Is D/s, BDSM and S&M just "cyber" to you?

[TiberiusPrime]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

 

[DarkSteven]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

In my opinion (for what it's worth), these ads are from people who either:

1. want to experience D/s without the perceived "danger" of it,
2. don't have the tiime for a true relationship, possibly because they are involved with someone else in the "real" world, or
3. are able to "be" someone in cyber that they are not in reality (age, gender, body type).

Sad, yes, but if it works for them...

 

[Auraka6669]

No.

I'm relatively new to BDSM, but this isn't just cyber to me. It's most of what I know... but it's only because of the nature of the beast for me. I have precious little time and most of the people I've gotten to know have been from farther away then I'd care for. But for the most part, by that same token, they weren't one nighters or anything. ATM I am looking into something a bit more local. Nothing is etched in stone, but this is more than just a computer thing for me.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

not everyone is 'online' BDSM because they just want it as 'cyber' Master and i have been in a long distance relationship (online) for 3 years, our vows, our love, our devotion to this lifestyle is REAL, it just didn't happen that we could be close to one another. some people just want an online relationship to fill some gap in their life. it's all in the people involved. but i can only speak for Master and myself and the only reason we've been LDR this long is because there were alot of circumstances that would not allow us to be together 'real time' i'm not going to go into those, but most of them, were out of our control.

 

[Bandit58]

From a time both before and after I left my husband I did quite a bit of cyber (in a vanilla sense), but it quickly lost its allure after a while. I was exploring things I was not ready for in r/l, but once I got the courage to move out there and try things I had no need for it.

When Master and I were getting to know each other online, we only did a little bit on the phone for me to get a "feel" for being dominated and controlled. The rest of the time was spent developing our relationship and getting to know each other. I was totally new to the BDSM lifestyle. Master Gil is "hands on" in His domination and would much rather be in a r/l relationship

As a tool for meeting people and developing relationships, the internet is great. However I cannot understand the appeal of a totally online relationship, where the participants have no intention of meeting or taking things further. IMO it then turns into an elaborate online roleplay fantasy.

 

[esclave_PP]

When Master and I were getting to know each other online, we only did a little bit on the phone for me to get a "feel" for being dominated and controlled. The rest of the time was spent developing our relationship and getting to know each other. I was totally new to the BDSM lifestyle. Master Gil is "hands on" in His domination and would much rather be in a r/l relationship

As a tool for meeting people and developing relationships, the internet is great. However I cannot understand the appeal of a totally online relationship, where the participants have no intention of meeting or taking things further. IMO it then turns into an elaborate online roleplay fantasy.

Excellent point Bandit and OMG a very hearty belated congratulations on your marriage to your Master! I haven't been around a whole heck of a lot lately. Master and I are thinking May for the formal collaring If anyone wants to come to sunny Florida, lemme know in private message so I can add ya to the invite list. Would love to have fellow litties there.

Okay as for online vs. realtime. This is a tough issue for me. Like you, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I can understand it, especially if people meet from a great distance.

When Master and I started, he lived about four hours from me. We saw each other as much as we could in person, and when we weren't together, we spoke on the phone, via yahoo (well actually ICQ blech) and even regular (*gasp*) letters.

However as the relationship deepened, I found that the "online" component simply wasn't enough. All of my previous M/s relationships have always been in person, so for me, it was like taking a step backwards.

Eventually we made the changes in our lives necessary to be with each other on a daily basis, and eventually Master moved in and now we're engaged after a couple of years.

I think that if the two people are truly dedicated to BDSM, want to make it work, and are always truthful with one another it *could* work, but a huge component of the physical EPE relationship (erotic power exchange) would be missing. Eventually I would think it wouldn't be enough. There are only so many times a submissive can spank themselves. It just isn't the same.

Well that's my thought on it anyway.

 

[nowgirl]

being new to D/s, starting on-line was a safe way to start. i did place an ad in alt.com and met someone local but it was just too overwhelming... i was fortunate that he was very understanding and we've stayed friends.

without a partner to introduce you to the lifestyle... without heading to a munch all by your lonesome... without friends involved in D/s... how does one start? i decided to explore these "crazy" subbie desires i've had for 20+ years and used the 'net simply as a way to get more information.

i met a Dom in another forum and it was quite by accident that we started chatting. he wasn't interested in having an online relationship because he felt the same way... but we really clicked and quite possibly i was his subbie social expiriment?? could he bring out the submissive lurking inside me? he took me by the hand and started me on the journey. it has led to r/l meetings - nothing more than a "quarterly" encounter but it does feed the fix.

starting this way - kinda slow, more mental than physical - has helped me realize i do want a D/s r/l relationship. and now i feel more confident to pursue other avenues.

i guess my point is that for newbies like me, online felt like a good way to dip a toe in to the D/s world. i imagine it would be difficult to sustain what i'd perceive as a "real" D/s relationship being only cyber...

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Well I stumbled onto this part of lit quite by accident so that is how I got started into the lifestyle. It was here that I also found my local group I belong to and it took a bit of courage and prodding from one of the ladies here on lit to get me out into the kinky community.

Now that I have done the RL play and have a Daddy relationship I couldn't go back to just an online thing. I do have someone that I talk to from here on the phone. This is all she will allow me to have and all she wants atm and because it fills a need in me I am ok with it. Though if I had the choice I would take alot more of her and her time...

 

[amadaun]

Well, I, too am of the "real-life is awesome purely online is silly" camp, but I can definitely see where an online relationship might be fulfilling to some. As people have said, online is a good place to start getting comfortable acknowledging your own needs and desires before heading out into big scary RL never having said "I'm a sub" (or insert your own label here). Also, perhaps, if you're married or otherwise with a vanilla partner you don't want to leave who would be comfortable letting you explore your D/s-y feelings with an online partner... I can see where the online thing would be beneficial, yeah.

 

[Kailey_86]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

i feel the same way. The person on the other end doesn't really matter in cybersex. It's the responses to what you write that matter. To me, cyber is just like playing a game with a smart computer. It's too impersonal.

 

[FurryFury]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

I don't see BDSM as cyber only. I rarely cyber any more. However being in a committed relationship with a kinky but not particularly BDSM oriented partner, I really can't get much BDSM.

Online provides one avenue, as do play parties, demos and that sort of thing but I'm pretty self limited. I am happy in my relationship save that I'd like more BDSM in it. Since I'd rather not pressure and I'd rather he be happy, I take what I can get, with his blessing.

Therefore my online Dom, and online BDSM, is integral to my life. Through him I have hope, and look forward. Without him I'm certain I would be depressed. Could I live without online, yes. Could I live without him, yes. I just wouldn't chose to do so were I given a choice.

If I were ever single, knowing what I avidly want and yes, even feel I need, I would make sure my new partner was much more into BDSM. Though that is so, I do not wish to be single or out of the relationships I'm in now.

Meeting people in social groups who do BDSM in RL is a wonderful thing. It makes me feel this much closer as does online and the kinky BDSM type things my husband I sometimes (far too seldom) do.

Fury

 

[spoiledchrissy7]

As someone who is TOTALLY new to all of this.... the thought of meeting is overwhelming. Also just starting you hear those voices in your head that says beware of strangers, dont trust anyone. Less and less you hear this one but it used to be dont ever meet anyone from online. So to start having these feeling of wanting to please someone... to start having these desires for pain to be a part of sex it goes against every "safety" voice in my head. The more I learn about these feeling inside of me the more I desire to meet and expierence this in real time but for now I have to work towards the feeling of being safe and building the trust to meet someone.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

As someone who is TOTALLY new to all of this.... the thought of meeting is overwhelming. Also just starting you hear those voices in your head that says beware of strangers, dont trust anyone. Less and less you hear this one but it used to be dont ever meet anyone from online. So to start having these feeling of wanting to please someone... to start having these desires for pain to be a part of sex it goes against every "safety" voice in my head. The more I learn about these feeling inside of me the more I desire to meet and expierence this in real time but for now I have to work towards the feeling of being safe and building the trust to meet someone.

When you do make that leap to real life and you want to make sure your safety is utmost in mind. Make sure you ever your with agrees to this and then set up a safe call or if your just doing a scene ask if someone can come along, hopefully you have some friends that are ok with your choices.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.
...

Cyber can fill an emotional need, if not a physical one. An emotional or spiritual connection does not necessarily require a physical one. Look at the number of LDR's and romances that were kindled through letter writing through the ages. Cyber works on the same principals, it's just faster.

Personally, I went real-time as quickly as possible once I discovered the BDSM world. But for those who can't be real-time for whatever reason, if they can have some of their needs met through an OL relationship, who am I to dis that?

 

[marieR19]

My last relationship started out online, as did the one before that, and in both cases it was more then three months before we met face to face. But those were very real relationships, and I do not want "online only" relationships... Although sometimes the long-distance issue makes it online only for awhile.

Also, I live in a town where there are very, very few (if any) female Doms, at least I haven't been able to find any... So having a RL D/s relationship isn't possible simply because of that.


Heather

 

[RonClarkeson]

I we did not do it how could we write it!

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

Every word I write is from RL experinces!

 

[RonClarkeson]

Imagin This!

You are naked, strung up and 100 naked young women are watching and waiting for what happens next!

Shame you live so far away!

 

[nowgirl]

Cyber can fill an emotional need, if not a physical one. An emotional or spiritual connection does not necessarily require a physical one. Look at the number of LDR's and romances that were kindled through letter writing through the ages. Cyber works on the same principals, it's just faster.

Personally, I went real-time as quickly as possible once I discovered the BDSM world. But for those who can't be real-time for whatever reason, if they can have some of their needs met through an OL relationship, who am I to dis that?

thanks for saying that.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

You are naked, strung up and 100 naked young women are watching and waiting for what happens next!

Shame you live so far away!

wonders what the point of this post is all about??

 

[A Desert Rose]

In going through these message boards, I see a lot of requests for cyber only "relationships". Having been in various D/s relationships over the past 25 or so years, I just don't understand it.

Yes, there's a certain allure to talking with someone online, but personally speaking I need the reality of it. Cyber only doesn't do much for Me, other than in getting to know someone better. Also, for Me at least, I need to be able to look into a submissive's eyes and see her passion to serve. That's something that just cannot be done online.

D/s is a very serious thing for Me. Yes, I love to play and have fun, but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience. And seeing people who just want to perform on cam or do it via instant messaging makes no sense to Me.

My only question to you is: Why does it matter to you? I mean seriously, if online relationships aren't part of your life, then it shouldn't matter to you if they are part of someone elses'. Correct?

And as you say, you've been in this lifestyle for 25 years so obviously you know what you like and how you like it. If it "makes no sense" to you now, then I'm sure nothing anyone says here will make any more sense to you.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

but the connection between Dominant and submissive is unlike anything that anyone in the vanilla world can hope to experience.

Pretty broad generalization there stud. Care to step back from the abyss before you get nudged?

 

[BedtimeStories77]

Delete.

 

[FurryFury]

Cyber ie: the writing of sex back and forth between two or more people, can be really hot and exciting, at first. I enjoyed being in a constant simmering state of arousal for about a year. My poor husband had a woman that needed and expected sex every single off night that he had. Awww.

When, I'd used all the words, scenarios and descriptions I could think of, researched Power Exchange and wanted to move on to other things well that was pretty much it for cyber. Okay, it was that and the little bitches I cybered with always wanted more of me than they knew per my oft stated rules they could have, then getting depressed, suicidal, painting me as the villain and so on that took the fun out of it. It made me feel like a terrible person to hurt someone, even though I'd been clear where the boundaries were from the get go.

For a while I did a lot of sexual role play on this board too. I even wrote some stories. Then writers block and lack of creativity shut all that down though I do hope to continue with my stories at some point. I know when I'm in a less stress environment I can write much better. I hope to write a book someday BUT...

Online BDSM is NOT always cyber IMO.

Fury

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Care to step back from the abyss before you get nudged?

They ought to make a documentary about that .

 

[the captians wench]

I didn't go looking for an online only relationship, well to be fair I wasn't looking for a relationship period. And I don't consider our relationship online only anyway because we do have intentions on seeing each other in the flesh, it's just not possible right now. I joke some times with friends that I've met the perfect man for me, but he does have one flaw, he's on the other side of the atlantic.

But I don't think that all online relationships are cyber and role playing either. I know a few people who have "real bfs" and "online bfs" and quite honestly I think the only reason they make that distintion is because they feel guilty and feel like they are cheating on their other (and I am talking about these specific people not people in general who use the distintion "online").

I have expereienced some BDSM play out in the real world. I have very good friends who take great care of me and have taught me a lot. But my Love lies over the ocean, so until I can be with him, our play is limited to online and phone. (and if you don't think anyone can really play hard that way then you need to check out my pic thread and ask for the ones that have been deleted)

But to be honest, if I thought that all we were ever going to be is an online couple, I wouldn't be able to stand it. i do need to know that things are progressing, and I do believe that an online relationship has a lot of limits to it.