Is it cheating?

[Aynmair]

What constitutes cheating, in these internet days?

I don’t mean the traditional cheating of fucking behind the back of your partner. I mean something else, which is easier expressed in questions. IMO a chat session or Skype session of mutual masturbation with someone other than your partner is very likely cheating. Cheating is very much in the eye of the beholder, particularly in the eye of the person who feels wronged. But what do you think about the following scenarios...

... exchanging PMs with someone but not on sex-related topics?
... mild flirting on threads (of the sort that goes on all the time)?
... writing and posting a story that includes sex scenes that may or may not be inspired by your RL partner?

I am thinking about this as a possible plot for a story, so I feel it is not out of place here.

 

[smallgirl]

I don't see cheating as anything other than actually fucking someone else, or oral sex with someone else.
But, my husband thinks anything you have to hide from each other is cheating. I don't really see that? I think everyone flirts and most people know when to stop, and I know damn good and well he has flirted back with the women at work who are all over him every time I go in there.
Do I see that as cheating? No. Would he if it were me that was flirting? Oh hell yes.

 

[SikFuk]

Anything is cheating in the eyes of an abuser. Simply looking at another man can get you a busted lip. Smallgirl's situation is an interesting example. Some would call her partner an abuser, other's wouldn't. Abusers want total control over their partners. They enforce that control through mental, or physical abuse. Maybe he's not enforcing control, maybe he's just a whiner. Who knows? I know I won't put up with that kind of crap.

So, to answer the OP's question, it depends...

Good luck SG.

 

[sr71plt]

I think the first question to ask is whether cheating has any standing or onus attached to it on an erotica story Web site. I vote no.

 

[Aynmair]

I think the first question to ask is whether cheating has any standing or onus attached to it on an erotica story Web site. I vote no.

Hmm - not saying it's relevant to the 3 particular scenarios listed, but don't you agree that, for some people at least, cheating adds to the erotic "feel" of an encounter? And isn't the LW category full of stories about or involving cheating? (actually I have minimal experience there - I've read very few, since they don't actually do much for me)

 

[sr71plt]

Hmm - not saying it's relevant to the 3 particular scenarios listed, but don't you agree that, for some people, at least cheating adds to the erotic "feel" of an encounter? And isn't the LW category full of stories about or involving cheating? (actually I have minimal experience there - I've read very few, since they don't actually do much for me)

I've never experienced cheating as an extra turn on, no.

I suppose I could conceive of writing a story with that theme, but I can't remember off hand ever having done so--and it wouldn't be a projection from RL.

And, again, for the purposes of an erotica discussion board, I'd tend to just breeze on such impediment. I'm not a Catholic.

 

[StrangeLife]

But, my husband thinks anything you have to hide from each other is cheating...

That is actually a really good definition, because it adopts a flexible scale depending on the tolerance of ones partner. That is the determining factor as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship after all.

I would add that if anybody has a partner who has a problem with the type of light banter that goes on in here, it's time to seek councelling or call the Dr Phil Show...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If I want sex its cheating regardless of what I do.

 

[loquere]

A relationship isn't just based on sex, so therefore you can cheat linguistically & emotionally, etc.


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: In an interview published in the November 1976 issue of Playboy magazine, then-Governor Jimmy Carter talked about the role of religion in his life. In one part he said:

" I try not to commit a deliberate sin. I recognize that I'm going to do it anyhow, because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'
"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do--and I have done it--and God forgives me for it."

 

[Bramblethorn]

That is actually a really good definition, because it adopts a flexible scale depending on the tolerance of ones partner. That is the determining factor as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship after all.

I would add that if anybody has a partner who has a problem with the type of light banter that goes on in here, it's time to seek councelling or call the Dr Phil Show...

Yep, my definition of cheating is "whatever you and your partner agreed on".. If their definitions seem unreasonable, don't date them.

 

[Aynmair]

If I want sex its cheating regardless of what I do.

So by inference, if you don't want sex, it's not cheating? Correct? That's a different definition from what others in the thread have given. Just checking.

 

[Swilly]

But, my husband thinks anything you have to hide from each other is cheating...

That is actually a really good definition, because it adopts a flexible scale depending on the tolerance of ones partner. That is the determining factor as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship after all.

I agree. Of course, there are landmines you might step on that you don't even realize are there. I stepped on one years ago, and have learned to stay the hell out of the minefield as a result.

 

[Aynmair]

Yep, my definition of cheating is "whatever you and your partner agreed on".. If their definitions seem unreasonable, don't date them.

A relationship isn't just based on sex, so therefore you can cheat linguistically & emotionally, etc.


PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: In an interview published in the November 1976 issue of Playboy magazine, then-Governor Jimmy Carter talked about the role of religion in his life. In one part he said:

" I try not to commit a deliberate sin. I recognize that I'm going to do it anyhow, because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'
"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do--and I have done it--and God forgives me for it."

So, if I read your opinions correctly, option 1 would not qualify as cheating while 2 and 3 very well might/will.

I reiterate that I am trying to get a feel for the range of opinions out there. Though this is rather a biased sample, given the general topic of the site.

 

[Aynmair]

I agree. Of course, there are landmines you might step on that you don't even realize are there. I stepped on one years ago, and have learned to stay the hell out of the minefield as a result.

That's a great way of putting it.

 

[Handley_Page]

13 86.67%
3 20.00%

Add those numbers and I reckon the computer's got it wrong.
Or have I missed an important bit of statistics ?

 

[mynameisben]

13 86.67%
3 20.00%

Add those numbers and I reckon the computer's got it wrong.
Or have I missed an important bit of statistics ?

The fact that the poll allows you to choose more than one answer makes things a bit wacky. You can even select both "All of the above" and "none of the above" as one legitimate vote. What do you suppose a vote like that will do to the computed percentages?

 

[Bramblethorn]

So, if I read your opinions correctly, option 1 would not qualify as cheating while 2 and 3 very well might/will.

I reiterate that I am trying to get a feel for the range of opinions out there. Though this is rather a biased sample, given the general topic of the site.

Option 1 could count, if your partner has very very conservative notions of fidelity. Though this would be firmly in my "so don't date them" basket.

13 86.67%
3 20.00%

Add those numbers and I reckon the computer's got it wrong.
Or have I missed an important bit of statistics ?

It means 13/15 people checked "none" and 3/15 checked "all". As per my answer above, I checked both boxes, which would be why those answers add to more than 15.

 

[loquere]

So, if I read your opinions correctly, option 1 would not qualify as cheating while 2 and 3 very well might/will.

I reiterate that I am trying to get a feel for the range of opinions out there. Though this is rather a biased sample, given the general topic of the site.

2&3 yes.

 

[smallgirl]

Anything is cheating in the eyes of an abuser. Simply looking at another man can get you a busted lip. Smallgirl's situation is an interesting example. Some would call her partner an abuser, other's wouldn't. Abusers want total control over their partners. They enforce that control through mental, or physical abuse. Maybe he's not enforcing control, maybe he's just a whiner. Who knows? I know I won't put up with that kind of crap.

So, to answer the OP's question, it depends...

Good luck SG.

Trust me. He's a whiner. No sugar coating it....ill just call it what it is.

 

[Swilly]

13 86.67%
3 20.00%

Add those numbers and I reckon the computer's got it wrong.
Or have I missed an important bit of statistics ?

That's what happens when you let patientlee into the math room, I guess.

 

[ILienBagby]

first of all...

You cannot cheat unless you are in a relationship. So, to think whether you are cheating, think first about the person on whom you are cheating. Bramblethorn got it mostly right, though not all people arie able to define exactly what they would consider cheating..."flirting," for instance, is pretty ambiguous...If I praise someone's new hairdo (or haircut) is that flirting and therefore cheating?

I believe that in order to consider whether or not a person is cheating, one needs to consider the character of the person who is ostensibly being cheated on. It would be practically impossible, I believe, to cheat on a person who is strong, positive about his/her moral character. sexual prowess, and abilities. That person cannot be cheated upon. Cheating must include harm to a cheatee. The strong. sexually secure, mentally positive person, therefore, cannot, by definition, be hurt by even the most blatant attempt at cheating. (consider this all you BTB commentators)

 

[smallgirl]

That is actually a really good definition, because it adopts a flexible scale depending on the tolerance of ones partner. That is the determining factor as to what constitutes "cheating" in a relationship after all.

I would add that if anybody has a partner who has a problem with the type of light banter that goes on in here, it's time to seek councelling or call the Dr Phil Show...

LOL...I agree. I, personally don't see anything with coming to lit, and chatting the way I do.
What would he do if he found out? I'm guessing he'd go thru with that divorce he keeps threatening me with.

You know the old saying "every dog has its day"? Well once I graduate and I'm making more money then he is? That dog may threaten one too many times.

 

[smallgirl]

You cannot cheat unless you are in a relationship. So, to think whether you are cheating, think first about the person on whom you are cheating. Bramblethorn got it mostly right, though not all people arie able to define exactly what they would consider cheating..."flirting," for instance, is pretty ambiguous...If I praise someone's new hairdo (or haircut) is that flirting and therefore cheating?

I believe that in order to consider whether or not a person is cheating, one needs to consider the character of the person who is ostensibly being cheated on. It would be practically impossible, I believe, to cheat on a person who is strong, positive about his/her moral character. sexual prowess, and abilities. That person cannot be cheated upon. Cheating must include harm to a cheatee. The strong. sexually secure, mentally positive person, therefore, cannot, by definition, be hurt by even the most blatant attempt at cheating. (consider this all you BTB commentators)

I kind of see what you are saying. Couple of years back hubby admitted to fucking one of his employees on his desk before work one morning.

OK. So what? Was I hurt? Not really. I understand doing something like that and why it happens. I understand why he did it.

Was I threatened that she was better than me? Hell no. I'm pretty damn sure of my sexual capabilities. Did I feel cheated on? Absolutely not. I told him....OK. you've come clean. Feel better? Lets move on

I understand most people wouldn't understand me feeling that way. But I understand cheating and why it happens.

 

[Mavenzelle]

It depends on your partner. Really, the boundaries of a relationship should begin at the VERY start.
The conversation should begin with, "What do you expect of me?"

For instance, my boyfriend and I have had this conversation multiple times.
There was a time when even flirting with other people was out-of-bounds. There have been other times when skype/cyber sex was permissible, but anything in-person wasn't.

I view relationships as a verbal contract. Anything that goes against contract, is cheating. And the contract is always subject to change.

 

[ILienBagby]

May I add?

Thinking that you are being cheated on, implies a type of ownership, ownership of a partner's sexual parts, ownership of a partner's thoughts, or ownership of a partner's deeds. Seems like a form of slavery to me. And I seem to remember that slavery was outlawed in most of the world over a century and a half ago.