Is it as good as fantasy?

[j3nny01]

I am very frustrated in my vanilla relationship. There are SO many things I want to explore and I have to respect my husbands right to not be interested in those things.

 

[coatcheckgirl]

I used to be you. So here is where I came to play. I've freed myself from the shackles now...and life is so so so much better.

Best of luck to you. I'm happy to chat if you need an outlet.

Ccg

 

[OldDom]

I am very frustrated in my vanilla relationship. There are SO many things I want to explore and I have to respect my husbands right to not be interested in those things.

PM me or turn yours on.....

 

[MeekMe]

In my opinion, the fantasy and reality can't be compared. In fantasy, we don't get pinched by rope, the clothespins don't twist, and there are no itchy noses that need scratching. To be honest, I think it's hyped up quite a bit.

Have you talked with him about getting your needs met in other ways?

 

[CaptJRackham]

What things do you want to explore?

 

[DaddyAsh]

I tried to go vanilla for 10 years, it did not work.

 

[Blue]

Have you talked with him about getting your needs met in other ways?

^ ^ ^ ^

In case you're unsure what Meek means;
*What about a partner on the side who can meet your needs? Would you be able to bring your husband to an understanding of that he can accept?
*Have you tried anything 'small'? Pure vanilla people generally won't feel at all comfortable whipping their partners but perhaps by educating your husband on the use of less intense/overt BDSM practices you might find something he's ok with doing? E.g restrain[ts], clamps, 'roleplay', etc.
*And it might sound mundane but reading the stories here on lit can bring much needed catharsis. But to be honest I haven't heard of one stable and healthy long-term relationship like this without the BDSM-orientated partner having some sort of outlet for it.
*I'm also an inexperienced rookie at all this and there are people like DaddyAsh up there who have personal experience in dealing with situations like yours so you should probably consult him/them.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

D(.)(.) Fantasies

Dollie----------- since my husband joined this group I realize my entire life has been a real life fantasy. Even his silly user name is a fantasy.
There are many things I haven't done and many I still haven't tried. But with his silly ideas most of our fantasy dreams have come true.

Most times it's the wife who refuses to try things. But we've met many husbands who won't let their wive's dress up or even flash for fun.

Some people need to just let go and find someone else compatible.

 

[timmyid2]

I am very frustrated in my vanilla relationship. There are SO many things I want to explore and I have to respect my husbands right to not be interested in those things.

The answer to this question depends so much on what your fantasies are.

I have a sub who does not meet my fantasies very well. He's rather pushy for a sub, and not very appealing visually. Even so, I really enjoy tormenting him with belt, paddle, clips crops and such.

When I submit to a Dom, it's usually a one time thing. It's very exciting, and the anticipation is only matched by the trepidation once I surrender to him and am restrained. Every time I've been a sub there were times I really just wanted to end it, but that would not have satisfied my Dom, and that's paramount when I'm in subspace. I always feel satisfaction and pride when I can endure whatever he/she asks of me.

timmy

 

[Sweetemmygirl]

I am very frustrated in my vanilla relationship. There are SO many things I want to explore and I have to respect my husbands right to not be interested in those things.

I am in this same situation . It sucks. But, I'm determined to fix it. I've already taken the steps to do so and o far it seems to be working. Make sure you find someone to talk to. Someone with experience in these types of situations. It will be a big help. Good luck.

 

[amofiga]

Sometimes the reality is not as good as the fantasy, but you have to give it a try

 

[Daisy_darling]

My experience

In my experience, with the right person, the reality can be just as good as the fantasy. But finding that person can be very difficult x

 

[Raingirl85]

I think it depends how much you REALLY get off on the kink versus getting off on the IDEA of the kink that you are considering.. For a lot of what I like in the BDSM world, the reality is BETTER than the fantasy..because in fantasy I can't feel the pain and pleasure, only imagine it, I can't truly enter that mind-fuck place, only imagine it. It doesn't hold a candle to the real thing IMO.

On the other hand, there are one or two kinks that I have liked better in fantasy- for example watching in porn or reading about, but which when we tried them didn't actually do all that much for me. The idea of them was hot, is still hot, but turned out not to be my thing IRL.

So it really depends.

 

[j3nny01]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful respones. Without sharing sharing much info (on my part) you each added something relevant and thought provoking.
I did not think I would be the only person in this situation and am interested in how others dealt with it. I have tried approaching the subject a number of ways over the years and ha e really not reached a point where I can even start to feel satisfied. I was hoping you all would say "oh no, you're not missing anything!" Just kidding.
I love my husband and my life. What I feel I am needing is almost overpowering though.
Ps, I don't know how to turn on my PM....

 

[OldDom]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful respones. Without sharing sharing much info (on my part) you each added something relevant and thought provoking.
I did not think I would be the only person in this situation and am interested in how others dealt with it. I have tried approaching the subject a number of ways over the years and ha e really not reached a point where I can even start to feel satisfied. I was hoping you all would say "oh no, you're not missing anything!" Just kidding.
I love my husband and my life. What I feel I am needing is almost overpowering though.
Ps, I don't know how to turn on my PM....

1...close to top of this page on the left is a selection for "User CP". Select it.

2....on left size, look for edit options. Select it.

3....look about 1/2 way down the page and there is a box marked "Enable Private Messaging" . Select it and save the entry.

Then step back because it will fill up fairly rapidly because of your posts. Good luck. Please PM me if this doesn't work.

 

[Kittyscave]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful respones. Without sharing sharing much info (on my part) you each added something relevant and thought provoking.
I did not think I would be the only person in this situation and am interested in how others dealt with it. I have tried approaching the subject a number of ways over the years and ha e really not reached a point where I can even start to feel satisfied. I was hoping you all would say "oh no, you're not missing anything!" Just kidding.
I love my husband and my life. What I feel I am needing is almost overpowering though.
Ps, I don't know how to turn on my PM....

If it helps, I'm in the exact same boat. "I love my husband and my life. What I feel I am needing is almost overpowering though."

 

[cascadiabound]

1...close to top of this page on the left is a selection for "User CP". Select it.

2....on left size, look for edit options. Select it.

3....look about 1/2 way down the page and there is a box marked "Enable Private Messaging" . Select it and save the entry.

Then step back because it will fill up fairly rapidly because of your posts. Good luck. Please PM me if this doesn't work.

2 other recommendations:
If you get inundated with PM's you can turn off your PM's but start a "Buddy List" and anyone on your buddy list will be able to PM you, but others will not. You can add as many people as you want to your buddy list.
or
you can have your PM's on all of the time, but turn your settings so that when you are active on Lit you are "invisible" This will reduce the number of random PM's from people who just want to chat because they see that you are on the site.
Good luck

 

[Hisstory]

From what I can gather here in Literotica land, there are a lot of individuals who are in the same situation. I love my wife, I respect her desires and opinions, but want more than vanilla. So I come here to read, explore, opine and have a little fun.

PM if you want...

 

[richard_daily]

That depends... do you want to live your life in/as fantasy, or do you want to have fulfillment in reality?

Either is valid, but I certainly prefer to explore things in real life, rather than suppress feelings, emotions, and interests.

 

[timmyid2]

I have tried approaching the subject a number of ways over the years and ha e really not reached a point where I can even start to feel satisfied. I was hoping you all would say "oh no, you're not missing anything!" Just kidding.
I love my husband and my life. What I feel I am needing is almost overpowering though.

A lot of us have similar problems. I love my wife dearly, and go to great lengths to keep her happy. The man she lived with just before we met left her when he became interested in BDSM. As a result, she's not only turned off by the thought of BDSM play, she recoils in terror and disgust when it's mentioned.

My solution has been to keep my explorations secret. I would never want to harm her, so she does not know about the times that I've hunted for a Dom on craigslist to submit to, or when I visit a sub who likes it when I torment him. I would much rather that she be the one who dominates me so that we can share the experience, but that will never happen. Thus the subterfuge.

I do NOT recommend stepping out for fetish play. It's taking a great risk. It can be viewed as cheating, and that can hurt your mate far worse than a whip or closed fist. It can ruin a marriage.

timmy

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MyNameIsNO]

I can't even get my husband to spank me. So I come here, I read, sometimes I play if I feel a connection. Honestly it will most likely stay in fantasy with me. I'm fine with it that way and that's what matters to me.

 

[subgreen]

After being on here for a while I have decided I'm mostly vanilla. I like a tease and a little voyeurism, but the spanking and tying up and other bdsm stuff just doesn't do it for me. The normal stuff does plenty for me.
I like typical roleplay ideas, then again I'm on here so I'm not totally vanilla.

 

[evest12]

better I think

I think it's better than expected...I did a few DOM things with my wife, spankings, holding her down, rough long hard fucking but she eventually got tired of it and just wanted to get it over with....we havent' had sex together for a few years....long story...and I've found others....others who wanted more, wanted to explore and were grateful that we could try that experience ....not always what they wanted or expected, some just couldn't go thru...but it gave us both the chance to experiment....

 

[Sinfulsun]

I'm the same way. I love my husband but need more spice in the bedroom. He's not into that..so I just read and fantasize.