Irish jokes for St. Paddy's Day

KingOrfeo

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An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"


Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."


Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened.

"What do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone,

"Sure I'm having me tea break," replied Paddy,

"And what do you work at?" asked the policeman.

"Agh shure I deliver bridges!"


Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish wake?

There's one less drunk.


What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.


One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory."

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
 
Top 10 Things Heard at New York City's St. Patricks Day Parade (1987):

10. "Today, my name is Mayor O'Koch."
9. "Allright! Another bagpipe band!"
8. "Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it."
7. "You have the right to remain silent . . . ."
6. "That's not a float -- that's Tip O'Neill."
5. "Awww . . . not on my shoes!"
4. "These foreign cars tip over much easier."
3. "Hey, that guy's not wearing green -- kill him!"
2. "While we're in the neighborhood, let's drop by the Museum of Modern Art."
1. "You'll get your personal effects back downtown, Monsignor."
 
Why do the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish have all the potatoes?

Because the Irish had first pick.
 
Mary decides to scare her husband Paddy sober. When he gets home from the pub, she's wearing a sheet and saying, "Woooo, Paddy! Woooo! Ya better stop drinkin'! Ya better stop drinkin'!"

"Who are you?" asks Paddy.

"Woooo, I'm the Devil, I'm the Devil, wooooo!"

"Shake hands, I'm married to your sister!"
 
An Irishman visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The Irishman asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

"No problem," said the Irishman, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The Irishman chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the Irishman staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"
 
An Irishman goes into the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I've just blown up 40 miles of English railroad!"

"All right, my son. For penance, do the Stations!"
 
An Irishman visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The Irishman asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

"No problem," said the Irishman, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The Irishman chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the Irishman staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

I heard that one before, but it was about a Texan, ranting in a bar about how everything is bigger and better in Texas. (One of these days, Alaska is going to divide, and make Texas the third biggest state. :D)
 
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