Is "Dom" another word for "Asshole"?

[PepperminTrish]

I just want to add that I've encountered several Doms here at Lit that are anything BUT assholes. I will also addmit that for the longest time, I did believe that Dom=asshole but I've been happily proven wrong.

 

[brokenbrainwave]

So I'm wondering, are there any out there that can redeem this word? Or are the studies right and most men who feel the need to dominate women sexually are compensating for lack of control in the rest of their lives?

yeppers, this pretty much sums it up. Then again, I simply do not get the whole need to dominate thingy.



But that Eyore jammies line was hillarious...

 

[lilminx]

I'd like to add that I like him in a purely platonic way.

But that shaved head........makes me almost want to switch teams.

His hair is really short right now, but it's not shaved! he said when he starts going really bald he's just going to shave it all off.

 

[tulip2lipservice]

Minxie I liked him to and

probably wouldn't of known he was a dom in the bedroom if I didn't know he was from here, something like that. Very nice guy and you two make a lovely couple.

Hmmm Islandman would have stayed with the home team. Now that makes me wonder.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[zipman]

we're in a somewhat different area where bdsm is concerned zip. i was agreeing with the fact i think more people are posers and say they're into the lifestyle becouse it sounds cool than there actually are.

the people i know who classify themselves as "dom (or domme)" seem to fall into a few different categories~most noticably the angry frustrated man. Someone who is lacking and gets off on the power trip.

From my own personal experience working in leather bars and being in the scene (look up Hellfire,the Lure,the Eagle,the Spike and the Vault~these are all the places i hung out in my twenties) I've encountered very few who take thier partners pleasure or even limits into consideration except in the case of couplings.

I've made posts about things i dont care for within the homosexual community~just becouse someone is gay or some subject material conatins a gay theme doesnt mean im going to automaticaly love it. I can handle an honest thought out criticism~but just making nasty comments is a different story (for example kilswitch spent about a month stating i had an amyl nitrate problem when in fact ive never done a popper in my life...and im open to experimenting with drugs!)

for the most part i believe this thread should have been titled "is Lance an asshole" to wit i should have replid "yes"

sorry if i upset you.

Thanks Glam, I wasn't upset, merely a little disappointed that you didn't address the stereotyping that was going on here.

I remember times when it was "cool" to be either "bi" or "gay" and a lot of guys (and women) proclaimed themselves as such. There are always going to be people who are posers.

A better analogy is if someone started a thread stating that all gay men were flamers (like Jack in "Will and Grace"). As someone who was in the restaurant business in Manhattan, I have worked with many gays who fit that stereotype. Of course, I have also worked with many who didn't. Stereotypes come about because there are people like that and they become representative of the group.

Since gays and lesbians are stereotyped quite often, I assumed that you would notice and comment on it. Perhaps that was an unfair expectation on my part.

The truth is that an asshole is an asshole no matter what their sexual preferences are. There are certainly many Doms who could be called assholes and it would be accurate, mainly because they are. However, to equate a sexual preference to a personality trait, or vice versa is simply wrong, and perpetuates these negative stereotypes.

As I said, I shouldn't have expected you to take up the cause.

No hard feelings! (pun intended!)

 

[Ebonyfire]

I've yet to meet a man here who calls himself a "Dom" who hasn't proven to be a total prick.

So I'm wondering, are there any out there that can redeem this word? Or are the studies right and most men who feel the need to dominate women sexually are compensating for lack of control in the rest of their lives?

Examples please.

One woman's asshole is another woman's Prince.

Words to live by.

 

[zipman]

But that's not really the point. You just stated your opinion. My opinion is different. Arguing over that won't change anything. You can't prove it's not a learned behavior so what's the point?

Also I did NOT base my opinion on anyone on thier sexuality. I didn't know Lance was a dom when I first encountered him, nor did I know it about the other 2 men I was thinking of when I started this thread. I only knew they were assholes. Finding out later that they were doms lead me to this question, which I've been thinking about every so often and yes finally posted to dig at Lance. LOL

I'm not arguing with you or trying to change your mind as it is already made up.

I only posted to clarify what this thread was really about, which was a way for you to take a shot at Lance. Unfortunately, you chose to do it at others expense. I wouldn't have even posted to this thread if you didn't try and link personality traits to a person's sexual preferences, which is wrong, regardless of the group it is done to.

There are plenty of ways that you could have taken a shot at Lance without doing that and you know it.

 

[JazzManJim]

I wouldn't have even posted to this thread if you didn't try and link personality traits to a person's sexual preferences, which is wrong, regardless of the group it is done to.

But that's not what she did. Here's how the first part of this thread played out in short.

susntruck (paraphrased): Every Dom I've met was an asshole. Are there Doms who aren't assholes?

Many People (paraphrased): Yes and here are a couple names.

sunstruck (paraphrased): Okay, that's cool. I'm glad not all of them are assholes.

It seemed clear to me, as a Dom, that she was looking for examples to disprove her own personal experience and when she found it, she accepted it and agreed her experience was limited. Then the bashing started.

 

[glamorilla]

there's also the distinct possibility i was cracking a joke!

 

[bad kitty]

Dear Lord, not this thread again.

Some assholes like to think they are a Dom, but unfortunately they defy every meaning of the word.

 

[Pixie]

Dom does not equal Asshole...
nor does sub equal doormat...
Or vice versa.

 

[zipman]

But that's not what she did. Here's how the first part of this thread played out in short.

susntruck (paraphrased): Every Dom I've met was an asshole. Are there Doms who aren't assholes?

Many People (paraphrased): Yes and here are a couple names.

sunstruck (paraphrased): Okay, that's cool. I'm glad not all of them are assholes.

It seemed clear to me, as a Dom, that she was looking for examples to disprove her own personal experience and when she found it, she accepted it and agreed her experience was limited. Then the bashing started.

You are losing a hell of a lot in your paraphrasing. Take her opening post:

I've yet to meet a man here who calls himself a "Dom" who hasn't proven to be a total prick.

So I'm wondering, are there any out there that can redeem this word? Or are the studies right and most men who feel the need to dominate women sexually are compensating for lack of control in the rest of their lives?

It's not just her experience here at lit, but "the studies" that she references to validate her opinion, which she phrased as a question.

Even after you used yourself as an example of a Dom who is not an asshole, she didn't want to believe it. Shortly after you told her and flawd ethics posted, she still said "okay, that's one for Dom = Asshole." Shouldn't it have been 1 for and 1 against? She ignored you as an example that disproved her question.

But rather than go through the whole thread this way, let's just quote Sunstruck:

Yeah it's also a stab at Lance and a few others. lol But it's still a ligit observation.

Anyone sincerely wanting the answer to the thread's title could just as easily gone to the BDSM forum and read some posts or pm'd a few people.

 

[sunstruck]

It's not that I didn't believe Jim isn't an asshole. lol I just have a hard time seeing him as dominant.

The thread TITLE is partly a dig at Lance, but the thread itself IS NOT.

You can try to make it seem that way all you want, but it still won't be true.

We disagree about whether or not BDSM is a behavior or a sexuality ie. a born trait. We do NOT disagree about whether or not all doms are assholes because I NEVER STATED THAT OPINION. YOU choose to see my question as a statement when it's not. EVERYONE ELSE in this thread sees that but you, and yet you'll never even consider the possibility that your judgment is clouded by your dislike of me.

I asked a question, offered my own personal experiences and asked for opinions.

Could I have done so in a less blunt manner? Of course, but that thread title has been popping into my head for months so I used it.

You can argue about the behavior issue, you can flame me personally, but you can't blatantly LIE and say I made a statement I did NOT. Wasn't it you who warned me against the problems inherent in reading into another's words?

 

[Pixie]

It's not that I didn't believe Jim isn't an asshole. lol I just have a hard time seeing him as dominant.

He does seem like a big teddybear, doesn't he? Real Doms don't push their dominance on everyone, only on those who agree to it.

 

[sunstruck]

He does seem like a big teddybear, doesn't he? Real Doms don't push their dominance on everyone, only on those who agree to it.

Well I should hope so!

Yes, that is the Jeem problem. lol

 

[bad kitty]

LOL why oh why did I have to stop here today?

It's not that I didn't believe Jim isn't an asshole. lol I just have a hard time seeing him as dominant.

That is because you seem to already have the misconception that all Doms are indeed assholes. I was far from shocked when I learned of Snuggle Jim's dominance. Doms are real people just like everyone else. Real Doms don't go around waving a sign in the air and throwing it in everyone's face. A true Dom is very understanding, caring, and compassionate. Jim fits the bill perfectly, as does Zip.

The thread TITLE is partly a dig at Lance, but the thread itself IS NOT.

Unfortunately I HATE that people associate Lance with being a Dom. In fact he may be, but is indeed an asshole. If he is a Dom I pray to God he treats anyone who gives themselves to him with more respect and humanity than he treats most of the posters here at Lit. Maybe he has a real personality in the real world but uses Lit as a place to spew all of his anger, bitterness and bullshit. Then again, if he were a good true Dom he would realize what kind of damage he is doing by feuling the stereotype and would never mention his lifestyle on here. Remember too, just because someone owns a ninja star and some numchucks doesn't make them a ninja by far.

We disagree about whether or not BDSM is a behavior or a sexuality ie. a born trait. We do NOT disagree about whether or not all doms are assholes because I NEVER STATED THAT OPINION. YOU choose to see my question as a statement when it's not. EVERYONE ELSE in this thread sees that but you, and yet you'll never even consider the possibility that your judgment is clouded by your dislike of me.

I have no dislike of you and I strongly disagree with many of your views on this thread. that isn't surprising providing I am very well educated on the lifestyle and you aren't. I have read this thread in it's entirety and I can definately see where you are still clinging to the idea that Doms are assholes, even though you admit there may be a few good ones. Just because someone is a Dom doesn't mean they beat their submissives. Not everyone is into pain and that type of play. Doms don't inflict any sort of pain unless it is requested by the submissive and agreed upon beforehand when discussing limits. The popular opinion seems to be of a man who has a severe attitude problem and loves to beat women and force them to do things that they don't want to do. A submissive of sound mind with a decent Dom is never forced to obey. it is something she does freely due to complete trust and honesty in the relationship.

I asked a question, offered my own personal experiences and asked for opinions.

Yes, you did. It may not have been what you were trying to say but how you kept on saying it. Without any preconceptions of you I honestly read the thread without any taint and I see hostility in you towards the BDSM lifestyle and Doms.

Something else that comes to mind from reading the thread is that personally I see handcuffing and blindfolding and other "kinks" definately falling into BDSM activity.
Bondage
Dominance
Submission and Sadism
Masochism

blindfolding and handcuffing is definately a form of bondage. Just because you engage in occasional bondage doesn't mean that you are part of the BDSM lifestyle though, unless you want to think of it that way. I have a hard to impossible time believing that 90% of nonvirgins haven't participated in some form of BDSM. Most of the people involved in the lifestyle don't even practice 24/7 TPE, but are rather part time or only sexual Dominants and submissives. A person is defined by more than their sexuality.

 

[bad kitty]

And yes, some Doms are assholes, but that doesn't them a majority. Just like roses are flowers, but most flowers aren't roses.

All groups of people have assholes.

 

[sunstruck]

Careful with the word hostility. I hold absolutely no ill will toward the BDSM community. Not even a little.

I don't understand the need for it, but that doesn't mean I am hostile toward it.

Let me put it this way. Extremism either makes me laugh or makes me sad.

People into goth do not make me laugh. People who walk around down town with fake blood dripping from their necks, refuse to come out in the daylight and change their names from Annie Goldberg to Anise Moon Goddess of Darkness make me laugh.

People who are religious don't make me sad. People who force their beliefs on others, justify crimes with God's will and condemn the rest of the world to hell make me sad.

People who are into BDSM do not make me laugh or make me sad. People who have dungeons in their homes, who pay others to whip and insult them make me laugh. People who have scars all over the back of their body because they can't feel pleasure without pain make me sad.

Now I don't think that any of these examples represent the norm in any of these lifestyles. Most goth enthusiasts are friendly, non Satan worshiping people. Most religious people are kind, giving individuals and I'm sure most BDSM practitioners are healthy people indistinguishable in daily life from anyone else.

It's the extreme that ruin things. Extremism always ruins the game for the rest of the players.

What I've learned from this thread is that a true dominant does not go around telling women to put on collars or claiming that all men should grovel at her feet. I wouldn't recognize a true dominant if I saw one every day right.

That seems to be the strongest theme in the posts, so why are people surprised that the lifestyle is so misunderstood? When only the assholes are representing, people only see the assholes.

 

[JazzManJim]

That seems to be the strongest theme in the posts, so why are people surprised that the lifestyle is so misunderstood? When only the assholes are representing, people only see the assholes.

It doesn't surprise me at all. I understand the dynamic. I'm in the same boat with my religious views and much the same dynamic is in play there also. Those who shriek the loudest are the ones around which opinions get formed more often than not.

On the other hand, I very much enjoy it when I'm able to change some of the ideas folks have gotten about Doms from those who are assholes. I like that I can help most folks in the lifestyle get a more positive look from people because I'm one of them.

 

[sunstruck]

Nice work Jeem. You're still not budging me on the religious thing though.

 

[bad kitty]

It doesn't surprise me at all. I understand the dynamic. I'm in the same boat with my religious views and much the same dynamic is in play there also. Those who shriek the loudest are the ones around which opinions get formed more often than not.

On the other hand, I very much enjoy it when I'm able to change some of the ideas folks have gotten about Doms from those who are assholes. I like that I can help most folks in the lifestyle get a more positive look from people because I'm one of them.

My thoughts exactly. I am far from surprised that this is wide thought, and it is also why I feel compelled to try to enlighten someone when I get the chance.

I apologize about using the word hostile. At the time it was the only word that had come to mind in how I perceived your posts in this matter. There was an underlying tone in which you seemed to not to want to believe that Doms are good guys too.

 

[Never]

Sunstruck:
"I never considered being into BDSM a "sexuality". It's not even remotely the same as homosexuality. You aren't born to it. It's a behavior. That is NOT the same, not even a little."

Homosexuality is a behavior as well. BDSM is a sexuality too.

 

[sunstruck]

Homosexuality is a behavior as well. BDSM is a sexuality too.

If it's a behavior then it's learned. That would negate genetic homosexuality. I believe you're born gay. Yes there are times when environment leads to homosexuality, but I don't think that's the norm.

I need a word other than sexuality to describe a sexual trait or preference inherent at birth.

 

[Never]

PS: Bisexual women are eeeeeevil.

 

[ohfaque]

I am not into BDSM, cheers to those who are. I am glad to live in a place that allows freedom to be sexual beings.


It is to bad that one links being an asshole into their sexual identity.

Oh but that is coming from someone who calls me a moron. Maybe I am a moron, but she doesn't know that, does she know me at all? Nope, but she couldn't think of anything intelligent to say, so she resorted to name calling.


Come to think of it, I don't usually see her have anything intelligent to say.