Is it me??

[Lenticularis]

FOr some time now, over a year perhaps, I have been trying to find a repalcement slave girl/sub to play with. Using the very limited facilities in teh UK for finding subs makes it hard, but when the subs who do reply, and they are few and far between, have no real understanding of what the BDSM world is all about. The ask for training and 'hard' scenes but then you discover that training can only happen on the third Friday of any month with a Q in it and then only if its a full moon. Had means please dont leave any marks otherwise soemone may find out.
Are there no honest subs left out there any more or am I just looking in th wrong place? An yes I have considered it may just be me too, but seriously when you look at some of the replies you get I do wonder if there are any truly who want to train and learn.

Lenticularis

 

[MeekMe]

FOr some time now, over a year perhaps, I have been trying to find a repalcement slave girl/sub to play with.

Are you looking for compatible people or is the only requirement that they be "sub"?

Using the very limited facilities in teh UK for finding subs makes it hard, but when the subs who do reply, and they are few and far between, have no real understanding of what the BDSM world is all about. The ask for training and 'hard' scenes but then you discover that training can only happen on the third Friday of any month with a Q in it and then only if its a full moon. Had means please dont leave any marks otherwise soemone may find out.

I don't know what kind of places are available in the UK, but there are threads open specifically for UK posters, perhaps they will know of some resources. When you're getting to know these people, are you asking them what they mean by training? Everyone has a different idea. Personally, I can't stand the use of the word.

When they bring up scenes, are you clarifying right away what that means? If you're asking upfront when it is mentioned, or bringing it up yourself, I can't see this being very surprising later unless they outright lie to you. If they don't understand or have limited knowledge though, I doubt they're trying to be dishonest and it's more that they don't have the tools to communicate what they're interested in.

Are there no honest subs left out there any more or am I just looking in th wrong place? An yes I have considered it may just be me too, but seriously when you look at some of the replies you get I do wonder if there are any truly who want to train and learn.

Lenticularis

There are honest and dishonest people everywhere. Putting a label like "sub" on doesn't change the fact that they are people. There probably are lots 'who truly want to train and learn.' You just have to find the people that want to do it the same way as you.

(Bonus question: what exactly are they training for and learning? ;; This always makes me think of really odd things.)

 

[Blue]

I've heard of something called LAM in London in the cafe's UK thread, might want to check that out. Apparently it's like a monthly BDSM shopping extravaganza or something, I'd think that the people and groups there will be much more casual regarding their BDSM than the "oh please hit me daddy" *cringe* types you seem to be finding. You might be able to find a more comfortable person more to your liking through the connections there?

(Bonus question: what exactly are they training for and learning? ;; This always makes me think of really odd things.)

I'm quite certain that they've just had a bunch of choreographed and hyper-exaggerated dungeon porn dropped on them so their comprehension of BDSM probably revolves around those god-forsaken cringeworthy formal contracts, 50 Shades of Grey, the ever ambiguous "training" and methodical pain infliction with no intimacy or anything.

I doubt they even know what they are saying when they say "training", they've probably just heard it recited in a bunch of 4 minute videos and assumed it means something significant, because to me that means the hardcore 24/7 literal human slave scene.

 

[SpunThings]

FOr some time now, over a year perhaps, I have been trying to find a repalcement slave girl/sub to play with. Using the very limited facilities in teh UK for finding subs makes it hard, but when the subs who do reply, and they are few and far between, have no real understanding of what the BDSM world is all about. The ask for training and 'hard' scenes but then you discover that training can only happen on the third Friday of any month with a Q in it and then only if its a full moon. Had means please dont leave any marks otherwise soemone may find out.
Are there no honest subs left out there any more or am I just looking in th wrong place? An yes I have considered it may just be me too, but seriously when you look at some of the replies you get I do wonder if there are any truly who want to train and learn.

Lenticularis

Nothing in your description says these subs are dishonest. I think the problem you have is that you think everyone has the exact same definition for the words you're using. Finding someone who wants exactly what you want is hard, no matter how you do it. Expect to spend more time, and use more words, to find a compatible partner.

There was nothing wrong with the subs you described, except that what they wanted didn't match up with what you were looking for.

 

[Lenticularis]

I always ask what they are looking for as I am happy to try and work with what they would likeout of the arrangement, not just what i would like. Many times it is like trying to get blood from a stone as they have not clearly thought through what they would want to do other than get tied up. After that it all gets a bit foggy.
I discuss training for two reasons. Firstly, as many do not udnerstand the concept that they are getting involved with I try and educate them in what it means. Secondly i try to train them in to my likes and dislikes, so that should the arrangement progress as it has in the past they then know how to please their dom, as clealry that is one of the parts of teh scne for me at least.
I know it is not made easier by the fact that we live in a country area far from the big cities. London seems to be over run with submissive ladies, but none are ever going to travel a long, long way for meets.
I will keep trying, for a bit longer anyway, much longer and I will start running out of lifetime.

Lenticualris

 

[SpunThings]

I always ask what they are looking for as I am happy to try and work with what they would likeout of the arrangement, not just what i would like. Many times it is like trying to get blood from a stone as they have not clearly thought through what they would want to do other than get tied up. After that it all gets a bit foggy.
I discuss training for two reasons. Firstly, as many do not udnerstand the concept that they are getting involved with I try and educate them in what it means. Secondly i try to train them in to my likes and dislikes, so that should the arrangement progress as it has in the past they then know how to please their dom, as clealry that is one of the parts of teh scne for me at least.
I know it is not made easier by the fact that we live in a country area far from the big cities. London seems to be over run with submissive ladies, but none are ever going to travel a long, long way for meets.
I will keep trying, for a bit longer anyway, much longer and I will start running out of lifetime.

Lenticualris

I don't understand how any of this makes them dishonest though. You play with newbies, you get all the unexpected outcomes as they figure out what they do and don't want. If you don't want to go through a lot of partners, don't play with newbies.

I think the problem here is with your expectations. You are going to need to change them a bit.

 

[SpunThings]

There's something I've read many a time in answer to questions like this. If you keep getting the same problemmatic outcomes when seeking a partner, the common denominator is you.

 

[CutieMouse]

IMO, nothing described in the OP has anything to do with submission. Kinky fuckery, yes; submission, no.

Further, is the OP willing to 100% financially support the submissive who meets his standards, including investments to live off of should the relationship end? That's the only way I can imagine being available at the drop of a hat, and able to ignore the physical realities of heavy S&M activities (no restrictions on visible bruising, etc.).

 

[Raingirl85]

I think everything SpunThings has commented is pretty spot on.

Regarding playing with new/inexperienced subs.. have you considered spending some time sharing or watching a variety of BDSM/kinky porn with them? It may help them discover more concretely what turns them on, what they'd like to try with you. It may be easier for them to point to a scene playing on the screen that they think is hot and say "This! let's do this!" than to conjure that scene out of their own imagination having zero experience from which to draw it.

 

[Blue]

I think everything SpunThings has commented is pretty spot on.

Regarding playing with new/inexperienced subs.. have you considered spending some time sharing or watching a variety of BDSM/kinky porn with them? It may help them discover more concretely what turns them on, what they'd like to try with you. It may be easier for them to point to a scene playing on the screen that they think is hot and say "This! let's do this!" than to conjure that scene out of their own imagination having zero experience from which to draw it.

Tell them to steer clear of 50 Shades of Grey as well.
I set a stopwatch on my phone and recorded how long it took me to recite everything I think is wrong with 50 Shades and I am in no way exaggerating that it took just under two and a half uninterrupted hours.
I am rather irreverent when it comes to 50 Shades.

 

[Raingirl85]

Tell them to steer clear of 50 Shades of Grey as well.
I set a stopwatch on my phone and recorded how long it took me to recite everything I think is wrong with 50 Shades and I am in no way exaggerating that it took just under two and a half uninterrupted hours.
I am rather irreverent when it comes to 50 Shades.

Totally agree! Couldn't get through the book and never even bothered seeing the movie. Not only is there so much wrong with the portrayal of bdsm and the relationship between the main characters, but it was fucking BORING! Just constant him brooding and her crying.

 

[Malich]

Ok, I'm UK based and have met several partners through various means. Some of this is not specifically aimed at the OP as it gets a bit snarky later on and for this I apologise. Over the years I have met people through

1) Fetlife - It's not ideal, but its a good place to find local groups and, more importantly, local social events. Munches and play parties can be good places to meet likeminded people

2) Literotica - Peruse the personals here. I have had a few meet ups with people I've started chatting to through either a personal add or through one of the forum threads

3) LitChat - Again, not ideal but you can meet local people on there from time to time.

4) Other BDSM chat rooms - Same as above, hit and miss but you can meet some awesome people in there.

But all of those are for nought if you go in looking for something without considering them as a person. You have to sell yourself as a partner as much as they have to sell themselves as a sub. In almost every case the people I've met up with I've been talking to for months just socially when, for what ever reason, we've decided to take it to the next level.

Going into a room looking to hook up, messaging every female who enters the room (especially in the middle of a conversation with another woman) just smacks of disrespect and desperation.

My Current sub and I met on a BDSM chat site where we had both been members for a few months, chatting as friends. Neither of us can pinpoint when it changed but all I can say is that we were friends first, Lovers second and I could not be without her now!

So go out there... but go out their socially, not hunting.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

There are some fine ideas in these responses.

I would add that you are starting each connection in cloudy water. It's a negotiation. You're inviting disappointment when you don't state the qualities and conditions that are a) essential, and b) desirable. Think of a business seeking a qualified match for a position: how many suitable candidates would you get if you advertised for someone, to do something, and we can talk later about what and when and how, or not.

Whatever avenue you use, state your minimum needs and your nice-to-haves. This may result in even fewer responses, but the ones you do get will be more likely to result in an arrangement that is satisfying to both parties.

 

[richard_daily]

I always ask what they are looking for as I am happy to try and work with what they would likeout of the arrangement, not just what i would like. Many times it is like trying to get blood from a stone as they have not clearly thought through what they would want to do other than get tied up. After that it all gets a bit foggy.
I discuss training for two reasons. Firstly, as many do not udnerstand the concept that they are getting involved with I try and educate them in what it means. Secondly i try to train them in to my likes and dislikes, so that should the arrangement progress as it has in the past they then know how to please their dom, as clealry that is one of the parts of teh scne for me at least.
I know it is not made easier by the fact that we live in a country area far from the big cities. London seems to be over run with submissive ladies, but none are ever going to travel a long, long way for meets.
I will keep trying, for a bit longer anyway, much longer and I will start running out of lifetime.

Lenticualris

Doms don't cry.

 

[MeekMe]

Doms don't cry.

Why?

Last I checked, PYLs (d-types) are still human.

 

[midwestyankee]

FOr some time now, over a year perhaps, I have been trying to find a repalcement slave girl/sub to play with. Using the very limited facilities in teh UK for finding subs makes it hard, but when the subs who do reply, and they are few and far between, have no real understanding of what the BDSM world is all about. The ask for training and 'hard' scenes but then you discover that training can only happen on the third Friday of any month with a Q in it and then only if its a full moon. Had means please dont leave any marks otherwise soemone may find out.
Are there no honest subs left out there any more or am I just looking in th wrong place? An yes I have considered it may just be me too, but seriously when you look at some of the replies you get I do wonder if there are any truly who want to train and learn.

Lenticularis

Yes, it almost certainly is you, for the 93 good reasons that my colleagues have already mentioned above plus one more. You already know that it's you or you would have titled your thread differently. Oh, you talk a good game about nobody understanding the world of BDSM and there being no honest submissive women out there, but down deep you know it's you.

 

[Belle_SS]

Apply water to burned area...

 

[butterfly_flip]

FOr some time now, over a year perhaps, I have been trying to find a repalcement slave girl/sub to play with. Using the very limited facilities in teh UK for finding subs makes it hard, but when the subs who do reply, and they are few and far between, have no real understanding of what the BDSM world is all about. The ask for training and 'hard' scenes but then you discover that training can only happen on the third Friday of any month with a Q in it and then only if its a full moon. Had means please dont leave any marks otherwise soemone may find out.
Are there no honest subs left out there any more or am I just looking in th wrong place? An yes I have considered it may just be me too, but seriously when you look at some of the replies you get I do wonder if there are any truly who want to train and learn.

Lenticularis

My question to you would be what is it about YOU that should make a girl want to submit(to you)? What is it exactly that you are offering them? What makes you such a prize catch?
If you're continually looking at this as a one way transaction, then it's no fucking wonder you're still looking......

 

[Que]

There's something I've read many a time in answer to questions like this. If you keep getting the same problemmatic outcomes when seeking a partner, the common denominator is you.

Yeah, yeah....ALL my ex-wives tell me that crap....

-kidding, I skated by with just the one.

 

[Lenticularis]

Perhaps it is me. I am old, around 62, and perhaps I have different expectations of the world than younger people. I have had a number of successful hook ups in the past. I spend a lot of time talking to the odd one or two that may reply to my contact trying to find out what motivates them, what they are looking for and what they want me to provide etc. It is not a quick contact lets get to it and move on.
I do think I suffer becasue I am not in a big city, far from it. There are no local groups, apart from sheep, or munches or anything else that many folk use.
If the consensus is that it is all my fault, I will not go away and cry, although Doms do cry in my opinion, then it will continue to be a bit of a desert for me, and I may well give up. erhaps my age is the biggest hurdle, as no matter what is said in the PC world, once you get past 50 you become increasingly a burden and less useful.
Thank you all foro your thoughts anyway.

Lenticularis

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Perhaps it is me. I am old, around 62, and perhaps I have different expectations of the world than younger people. I have had a number of successful hook ups in the past. I spend a lot of time talking to the odd one or two that may reply to my contact trying to find out what motivates them, what they are looking for and what they want me to provide etc. It is not a quick contact lets get to it and move on.
I do think I suffer becasue I am not in a big city, far from it. There are no local groups, apart from sheep, or munches or anything else that many folk use.
If the consensus is that it is all my fault, I will not go away and cry, although Doms do cry in my opinion, then it will continue to be a bit of a desert for me, and I may well give up. erhaps my age is the biggest hurdle, as no matter what is said in the PC world, once you get past 50 you become increasingly a burden and less useful.
Thank you all foro your thoughts anyway.

Lenticularis

It's only an age thing if you have a problem with subs your age too. Why don't you try meeting a vanilla woman your own age who will likely have the same amount of time as you and you can introduce her to BDSM?

You need to have qualities that attract women in their 60's though.

I certainly have a problem with going too high above my own age or too low. I have kids and parents and can't get passed a big age gap reminding me of family members, which is not my kink.

Sam xx

 

[Sweetemmygirl]

It's only an age thing if you have a problem with subs your age too. Why don't you try meeting a vanilla woman your own age who will likely have the same amount of time as you and you can introduce her to BDSM?

You need to have qualities that attract women in their 60's though.

I certainly have a problem with going too high above my own age or too low. I have kids and parents and can't get passed a big age gap reminding me of family members, which is not my kink.

Sam xx

I agree. Age is only a problem if you let it be. Some women like older men, some do not. I do think it is a good suggestion to find someone who is the same place in life that you are. Being available to someone 24/7 is not a reasonable expectation. For me, my child will always come first no matter what, so that puts restraints on my time.

Finding a vanilla woman who is a bit curious is also a great idea. Doing so would allow you to express your desires, needs and wants as well as allowing her to discover herself.

The biggest thing is that you must be very clear in your expectations. Sometimes we have explained ourselves and think it should be clear and easy to understand, but to others its as clear as mud.

Good luck in your search.