Introduction to BDSM/training a sub

[Gypsybyrd]

Hi

As I mentioned in the New Faces thread I’m new to this area and developed an interest because a couple of friends are into it. I was talking to a Dom friend last night and a question came up …

He is willing to introduce me to spanking and flogging (assuming I don’t back out ). The deal is no emotional attachment, no sex. So, of course, this raised a question in my mind – how does the effect/feeling/desire change, if at all, when there is no attachment versus when there is attachment? What about the idea that a person might not like this lifestyle unless shared with someone to whom he/she is emotionally attached?

Also, has anybody trained or been trained when there was no emotional bond, beyond maybe friendship, between Dom and sub? If so, would you share how it worked out?

I got, and value, His opinion on this topic but am curious about other points of view … anyone want to voice their opinion?

Thank you for any and all opinions
~gypsybyrd

 

[shy slave]

When I discovered BDSM I was very very green about all of it.

I started talking to a Dom locally and he offered to help me.
Basically he would try lots of different things and I would be able to discover what I liked, loved, hated as a base line to work from.
There was no emotional attachment at all.
We had two sessions together, they were so positive and I learnt so much.

Oddly, not having an emotional attachment helped. I could be honest without feeling I would upset our relationship. The two scenes were the sum total of our relationship.

I was terrified, but he was great. Calm and in control. He even managed to make me laugh a couple of times.

A relationship with him would never have worked. He came from a lifestyle I had no desire to be a part of and I had responsibilities that he did not want to be involved with.

I hear about him through friends and get the odd text message now and then.

But I am forever grateful that he gave me such a unique opportunity of learning about myself without the encumbrance of emotional attachment.

There is a postscript to this: I have a sister whom I rarely speak to. It turns out she also knew him but in different circumstances. She thought he and I would be a good match. She had wanted to introduce us but the opportunity never arose due to house moves. When I told my mother that the same man whom my sister held in such high esteem had tied me to his dining table used a crop on me and then fucked me she almost fainted with shock.
My sister is very straight, I can't imagine she believes he was really a sadist.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I am sure that it has happened, and you will likley have a special bond of friendship a a Mentor/mentee....

BEst of luck on your explorations

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Hi

As I mentioned in the New Faces thread I’m new to this area and developed an interest because a couple of friends are into it. I was talking to a Dom friend last night and a question came up …

He is willing to introduce me to spanking and flogging (assuming I don’t back out ). The deal is no emotional attachment, no sex. So, of course, this raised a question in my mind – how does the effect/feeling/desire change, if at all, when there is no attachment versus when there is attachment? What about the idea that a person might not like this lifestyle unless shared with someone to whom he/she is emotionally attached?

Also, has anybody trained or been trained when there was no emotional bond, beyond maybe friendship, between Dom and sub? If so, would you share how it worked out?

I got, and value, His opinion on this topic but am curious about other points of view … anyone want to voice their opinion?

Thank you for any and all opinions
~gypsybyrd

Master started out as a 'no strings attached, no emotional feelings, only friends' Dom Mentor to me, yea, that didn't work out too well as the feelings grew and we became what we are now, so i'm afraid i'm of no help. for me, and i had this same fear back then, i don't think i could submit fully to someone who i do not have alot of feelings for, and i think that over time, those feelings would develop anyway, as they did for Him and i, but i've also seen other 'couple's do it with no problems, i'm sure someone else can help you out alot more with this than i can....good luck to you!

 

[Ksb]

I couldn't imagine it without the emotion. Even after the most mundane sexual things I feel like I need a hug. Maybe i'm overly emotional or something, but it just wouldn't feel at all right being flogged etc by someone who I didn't love and trust.

I've never had it any other way, but I have absolutly no desire to. To me, it's kinda akin to foreplay... and I wouldn't want a random guy I didn't love to go down on me, same as I wouldn't want them to flog me.

My 1p. Feel free to convert them into 2c.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

When I discovered BDSM I was very very green about all of it.

I started talking to a Dom locally and he offered to help me.
Basically he would try lots of different things and I would be able to discover what I liked, loved, hated as a base line to work from.
There was no emotional attachment at all.
We had two sessions together, they were so positive and I learnt so much.

Oddly, not having an emotional attachment helped. I could be honest without feeling I would upset our relationship. The two scenes were the sum total of our relationship.

I was terrified, but he was great. Calm and in control. He even managed to make me laugh a couple of times.

A relationship with him would never have worked. He came from a lifestyle I had no desire to be a part of and I had responsibilities that he did not want to be involved with.

I hear about him through friends and get the odd text message now and then.

But I am forever grateful that he gave me such a unique opportunity of learning about myself without the encumbrance of emotional attachment.

There is a postscript to this: I have a sister whom I rarely speak to. It turns out she also knew him but in different circumstances. She thought he and I would be a good match. She had wanted to introduce us but the opportunity never arose due to house moves. When I told my mother that the same man whom my sister held in such high esteem had tied me to his dining table used a crop on me and then fucked me she almost fainted with shock.
My sister is very straight, I can't imagine she believes he was really a sadist.

An opportunity to learn about yourself without emotional attachment and all that entails ... an interesting way to approach it.

That way you can evaluate everything with a clear head and not believe yourself to be enjoying it just because of the emotional attachment.

Thank you for sharing shy.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

I am sure that it has happened, and you will likley have a special bond of friendship a a Mentor/mentee....

BEst of luck on your explorations

Thank you ...

I'd think there would have to be friendship involved ... otherwise what is the trust built upon? I suppose there could be trust between people who are not friends, although I'm having trouble imagining such a scenario.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Thank you ...

I'd think there would have to be friendship involved ... otherwise what is the trust built upon? I suppose there could be trust between people who are not friends, although I'm having trouble imagining such a scenario.

I would agree, that the trust must be there. If there is no trust, there is nothing.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Master started out as a 'no strings attached, no emotional feelings, only friends' Dom Mentor to me, yea, that didn't work out too well as the feelings grew and we became what we are now, so i'm afraid i'm of no help. for me, and i had this same fear back then, i don't think i could submit fully to someone who i do not have alot of feelings for, and i think that over time, those feelings would develop anyway, as they did for Him and i, but i've also seen other 'couple's do it with no problems, i'm sure someone else can help you out alot more with this than i can....good luck to you!

Of course you're a help ... you've provided an example of a possible outcome for a 'no strings attached, no emotional feelings, only friends' situation. This is what I was hoping for when I started this thread.

I seriously doubt I could fully submit to someone I didn't love or who did not love me in return either. However, I do trust this Friend ... or I'd not be considering spreading my wings with Him. And you are correct ... over time feelings could develop - although I'm rather determined that will NOT happen in this situation.

Of course there are different kinds of love - I'm a believer that friends can love each other without there being a sexual side (the old 'When Harry Met Sally' argument) or a desire to spend the rest of life together.

This will be an interesting stretching of my wings ...

Thank you rose!

 

[Gypsybyrd]

I couldn't imagine it without the emotion. Even after the most mundane sexual things I feel like I need a hug. Maybe i'm overly emotional or something, but it just wouldn't feel at all right being flogged etc by someone who I didn't love and trust.

I've never had it any other way, but I have absolutly no desire to. To me, it's kinda akin to foreplay... and I wouldn't want a random guy I didn't love to go down on me, same as I wouldn't want them to flog me.

My 1p. Feel free to convert them into 2c.

I understand your view ... appreciate it too. In a perfect world I'd love to be in love with man and be able to explore this with him ...

It took a LOT of reading for me to wrap my brain around the idea of flogging/spanking as not being a prelude to sex. But once I did ... it actually makes sense as a way to proceed ... so long as the trust is there.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Of course you're a help ... you've provided an example of a possible outcome for a 'no strings attached, no emotional feelings, only friends' situation. This is what I was hoping for when I started this thread.

I seriously doubt I could fully submit to someone I didn't love or who did not love me in return either. However, I do trust this Friend ... or I'd not be considering spreading my wings with Him. And you are correct ... over time feelings could develop - although I'm rather determined that will NOT happen in this situation.

Of course there are different kinds of love - I'm a believer that friends can love each other without there being a sexual side (the old 'When Harry Met Sally' argument) or a desire to spend the rest of life together.

This will be an interesting stretching of my wings ...

Thank you rose!

you are very welcome and i'm glad my post was of some help to you after all, and i hope it all works out the way you wish it to......

 

[shy slave]

I understand your view ... appreciate it too. In a perfect world I'd love to be in love with man and be able to explore this with him ...

It took a LOT of reading for me to wrap my brain around the idea of flogging/spanking as not being a prelude to sex. But once I did ... it actually makes sense as a way to proceed ... so long as the trust is there.

Perhaps I should add that all the bondage, flogging, cock worship etc etc did not lead to sex.

We tried anal (because I hadn't ever managed it before) and it did not work well at all. That was the closest we came to penetration.

He did hug me at the end of both sessions, made me a cup a of tea and gave me the choice of where to sit to drink it. I chose the floor, I didn't want to end up snuggled against him. I was perfectly content in the glow and amazement of it all.

I am was quite shy when I started out, it was easier to do this with someone I may never see again. That way if I made a complete idiot of myself I could file the whole thing under 'Stupid Cow.'

I was the same prior to meeting Andante, on the phone I told him things I thought about which were intensely private. That was based on the idea that if it all went horribly wrong he would disappear back to another country and I would never have to face him again.

I am such a coward sometimes

Gypsy please let us know what you decide to do about your situation. Even if it takes weeks to decide.

 

[SweetErika]

how does the effect/feeling/desire change, if at all, when there is no attachment versus when there is attachment? What about the idea that a person might not like this lifestyle unless shared with someone to whom he/she is emotionally attached?

I could very well beat (generic term) someone without emotional attachment, but the idea isn't so appealing to me. I love the bonding and extreme emotion my husband and I share, especially in the afterglow. It may even be the biggest motivator at this point for me, and I know I'd miss it dearly with someone I wasn't attached to. I've had lots of offers to play with people from the club, but it doesn't hold the same appeal because we're not close.

I think my husband fits your second question fairly well. Though he's submissive by nature, he's really not interested in trying to submit to, or do S&M with, anyone but me, and that's because of our attachment. He's willing to have a co-top for learning purposes, but only under fairly strict guidelines, including me being there and in charge at all times and no overtly sexual touching of him (yet he'd have vanilla sex with other women, so it's not the 'other' that's problematic). At this point, I honestly don't think he'd be into the lifestyle with anyone he's not very attached to - submitting to me because I'm his wife, we share so much love and trust, and he wants to make me specifically happy, is huge for him.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Perhaps I should add that all the bondage, flogging, cock worship etc etc did not lead to sex.

We tried anal (because I hadn't ever managed it before) and it did not work well at all. That was the closest we came to penetration.

He did hug me at the end of both sessions, made me a cup a of tea and gave me the choice of where to sit to drink it. I chose the floor, I didn't want to end up snuggled against him. I was perfectly content in the glow and amazement of it all.

I am was quite shy when I started out, it was easier to do this with someone I may never see again. That way if I made a complete idiot of myself I could file the whole thing under 'Stupid Cow.'

I was the same prior to meeting Andante, on the phone I told him things I thought about which were intensely private. That was based on the idea that if it all went horribly wrong he would disappear back to another country and I would never have to face him again.

I am such a coward sometimes

Gypsy please let us know what you decide to do about your situation. Even if it takes weeks to decide.

I'm familiar with the idiot/stupid cow file ... lol.

Oh I've already decided to have some fun and explore with Him. The only reason I consider changing my mind is stress - I have a LOT going on in my life right now, nearly all of it will be resolved by the time I meet Him. The stress causes mood swings and prompts me to want to deny myself something I want. And I do want to do this.

But it'll be weeks before we meet ... and He is really good about making sure i know i can change my mind ...

Thanks shy!

 

[Gypsybyrd]

I could very well beat (generic term) someone without emotional attachment, but the idea isn't so appealing to me. I love the bonding and extreme emotion my husband and I share, especially in the afterglow. It may even be the biggest motivator at this point for me, and I know I'd miss it dearly with someone I wasn't attached to. I've had lots of offers to play with people from the club, but it doesn't hold the same appeal because we're not close.

I think my husband fits your second question fairly well. Though he's submissive by nature, he's really not interested in trying to submit to, or do S&M with, anyone but me, and that's because of our attachment. He's willing to have a co-top for learning purposes, but only under fairly strict guidelines, including me being there and in charge at all times and no overtly sexual touching of him (yet he'd have vanilla sex with other women, so it's not the 'other' that's problematic). At this point, I honestly don't think he'd be into the lifestyle with anyone he's not very attached to - submitting to me because I'm his wife, we share so much love and trust, and he wants to make me specifically happy, is huge for him.

Thank you Erika ... this is one of the things I was looking for comments on ... I appreciate it.

 

[tenedaveslilslut]

Also, has anybody trained or been trained when there was no emotional bond, beyond maybe friendship, between Dom and sub? If so, would you share how it worked out?

It didn’t work out…before i met my Master, i was “in training” with someone who i had expressed my interest in learning more about being a sub. We agreed that he would train me and it started out fine, but then i found that there was time that i didn’t want to do the things he wanted me to…and i didn’t do them. i believe that this was because there was no emotional bond…there was no love between us. Another time came that i was given an assignment and i was to report back to him, but something in his life changed and he had no time for me anymore. Again…no bond…no love between us.

Then i met my Master…we talked about just this sort of “training” i was having with this “so called” Dom. Master told me to “get out now” which i did. And, asked if it made me feel better, that i could “report” to him on the results of the assignment i had been given by this “other” Dom.

Now, when Master requires something of me, even when i really don’t want to do it, i do it because i do love him and we do share a bond but mostly because i love Him….with all my heart. Besides, i usually find that after i've done whatever was asked of me (even if i didn’t want to do it) i feel good about having done it and was glad that he gave it to me to do in the first place. i hope that makes sense

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Much depends on your defination of "work out" as well. If you want it to blossom into a relationship & it doesn't, then it obviously didn't work out.

Of course if the idea is to larn something to begin a journey into submission, then as long as you learn, it has worked out.

 

[Gypsybyrd]

It didn’t work out…before i met my Master, i was “in training” with someone who i had expressed my interest in learning more about being a sub. We agreed that he would train me and it started out fine, but then i found that there was time that i didn’t want to do the things he wanted me to…and i didn’t do them. i believe that this was because there was no emotional bond…there was no love between us. Another time came that i was given an assignment and i was to report back to him, but something in his life changed and he had no time for me anymore. Again…no bond…no love between us.

Then i met my Master…we talked about just this sort of “training” i was having with this “so called” Dom. Master told me to “get out now” which i did. And, asked if it made me feel better, that i could “report” to him on the results of the assignment i had been given by this “other” Dom.

Now, when Master requires something of me, even when i really don’t want to do it, i do it because i do love him and we do share a bond but mostly because i love Him….with all my heart. Besides, i usually find that after i've done whatever was asked of me (even if i didn’t want to do it) i feel good about having done it and was glad that he gave it to me to do in the first place. i hope that makes sense

Thank you ... yes the last part makes sense. I've done that myself - done something I didn't really want to but knew he'd be happy if I did and (as I knew I would) ended up enjoying myself - but not in a BDSM context - and let me tell you ... it PISSED the guy off if he figured it out.

I can see where there would need to be *some* sort of bond for one person to submit to another. And a stronger bond to complete submit. Heck, I have another friend who is a Dom and I would *never* dream of submitting to him - even a little. I even tease him when he says stuff to me in his Dom-like way - and generally do the complete opposite of whatever he said. Nor would I let him spank or flog or *anything* me. But then - he knows it too.

Posts like yours, tenedaves_pet help clarify questions I have - or rather clarify areas that may or may not be clear in my own mind and point our areas where I need more info. You've given me stuff to think about ...

Given that the goal is to figure out if I enjoy the physical side of this lifestyle ... I'm not sure a bond is necessary - beyond trust and friendship. But I guess we'll find out ...

Thank you for taking time to post tenedaves_pet!

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Much depends on your defination of "work out" as well. If you want it to blossom into a relationship & it doesn't, then it obviously didn't work out.

Of course if the idea is to larn something to begin a journey into submission, then as long as you learn, it has worked out.

Very wise of you MasterPhoenix.

Safe travels this week to you ... and rose (when I was a trucker I drove that drive she's going to make to pick you up at the airport - it can be a heck of a drive).

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Very wise of you MasterPhoenix.

Safe travels this week to you ... and rose (when I was a trucker I drove that drive she's going to make to pick you up at the airport - it can be a heck of a drive).

*smiles* thank you! i'm taking a friend with me again so i'm not alone on the drive, i hate driving that far without someone in the car to talk to, plus i need someone to talk to cause i'm gonna be a wreck again LOL

 

[Gypsybyrd]

*smiles* thank you! i'm taking a friend with me again so i'm not alone on the drive, i hate driving that far without someone in the car to talk to, plus i need someone to talk to cause i'm gonna be a wreck again LOL

you're welcome!

 

[tenedaveslilslut]

Thank you for taking time to post tenedaves_pet!

You are very welcome Gypsybyrd, i am very glad that i could be of some assistance to you, and have given you something to think about. Just make sure that if you are looking for someone to be your Dom, be careful who you choose and make sure he is the right one for you. Be careful.

 

[Inconsequential]

Hi

As I mentioned in the New Faces thread I’m new to this area and developed an interest because a couple of friends are into it. I was talking to a Dom friend last night and a question came up …

He is willing to introduce me to spanking and flogging (assuming I don’t back out ). The deal is no emotional attachment, no sex. So, of course, this raised a question in my mind – how does the effect/feeling/desire change, if at all, when there is no attachment versus when there is attachment? What about the idea that a person might not like this lifestyle unless shared with someone to whom he/she is emotionally attached?

Also, has anybody trained or been trained when there was no emotional bond, beyond maybe friendship, between Dom and sub? If so, would you share how it worked out?

I have been in lots of situations where there wasn't an emotional attachment to the Dom/me that was present or working on me. But at the same time in that environment I was in a school that was for training and I was getting trained as well as they were, so there wasn't a lot of emotional attachment to alot of things there. I did develop deep friendships with several of the Dom/mes and many of the slaves there, and I do keep up on several of those friendships even now a decade later.
I can say I prefer an emotional attachment for the trust issue. But there is a certain confidence in knowing that you have the strength to face these excitements on your own.

 

[Kailey_86]

i met someone locally who offered to show me a few things about Shibari and flogging. He said the same thing, no emotional attachment. i consented and W/we went through with it. He wanted to continue doing one day a week. i was fine the first time W/we did it. The next week W/we did it again and i went home feeling badly. i decided that playing without attachement or commitment isn't for me. i feel dirty...and not in a good way. It might be different for You though.

 

[tenedaveslilslut]

Hi
Also, has anybody trained or been trained when there was no emotional bond, beyond maybe friendship, between Dom and sub? If so, would you share how it worked out?

Thank you for any and all opinions
~gypsybyrd

i tried it online training twice and it didn't work out. In both cases, it started out fine, but as time progressed in the first case, i would find that i didn't want to do the things he wanted me to do...i wouldn't complete some of the assignments. And in the second case we became friends and i enjoyed the little training i had, but he began having issues and would ignore me. The last straw was when i was given an assignment to complete i was to report to him but after 5-6 weeks had gone by, he still wouldn't take my phone call so that i could report to him on it...he said that he couldn't do it anymore because he had a major change in his life and didn't know if we would be able to continue...it was at this time that i met my Master...i was afraid to try the online Dom/sub relationship again. But when we started Master asked me if it would make me feel better, i could "report on my assignment" to Him...And here i am...5 months later and i am in love with my Master. i have come a long way with him but have such a longer way to go. In the first two online relationships...there was no love or emotional bond between us...With my Master now...we love each other very much and i would do almost anything for him now...yes there are still plenty of limits i have, but we will meet and explore and expand them someday.

Soo...if you ask me...i don't think a D/s relationship can work without some sort of emotional bond between the two parties involved. JMHO