Is "Dom" another word for "Asshole"?

[lavender]

Claiming that such occasional activity falls under BDSM is just like saying that a woman who engaged in a 3some on a few occasions with other women must be either bisexual or lesbian. IT places social terms/constructs on a woman or man's sexuality that need not be there.

 

[Lancecastor]

Dude I don't even know what that means. lol

Taking turns doing handcuff play, teasing the other till s/he begs...is switching between the dominant and submissive role in playing out a domination/submission sex scene, probably with orgasm delay/denial as the focus.

The essential ingredient is giving over or receiving not just physical but emotional control to/from your partner...if you're not doing that part, you're just into kink...nothing wrong with that either.

 

[sunstruck]

So being on top this morning makes me a domme? lol Or am I a sub because I was on the bottom last night?

Who's who when you're doing it standing up facing one another?

Silly.

 

[lavender]

PBW,

While I admit that sexual surveys/studies cannot be completely conclusive due to the nature of polling, I would posit that the Kinsey reports are typically the most respected and viewed estimations of sexual activity.

I admit that there may be either a higher/lower amount of BDSM that is reported.

But, where you see an upsurge in BDSM activity, I think you are incorrect. There is a part of our society that has made BDSM/the leather culture incredibly trendy as of late. I think about film, books, fashion, specific resorts, the internet, and even restaurants/clubs that specifically cater to the BDSM subculture. But while BDSM is more open in society - where people can see BDSM, leather, discussions of these topics - I dno't think that conclusively proves or even establishes a legitimate presumption that more people are actually engaging in BDSM (for more than merely experimental purposes).

I think through the internet and through an increased in networking, the community has become more solidifed and more open. While, participation may have increased and societal view may be slowly shifting, those who could be characterized as actually participating in BDSM is similar to the statistics of the 93 Janus and Janus survey - 14% male, 11% female.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Claiming that such occasional activity falls under BDSM is just like saying that a woman who engaged in a 3some on a few occasions with other women must be either bisexual or lesbian. IT places social terms/constructs on a woman or man's sexuality that need not be there.

mmm... well in some respects you are correct. But I think if a guy sucks a dick, he's got to be at least bi.

The way I see it, if you regularly, or even occasionly perform some sort of sex that involved BDSM (spanking, bondage, whipping, etc., etc.) then you have indeed incorporated BDSM into your sexuality. That DOESN'T mean you are in the lifestyle, it just means you preform some acts that fall into the BDSM arena. To you it may just seem like the way you like to show your sexuality, but technically, if you are spanking your hubby once a month, you are doing BDSM.

Now, if you try spanking and you hate it and never do it again, then yes, you have tried something that falls into the BDSM category, but you don't engage in it. I think you can say the same for a woman that has a 3some with a man and a woman. If she hates it, then we can argue she's not bi or gay. However, if she loves it, and goes on to have sex with women only or regularly engages in 3some's, then yes to some degree she is at least bisexual because she's engaging in sex with women (note to add: when I say 3some I assume she's doing stuff with both the woman and the man, not just the man in the said 3some).

 

[lavender]

Taking turns doing handcuff play, teasing the other till s/he begs...is switching between the dominant and submissive role in playing out a domination/submission sex scene, probably with orgasm delay/denial as the focus.

The essential ingredient is giving over or receiving not just physical but emotional control to/from your partner...if you're not doing that part, you're just into kink...nothing wrong with that either.

Lance,

I think the premise of your argument is one that is dangerous. Your premise extends to desire rather than pleasure - or more attention to simple hedonism.

At the point you place such high value on "desire" rather than ultimate pleasure, you open up so-called deviant sexuality to a plethora of disparaging comments and psychological ideas.

 

[P. B. Walker]

So being on top this morning makes me a domme? lol Or am I a sub because I was on the bottom last night?

Who's who when you're doing it standing up facing one another?

Silly.

You can be dominate and be on the bottom.

Raising analogies like your's is what is silly.

 

[sunstruck]

I once went to a Leather Week Festival in full domme gear. (can I just say I looked fucking hot? Cuz I did lol) but that's FASHION, not sexuality.

The dominatrix look is trendy, but it doesn't imply anything about a person's sexual habits.

 

[Lancecastor]

Claiming that such occasional activity falls under BDSM is just like saying that a woman who engaged in a 3some on a few occasions with other women must be either bisexual or lesbian. IT places social terms/constructs on a woman or man's sexuality that need not be there.

I'm not aware of any definitive number of lesbian or BDSM experiences that are required before you receive your official papers, nor would I propose to define anyone's social sexual construct but my own, dyke.

 

[sunstruck]

You can be dominate and be on the bottom.

Raising analogies like your's is what is silly.

So you agree with Lance that this:

There's a HUGE difference between enjoying a little handcuff play and BDSM.

MOST couples hand dominance back and forth. One night you're on top one night she is, sometimes you get tied to the bed sometimes she likes it when you tease her till she begs.

That's not BDSM. That's sex. It's not a lifestyle. It's a game.

Is descriptive of a BDSM relationship?

 

[lavender]

mmm... well in some respects you are correct. But I think if a guy sucks a dick, he's got to be at least bi.

You are failing to see human sexuality as a fluid concept. Reports discussing male sexuality posit that a great percentage of teenage boys engage in sexual experimentation with other males. Yet, they should not and are not classified as homosexual or bi. Such experimentation is a healthy part of growing up for a vast number of individuals.

Moreover, as one is learning/gaining their sexual identity, all sorts of activities are tried.

Many people honestly believe in the need to explore all avenues to be true to their own sexuality rather than follow the conditioning of society.

Just because a guy has sucked dick doesn't make him irrefutably bisexual - not in the least.

I think these strict categorizations of human sexuality are absolutely ludicrous - but they are perpetuated by individuals in both the majority and minority groups.

The way I see it, if you regularly, or even occasionly perform some sort of sex that involved BDSM (spanking, bondage, whipping, etc., etc.) then you have indeed incorporated BDSM into your sexuality. That DOESN'T mean you are in the lifestyle, it just means you preform some acts that fall into the BDSM arena. To you it may just seem like the way you like to show your sexuality, but technically, if you are spanking your hubby once a month, you are doing BDSM.

I totally disagree. I completely and totally disagree. This has nothing to do with the fact that I do not want my own behavior to be classified as BDSM. I will readily admit that I enjoy, fantasize and engage in some activities that could be considered within the real of BDSM. But, BDSM does not have title to all kinks, just like nillas don't have claim to missionary position fucking. Ya know?

As for spanking, a proclivity for spanking alone is not in any way BDSM.

 

[Lancecastor]

Lance,

I think the premise of your argument is one that is dangerous. Your premise extends to desire rather than pleasure - or more attention to simple hedonism.

At the point you place such high value on "desire" rather than ultimate pleasure, you open up so-called deviant sexuality to a plethora of disparaging comments and psychological ideas.

Lavender;

I think the stench of bullshit in your post above is dangerous.

Please open a window and lite a match to clear your room of potentially lethal levels of methane.

 

[P. B. Walker]

PBW,

While I admit that sexual surveys/studies cannot be completely conclusive due to the nature of polling, I would posit that the Kinsey reports are typically the most respected and viewed estimations of sexual activity.

I admit that there may be either a higher/lower amount of BDSM that is reported.

But, where you see an upsurge in BDSM activity, I think you are incorrect. There is a part of our society that has made BDSM/the leather culture incredibly trendy as of late. I think about film, books, fashion, specific resorts, the internet, and even restaurants/clubs that specifically cater to the BDSM subculture. But while BDSM is more open in society - where people can see BDSM, leather, discussions of these topics - I dno't think that conclusively proves or even establishes a legitimate presumption that more people are actually engaging in BDSM (for more than merely experimental purposes).

I think through the internet and through an increased in networking, the community has become more solidifed and more open. While, participation may have increased and societal view may be slowly shifting, those who could be characterized as actually participating in BDSM is similar to the statistics of the 93 Janus and Janus survey - 14% male, 11% female.

I tend to disagree about it not being on the uprise. Yes, it is more visiable, and we can't just say it's being done more just because of that. But I think you are forgetting about the interent. The internet is really the big cause for the upswing in the amount of people dallying in BDSM. Which is also why I think anything before 1995 is old.

Do either of us have solid number to back up our claims? No. Will we ever? Probably not for a while to come.

I just think it's a bit higher than the numbers you gave and what I saw on that Kinsey website. I would posit it's more around 20 to 25%. And I agree... Kinsey does good work, but it's not the most up to date.

 

[Lancecastor]

As for spanking, a proclivity for spanking alone is not in any way BDSM.

You spank alone? If that's not masochistic, I don't know what is.

 

[sunstruck]

Ooo! And we were this close to a civil conversation.

 

[P. B. Walker]

So you agree with Lance that this:



Is descriptive of a BDSM relationship?

mmm i can't say if Lance is correct or not. Your post about that couple sounded to me like a heterosexual couple that has incorporated some BDSM sexuality into their lovemaking. It doesn't mean they are into the lifestyle, nor have they taken the time to define their polarity in terms of BDSM. IT could be that both are switches, or it could be that one is more dom and the other more submissive. Until they take the time to explore that part of their sexuality, it's hard to say. But there's nothing wrong with incorporating it into your sexual life. But it does mean that you do some form of BDSM.

I wouldn't call it a BDSM relationship.

 

[sunstruck]

Damn, no Domme in my title then.

I'll just stick with Happily Married Woman With Exciting Sex Life. Definitely more me.

 

[zipman]

I've yet to meet a man here who calls himself a "Dom" who hasn't proven to be a total prick.

So I'm wondering, are there any out there that can redeem this word? Or are the studies right and most men who feel the need to dominate women sexually are compensating for lack of control in the rest of their lives?

Examples please.

This thread is one of the most pathetic displays of hypocrisy I've seen on Lit.

Both you and lav have loudly denounced others on this board for judging someone based on their sexuality. I guess it's wrong if someone's gay, but if they enjoy bondage more than "your" limits, then they must be an asshole.

If you were really interested in finding out about your theory, why wouldn't you just go over to the BDSM forum and read a little? Perhaps pm a few people and see what they are really like? The answer is because you really don't want to know anything about Doms or BDSM, or your theory. You just want to use this thread as an excuse to call Lance, myself and others here who are interested in BDSM assholes.

Using one or two examples and extrapolating that data out to classify an entire group of people is the basis for most of the prejudice, bigotry and racism in the world.


You've really sunk to a new low with this thread!

 

[lilminx]

I have? Who? Please give me examples or else I'm stuck with the ones I actually know about.

My boyfriend, Domcop, is very sexually dominant, yet he is the biggest sweetheart any woman can ask for. Islandman and Tulip met him, and I know that Islandman liked him very much. He's a great guy. He tries very hard to make me happy, and him making me happy makes him happy (I hope that made sense).

He just saw this thread, and he said don't judge every dom by the actions of a few douchebags.

 

[sunstruck]

Zippy is a dom???

 

[P. B. Walker]

You are failing to see human sexuality as a fluid concept. Reports discussing male sexuality posit that a great percentage of teenage boys engage in sexual experimentation with other males. Yet, they should not and are not classified as homosexual or bi. Such experimentation is a healthy part of growing up for a vast number of individuals.

Moreover, as one is learning/gaining their sexual identity, all sorts of activities are tried.

Many people honestly believe in the need to explore all avenues to be true to their own sexuality rather than follow the conditioning of society.

Just because a guy has sucked dick doesn't make him irrefutably bisexual - not in the least.

I think these strict categorizations of human sexuality are absolutely ludicrous - but they are perpetuated by individuals in both the majority and minority groups.




I totally disagree. I completely and totally disagree. This has nothing to do with the fact that I do not want my own behavior to be classified as BDSM. I will readily admit that I enjoy, fantasize and engage in some activities that could be considered within the real of BDSM. But, BDSM does not have title to all kinks, just like nillas don't have claim to missionary position fucking. Ya know?

As for spanking, a proclivity for spanking alone is not in any way BDSM.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that if someone had just "tried" something once or twice, or even for that matter for a couple of weeks, that they are necessary labeled. However, if you are doing a certain activity with regularity (for example, sucking dicks) then you are that (bi-sexual). Yes the human sexuality is fluid. And there are many people that change through out your life. But that doesn't mean you can't say a person is bi-sexual or gay, or in the BDSM lifestyle at this point in time. For example, if you have been having lesbian sex with the female that lives next door to you for the past 3 months... I'm sorry but you are at least bi-sexual. Now, you can go 10 years without ever having sex with a woman again, and if you have no urges for sex with women, then it's fair to say that at that point in time you are a straight woman. Just the way I picture it.


Maybe spanking is not a good example. But it still doesn't matter. You have your opinion about it. I'm not saying you are doing BDSM sex.... just saying you have incorporated aspects of BDSM sexuality into your own sexuality.

And true, BDSM doesn't hold sway over all kinks. And I'm not saying you can't incorporate multiple kinks and lifestyles into your sexuality. I think most people do.

 

[lavender]

Re: Re: Is "Dom" another word for "Asshole"?

*snip*
Both you and lav have loudly denounced others on this board for judging someone based on their sexuality. I guess it's wrong if someone's gay, but if they enjoy bondage more than "your" limits, then they must be an asshole.
*snip*

I never ever said anything about the topic of this thread. In fact, all of my posts were completely unrelated to the title of this thread.

So, please do not include my name in that.

 

[sunstruck]

He just saw this thread, and he said don't judge every dom by the actions of a few douchebags.

I remember domcop. He seemed nice. I'm not judging. lol The thread title was just to grab attention, though I do mean it when I say those I've encountered have been assholes.

I didn't know PBW was a dom and I don't think he's an asshole, same thing with Jim. I'd never have known had I not asked.

As for going to the BDSM board, well I don't know anyone there so having some person I don't know anything about tell me they aren't an asshole isn't really going to give me any information.

Unbunch your panties Zip. I thought you were an asshole LONG before tonight, but I didn't know you were into BDSM.

 

[sunstruck]

Re: Re: Re: Is "Dom" another word for "Asshole"?

I never ever said anything about the topic of this thread. In fact, all of my posts were completely unrelated to the title of this thread.

So, please do not include my name in that.

She's totally right.

It's a good thing so many other people posted thoughtfully and without anger (obviously my thread title was seen with humor by rational people) or Zip would have left me with no answer but "Yes".

 

[P. B. Walker]

Damn, no Domme in my title then.

I'll just stick with Happily Married Woman With Exciting Sex Life. Definitely more me.

Sorry, no titles for you.

However, if you were to ever participate in a survey regarding BDSM sexuality, you had darn well better at least own up to the fact that you have tried a few things. DAMMIT. LOL.