intimacy vs. pleasure

[DarkLover]

Informal survey here:

Is sex for you more about intimacy or pleasure?

(Yes, I'm a guy, in case you're wondering.)

Let me clarify a bit. When I say "intimacy" I mean some emotional component, some expression of attachment to the particular person you are with above all other people.

When I say "pleasure" I mean some good physical feeling. In other words is sex like having your back scratched--it just feels good?

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in this lately. My wife and I have an okay marriage, but she's not really the person I wish I had married. The reason I have sex is because it's fun; it doesn't necessarily mean I'm attached to her. (Yeah I know that last sentence might make me sound like a jerk. What I'm trying to find out is if many other people like to have sex without "love" or does "love" have to be a part of it.)

DarkLover

 

[Bobmi357]

Intimacy is important to me. Sure making love to my wife is the greatest thing, but I like the intimacy part and to be honest I do not think I could make love to a woman that I didn't feel some sort of emotional attachment to.

 

[Lynxie]

For me, it's a bit of both. Sometimes is a little more about pleasure, and sometimes there's a lot more emotion, but I've never been able to separate the two completely. Though, this probably has a lot to do with the fact that my only partner in sex has been my husband, whom I love dearly. I do believe it's possible to have sex without love or emotion, but I have to say that does seem a bit selfish and disrespectful.

 

[Missingmeds]

This is the fuck buddy debate that has discussed time and time again.

Is it possible to have sex without emotion? No. It is called lust and it is very much an emotion. Is it possible to have sex without love? Yes, very much so.

I can have sex for many reasons, beginning with because I am physically or mentally attracted to someone. I don't have to have an attachment to them to have excellent sex with them.

As long as I lust enough to make sure that my partner is getting the same amount of pleasure from me that I am from them, that is all that matters.

Intimacy is not sex, it never has been, it will never be. You can have sex without intimacy, you can have intimacy without love. The problem seems to be that some people can't separate love from lust, and don't understand that intimacy doesn't always equal sex.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by DarkLover
Informal survey here:

Is sex for you more about intimacy or pleasure?

Sex is about pleasure...making love is about intimacy (and is pleasurable). Same physical acts, different emotional involvement.

 

[kinkybrat]

Is it possible to have sex without emotion? No. It is called lust and it is very much an emotion. Is it possible to have sex without love? Yes, very much so.

ITA

 

[DarkLover]

Okay, so it's possible to have sex without love.

What's your preference?

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by DarkLover
Okay, so it's possible to have sex without love.

What's your preference?

Forgive me...but that seems such a silly question (to me any way). Making love is always better than sex. It's sex 'plus'.

 

[Lynxie]

Forgive me...but that seems such a silly question (to me any way). Making love is always better than sex. It's sex 'plus'.

I must say I agree, ww. Though I think some people are afraid of showing their "sensitive" side, and deny themselves that part of the pleasure.

 

[zhukov1943]

Intimacy, definitely.

Sex without intimacy seems akin to "masturbation"... There just happens to be someone else there, too!

 

[Missingmeds]

Maybe it is just the way that I am, but I prefer sex without love, but with intimacy. Yes I can have that. Yes that is what I have.

I prefer it just the way that it is. I have intimacy with sex and without love. I also have intimacy without sex and with much love.

So I guess I am just wired differently in the head and the heart than most people.

 

[Cathleen]

I think the difference between sex and making love is akin to the difference between a noun and a verb.

Making love is intimacy; emotional and physical intimacy. There is a difference for me. Sometimes it is about pleasure only and the physical release. Other times it is the bond, needing to feel that special bond, emotionally with someone. I can't make love if there isn't love (and goodness knows what love is....that is a whole other thread).

To me sex can be done with or without love. I am not one to do that or even want that - I want the emotional intimacy, in fact need it before I can have sex with him.

To me sex is always an intimate act. I cannot figure how that could ever not be - you are sharing yourself in one of the most physically ways possible, that is intimate in my opinion. (Even seeing a doctor for a medical physical is intimate to me, there is a trust and respect between doctor and patient, that is intimate.)

I think you can have sex without love but I'd rather not. But I don't think you can have sex without intimacy, at least physical intimacy. Isn't that what sex is afterall? (Or part of it.)

 

[SweetErika]

I think the difference between sex and making love is akin to the difference between a noun and a verb.

Making love is intimacy; emotional and physical intimacy. There is a difference for me. Sometimes it is about pleasure only and the physical release. Other times it is the bond, needing to feel that special bond, emotionally with someone. I can't make love if there isn't love (and goodness knows what love is....that is a whole other thread).

To me sex can be done with or without love. I am not one to do that or even want that - I want the emotional intimacy, in fact need it before I can have sex with him.

To me sex is always an intimate act. I cannot figure how that could ever not be - you are sharing yourself in one of the most physically ways possible, that is intimate in my opinion. (Even seeing a doctor for a medical physical is intimate to me, there is a trust and respect between doctor and patient, that is intimate.)

I think you can have sex without love but I'd rather not. But I don't think you can have sex without intimacy, at least physical intimacy. Isn't that what sex is afterall? (Or part of it.)

Very, very well said, Cate!

 

[blue112]

Re: Re: intimacy vs. pleasure

Sex is about pleasure...making love is about intimacy (and is pleasurable). Same physical acts, different emotional involvement.

once again, youve gone and said what I couldnt possibly have expressed.

its circular, one reinforces the other for me

 

[Carillon]

I have heard it described before in terms of desserts (an analogy that has my heart before I even hear the argument):

Sex is like apple pie.

Love (or intimacy, or deep emotional connections, or whatever you want to label your personal degree of more-than-just-physical "feelings") is like vanilla ice cream.

Both can be delicious, enjoyable, and completely fulfilling on their own; together they can be something akin to extraordinary.

 

[StevenWill]

wonderful topic

Very complicated question, indeed. My thoughts.

Sex is not naturally intimate. It can be routine, silent, mechanical and do nothing to bring people together. Many married couples have this kind of sex. A penis in a vagina is not necessarily intimate even though we use the words “sexually intimate.” “Physically” intimate is the correct term.

Intimacy is about disclosure, being vulnerable, growing close and feeling a sense of connectedness, letting go and letting your guard down.

So sex can be intimate, but it is not what a lot of people think of. We like to say making love because it seems proper and less sexual. But saying “I love you” and feeling emotionally close is not the only way. People who commit to having great sex can build a tremendous intimacy in their sexuality. The intimacy comes from building a sexual relationship together, breaking down barriers, setting restrictive gender roles aside, giving sex a place of honor in a relationship, experimenting, being sexually vulnerable. When you can say, “look what we have created, look how far we have come, look at the erotic journey we have taken, look at the ecstatic experiences we have shared,” you are in the midst of building erotic intimacy with trust and mutual respect.

So, for some, eye contact and whispered terms of endearment in the dark in the missionary position can be an intensely intimate bonding moment while others or those very same people can feel extremely close and connected after one has begged to be the other’s submissive little slut and have big strap-on dildo up their ass. Couples who are open and vulnerable and willing to forge an exciting partnership can go places that take their breath away and make them feel powerfully connected.

Too much coffee, sorry.

Dr. Steve

 

[smoothdevil]

Maybe it is just the way that I am, but I prefer sex without love, but with intimacy. Yes I can have that. Yes that is what I have.

I prefer it just the way that it is. I have intimacy with sex and without love. I also have intimacy without sex and with much love.

So I guess I am just wired differently in the head and the heart than most people.

we have previously exchanged views on this issue elsewhere ... lol ... I can't say that I prefer or not-prefer sex without love ... but since I haven't been in "love" for a while, intimacy and or sex will have to suffice nicely .... but definatively need some connection to the partner

 

[kinkybrat]

I think the difference between sex and making love is akin to the difference between a noun and a verb.

Making love is intimacy; emotional and physical intimacy. There is a difference for me. Sometimes it is about pleasure only and the physical release. Other times it is the bond, needing to feel that special bond, emotionally with someone. I can't make love if there isn't love (and goodness knows what love is....that is a whole other thread).

To me sex can be done with or without love. I am not one to do that or even want that - I want the emotional intimacy, in fact need it before I can have sex with him.

To me sex is always an intimate act. I cannot figure how that could ever not be - you are sharing yourself in one of the most physically ways possible, that is intimate in my opinion. (Even seeing a doctor for a medical physical is intimate to me, there is a trust and respect between doctor and patient, that is intimate.)

I think you can have sex without love but I'd rather not. But I don't think you can have sex without intimacy, at least physical intimacy. Isn't that what sex is afterall? (Or part of it.)

Very, very very well said.

 

[ApplesMcgee]

split

.....

 

[LarzMachine]

Intimacy, hands-down. But then, I'm kind of fucked in the head, so I might not be the best guy to get an opinion from...

 

[ethereal~minx]

Informal survey here:

Is sex for you more about intimacy or pleasure?

...
DarkLover

sex for me is about intimacy. I will not have sex without it.
sharing something so sacred is about loyalty~ loyalty to the sanctity of what is being shared. It is about pleasure but pleasure comes because of the loyalty to the act itself.

We are both doing something for eachother ---not only meeting his wants & desires (sex for sex) but also mine---- he must have a willingness to be open with me, trust me with his desires & wants... then the sex can be most pleasurable for both

he's still a fuckbuddy~~ just not his definition of. He'd do better with his hand than me. I'm worth waaaay more than that.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

i'm wickidly addicted to intimacy

 

[Ansi]

I'm probably not the least bit qualified to speak on this topic (seeing as how I've never actually had sex with another person before)...but I believe I can safely say that, to me at least, sex = love. That is...without love, there IS no sex.

I understand that some people can 'just fuck' for physical pleasure, with no love involved. However, I also understand that I'm not one of them. When it comes to sexual activities with someone other than myself, I simply have no desire for loveless sex.

I've been on the Internet for a long time, and have seen more than my fair share of sexy bombshells and pornographic websites. They were all sexy, in the traditional sense.

However...recently, I've become "more than friends" with a girl I know...we're not really in love right now, but I definitely feel something for her. I have no doubt that, if she chooses to love me, I would love her as well.

Now, she's not the most physically attractive of girls, at least not when compared to the busty, voluptuous, I've-got-curves-in-places-where-some-girls-don't-HAVE-places sexpots that iconify physical attractiveness to most men (and some women, heh). She's not that curvy...she's a little on the petite side...her breasts aren't double-D cup, and her butt doesn't look like a pair of hams down the back of her pants.

And yet...ever since she became my friend, I've realized that she's not just sexy...she's *beautiful*. Her face, though not 'classically beautiful', is cute as a button. Her body, while not as curvy as most, is smooth as silk, and squeezably soft; her skin a wonderful shade of creamy white. Her breasts, while not overly large, are the perfect size to be cupped softly in the hand. Her behind, though not as curvy as other derrieres out there, is just as firm.

As you can probably tell, I've been visually going over her features time and again. After a while, I came to realize something: to me, at least, she was MORE physically attractive than any hyper-sexed girl I'd ever seen.

What does this mean? I asked myself that question not too long ago, and it didn't take me long to figure out the answer: my mental attraction to her *created* a physical attraction. As I came to know her as a person, I began to find her irresistably sexy. Of course, her body didn't change at all over that time; my feelings, however, did.

I *want* her now...I want her like I've never wanted anyone in my whole life. As far as I'm concerned, she's the sexiest girl on the planet, even though I've never even seen her naked (man, makes you wonder how I'll feel once the clothes come off!).

I now know for certain what I suspected to be the case with me all along; sex, to me at least, means LOVE. MY sexual desire for a person is directly influenced by my feelings for them; as friendship grows into love, so does their attractiveness to me go from "Damn, she's cute" to "Oh MAN, I am SO hot for her".

Without love, there simply isn't any desire to have sex. I mean, let's face it...if all you want is the physical pleasure, why even bother with a partner? You could do it just as easily with a few dildos, a futurotic pussy or two, some lube, and maybe one of those mechanical piston-like fucking machines (ooh GOD, what I wouldn't give to have one of those things to ream my ass for me). Or, if you absolutely must have a warm body attached to your favorite private parts, you could always just dial up the local escort service.

Personally, I simply have no desire to have 'just sex' when I could be 'making love' instead; that's like opting for fast-food take-out when you could be eating a deluxe multi-course meal at the fanciest 5-star resturant. Now, that's not to say fast food is BAD; on the contrary, some people probably prefer it to, say, steak and lobster. I'm just not one of them.

To borrow (and slightly alter) one of my favorite metaphors of all time (from a computer game, no less)...IMHO, making love with your special someone is as far above 'just sex' as 'just sex' is above, say, brushing your teeth.

Of course, the best thing about sexual love is that it can take any form, even that of 'just sex', and still retain that special spark of love and emotional intimicacy. Want to have a long evening of warm, emotional, passionate sex? You can do that. Want to forego all the lovey-dovey stuff and fuck your partner like a piece of meat? You can do that too, and still feel the love. Want to have wild, incredibly kinky sex using every toy, orfice, and kitchen appliance in the book? You can, and with the peace of mind of knowing that you and your partner will do everything in their power to make the experience as pleasureable and non-painful (unless you're into that sort of thing) as possible. Want to just not have sex at all, and instead cuddle under the blankets in front of the fireplace? Hell yeah, you can do that...I, for one, plan to. Often.




Well, that's how I feel about it. Sorry for ranting on so long...I have a habit of dragging posts out into novels when I really get into the subject matter. They called me "Mr. Verbosity" on another board...feh.

 

[SweetErika]

Of course, the best thing about sexual love is that it can take any form, even that of 'just sex', and still retain that special spark of love and emotional intimicacy. Want to have a long evening of warm, emotional, passionate sex? You can do that. Want to forego all the lovey-dovey stuff and fuck your partner like a piece of meat? You can do that too, and still feel the love. Want to have wild, incredibly kinky sex using every toy, orfice, and kitchen appliance in the book? You can, and with the peace of mind of knowing that you and your partner will do everything in their power to make the experience as pleasureable and non-painful (unless you're into that sort of thing) as possible. Want to just not have sex at all, and instead cuddle under the blankets in front of the fireplace? Hell yeah, you can do that...I, for one, plan to. Often.

Hey Ansi, I know this is just a piece of it (the one I most identify with), but your entire post is one of the most true, heartfelt, logical things I've ever read. Very nice...being verbose is a real asset in your case! Thanks for sharing!

 

[Missingmeds]

we have previously exchanged views on this issue elsewhere ... lol ... I can't say that I prefer or not-prefer sex without love ... but since I haven't been in "love" for a while, intimacy and or sex will have to suffice nicely .... but definatively need some connection to the partner

That is just it. I have a connection with my partner. Is it love? No. Does it have to be love? Not in my case. I think that the very answer to this question lies with the person that asked it and what they need and desire. The answer is different for each of us.

But if I use some of the standards that are being used to define intimacy here, and apply them to my partner, then we do have the very intimacy that so many here seem to be lacking.