Intimacy

[skemp]

No crisis here but looking for advice.

As background, my wife and I have a good sex life - fairly active for a couple with two kids under 6 yo and two busy careers. As a result of a discussion we had about a month ago in which I told her that I wished she would initiate more often and be a bit more experimental in bed (no major thresholds here - just variety in positions, more frequent oral), she has obviously been trying to spice things up a bit. Sounds good right...here's the small problem...

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc.

The obvious solution is to "communicate more" - but she can be very sensitive to sex discussions as she wrongly interprets suggestions as criticism of her skills in bed. If sex was terribly infrequent, or not satisfying, I'd clearly force the issue, but I find myself hedging a bit in order to maintain the decent status quo.

Never thought I'd ask for sex advice on the internet, but what the hell...nothing to lose right?

 

[silverwhisper]

skemp: would you say your wife generally has a good instinct for what you want to do sexually when you make love/fuck/whatever expression applies? b/c what i'm hearing here is a lack of confidence in her own instincts. that, coupled w/ her construing a conversation about sex as criticism of her skills, is indicative to me of classic low self-esteem.

i don't know how long you've lurked here but something you'll soon see if you haven't yet is that most of the regulars here, myself included, feel that behavior in the bedroom is generally a reflection of behavior outside of it.

so honestly, given what i've said above, i think that if she feels more confident about herself, that will translate to trusting her own judgment and initiative more.

ed

 

[BloodFluke]

Give your wife the words she needs. Unless you want to work out a complicated set of hand signals. You're expecting her to be clairvoyant and psychic. If you had a fantasy fetish, you should have owned up to it before marrying you. She wants to know she's doing what you want. Tell her.

 

[sailboatracer]

Same message here, I'm not you, but I'm flattered when a woman asks what I want. I think it shows her desire to pleasure you, how could she possibly know exactly what you need. I have been through this kind of thing with my wife, I couldn't get her to tell me what she wanted. She has a hard time talking during the "hot and heavy" of sex, and it has taken me many years of trial and error while watching her body for the feedback a word might immediately conveyed.
Maybe you can get more comfortable answering her questions.

 

[Eilan]

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc.

But how is she supposed to know what you want unless she asks? Granted, some of the things you mentioned wanting should be a given, I suppose, but what if she decided to do something out of the ordinary (like anal play, light BDSM, etc, if you haven't tried those things) without asking you first?

Some women are raised to believe that women are to be pursued, and for them it takes time--years, even--to realize that it's okay to initiate sex.

 

[Mazuri]

Don't let it be a turn off...in fact, let it be a major turn on. After a rocky period, my hubby and I finally got comfy enough to one day simply lay in bed and touch and ask what the other preferred and experiment in a light and loving manner. And though I absolutely loved the time we spent touching and asking and exploring, I was positively ready to simply pounce after about half an hour of that. We had some of the best sex ever that night and everything since has been better because we don't have to guess, we know, what the other likes. So, please, don't stifle your wife's questions. She wishes to please you...tell her how. Oh, and do the same for her too *nods*

Oooh. This makes me want to do that again!

 

[Straight-8]

I think what I am hearing is that the problem is yours not hers. I agree and I think there are three ways to deal with it:
1) do your talking before sex so she knows what you want, and make it clear that one of the things you want is NOT to be asked what you want during sex;
2) abandon the whole idea and just go back to the old way;
3) take advantage of the situation to become more dominant and demanding in bed. If she's asking, tell her and be prepared to really explore some fantasies.

I'd go for door number 3!

It sounds to me like you aren't necessarily sure of what you want so it is a bit frightening and frustrating to be asked. Figure that out first and you'll probably do alright.

 

[Cathleen]

skemp, welcome to Lit.

There are a few questions I hate, one is "What is for dinner/What do you want for dinner?" and the other is in bed "What do you want/Tell me what you want?" Sometimes I don't want to think, I just want to feel. Sex is the combination of mind, body and spirit (for some), finding the balance is magical.

It's wonderful to want to please a partner, giving our partner just what they want is in and of itself pleasurable. I love to know he is enjoying being my focus and I want my actions to be pleasing to both of us.

Obviously communicating is a must, it's about how we do it. There are so many ways we communicate with one another. Sometimes it's our most intimate relationship that poses the most difficulty with communication - an odd paradox.

Maybe try new methods to get your thoughts and wants heard. How about writing a love letter? A story? Often writing will bring things up and out, things we might not have known or felt. Write your thoughts, your wants, desires etc. The ideas you shared here are wonderful, tell her, in ways she can hear inside, in her womanliness (believe me, it's there).

I don't always feel comfortable asking or being asked but I've learned a lot here. Knowledge is power! Once I feel comfortable with myself and him I can relax and let things happen. Help her feel more confident about her sexuality, I respond best to gentle teaching at first then can take a step up. I'm sure you've noticed we're complex humans, but worth the efforts. In my opinion the greatest/best difference between men and women is how we communicate, it can be the most frustrating or the most lovely of differences.

I'm sure there are seventeen gabillionzillion books on communication but zero in on sexual communication.

 

[Jailhouse]

Something about you wanting to be sexed up without any warning reminds me of a scene from Rozencrantz and Gildenstern are Dead where Tim Roth says to Gary Oldman... "You... approach me... unawares..."

Anyhow.

You may find it pays off to set aside a time when you're NOT horny, sit down with the wife, pour some tea/coffee, and really be detailed with her. "I like teeth in this particular place, but not nails...", "I can't cum if you're doing x, y or z...", "When you use this word I like it, when you use that word I don't..."

It might seem clinical and unsexy, but that's fine. Remember... you're trying new things and, by definition, new things are uncomfortable. This discussion, however would be helpful in that you are doing the necessary communicating during a dispassionate moment so that you can put it on automatic during those times when the excitement is starting to build.

You won't get away without communication, but maybe the timing of that communication will ensure that the sexy moments remain sexy while you're still able to get across the information you'd like to.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Well Skemp, it's been said but I'll rehash a bit of it, mainly because I've been in the same boat as you. My wife, while very open minded and sexual, is not an initiator. Every once in a while she will and it's a big treat for me, but it's just not her way. Also just as I lead while dancing, she would rather have me lead sexually as well. Nothing wrong with this, we still have amazing sex, but I understand how you would like your wife to just do without asking. The thing is, not everyone is comfortable taking that role. Maybe it has to do with past experiences, a lack of confidence, or just a demure personality.

As BloodFluke said, you have to first give her the words. Encourage her, don't chastise her. Understand that she has to gain that confidence in herself before she'll be comfortable just doing something without asking approval first. It's not going to happen overnight and it's not going to ever happen fully to the level you would ideally like. Patience and time, and I mean years maybe, are the key.

My wife has grown in just this way a great deal over the years, and the strange thing is that it hasn't really made the sex any better. It's gratifying that she initiates because it makes me feel desired and wanted, but in the end our interaction is on the same level. That's a good thing though, not a bad one.

 

[Dalvenia]

No crisis here but looking for advice.

As background, my wife and I have a good sex life - fairly active for a couple with two kids under 6 yo and two busy careers. As a result of a discussion we had about a month ago in which I told her that I wished she would initiate more often and be a bit more experimental in bed (no major thresholds here - just variety in positions, more frequent oral), she has obviously been trying to spice things up a bit. Sounds good right...here's the small problem...

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc.

The obvious solution is to "communicate more" - but she can be very sensitive to sex discussions as she wrongly interprets suggestions as criticism of her skills in bed. If sex was terribly infrequent, or not satisfying, I'd clearly force the issue, but I find myself hedging a bit in order to maintain the decent status quo.

Never thought I'd ask for sex advice on the internet, but what the hell...nothing to lose right?

.....

 

[Flyin_Free]

I I could have one *do over* card in my marriage, this would be it. There are so many things that I really wish I had of told my husband that I wanted to try. So many things that I never said, or asked for. So many things that I was too shy to talk about....and for what?

 

[skemp]

Ok - some good advice here - and as I expected, some odd responses...

I should have owned up to a fetish before getting married??? - did you read my post? Big fetish here - wanting your wife to initiate vaginal and oral intercourse.

I think the majority of you are right that we need to talk about this away from the bedroom. That will take a bit of time...as we both work long hours and commit most personal time to our kids...but I'll figure that out.

Thanks for the posts. Helpful overall...

 

[midwestyankee]

Ok - some good advice here - and as I expected, some odd responses...

I should have owned up to a fetish before getting married??? - did you read my post? Big fetish here - wanting your wife to initiate vaginal and oral intercourse.

I think the majority of you are right that we need to talk about this away from the bedroom. That will take a bit of time...as we both work long hours and commit most personal time to our kids...but I'll figure that out.

Thanks for the posts. Helpful overall...

Skemp, welcome to Lit.

I'm not sure that many people would consider wanting your wife to initiate sex to be a fetish. Typically we use the word "fetish" to refer to getting off on such things as the sight of a woman's feet, the smell of used lingerie, or a preference for being whipped instead of penetrative sex. Instead, what you have is a very typical preference. Or maybe even a bit more than that.

It strikes me as a slight possibility that what you really want is for your wife to take over control of your sexual encounters at least once in a while. Not just to tell you what she wants, but to take complete control of the situation and satisfy herself using your body in whatever way she chooses. Maybe even to the extent that she denies you the freedom to climax. Have you ever had this desire?

Such desires are completely normal, by the way, and occur in a much larger part of the general population than you might think. Roughly 5% of all adults have a complete preference for such forms of sex as bondage, discipline and sado-masochism. Roughly 30% experiment with such practices from time to time.

I could be reading a lot more into your post than you put there, but I thought that even if that's the case, it might be useful for you to see this and react to it in order to better understand your situation.

 

[footlongish]

"I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc."

I agree with what he is saying here, FWIW.

 

[vanelane]

"I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc."

I agree with what he is saying here, FWIW.

Ok, that's fine if you don't want to be asked 'what do you want' during sex (I don't like that either) so that means you need to communicate at a different time. At a time and place where there is no question that sex is not happening right now, talk to her, exactly what you wrote here. "Honey, I'd love for you to suck me to orgasm without my asking, walk into the shower an initiate without me expecting it, push me between your legs for oral without me asking you if it's ok. It just really turns me on no end to think of you just 'taking me' like that. What do ya think?" You might be amazed at the results.

 

[skemp]

midwestyankee - I agree, I don't know anyone that would consider it a fetish...except for the one person who suggested I was hiding one from my wife for the past 10 years...I was being sarcastic in last post.

As an aside, my wife and I had amazing sex the night before last. I initiated, but she did this absolutely terrific and I believe, new, tightening of her pussy around my shaft as I withdrew with each stroke...she's tightened her vaginal muscles around me when I insert before - and that's great - but this was different, like being masturbated - only by far better muscles than those in the hand...

Sorry for the digression but wanted to reemphasize that things are not a disaster in our bed by any stretch of the imagination...

 

[glynndah]

I read your post to say that your woman enjoys "spicing things up" but isn't quite sure what to do and asks for guidance. You feel this spoils the mood a bit.
Right?

Why not write down several "fantasies" she can act on? Make this a joint effort, contribute some of your own or have her add some of her own invention. Seal each in an envelope and have her draw one during the appropriate moment. She could read it out loud to you and then begin or maybe just start in.

That would keep the element of surprise in it for you.

 

[Eilan]

midwestyankee - I agree, I don't know anyone that would consider it a fetish...except for the one person who suggested I was hiding one from my wife for the past 10 years...I was being sarcastic in last post.

You must have been referring to the post that was deleted, because I was a little confused about your reply.

Why not write down several "fantasies" she can act on? Make this a joint effort, contribute some of your own or have her add some of her own invention. Seal each in an envelope and have her draw one during the appropriate moment. She could read it out loud to you and then begin or maybe just start in.

That would keep the element of surprise in it for you.

I think this is a good idea. Hell, I might "borrow" it for myself!

I understand skemp's frustrations here, but I can also understand his wife's POV, even though I don't tend to ask my husband what he wants during sex. It's better to ask what your partner likes--and, no it doesn't have to be during sex--than to assume that you know and end up getting it all wrong.

 

[Cathleen]

Give your wife the words she needs. Unless you want to work out a complicated set of hand signals. You're expecting her to be clairvoyant and psychic. If you had a fantasy fetish, you should have owned up to it before marrying you. She wants to know she's doing what you want. Tell her.

Actually here is the post.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think the majority of you are right that we need to talk about this away from the bedroom. That will take a bit of time...as we both work long hours and commit most personal time to our kids...but I'll figure that out.QUOTE]
You can't talk about these things in a sexual setting, it just doesn't work. Passions and emotions get too high in that setting to talk rationally. Outside the bedroom you can rationalize the problem and get things worked out. It's tough, but doable.

Good luck!

 

[Eilan]

Actually here is the post.

Damn. I skipped right over that post because it was short.

 

[Apollonia_K]

No crisis here but looking for advice.

As background, my wife and I have a good sex life - fairly active for a couple with two kids under 6 yo and two busy careers. As a result of a discussion we had about a month ago in which I told her that I wished she would initiate more often and be a bit more experimental in bed (no major thresholds here - just variety in positions, more frequent oral), she has obviously been trying to spice things up a bit. Sounds good right...here's the small problem...

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, but I want her to suck me to orgasm without my asking...walk into the shower and initiate without me expecting it...push me between her legs for oral without my asking her if it's ok...etc.

The obvious solution is to "communicate more" - but she can be very sensitive to sex discussions as she wrongly interprets suggestions as criticism of her skills in bed. If sex was terribly infrequent, or not satisfying, I'd clearly force the issue, but I find myself hedging a bit in order to maintain the decent status quo.

Never thought I'd ask for sex advice on the internet, but what the hell...nothing to lose right?

Ok, I have a little different take on this....did you ever think that your wife might be asking what you want because hearing you tell her what would really get you going right at that moment is a big turn on for her?

I know I'm only one woman but I can tell you that it excites me A LOT to have a man do this for me...and I might ask, if I'm holding back and he doesn't get the hint. All it takes is..."Baby I need you to suck my cock so bad right now" or "Oh God, slide that hot pussy down on me now..I need to cum inside you" or "Sit on my face and grind until you drench me with your cum"....ok sorry, got carried away but you get the idea. Just one sentence is it...I can take over from there...but it does the trick for me.

Then again, this being a big turn on for me had been discussed outside of the bedroom so he already had a clue what to do. So I agree with others that posted...you need to talk to her about this sometime when your not having sex, maybe when she's relaxing in your arms. Try not to make it a negative. Start out be telling her how much you enjoy making love to her, how much you love her soft _____ (fill in the blank). You could try asking her if it turns her on to hear you tell her what to do to you. Ask her other things that you could do to excite her. Tell her again what she could do to turn you on also.
Tell her you're asking so that it can be even better for both of you.

If she tells you that it excites her to hear you tell her...maybe you could do it sometimes. If you did it thinking you were exciting her by doing it, I don't think you would hate it. If it gets her hot, you're going to benefit from it too.

Maybe a good suggestion to make would be that you will take turns leading during sex. Sounds like dancing, but you know what I mean. That way you both get what you want.

Just a thought........

 

[Apollonia_K]

I read your post to say that your woman enjoys "spicing things up" but isn't quite sure what to do and asks for guidance. You feel this spoils the mood a bit.
Right?

Why not write down several "fantasies" she can act on? Make this a joint effort, contribute some of your own or have her add some of her own invention. Seal each in an envelope and have her draw one during the appropriate moment. She could read it out loud to you and then begin or maybe just start in.

That would keep the element of surprise in it for you.

I've done this before and it's very fun and something different once in a while. We had his/her jars and took turns picking one of the others fantasies out of their jar and doing it. We didn't really read them...we just jumped right in so to speak hehe. Lots of fun!

 

[Exciteher]

No crisis here but looking for advice.

...... As a result of a discussion we had about a month ago in which I told her that I wished she would initiate more often and be a bit more experimental in bed...., she has obviously been trying to spice things up a bit....

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, ...

....she can be very sensitive to sex discussions....

Never thought I'd ask for sex advice....

Skemp, I would invite you to consider that perhaps it is you that is more sensitive and uncomfortable discussing sex -than is your wife. She would therefore, sensing your discomfort, be somewhat unconfortable herself.

I am wondering if finding out why you get so turned off when she asks what you want during sex would unlock many things for you both?

I have found that exploring areas of discomfort in myself leads to big and very positive discoveries.

I find it a very large turn-off to be asked during sex "what do you want". I'm not sure why, ...

My hunch is the answer to the question you ask here is contained in the answer to the "why" in the quote above...