Intimate Neighbors - Comments Please

[carolinahusband]

Looking for feedback from Literotica vets

My first two stories have been posted for a while, but I didn't get as much feedback as I'd hoped, especially from the more seasoned authors, and would love a few more points of view.

'Intimate Neighbors' is the story of Deb, a 30-something divorcee and Doug, her college-aged neighbor who gets more than he bargained for when he offers to mow her lawn one day.

Please take a look at my first two chapters and let me know your honest opinions. I would especially like to hear from some of the ladies as I think (as my editors have told me) I have given some real emotion to Deb.

Chapter 1: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=282800

Chapter 2: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=288842

Thanks in advance for reading!

Doug (carolinahusband)

 

[carolinahusband]

All I Got For Christmas Was...

Just a little post-Christmas bump! I would love additional feedback on my first two stories.

Thanks!

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

I read the first chapter of your story up to the point when the couple kisses.

The biggest drawback for me was the lack of tension created by Mr. Raymond's absence. When I encountered the flashback where Mr. Raymond steals Doug's baseball, I thought this might be a great story with a real villain. Nice image! Learning of the divorce was a real let-down. With nothing immediate between the lovers, I'm afraid the story quickly lost its appeal. Doug's new job is even in town, so not even time is against them- any more than it is the rest of us.

On a minor note, I think the opening could be a little sharper. There's too much stopping for summary information- especially since I would have learned most of it later anyway when the couple converses. Just as an example, consider how much more lively the story is after Doug's awakens to Mrs. Raymond's knocking- that's when the story really starts, isn't it? So why not just start there?

For a "Get them together quick" story, this was pretty good and if that's what you meant to write, great job. The simple plot is fine- mowing, paint, shower, masturbation, voyeurism, sex... all perfectly reasonable. The characters might be a bit thin, but that's ok if they aren't going to do much more than have sex. Nothing wrong with your command of the English language either.

I guess whether this is positive or negative feedback depends on what kind of story you wanted to write. As the first of a series of explicit encounters, it works and I'm sure readers who enjoy such stories will fancy this one- I just happen to be one of those readers who wants a little more plot and suspense.