Interracial Story Feedback

[Bizzy_Bish]

I've submitted several stories on Lit. This one, however, is new and I would like feedback on it before I go any further...

Thanks,

-Bizzy

http://www.literotica.com/s/missed-connection-1

 

[sr71plt]

With 11 favorite story votes already, I'm not sure why you would need to ask for feedback. It's obvious you have readers for it. It has a bunch of technical problems and the relationships are shallow and not completed--it's not really a "story" is it? You quite evidently are only opening a story with this, so either false packaging or an incompleted attempt at a story. Even with the technical and content problems, though, it's interesting and has good heat--and you're a good storyteller. If it's really meant as a standalone story, it could be at least a good vignette if you dropped the Sean segment, which doesn't really go anywhere as a story--although it provides a good sex scene. If it's meant as chapter one of a series, it should have been set up as that.

Who is Kay? Made me stop and wonder. You use Kass as a nickname for Kassandra later, which makes sense--but you're already flipping far and wide between brief scenes, so the "Kay" seems to introduce someone who means nothing at all to the storyline.

If there's a real story here, it's yet to come, I think.

 

[Bizzy_Bish]

Thank you!

Kay is basically K, for Kassidy... It IS meant to be chapter 1 of a series, but because this was just a new idea I didn't want to put too much time into it without getting enough positive feedback.

Thanks,

-Bizzy

 

[sr71plt]

There's a format for chaptered series. Although yours obviously hasn't upset anyone, considering the high number of "favorite" votes, some readers will be ticked at expecting a full story read and only getting the setup for something you haven't even finished conceiving/writing yet. I certainly wouldn't have read this if I'd known it was just the first chapter of something not even completed as a story yet. (And I didn't vote it, because I found it wasn't a story yet.)