Introduction to D/s through Erotica

[FungiUg]

Hi all,

Recently I have been chatting to several people who are interested, intrigued and otherwise keen to discover more about BDSM, Dominance and submission in particular.

There's a lot of BDSM related materiel on the web. What to do, what not to do, lifestyle descriptions, safety guides and so on. They're all important resources, but I find they are like reading a text book.

Erotica on the other hand... is fun, a turn on, engages the reader, and at the same time can demonstrate just how well D/s can work. So for those newbies I talk to, I have begun recommending that they come spend some time at the Literotica site and go through the BDSM and Mind Control top-lists. Nothing beats real life experience, but at least this way I feel they will have a better idea of what they are getting into.

Has anyone else run into this method of introduction? Do people have favourite stories that they point people to as an introduction to the topic?

Also, I've wondered whether perhaps it has a down side... people expect all the people they contact to be drop dead gorgeous and look like movie stars, instant multiple orgasms, and so on. Any experience with a downside like this?

Take care, have fun!

FungiUg

 

[Ebonyfire]

Has anyone else run into this method of introduction? Do people have favourite stories that they point people to as an introduction to the topic?

Welcome to the forum, FungiUg.

I personally find that much of the erotica geared toward BDSM and D/s helps perpetuate the stereotypes that plague the lifestyle.

I also find a huge tendency to pander to what I call "fetish sexuality" that many people think is the backbone of D/s and BDSM. Not that it is wrong or incorrect, it is just a simplistic way of handling a complex topic.

The reality of skin to skin is not always as exciting as the "earth moved as she/he fucked my bound and gagged ass" mentality. It is a hell of a lot of work which is not as romantic or exciting is it?

Just my opinion.

Eb

 

[FungiUg]

Welcome to the forum, FungiUg.

I personally find that much of the erotica geared toward BDSM and D/s helps perpetuate the stereotypes that plague the lifestyle.

Thanks for your reply, Eb.

I have to ask, what are the stereotypes that you think are being perpetuated?

I also find a huge tendency to pander to what I call "fetish sexuality" that many people think is the backbone of D/s and BDSM. Not that it is wrong or incorrect, it is just a simplistic way of handling a complex topic.

The reality of skin to skin is not always as exciting as the "earth moved as she/he fucked my bound and gagged ass" mentality. It is a hell of a lot of work which is not as romantic or exciting is it?

I can't argue the danger of finding reality doesn't live up to fantasy. That's also true of "on-line relationships" I think. The real experience is in real life.

Most people do include "fetish sexuality" as part of their concept of D/s and BDSM, I will agree. However, I think no matter how you introduce someone to D/s, they will run into that. Is Erotica any better or worse than (for example) talking to people on-line or meeting people at munches?

I gather you aren't keen on the idea of using Erotica as introductory material. Do you have a preferred way of introducing someone to the topic?

Thanks again!

FungiUg

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Introduction to D/s through Erotica

Thanks for your reply, Eb.

I have to ask, what are the stereotypes that you think are being perpetuated?



We have discussed this in a several threads, but mostly it has to do with externals, the black leather, and latex. 6 inch heels for Dommes (which I never wear), etc. Also that it is all about pain and sado-masochism, that kind of stuff.


Most people do include "fetish sexuality" as part of their concept of D/s and BDSM, I will agree. However, I think no matter how you introduce someone to D/s, they will run into that. Is Erotica any better or worse than (for example) talking to people on-line or meeting people at munches?

Erotica is fiction. Fiction may be based on some type of reality, but authors take liberties with the truth to evoke a feeling. when dealing with a subject that can have legal repercussions, a bit of accuracy is needed.

A munch is not a fictional event. It is simply a social event where like minded individuals can meet. It is only as effective as the group of people who participate in it.


I gather you aren't keen on the idea of using Erotica as introductory material.

I personally believe that erotica is wanking off material, not educational material perse, unless you need instruction on wanking off, lol. Others may feel differently, and that is fine.



Do you have a preferred way of introducing someone to the topic?

My subs are required to read, and study the subject. I give them direction on what to read, and it all depends on where they are at the time.

 

[pierced_boy]

Hello FungiUg

Erotica can certainly spark the interest but to take that to successful participation in a D/s relationship does require the texts you speak of, research and the work that EB points out.

In contrast to what EB says though that work, discovery and development can be very romantic, is powerful and fun. I mean this in the context of two (or maybe more) people making a very special contection.

It is something I have done in the last two years and we have never looked back

H

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Hello FungiUg

Erotica can certainly spark the interest but to take that to successful participation in a D/s relationship does require the texts you speak of, research and the work that EB points out.

In contrast to what EB says though that work, discovery and development can be very romantic, is powerful and fun. I mean this in the context of two (or maybe more) people making a very special contection.

It is something I have done in the last two years and we have never looked back

H

Now Harry, I never said it was not fun. Now the romantic part I do not care about, I admit.

 

[pierced_boy]

Point Taken EB

Indeed why would a "submissive or dominant" be there if was not providing something.

H

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Hello FungiUg

Erotica can certainly spark the interest but to take that to successful participation in a D/s relationship does require the texts you speak of, research and the work that EB points out.
H

Oh, I agree! But in most cases, the people I talk to are not ready to go along to a munch. Many times they are not even sure if they are that interested. And certainly reading the material and doing some study is important, but adding the Erotica rather than just the texts allows them to see some of what people fantasise about.

Munches are really scary to a lot of new people, Dominants as well as submissives. So as a low-key fun introduction, I have found they don't work effectively. Most of the time when people turn up to their first munch, they are nervous, unsure of themselves, and as such they don't participate much.

Also, like any interest group, BDSM people are quite cliquey in real life, so it's very difficult to break into an established group. Some people can do this naturally and easily (and we envy and hate them!) but most can't.

Erotica, on the other hand, can demonstrate a lot of why people are keen on D/s and BDSM. It shows what other people are keen on, and it does so at the readers pace and in privacy. It's hard to get turned on by a serious discussion of D/s and BDSM, even though this too is important to read.

I actually get more out of Erotica than just "wanking material." It can give me ideas that I try out and see how well they work (or not) in real life. It can help me mentally sort out how to set up a session, work on pacing, what to do next, that sort of thing.

And again... it's fun!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Hello FungiUg

Oh, I agree! But in most cases, the people I talk to are not ready to go along to a munch. Many times they are not even sure if they are that interested. And certainly reading the material and doing some study is important, but adding the Erotica rather than just the texts allows them to see some of what people fantasise about.

Munches are really scary to a lot of new people, Dominants as well as submissives. So as a low-key fun introduction, I have found they don't work effectively. Most of the time when people turn up to their first munch, they are nervous, unsure of themselves, and as such they don't participate much.

Also, like any interest group, BDSM people are quite cliquey in real life, so it's very difficult to break into an established group. Some people can do this naturally and easily (and we envy and hate them!) but most can't.

Erotica, on the other hand, can demonstrate a lot of why people are keen on D/s and BDSM. It shows what other people are keen on, and it does so at the readers pace and in privacy. It's hard to get turned on by a serious discussion of D/s and BDSM, even though this too is important to read.

I actually get more out of Erotica than just "wanking material." It can give me ideas that I try out and see how well they work (or not) in real life. It can help me mentally sort out how to set up a session, work on pacing, what to do next, that sort of thing.

And again... it's fun!

To each his or her own, right?

Eb

 

[FungiUg]

No, no, no! Everyone has to do it my way and agree with me!

Yes, to each their own. I guess if I found munches to be a less stressful introduction, then I'd be keener on suggesting people turn up straight away. But... I haven't. Maybe you have a particularly friendly bunch? In which case, I envy you.

I certainly can't agree with using an "on-line relationship" as an introduction. (Not that you were suggesting that, but it would be another avenue.) For me, D/s is a partnership of two or more people, and until someone knows what he or she wants and enjoys, how can they add to a partnership as an equal?

Hence... exploring by themselves first I regard as important. And Erotica is a fun way of doing that.

Generally I meet people in chat rooms, so they are already out there talking to people. If they haven't already read the introductory material, I point it out to them. But most haven't thought of reading Erotica. So it adds a lot of fun and spark to their self exploration phase.

So what do you do when you introduce someone who has never experienced D/s or BDSM at all to the many pleasures that await? How do you get past that scary phase?

 

[Ebonyfire]

I started skin to skin by meeting at munches.

Being a Domme I no longer need munches to meet anyone. I have a network of friends and acquaintances that I deal with. I also have my own submissives, and always have one or more subs in training, and candidates to serve Me.

But for newbies, a munch is one of several ways to network.

No, no, no! Everyone has to do it my way and agree with me!

Yes, to each their own. I guess if I found munches to be a less stressful introduction, then I'd be keener on suggesting people turn up straight away. But... I haven't. Maybe you have a particularly friendly bunch? In which case, I envy you.

I certainly can't agree with using an "on-line relationship" as an introduction. (Not that you were suggesting that, but it would be another avenue.) For me, D/s is a partnership of two or more people, and until someone knows what he or she wants and enjoys, how can they add to a partnership as an equal?

Hence... exploring by themselves first I regard as important. And Erotica is a fun way of doing that.

Generally I meet people in chat rooms, so they are already out there talking to people. If they haven't already read the introductory material, I point it out to them. But most haven't thought of reading Erotica. So it adds a lot of fun and spark to their self exploration phase.

So what do you do when you introduce someone who has never experienced D/s or BDSM at all to the many pleasures that await? How do you get past that scary phase?

 

[lark sparrow]

I think by the time someone is vocalizing an interest in BDSM they probably have a few of their own fantasies. It seems that a healthy dose of 'reality' such as found in more factual sites as well as some 'fantasy' from story sites would be a decent introduction. When going on stories alone one may be completely unaware of safe, sane or consensual, as well as the idea that being a person and getting to know someone comes first. If the interest is strictly erotic fantasy then stories will do, but if they plan on seeking r/l BDSM or entering a D/s relationship I think a "text book" is necessary in finding a common reality with the others they seek as part of the community.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I am thinking of something my mother always told me. "If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is." When I found Literotica, and began reading the stories, that is what I thought, secretly, to myself. This was awhile ago, before any thought of skin to skin.

But ohhh, I wanted it. Not what I was reading. The too good to be true stuff. I wanted the real deal. So I started searching. Found other sites out there, the ones you read about in the library thread. Eventually, I learned this, then that. And a little bit more. Met someone, a skin to skin relationship. It ended. Came back here. Found this forum. I never noticed it the first time around. Funny how things turn out. That was 3 years ago.

The stories still strike me that way. I like the wisdom and reality I find here rather than the romance over there. Thank you all for that. I enjoy being here.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Introduction to D/s through Erotica

Originally posted by lark sparrow
I think by the time someone is vocalizing an interest in BDSM they probably have a few of their own fantasies.

You would think so, wouldn't you? Surprisingly, this isn't always the case. I have had people contact me and ask me "so what's this Dominant thing you mention in your details/profile?" They literally know little to nothing about it. Some of them, when I explain, then go on to wanting to know more.

It seems that a healthy dose of 'reality' such as found in more factual sites as well as some 'fantasy' from story sites would be a decent introduction. When going on stories alone one may be completely unaware of safe, sane or consensual, as well as the idea that being a person and getting to know someone comes first.

Agreed. You do need both, and the emphasis on "safe, sane and consensual" is vital.

If the interest is strictly erotic fantasy then stories will do, but if they plan on seeking r/l BDSM or entering a D/s relationship I think a "text book" is necessary in finding a common reality with the others they seek as part of the community.

But how much is about "commonality" and how much is about individuality? Every relationship (D/s, BDSM, or otherwise) is different. Some times I find the text books are very formulaic. There are some things (just as safety and consensuality) that I don't challenge, but there are a lot of (to me) silly rules that seem to bear little relationship to reality. And yet these are the things that are promulgated by the "texts".

Personally, I encourage new people to use their brains, to take nothing as gospel (although I do like the "safe, sane and consensual" rule), whether they are reading fantasy or non-fiction. What works for others won't necessarily work for them.

 

[Desdemona]

While I agree with all that has been said, there is a place for erotica as an introduction. It may be simplistic, but just seeing similar fantasies to mine in writing helped me to begin accepting my needs. Nothing beats skin to skin reality, but some of us had to start somewhere. Reality is so much more complex.... its hard, its fun, it requires a leap of faith and a willingness to be honest. It far surpasses anything I've ever read.

 

[FungiUg]

Favourites

So if you were to introduce someone to D/s through Literotica, whic stories would you recommend? Would they be different for a submissive or a Dominant? For a man or a woman?

 

[MissTaken]

I think erotica can play a positive role in the introduction to BDSM as long as the reader realizes that fiction is fiction and fantasy is fantasy.

For example, my favorite childhood story was Cinderella. I always dreamed of a prince finding me and taking me to his castle.

There is still a part of me that longs for that, but realistically, I know that I won't wear a glass slipper.

Erotica can help us to identify those things that make us hot, make us wet or hard and wanting something we have never had.

After that, it is up to us to translate it into reality.

 

[FungiUg]

... there is a place for erotica as an introduction. It may be simplistic, but just seeing similar fantasies to mine in writing helped me to begin accepting my needs. Nothing beats skin to skin reality, but some of us had to start somewhere. Reality is so much more complex.... its hard, its fun, it requires a leap of faith and a willingness to be honest. It far surpasses anything I've ever read.

thanks Desdemona. My own feelings exactly. While I enjoy the erotica, the real world is so much more exciting! Fantasy is fun, but reality is better!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I enjoy reading eroticia, but I have never used it as a gauge for this lifestyle.

It is a fun read, but I do not get any ideas from it nor do I find it useful in my reality. Just as I do not get any ideas from reading mysteries, or biograghies, or history books, etc. I read for entertainment purposes.

But that is me.

 

[FungiUg]

Ideas from stories

...It is a fun read, but I do not get any ideas from it nor do I find it useful in my reality. Just as I do not get any ideas from reading mysteries, or biograghies, or history books, etc.

You mean you've not read a whodunnit and thought to yourself "I must remember not to leave my fingerprints on the glass when I next murder someone"?

I'm fairly new to D/s, so perhaps that's why I get ideas? But mostly I get my ideas from writing, rather than reading. Does that make sense?

(Do I have to end every sentence with a question?)

Well, if for no other reason, introducing a newbie to Literotica is worth it just for the fun of reading the stories.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Ideas from stories

You mean you've not read a whodunnit and thought to yourself "I must remember not to leave my fingerprints on the glass when I next murder someone"?

I'm fairly new to D/s, so perhaps that's why I get ideas? But mostly I get my ideas from writing, rather than reading. Does that make sense?

(Do I have to end every sentence with a question?)

Well, if for no other reason, introducing a newbie to Literotica is worth it just for the fun of reading the stories.

Sure it makes sense. People get their muse or ideas from a lot of places. I think I just have a different turn of mind.

Iam a service oriented Domme, and that means I believe in obedience, service and control, rather than a focus on sex and the erotic. Eroticism and sex is a tool that I may or may not use, depending on my mood.

 

[NemoAlia]

I got my start in BDSM through erotica. (Well, it was erotic passages in regular books, but hey, who's counting?) Erotica has a way of sparking an individual mind to further interest that no manual, textbook, or primer can ever provide. I'm right with you, Fungi, on the idea that erotica (especially some of the really good work on literotica) makes a good point of entry for newcomers.

I do see a risk, though: A lot of BDSM-themed erotica is basically nonconsent stories dressed up in the frills of, "Oh! I'm so ashamed that I came! But I did cum, so I must have enjoyed it. From now on, I am going to be a submissive, just so I can have orgasms like that one. And I will live happily ever after. The end." It's my opinion that stories like that give a rather warped picture of BDSM.

Perhaps, for introduction's sake, you might pick out a few personal favorites and suggest them as starting points, before sending the uninitiated out to navigate the uncharted literotica waters.

 

[pierced_boy]

Indeed NemoAlia

If for example somebody was introduced through
this

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28371

By shaegirl they would develop a distorted view.

Now don't get me wrong I liked this piece of work and told r so but it is far from most folks RL experence.

H

 

[FungiUg]

...Perhaps, for introduction's sake, you might pick out a few personal favorites and suggest them as starting points, before sending the uninitiated out to navigate the uncharted literotica waters.

Yes, precisely. Which is why I asked do people have favorites that they would recommend as good starters? What stories would you start a newbie on? Would the differ depending on gender or role?

 

[Shadowsdream]

Yes, precisely. Which is why I asked do people have favorites that they would recommend as good starters? What stories would you start a newbie on? Would the differ depending on gender or role?

I write erotica based on reality..when My site is up it is full of such erotica...BUT..even though it is based on reality as I live it, it is not the portion of My site I would send any Dom/me or sub hopeful to if they were looking for information.
If I were to send them to any information it would be Castlerealm..two particular sections..
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/domlook.shtml
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/submanual.shtml

There is no doubt in My mind that many in the lifestyle today got their first desires through erotica nad have since moved into long term and successful BDSM experiences.