we were kissing. I broke off and before my head reasserted itself I had one thought.

"I could easily love you".

But I still feel the same for my partner (only drenched in damn guilt now).

 

[Lukie]

a question.....

Oh, I believe that is a question as old as time! I mean if you fall for someone and that someone doesn't love you back...is that "unconditional love"? And if you love someone...great relationship...does that mean you are shut out of attraction to others....
I like what I read - it is feelings and we have to moniter how we react to the feelings. Hey, I believe..this site shows that we can have a "soulmate" and still be attracted to fantasies....
Not much of an answer here...I think it's just to reasure that what you go through is normal....
good luck!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

To be completely, totally in love with someone, and to feel more than just sexual attraction to someone else?

If by "more than just sexual attraction" you mean having both a sexual and romantic attraction for one person while being totally in love with someone else, I'd say, sure. But odds are it'd be emotionally messy as hell. Good luck.

note: Larry McMurtry's second novel, "Leaving Cheyenne" is about an "open" love triangle between two guys and a gal who are life-long friends. She sleeps with both but won't marry either because it'd exclude the other guy. Good read.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[fifty5]

... "I could easily love you".

But I still feel the same for my partner (only drenched in damn guilt now).

It really is possible to love more than one person.

The problem - and solution - is whether the people you love can love each other.

Though it's a real bugger when they decide they love each other more than they love you!

f5

"Faithful" isn't about who you fuck, but about who you share it with.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'd like to know where the idea that you can exclusively love only one person ever came from, because it really makes no sense. We're certainly able to love more than one friend, or one child, or one pet. Why should romantic love be any different?

---dr.M.

 

[Just-Legal]

I'd like to know where the idea that you can exclusively love only one person ever came from, because it really makes no sense. We're certainly able to love more than one friend, or one child, or one pet. Why should romantic love be any different?

---dr.M.

The bitch in me says Catholicsm.

 

[Liar]

I'd like to know where the idea that you can exclusively love only one person ever came from, because it really makes no sense. We're certainly able to love more than one friend, or one child, or one pet. Why should romantic love be any different?

---dr.M.

Because it, for some reason, comes with a sense of territory, a sense of possession. There are some things in life that you just don't want to share with too many people, because of the risk that it might get watered out, or that you get competed out of the picture alltogether. I've seen romantic love bewteen three people work, but most of the time, it just complicates things.

 

[neonlyte]

Personal experience

Yes, and the pain of it will possibly drive you (and at least one of the others) 'insane'. Though you can recover, with time.

NL

 

[oggbashan]

Agony Aunt stuff...

It might be a warning that you need to assess your relationships using your brain.

An old flame is always attractive because of our selective memory. We remember the good things and forget or minimise the bad things. That makes Friends Reunited so dangerous. If you can find your first love you might reject the person who has been your partner for years - only to find out WHY your first love didn't last.

Gratitude on its own is not a good basis for a relationship. Being 'grateful' is difficult to maintain and can kill friendships by the enduring sense of obligation. Pity for someone else is also disastrous because you assume a superior stance. A relationship should not be one-sided or too unbalanced if it is going to survive for years.

Someone else's partner is often attractive because you only see part of the person whereas you see all of your own partner, good and bad, or perhaps you have stopped realising what you have.

Think! Why is the other attractive? What is missing from your current relationship? What do you want to do in the longer term? Perhaps you might decide to ditch both and seek an unattainable perfection? If you want a long term relationship the other person must be a friend as well as a lover.

Enough Agony Aunt stuff. You have to think hard. Whatever happens people can be seriously hurt, including you.

Og the ancient

 

[Just-Legal]

Thank you all for your comments, especially Ogg!

I have some hard thinking to do... but its going to have to wait til AFTER I kill a few hundred braincells on holiday...

Helen - just tryin to smile

 

[Guest]

Helen - just tryin to smile

Try harder, Helen, it's a beautiful smile .

I'd like to thank Ogg too, gave me a lot to think about as well.

best, Perdita

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Just a thought. But when you marry one of the vows is fidelity. Assuming you are marrying someone you love it seems to make sense that people recognize you can love more than one person at a time. If love were totally exclusive then there would be no need for a vow of fidelity would there?

-Colly

 

[fifty5]

Just a thought. But when you marry one of the vows is fidelity. Assuming you are marrying someone you love it seems to make sense that people recognize you can love more than one person at a time. If love were totally exclusive then there would be no need for a vow of fidelity would there?

-Colly

Ok, true, but that steps aside from the fundamental question: what is the faith that you are keeping?

My own opinion is that it is not to deceive or exploit. My wife has a veto over whatever I do - and vice versa, of course.

Our fidelity to each other over thirty-odd years of marriage has meant that we've supported each other through quite a number of things that others might think inappropriate, but if they do, then that's their problem.

Helen, talk to your partner.  So far as you tell it, you've done nothing yet that he has any right to be over-annoyed at.  Ignore the 'loving wives' stories - you're talking real life here - but truth can be stranger than fiction.  Keep the faith with your partner and tell him what you feel.  If he loves you, then he'll help you through the situation - one way or another.  And if you love him, you'll accept what he can accept.

"Fidelity" means mutual trust - and that's the real bottom line.  What the narrow-minded call 'morals' is largely irrelevant.  Trust his love - and show him that he can trust yours.  And from there, take it where-ever it goes!

f5

 

[snooper]

Double posting:





Wait for it,





See below.

 

[snooper]

I'd like to know where the idea that you can exclusively love only one person ever came from, ...

It was invented by women to keep men from wandering off during the unfortunate time when she is unavailable for sex, followed by the even worse time when she is heavily pregnant and not interested in sex, followed by the terrible time when the baby cries at the wrong moment causing an interruptus, followed by the excruciating time when a small child wanders into the bedroom and asks, "Daddy, what are you doing to mummy?"

 

[Guest]

Aw, Snooper . It was invented by the church and state for the sake of property rights. Fidelity and Love as we know them (still too highly idealized and romanticized) are cultural constructs (excuse the term but it fits).

I think you were trying to be funny, but I found your post irksome. All the oppressions we (men and women) still live under can be traced to our patriarchal roots.

Perdita

 

[snooper]

... I think you were trying to be funny, ...

Believe me, I suffered from all of them, and the last one is still remembered as one of the most embarassing moments of my life.

... I found your post irksome. ...

Sorry.

 

[Guest]

Sorry.

No, no, no - apology not needed. I only said 'irksome' to state something. All's well. Perdita

 

[pop_54]

I hope you don’t mind me being blunt and open, but that’s the only way I know, and you did ask the question… I’m not going to air my life in public, but I speak from experience here. I’ll just follow the Oggie and the others maybe wording it a little differently at times, having been there.

You say you love your SO deeply and would spend the rest of your life with him, he helped you through RB etc… Taught him all he knows about the finer points of love making hey, (lucky bastard)… are you truly in love with him, or are you still thanking him? Has he become a habit rather than a true lover?

You say you had a deep feeling of emotional love for this other bloke while in his company… Or was it a deep feeling of lust? Maybe you want to try someone you don’t have to teach the ropes just for a change… Maybe that is it, you need your life spicing up a bit… No harm in that as long as no one’s hurt, and that includes you.

You have to consider your feelings as well as those of the bloke’s involved… could you handle an illicit affair without excessive guilt? If not don’t take that course.

You are the main character in your life, your life should be lived to please you primarily, not others… Ok respect other people’s feelings, but don’t twist your life up to suit them… however, don’t keep others hanging on, that wouldn’t be fair on them.

Now for the crunch answer to you question, “can you really deeply madly love someone while having feelings of emotional lust or even love for another occasionally?” Of course you can, you’re only bloody human, not a machine. It’s what you do about those feelings that count, and whether or not it risks causing you or someone else pain and anguish... There is a thing called human nature at work here, but it's being stifled by your upbringing and the religion based moral standards we're all subjected to as we grow.

As others have said… time to talk to your long time lover, and to yourself… I think you need to discuss your life and relationship with him in as gentle a way as possible to reassure you as much as anything how you really feel about him and the relationship.

Up to you dear, take it from here… I’d love to think you could wind up as lucky as me, but our kind of relationship is very rare with any long-term success.

 

[Just-Legal]

*laughing* I found this old post on a random google search... wow. Old history..

 

[oggbashan]

*laughing* I found this old post on a random google search... wow. Old history..

But did you take notice of the advice?

Og

 

[jomar]

Beware of the 24 hour crush.

 

[Vermilion]

yeah - I'm all curious now - what happened?
Did you stick with the SO? Did the other guy turn out to be the love of your life? Has the sex improved if you stayed with the SO?
So curious now
x
V