I'm here for the similar reasons. a non-existent sex life. Too busy or maybe scared to start over in life? I don't know what I'm hoping to find here...but exploring this feels better than cheating?
Doesn't it depend a little on what you want? It's hard to know what "spice" is for each person. I'm assuming a lot of this is a little more intense sensation play like spanking or using nipple clamps.
I think it's hard for a vanilla guy to think about spanking a woman in play or pulling her hair.
If it's a matter of feeling submissive in the bedroom, why not turn the tables a little bit? Blindfold him, have him lie back and tease the heck out of him. Tell him that's how you want to feel the next time.
Or kneel in front of him and beg to worship his cock. Put him up on a pedestal and make him feel dominant - help him see what's in it for him.
It's tough. I know the feeling you get in your pussy drives your brain crazy and you just keep wondering.... blowing off a little steam in Lit-land is a good idea.