Is he real?

[lepordskin3001]

I lay here in the silence afraid to be alone, afraid to love, afraid of getting hurt.

So I lay here in the silence alone, wishing, hoping he will come. Dreaming of him acting as if her were there holding me and somehow out of no where, here he comes. Staring into my eyes. So deeply I am going to melt if he comes any closer to me. He runs up to me and hugs me with out saying a word. because there are no words to say the way we feel for eachother even saying I love you would only be one fourth of what I feel. for him. He is holding me so tightly I can not breath. I love the way he holds me so tightly. he pushes me away holding my shoulders He lookds into my eyes so deeply it makes me tingle. inside we stand there staring into eachothers eyes.
he takes my hand and leads me to a blanket that he has laid out we drop to our knees holding eachother tightly. looking into eachothers eyes we kiss so passionatly we are kissing and tounge wrestling he lay me down so gently we lay there under the stars. the only thing that we can hear is our hearts beating faster and faster and very noisily together and our heavy breathing. we wrestle around for a while I am on the bottom now I feel a stick in my back I open my eyes and he suddenly disapears. Where did he go I hate it when that happens I miss him so much why is he messing with my reality like this why cant he be here holding me like he says he wants to it is all a dream was her really here?

 

[lepordskin3001]

hmmmm

come on people I want to hear from you I want your input on what I write this is what this whole thing is about and so far 16 people came and read this one and my other one and no replys or posts or whatever I dont care if u dont like it tell me if u do great tell me just tell me something

 

[WickedEve]

It's rough--doesn't look like much editing was done to it. I don't really see a poem here, yet. It reads like prose, but with some work it can be revised into a poem. I'd offer some suggestions but I don't have time right now.

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Orginally posted by lepordskin3001
______________________________

Okay, I took a peek but I think it looks like the beginning of a story OR a very short story. Also, you must proof-read the work. It has many typos. You're asking for advice "now", so let's see what we can do

First, you have to cut down on a lot of words to put this into free verse poetry. I'm a long writer myself when it comes to this, and know it's very hard.

Rewrite it by cutting down on some words, and let's play around with this. Surely, we can turn this into a poem

 

[tarablackwood22]

Orginally posted by lepordskin3001
______________________________

Okay, I took a peek but I think it looks like the beginning of a story OR a very short story. Also, you must proof-read the work. It has many typos. You're asking for advice "now", so let's see what we can do

First, you have to cut down on a lot of words to put this into free verse poetry. I'm a long writer myself when it comes to this, and know it's very hard.

Rewrite it by cutting down on some words, and let's play around with this. Surely, we can turn this into a poem

This is what I see there, if you remove the unnecessary:


I lay in silence, hoping
he appears
to hold me,
to squeeze and talk me
breathless,
to look at me
and scald my eyes.

I need us tangled,
under stars.

 

[Tathagata]

This is what I see there, if you remove the unnecessary:


I lay in silence, hoping
he appears
to hold me,
to squeeze and talk me
breathless,
to look at me
and scald my eyes.

I need us tangled,
under stars.

Jesus do we miss you

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Well, you summed that up pretty damn good!!