Intimidation....

[intrigued]

I've been reading some of my mail at a personals site, and I found myself following a life long habit again. Sometimes I read a letter from someone that is very wealthy, or successful, or extremely well educated, and I just close the letter out, never responding. I've been thinking about why I am this way...I am not extremely well educated in an academic sense, I have little in a financial sense, but I am intelligent in other ways, and I am a good person with a good heart. But I never did anything more exciting or compelling with my life other than having my 2 children. When I look at my life, compared to others, I feel like sinking further into the background, and staying there.

I realize that often when people get to know me, all these things matter not, but its getting harder and harder for me to even get to that point...I feel too damn intimidated to even try.
Do you remember what happened to Julia Roberts in both "Pretty Woman" and "Erin Brokavich"? That is "me"....a ton of wealth inside...nothing at all visible in what surrounds me, what seems to say "this is Connie, this is what I did with my life". I struggle too much with feeling I will be judged and that insults me in a strange way, because I am of the mind that really, social standing shouldn't matter, but I know it does. It matters so much so that I simply withdraw.

Are you this way? What intimidates you, and how do you handle it?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm intimidated by REALLY goodlooking people. Like really thin girls with big boobs. I feel inadequate next to them. And I'm intimidated by the kind of square-haircut, streaked hair, coral necklace, wife-beater shirt and boogie shorts, muscle-bound guys that most girls my age tend to like. I feel invisible to them. and yet, I'm not invisible. I suppose I'd RATHER be invisible. Then they couldn't be mean.

Other than that, though, I don't give a flying fuck.

 

[Guest]

Intrigued, you post reminds me of how I have handled much of my life.
I must say, what intimidates me, has changed. I am severely intimidated by someone that can get under my skin. If there's a chance of vulnerability, I freak. It's a constant internal battle.
I am intimidated by women. A beautiful, self confident, seemingly together woman causes a hidden shudder. It's my issue though. I strive to better my coping mechanisms.

 

[PepperminTrish]

Oh Hon, I'm the same way!
When someone says "What do you do?"
All I can think to say is that I'm 'just' a Mom. I don't feel that way, I love being a Mom to my 3 boys but I feel as if it won't measure up to whatever it is that the other person does.

I didn't continue my education and I always think that not doing so must somehow diminish me in their eyes.

I could go on but I won't. My point is that you're not the only one that feels that way.

However, you SHOULDN'T see yourself like that!!!
Stop thinking that way ......... it's self-defeating! What if one of those letters turns out to be from the person that one day fulfills the fantasy that you posted in your other thread???

 

[peachykeen]

I have had the good fortune to have known many people from many walks of life and differing backgrounds, so I don't usually get too intimidated. I can hold my own in a group of my husband's friends who are all architects and engineers, and I can be comfortable hanging out with my sister's buddies who are by and large social and economic 'misfits'. Plus traveling has helped me learn to take eveyone at their own.

I do sometimes wonder tho, what am I doing with my life? Why am I not going back to school? Why don't I have any kids yet? Why haven't I written my bestselling novel yet? How come I don't feel like I've accomplished much? But then I just put on some loud music and dance. I'm a pretty damn OK person just the way I am. That "Soak Up the Sun" Sheryl Crow song is doing wonders for me just now.

 

[His_kitty]

What makes me shy away from men the most, is if I feel an instant spark with them. If I think they could be someone terribly special .... I'll do everything to avoid and evade them. It's a defense mechanism of mine .... one of which I'm trying to overcome.

Intelligence, power and wealth have also been very intimdating to me, but now whenever I feel like I'm just a gawky kid around those type of people I think of this .... Their money and college educations do not mean they are necessarily smarter than I and certainly not any better. I have several friends that are considered very wealthy and influential and have high powered careers, I treasure them for what they have brought out of me .... how they have opened up my mind and my heart, the guidance they have given me and the unconditional frienship they cover me in.

 

[Orwell84]

I agree with all the comments thus far. I'm part of this group too.

It's unfortunate that people are classified by their wealth, their education, their job, their accomplishments, etc. There's certainly nothing wrong with any of those things, but they don't tell anyone much about the real person. Yet, when I meet someone with impressive credentials in these areas, it is easy to be intimidated.

Oh well, another self discovery to work on...

 

[intrigued]

Thank you guys, this helps alot. I knew I wasn't alone, I just wonder about the dynamics involved, and what on earth I'll ever do about it, if anything at all.
peachy...I am so much like you. I am so comfortable in my own skin, in who I am inside, that I can hang out in a "hole in the wall bar," and I can easily dine with the president.
My problem is that I don't conceive of others being the way I am, I don't see them being as tolerant and accepting of me, as I am of them....I look so much deeper inside others, but I seldom feel that anyone will do that with me. Why should they, I just don't have a very compelling existance.

Trish...I am proud of my role as a Mother, it's the moment my life began. But really, there are mothers all over the world, you know? To me, what matters is that to my children, I am the "be all, end all"...I am the only Mother they want or need.
But, no one else gives a rip about that...the most beautiful thing about me.
Your point about responding to the ad is a good one, and he may be the fantasy I wrote of, but I have to go through a heck of alot to find out, and when its a guy like this writing you, well, its a bit much...and this is just one example.
Here's his profile....


"You can't have a rainbow, without the rain." Now, why did I begin my paragraph with a quote like that? Well, the first quality that I am seeking in a special woman must be "OPTIMISM". In this day and age, there just isn't enough. If you meet that one requirement, we are already well on our way! I'm an easygoing CEO/Writer/Publisher, who seeks a woman to be my cheerleader, as well as allow me to be her own. There are many aspects to my personality. I am "CHARITABLE". I design and manufacture teddy bears for charities around the country. I am "ROMANTIC". Correction, I am extremely romantic and also full of spontaneity. If you do not like coming home to poetry and the occasional candlelit dinner, please move on to the next profile. I am "AMBITIOUS". I started publishing comic books at the age of 16 and promoting toy shows to fund the publications. By the time I was 21, I had graduated film school and directed my first motion picture. If ambition frightens you, you may also wish to move on to the next profile. I am seeking a woman with whom I can engage in intelligent conversation, but still have fun when we would like. Last but not least, I do have a hobby! Wow, where do I find the time, right? I enjoy Astronomy and gazing at the stars along the shoreline of the beach here. Working out regularly is also high on my agenda. A person can never be too fit. If any of this interests you, please feel free to let me know. Could you be the one for me?




See what I mean?

His_Kitty....I really like the way you think.


Vixen...honey, your reply really suprises me... You are so very beautiful, I'm just stunned. But I will say that if appearance is all that intimidates you, you "rock".

raindancer...you hit it on the head! Its all about vulnerability...about being judged, and deemed "just not good enough". And more....beginning to believe that maybe its true.


Orwell...yes, I agree completely.

 

[Pixie]

My problem is that I don't conceive of others being the way I am, I don't see them being as tolerant and accepting of me, as I am of them....I look so much deeper inside others, but I seldom feel that anyone will do that with me. Why should they, I just don't have a very compelling existance.

This I think is exactly my problem,
as I feel I haven't accomplished anything so far.
I feel intimidated by and even envious of people who have clear goals
or at least have something visible to show for their efforts.
What makes it even harder is that, I have no clue as to which path to follow, or what I wish to do...

 

[intrigued]

This I think is exactly my problem,
as I feel I haven't accomplished anything so far.
I feel intimidated by and even envious of people who have clear goals
or at least have something visible to show for their efforts.
What makes it even harder is that, I have no clue as to which path to follow, or what I wish to do...

Neither do I. I am 41, and have no idea what to do with myself. I have never been a very ambitious sort, all I ever wanted was to be a Mom and a lover. I wanted a small world of just my family and friends...and maybe to write. I always wanted to write, but I am nowhere near having anything terribly interesting to say.
More to ponder.

 

[Jewelz]

I understand eveything you have spoken of.

Intimidation loves me. It clings the walls of my being. Its truly sad. I am intimidated by thin gorgeous people. I totally understand vixie. I am intimidated by playful sarcasm because I just cant seem to be witty enough for comebacks. I am intimidated by those around me who do have college degrees. The fact that I do not have higher education still makes me cringe, even though it was my choice to quit. But then again, I am very proud to be a stay at home mom. Its a hard job. I get intimidated by people who are very outgoing and popular. I feel invisible next to them. Chalk it all up to my insecurities.

 

[juicylips]

Ok. This thread is making me sad.

Instead of being intimidated by people who we view as having all the things we don't..how about letting them into our lives and taking those things that we envy and letting them become positives?

Someone who is better educated than me, more financially secure or who seems to have it all together makes me want to get to know them better and extract from them the things that got them there.

We have a choice to feel insecure or the choice to embrace those things we know nothing about and learn from them.

*This all being said with the very best intentions and tone.*
JL

 

[DéjàNu]

I dont have that problem, I dont feel intimadated by any social standing, everyone is equal as to the value of their life. I dont see why I should be less important than, say, a doctor or a politician. What I bring around me in my life, is the same importance as them or others... We never know, we might even raise (our kids) the next Nobel prize winner... Infortunelty poeple lack confidence in them, you have to be proud or your choice, of your life, of all the way you have come in life, of what you have become... you have to accept that you are what you are and lift your head, strighten your shoulder and be proud of what you are.....

I dont know if it make sense.... anyway in my french head, it did!!! *lol

 

[glamorilla]

if you ever want to see a models head explode ask her if Kansas is a city or a state.

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

LMAO!

if you ever want to see a models head explode ask her if Kansas is a city or a state.

Intimidation....

It Happens, But I Tend Ta Ignore It And Get Louder

 

[cymbidia]

We have a choice to feel insecure or the choice to embrace those things we know nothing about and learn from them.

Well said.

I think that most people want just exactly the same things you want: to love and be loved, to pay thier bills on time, to have challenging work to do each day (and that most definitely includes the job of mothering your children), to have health coverage and good health, on top of that, and to take a nice vacation on occasion.

Whatever they drive or wear or live in - it's all in pursuit of those basic wants.

No one can ever make you feel insecure about yourself.
If you know you're a good person, if you know you're of value, then walk into each moment with a smile on your face and know that you're already ahead of the game.

Too many people spend far too much time worrying over what others think.
If you're a good person, screw it!
Live your life.
Feel each moment.
You're always going to be as worthy as you feel.

Education and money and all that kinda stuff is just on-the-surface stuff anf it oesn't mean an thing in terms of who a person is underneath. You already know that. It's who we are in our hearts, in the dark of night just before we slip into sleep, that is the essential truth of our lives.

If you're a good person, let it out.
Let it show.
Head up.
Shoulders back.
Smile into the eyes of the passers-by and greet them with a quiet but heartfelt, "Good morning!"

We can't ever have too many good people out there on the streets, smiles in place, can we?

 

[Black_Bird]

Cymbidia... have I ever told you that you can be intimidating sometimes?

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

If you're a good person, let it out.
Let it show.
Head up.
Shoulders back.
Smile into the eyes of the passers-by and greet them with a quiet but heartfelt, "Good morning!"

Loud AND Heartfelt!

We can't ever have too many good people out there on the streets, smiles in place, can we?

 

[KillerMuffin]

I know this is surprising, but really, very little intimidates me. My email does, but that's about it.

I know this will be a shock, but I have a really, really (I mean really) big ego.

 

[cymbidia]

Cymbidia... have I ever told you that you can be intimidating sometimes?

Why...why...you too, BB! I'm pretty sure you intimidate the hell out of a lot of people who've just come this way. You're way smarter than the average bear and that's, well, that's just damned intimidating.








Muff, darlin', no one is shocked by your news flash.
We all know you're a fully centered and actualized individual.

 

[CoolidgEffect]

I find this intimidation is a much more tangible fear in the real world. But in the virtual life of the internet, I tend to think people check much of their pedigree at the door/login.

People don't really know if I have finished high school or not. They don't really know if I own a Bently or a bent badly car. Most people don't have a clue what I look like. Heck most don't know my age within a decade I bet. Okay, maybe they do, but I don't explicitly post it often. That is part of the appeal of the internent. A clean slate. A chance to meet and interact with others on equal footing.

In real life I do find these things get in the way. It doesn't always make sense, but I believe it to be real, and therefore it intimidates me.

Of course as I stated on another thread, I really like Lit for the nudie pictures and the fucking stories.

 

[PepperminTrish]

Ok. This thread is making me sad.

Instead of being intimidated by people who we view as having all the things we don't..how about letting them into our lives and taking those things that we envy and letting them become positives?

Someone who is better educated than me, more financially secure or who seems to have it all together makes me want to get to know them better and extract from them the things that got them there.

We have a choice to feel insecure or the choice to embrace those things we know nothing about and learn from them.

*This all being said with the very best intentions and tone.*
JL

I feel like I need to point out that yes, I do get intimidated easily but it doesn't stop me. I can't allow that because of all the things that I need to take care of. I have to force myself past it but it's still there. I'm ALWAYS going to feel insecure on some level but again, it doesn't keep me from living a relatively happy life. I don't dwell on it.

 

[intrigued]

Trish, thank you, I almost just decided to ditto you, but no. I want to say what I'm thinking...without defending myself, though I do feel rather misunderstood.

What intimidates me is perception, not the things these people have, no matter what it is.
Wealth both intimidates me, and turns me off. Wealth does not impress me, and I suppose if it did, i would be wealthier than I am.
What lies beneath this is knowing all that it took for these people to get to where they are, all things that I lack, and don't even really know that I desire. Further, its the feeling that I need to explain and justify my life, because so many people say to me "where did you go to school?", "what is your career?" and the silence that follows when i respond is deafening. The look on their face is priceless. It speaks of waste, of failure, of total disbelief.
My bottom line is not that I feel they are better than me, its about feeling they should accept me as I am, just as I accept them. I would never question someone as to why they ended up here, there and not there. Never! I would never judge someone on their past, though in all honesty, it does shape them. However, it should NOT define them.
See, this comes down to not wanting to be pitied, not wanting to have to explain to them why I am so simple and basic and don't have the need for a grandiose lifestyle. I am so damn simple and down to earth. The story of my life is not pretty, and I don't ever again want to sit feeling, "oh hell, here come the questions..." I'm not ashamed, but I'm not terribly proud either, other than being proud of the mommy that i am, that I turned my life around and blew myself away with how damn well I rose to the challenge.
I am just sick to death of being judged for what I am NOT.

JL...I do get off on people, they fascinate me. People from all walks of life...i give myself totally to experiencing them, and to sharing myself with them. That is, once all the BS is pushed aside. Its just getting the BS pushed aside that is the very tricky part.
I've found that as I age, I don't much feel like dealing with the BS anymore.
In closing, I just get frustrated when I know what I am like inside, and how I perceive and treat others, and yet, they just can't treat me the same way. Don't pity me for my home I will never get finished and absolutely despise, that I am dying to leave behind, for my very old car, for my lack of a college degree and for not giving a damn about money. I don't, and no one else has the right to.
I would never do that to someone else.

Now THIS is a rambling post...probably because I truly hate being misunderstood, and am trying to rush through my thoughts.

Jewelz, honey....we need to talk.

Thank you all for your replies. I need to think on this more.

 

[Black_Bird]

Why...why...you too, BB! I'm pretty sure you intimidate the hell out of a lot of people who've just come this way. You're way smarter than the average bear and that's, well, that's just damned intimidating.

Ah, Booboo; I may be smarter then the average bear, but all I really want is a picnic basket!

 

[IrishWolfhound]

OK, let me clue some of you in. I have a degree (just under grad). I also have great professional credibility. I'm well respected by my employer and in my professional community.

And you know what? I'd drop it all in a moment for the love of a lady. Because none of those things matter one bit if you can't love and be loved.

So anybody who thinks being "just a mom" or "just a dad" or being a good partner isn't enough, ...you missed the whole point of living.