introverted

[loveroflove]

how do you love someone if you are extremely introverted? I *go off the map* for a while because I am like this even my own family I get annoyed at for just being there!
much less how do you have a relationship! I like the guy I am with but I just don't see myself with ANYONE! I laugh about never getting married but it is because I am extremely introverted! the only thing that doesn't annoy me is biology and animals! *so saying the crazy cat lady is me!*

 

[CBM514]

The emotion of love and willingness to trust another with that part of you that scares you has little to so with your over total social interactions...the woman who loves me the most and best in my life (my bride) knows me and what I think and want and need better than myself and almost instinctually knows when to give me space and when to pull me in/out of my shell...guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't doubt your ability to love just because you also like being alone at times...

 

[engineer_in_pa]

I don't have any easy instructions for you. I, too, am very introverted. And for everybody out there, introverted is not the same as being shy or bashful. When you are introverted, you need to have a lot of me-time, and that usually means separating yourself from others, especailly after being subjected to setttings involving groups of people (ie., "go off the map"). It is how you quell your thoughts, how you get "energy" back. This is opposed to an Extrovert, who gets their "energy" by being with others (and will nearly shrivel-up when left on their own). When I go to parties, I will hang with a group of people for about 20 minutes, then find a place to be by myself for about 10-15 minutes, then go back to the others a bit refreshed. My long time significant other was an EXTROVERT (I'd use a larger size font, but you know what I mean). Maybe because we were so diametrically opposed that it worked out well for the both of us.

 

[CWatson]

One of the answers is to find someone as introverted as you.

engineer_in_PA has it exactly right. I don't remember the names of the studies that verified this, but the difference between "introversion" and "extroversion" is not about whether you like people, it's about how much sound and fury you want assaulting your brain. People who are happier when their brains are at higher RPM prefer to be surrounded by more sights and sounds: they work with the music on, they leave the television running, things like that. As someone who is more introverted, I prefer quieter, less explosive environments, and would be equipped to not only understand your preferences but share them. It's not hopeless.

I also ask you where your family falls on that scale. I know someone who used to withdraw from social life for about a week every six months--who would go "off the map," as you did. She's quite introverted; her family is not. Even worse, her mother has huge abandonment complexes and cannot stand to be alone for literally five minutes. So she'd take a week and just resign from social duties. (Without telling her first boyfriend. Not that I panicked or anything.)

So don't fret. It may be trickier to find the right person, but that doesn't mean he (or she!) doesn't exist. In fact, you might want to make it habit of striking up conversations with the people who normally keep quiet, since they're more likely to be introverted as well.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Find a therapist... Most of the people that post here are only a couple of IQ points away from being retarded.

 

[flyingsnare]

introverted[/i], you need to have a lot of me-time, and that usually means separating yourself from others, especailly after being subjected to setttings involving groups of people (ie., "go off the map").

A true partner in life for someone introverted will not only understand the need for some me-time engineer_in_pa mentioned, but also be able to share it with you, and you with them.

To love them would need turning it into us-time, both people being in the same bubble you use to go off the map.

Do you sit on the couch with the laptop, or with a book? It's just a matter of being comfortable with them sitting by your side with their own laptop, or reading the same book. Maybe holding hands, or touching feet. Just the feeling of having them near you should be better than being by yourself. Accomplish that with someone who understands and you won't be having doubts.

 

[tonguedancer]

Introversion and social anxiety or the inability to connect emotionally are two different things. Many people are introverted and find love and marriage and stable family lives if that's what you want. As someone above said, introversion doesn't mean that you are afraid of people or relationships or have a rough time relating with someone. It just means that you aren't a "party party" animal and in fact would much rather relate stronly and closely with a few people rather than prance and dance and shout in a room full of dozens of people.

If you are extremely shy to the point where you can't trust or relate to anyone, then perhaps some therapy isn't out of the question. I myself am an introvert but I've had many friends, lovers, and other relationships. I just don't like running out to clubs or large parties with a bunch of strangers just to get drunk and flirt. I'd prefer a bottle of wine and a nice dinner with a few long time friends. That doesn't mean I don't connect strongly with them. I also can enjoy time alone just sitting on the beach, watching the waves and clouds and contemplating life. We're all different and we have to do what works best for each of us.

 

[fire_breeze]

And for everybody out there, introverted is not the same as being shy or bashful.

<snip>

This. Introverted does not mean shy. Many introverts, such as myself, are not very shy. We just are not the life of the party.

how do you love someone if you are extremely introverted? I *go off the map* for a while because I am like this even my own family I get annoyed at for just being there!
much less how do you have a relationship! I like the guy I am with but I just don't see myself with ANYONE! I laugh about never getting married but it is because I am extremely introverted! the only thing that doesn't annoy me is biology and animals! *so saying the crazy cat lady is me!*

You love someone because you do. I think the world over has an indication how much I love my all - and as an introvert, I have no problem loving him. In fact, I'd say that being an introvert makes me that much more intense (hopefully in a non-creepy way but you'll have to ask him). Introverts process emotions internally and introverts need some type of space to process. We talk when we have something to say. We tend to be more observant. We are extremely emotional but we don't necessarily wear our hearts on our sleeves... unless we trust the person completely.

I think the best way to think of introverts as more private and introspective. Look at Sheldon Cooper, shall we? Introvert but he also has deep feelings for Amy Farrah Fowler. And here is an interesting read: 10 myths about Introverts as well as Susan Cain's website (and I suggest you pick up The Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney. It helps to clarify what is an introvert and also gives you tips on dealing with pesky bullies who think that we are all emotionally stunted weirdos.)

Just as an observation, I think you are questioning whether or not you love the person you are with. I could be wrong, but you have to figure that yourself.

Marriage has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert. Marriage is a form of commitment. In fact, some philosophers would say that if you two make the commitment to each other in fullness of your hearts and with complete honesty, that's marriage. The rest is a technicality. Many introverts choose to marry; many extroverts do not. If you do not want to be with your guy, with or without any formal commitment, that's because you do not want to be with your guy with or without any formal commitments, not because you are introvert.

Find a therapist... Most of the people that post here are only a couple of IQ points away from being retarded.

Honey, I think you just proved that you yourself are in desperate need of therapy.

I find the above statement beyond insulting to me and to many of the posters on this board, particular as my IQ points is extremely high (and I know of many Mensa members who post as well).

However, in the spirit of being fair, pot kettle dear.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Of course you're smart, honey. This is the Internet. Where is the next Mensa meeting, by the way?

 

[CBM514]

Of course you're smart, honey. This is the Internet. Where is the next Mensa meeting, by the way?

Well that escalated quickly...and unnecessarily I think...

 

[gagginforit]

Hopefully you'll be able to find someone who understands you need time off from them, and won't take it personally, and who doesn't mind because he has other things in his life. Be honest about everything with him.

You didn't say if you want to change or if you're happy with the way you are. I was very introverted for a long time, but it was more to do with depression than my personality. When the depression went away (somewhat) my true personality came out.

 

[loveroflove]

thank you for all the replies! see I just started to date this one guy and I seem to *burn out* really fast and sadly all he does is cuddle and try to pull me out of my shell and make me talk or he talks a lot...all I want to do is cuddle for a little then go read a book or something the conversation is not very stimulating to me, I am a biology major and I find stimulating conversations to revolve around that!

 

[bill4672]

It may not just be introversion, although it does sound like you need me time, and he will need to learn that about you. But are you also pulling away because you are afraid of intimacy? Are there any things in your past that left you feeling abandoned, afraid to risk yourself fully with someone else?

 

[fire_breeze]

thank you for all the replies! see I just started to date this one guy and I seem to *burn out* really fast and sadly all he does is cuddle and try to pull me out of my shell and make me talk or he talks a lot...all I want to do is cuddle for a little then go read a book or something the conversation is not very stimulating to me, I am a biology major and I find stimulating conversations to revolve around that!

If I may, I really think that this is not necessarily a case of being an introvert too much but rather just being at different places and also having different interests.

I do understand what you mean by burning out too fast, and I've realised that it was more of an interest thing than our respective personalities. I wish I had a better answer but if you do want to talk- and if you're a scientific mind like mine- lay it up logically, my inbox is open

 

[lauren26f]

how do you love someone if you are extremely introverted? I *go off the map* for a while because I am like this even my own family I get annoyed at for just being there!
much less how do you have a relationship! I like the guy I am with but I just don't see myself with ANYONE! I laugh about never getting married but it is because I am extremely introverted! the only thing that doesn't annoy me is biology and animals! *so saying the crazy cat lady is me!*

Introverted just means you like quality relationships vs. quantity as Extroverted people do. Introverted people are still confident about themselves and can approach the right person. Extroverts need more friends, even if many are superficial, because you can't be intimate (not just sex) with 100s of people. Both have confidence in themselves but in differing ways. If you don't find yourself confident about yourself, that has nothing to do with introversion. Like I said, Introverts want quality friends unlike Extroverts want quantities of friends. Introverts will likely also have deeper relationships that Extroverts do because the latter is preoccupied with their friend count than their quality that can't be measured so easy.

Honestly, it may seem women like the Extrovert, but, in reality, they want depth of a relationship only the Introverts can bring.

If you don't ask girls out, you won't get one. If it is attractiveness that stymies your, hell, did you think that many pretty girls rarely get asked out? Truth is many don't get asked out because their beauty intimidates. It's why you see some average guys with gorgeous girls. They were the only ones bold enough to ask them out. And, please, don't look at celebs and think that is how non-celebs are.

 

[stevjohn]

engineer_in_PA has it exactly right. I don't remember the names of the studies that verified this, but the difference between "introversion" and "extroversion" is not about whether you like people, it's about how much sound and fury you want assaulting your brain. People who are happier when their brains are at higher RPM prefer to be surrounded by more sights and sounds: they work with the music on, they leave the television running, things like that. As someone who is more introverted, I prefer quieter, less explosive environments, and would be equipped to not only understand your preferences but share them. It's not hopeless.

I don't think that is necessarily true about people. In my relationship I'm the introvert while my wife is the extrovert. She can't have any distractions on while she is trying to work on things while I would write papers for college while talking with her and also listening to music. I think how well one multitasks is completely unrelated to whether they are an introvert or extrovert.

 

[sunandshadow]

I'm an introvert, but the think to do is look for someone you enjoy being in the same room with, that's the kind of person you need to pursue a relationship with. Like, I play games on my computer while my best friend reads in the same room, and we enjoy the companionship without it being too clingy.

 

[CBM514]

thank you for all the replies! see I just started to date this one guy and I seem to *burn out* really fast and sadly all he does is cuddle and try to pull me out of my shell and make me talk or he talks a lot...all I want to do is cuddle for a little then go read a book or something the conversation is not very stimulating to me, I am a biology major and I find stimulating conversations to revolve around that!

Are you able to ask for what you need in terms of space ( either way)? There is a normal learning curve in relationships and I can help if both parties are expressive and clear about what works for rhem