Is it possible to be too gentle??

[Homeboy]

Hey guys, gota question for the kings and queens in the 'know'.

My fiancee was a virgin our first time, so, I was exceedingly gentle...I love her to death, how could I not be gentle? But it was still painful for her. We've had sex several times since then, but it always seems to hurt her. Im not massively proportioned or anything, so its something else. Is it possible that by being so gentle I've....kept her from 'loosening up' so to speak?


Somenone give me some kinda clue......

 

[BBWlynn]

Maybe you need to try lube. Or it could just be that she is still getting used to it!!

 

[Bindii]

No its not because you have been too gentle.

I suggest you try a bit more foreplay before you attempt intercourse, if the woman isn't aroused enough then it can hurt.
Preferably make sure she has an orgasm first, and the lube idea is a worth a shot too!

Try different positions, some positions can hurt.

 

[Homeboy]

Nope, doesnt help much there...we tryed it right after oral sex, she was very....satisfied, and if you need more lube than that, even Crisco wont help.

 

[Guest]

Wait...

Well for some people sex takes a while till you actually start to enjoy it. But I would stick to the idea of her reaching orgasm first. Either by you pleasing her or her pleasing herself. Watch enjoy and wait...sex will get better.

 

[Homeboy]

....Sure hope so....

We have a wedding planned, and I'ld just assume it was finished with a little ..wayhay hay. But if shes not up for it, you cant really expect it.


Someone suggested drunken sex....any comments?

 

[Bs]

E gad boy!

Drunken Sex?

Whatever are you thinking? I strongly suggest that you start drinking NOW!!! And don't stop till one of you cums to your senses! (heres a hint it won't be her) And call the wedding off!

If sex is painful for her now do you know what your chances are of "getting any" after the "big day"? (hint its between 0 and none)

A wise man once told me "If you put a marble in jar for everytime you sex before your married, and then take one out everytime you have sex after your married, you'll never lose all your marbles."

Don't let the little head start thinking for the big one.


For what its worth this is either very good advice or,

 

[girl]

Nope, doesnt help much there...we tryed it right after oral sex, she was very....satisfied, and if you need more lube than that, even Crisco wont help.

Actually, this is not true. Some women don't produce enough lubrication and the amount (and consistency) of the lubrication changes during the course of a woman's cycle. I would definitely have lube handy.

You might also consider the brand of condom you use (assuming you use them). I have a reaction to Trojan brand condoms. Can't use them; they make me burn.

Otherwise, if she's still having a lot of pain, have her talk to her gynecologist about it. There could be a medical reason.

Good luck
girl

 

[girl]

For what its worth this is either very good advice or,

I think it's the 'or' myself.


girl

 

[LukkyKnight]

Homeboy, I have three suggestions for you

Actually, this is not true. Some women don't produce enough lubrication and the amount (and consistency) of the lubrication changes during the course of a woman's cycle. I would definitely have lube handy....

Otherwise, if she's still having a lot of pain, have her talk to her gynecologist about it. There could be a medical reason.

If you're after advice about marriage, be sure to listen to those in working relationships more than those who have not sustained a long, close, intimate one.

Keep in mind that marriage is NOT ABOUT SEX, even though there's a lot more to be said on that topic.

Lastly, if it's advice about female sexuality, women are most likely the better sources of information and insight.

You don't know any of us from a fence-post. Some of us are bitter, jilted, or confused. Some of us sound wise but aren't. Some communicate poorly in spite of great wisdom. Ask whatever you like here, but consider the source of the answers carefully, ok?

 

[Homeboy]

The drunken sex thing.....it wasnt meant the way it sounded...One of her friends suggested it, said it dulled any pain and generally made it more enjoyable. I never implied getting her drunk for my own benefit. And your right, marriage consists of considerably more than just sex. But it can certainly smooth the gears alittle, you have to agree. We've been together for...going on 5 years and have only been sexually active for, say....a year. (not that we didnt beat around the 'bush' you understand). So, if there isnt much sex in our ealry marriage years, it ont effect our relationship much at all.

Thanks for the info guys...

 

[morninggirl5]

Is she relaxed when you get to actual penetration? It sounds like she's expecting it to hurt each time and probably tensing up enough that it does hurt. Also consider that after an orgasm from oral sex, she may be very sensitive and not really ready for penetration.


My advice is to keep trying, do everything possible to help her relax, and definitely make sure she's aroused and ready before you try penetration.

 

[Cutie Lillie]

I agree with those who have suggested relaxation, lubrication and so forth..

But if she does continue to have pain.. a visit to her Dr. is a must! Its the only way to really undestand what's going on... and I'm sure she is just as frustrated and doesn't like to comprehend a lifetime of this..

Good Luck to you both!!!


And congratulations on the engagement!!!

 

[HarlemBlade]

Homeboy,

First of all, congratulations on the engagement, man. I wish you two the best.

Now the sexual situation you are describing is really similar to the situation with myself and my last girlfriend. Both her and I were virgins, and when we started having sex, it was often quite painful for her. In our case, I think a lot of the cause was mental on her part. She was always tense about sex because she was expecting it to be a painful, weird, experience. I, like you, was always exceedlingly gentle and kind with her, but it didn't seem to help too much, either.

What we did find that worked, though, is a lot of what has already been posted in this thread for you. Make sure she's very well lubricated (naturally or with some lube). A lot of foreplay helps, especially if you let yourselves get caught up in it and not think, "soon we'll have sex; i hope it doesn't hurt this time." Sex is just as much mental as it is physical.

The times when my ex was really able to enjoy herself was when we both let ourselves go and went naturally and [very] passionately. Try not to think too much about it or the problem will only intensify. If you both let yourselves go, it will make a big difference, I think.

Though if the problem is persistant, it may be medical on her part. A trip to her gyn could be helpful.

Good luck, though, and congrats again!

 

[Cutie Lillie]

Harlemblade brings up a good point! Pressure...

You know..its ok just to have foreplay and not even 'go all the way'...

So she knows its about 'her' and not about 'you'..which I know its not by the way you talk.. but still.. There is something to the two-hour-torture thread. LOL

Relax and enjoy each other.. there is no need to rush anything!


Good Luck!!!!

 

[WhiteRose]

You might try different positions (you didn't mention if you had in your post). When I was first sexually active, it hurt whenever we tried it in the missionary position. When I was on top, I was in control of the movement and could pick my own speed and depth. It helped a lot, and he was very patient and let me do whatever felt good (sex was new for him too and he was happy just to be getting any )

 

[Homeboy]

Whiterose,

Your right on that account, missionary is about all we've done. And I've mentioned trying other stuff to her, but she normally takes it as a perverse thing for me more than a relief issue about her. Know what I mean? So....that would help if it ever came to pass, but even that looks like a problem.


Any suggestion in convincing that point.....? Cant very well I say, " I met a woman named Whiterose...she suggested we...."
Sounds like the begining of an argument.


Thanks Whiterose!

 

[HarlemBlade]

What do you mean exactly? She isn't emotionally comfortable with other positions besides missionary? I'm pretty sure that while missionary may be more "acceptable" it's also one that allows some of the least ease in penetration of those out there. Try to convince her you want to try out some new positions for her own sake, to make sex more enjoyable for her (which we can all tell you want, anyway; why wouldn't she?). Just be gentle with her and understanding.

Going in from behind offers a lot of pentration but if she's not comfortable with that, if she's on top she will have a lot more control over how much penetration happens.

 

[HarlemBlade]

Oh yeah, I just thought of another position, though the name escapes me. >_<

But anyway, lie her down on her side in front of you and you pull up behind her so your chest rests on her back and your heads are fairly even. Lift her leg up so you can penetrate her. It's very similar to doggy-style, but it's on the side and it is much more intimate and relaxing. She might like that. And she can change her angle by shifting her torso towards or away from you. This allows her to control the depth of penetration.

good luck

 

[Starfish]

Something no one has mentioned here is the possibility that she may have physiological reasons for the pain.

She may want to see a doctor if the pain is persistant and chronic.

 

[Cutie Lillie]

Starfish..

Actually a few of us did suggest that..

In fact, thinking back. It might be a good thing for her to get an examination from her gynocolgist anyway.. especially now that you will need to consider birth control.

Please tell me you aren't just going to rely on condoms!!

 

[Guest]

Couple of things for you. Ive got a friend, who's new girlfriend was VERY VERY tight. I guess they started having sex, and after #2, she went for her exam. Aparantly, she is very small, since they used the smallest tool (cant remember the name...), and it ripped he inside. Basically it took a few months, and they have to do it frequently to keep her from tightening up again. But now she seems to really enjoy it.

She also may just be very nervous, and "freaked out". Take your time, and make sure she wants to, and not just doing it more for you.