Interested

[Syri07]

I'm slowly becoming more and more intrigued by the BDSM lifestyle. I know very little and am interested in learning more; for example, what makes it so interesting to some people, what do you get from it, what have been some of your experiances? You know, things of that nature.

I've been reading some of the stories and perhaps I've been chosing the wrong ones, but much of it seems so violent. Is that the lure? If not, then what is?

I suppose I'm interested because (go figure), I'm trying to learn to let go and be more comfortable being submissive in all aspects of my life.

I'm interested to get some honest takes on it and see if I might like to try it.

Please, be gentle with me. I'm still a "virgin"...hahaha

Thanks!!!

 

[Chicklet]

1) the stories you read on an erotica site aren't going to be extremely realistic. It's porn, just like the porn you watch on TV. That's not real, those stories aren't real.

2) some people DO enjoy impact play, or other sorts of S/m. Some people get off on pain, some people get off on hurting others. That's the S/m part of BDSM.

Whatever YOU want your BDSM to mean is what it will mean. Does that make sense? Some people don't like pain or giving pain AT ALL. But they enjoy bondage, or the D/s dynamic.

Personally I love bondage, impact play, and SOME D/s with the right person. Saying "I'm involved in BDSM" is an open ended statement. From there you have thousands of options and fetishes and likes and dislikes. I might as well say "I like food!"

= )

 

[Syri07]

A little warning...I'm gonna be a pain in the ass...
Could you give me a little advice on how to get started?

 

[jadefirefly]

That depends on what you want to get started in.

You'll find some people who, in order to figure out what, exactly, floats their boat, engage in online-only play via PM, instant messenger, email, etc.

Other people find someone who either has similar interests, or such drastically different interests, and engage them in conversation about what intrigues them about this thing or that thing.

Still others find out about local communities, attend munches, and find people in their area that they can talk to about different things so that when they're ready to try something, they already know if they're going to have a supportive group of friends there to back them up or not.

Do you want to just read more? Make friends in the lifestyle? Talk with someone about the things that make them tick? It's kind of like, to borrow Chicklets analogy, saying "I'd like to learn to cook." You've gotta decide what you want to cook, first!

I hope this helped somewhat.

 

[Softouch911]

I have a couple of suggestions on how to begin --

1) There's a wonderful library of information on an incredible range of "tastes" right here on this forum. Look it over. Read where you find yourself curious. Figure out what floats your boat. (The first thing you'll learn is that change and diversity are central to the people who are in the BDSM lifestyle -- all that unites us is that we're "kinky." AFter that, a myriad of little groups gather for their own preferences.)

2) Another wonderful place to read is a site called "Submissive Loving." It's not all about submission, but the essays are actually thoughtful.

Lots of folk can, and will, recommend books. But once you have a good idea of what intrigues you, then you'll get a good idea of what to talk and ask about.

By the way: sometimes some of BDSM play is violent -- some of it can be very viiolent. But don't confuse fiction with reality. Life is good just as it is.

Best wishes and welcome,
ST

 

[subwannabe]

Unfortunately, there is no "one size fits all". As someone already said, "It is what you want it to be or what you want to make it". I think it all depends on what you want and what your partner is willing to do, period. If you have a willing partner you can just sit down with them and read a bunch of stories, finding out what things fit into both of your parameters. You can even get to the point of making a physical or mental list of both things to do and things that are off limits. For more spontaneous excitement you can give the dom a lot of leway using a safe word. That way it doesn't wind up being just the same ole same ole. Have fun.

 

[SheDevilShay]

I agree with the previous posters. I write BDSM erotica and teh non fiction stories I write are extremes... Its fantasies... while its erotic to punish a slave by putting a banana in their ass and making another slave clean them up... in real life thats not very healthy or sanitary... (I.e. make sure for gods sake you have your hep A shot...)

Here are 3 things to consider that I find important...

1. ) Health/body. -- You need to make sure your physically healthy and can handle "tension" or "stress". You need to learn your limits... part of the appeal of BDSM is stepping outside of your safety zone, giving or taking control, its a rush of satisfaction you can't get anywhere else... Its almost as good as the orgasm itself... for some. Learn your body's weakenesses and strengths and your limit physically.

2. ) Frame of Mind/spirituality --- If you have any spiritual issue's, such as being mormon, odds are you can't participate in many "aspects" of the BDSM life style when it comes to "sex" play. Your mind set needs to be prepared to handle "comfort zone issues"... Standing in the shower, pissing on command of your dom... washing her head to toe and waiting patiently soaking wet on the floor kneeling while she finishes, then towel drying her off before YOUR needs are met... if you will feel any resentment of this... this is not a roll you are prepared to play mentally... Learn your mental and emotional limits.

3.) communication. Have a Safe word... this word means.. STOP.. Some people use "red light" meaning STOP!!! Yellow Light means hitting the zone of no return... and Green light means... "more". WE just use watermelon as our safe word... we've been married for 1 1/2 years and know each other well enough sexually/emotionally to know our "pressure" points emotionally and physically to not need a whole secret language of communication... You also need to work out non verbal communication. Specific # of taps, hand signals, grunts or whatever to invoke the same "safe" word option when you are unable to speak.. I.e. have a ball gag in your mouth or are tied up.

 

[JazzManJim]

A little warning...I'm gonna be a pain in the ass...
Could you give me a little advice on how to get started?

First thing first, right?

Figure out what you like.

Think back to the most intense and enjoyable sexual times you ever experienced and tease out what made them so memorable. Was there a common element to all of them, or perhaps two or three? Was there a particular mindset you or your partner was in, or a particular "role" either or both of you played?

Figure out what makes those times of intimacy really fun for you, then do a little homework. Find out where those likes coincide with BDSM. Once you've found that, just talk to folks and, more importantly, listen to them. Find out what makes them go "ooooooooh!" and share those things about yourself with them, as the conversation allows.

BDSM isn't just something you "get into" like diving into a swimming pool. If you just jump in, you'll most likely find the experience not very much fun at all and it'll turn you off of the whole thing.

But if you get into those things you like and spread out from there, you'll find it much more satisfying. And you'll learn things about yourself you never thought you'd learn.

 

[lk70]

It wasn't so long ago that I joined this site and made some posts about curiosity and definitions and how, what, who, etc. So I'm not an expert, just barely a novice but what some of the more experienced folks might forget to tell you is this:

PAY NO ATTENTION to men who contact you privately and try to tell you how to be a sub. They don't have your best interests in mind.

 

[SheDevilShay]

It wasn't so long ago that I joined this site and made some posts about curiosity and definitions and how, what, who, etc. So I'm not an expert, just barely a novice but what some of the more experienced folks might forget to tell you is this:

PAY NO ATTENTION to men who contact you privately and try to tell you how to be a sub. They don't have your best interests in mind.

What about a hot domme female pming him telling him how to be a good sub???

 

[Syri07]

thanks

I just want to take a minute to say thanks to those who have responded to me... I really appreciate it. At least I have some sort of starting point now instead of jumping head long into it, as I normally would have done. Thanks again and can't wait to hear more from you guys....
Be easy....

 

[ShyVixen]

1) the stories you read on an erotica site aren't going to be extremely realistic. It's porn, just like the porn you watch on TV. That's not real, those stories aren't real.

Chicklet is right with that statement. Erotic stories are not the same as reading well written, non-fiction, informative essays about BDSM. There are a few sites I've been visiting lately that have helped me. All of them can be found via the threads in this forum.

 

[lk70]

What about a hot domme female pming him telling him how to be a good sub???

That either!

 

[Syri07]

Feeling a little intimidated (which is new)

So, it sounds to me like this is gonna be a lot of hit or miss, huh?

 

[CutieMouse]

So, it sounds to me like this is gonna be a lot of hit or miss, huh?

It's likely to be less hit or miss if you're well educated. If you know doing X is a bad bad bad idea, and you have some guy demanding that all his "slaves" do X, then you are equipped to tell him to stuff it.

If you have a guy saying while he finds the *idea* of X incredibly hot, but he knows it's not exactly the smartest thing on the planet to do, so he creates the illusion of X in ___ way... that's probably less of a problem.

Honestly it's a lot like dating/relationships in general... just with a twist. Make sense?

 

[Syri07]

Yes, thanks... I promise I'm not nearly as big of an idiot as my last post might have sounded. I guess I'm just the type of person to become interested in something an then fully immerse myself in it and learn from the middle instead of at the beginning. (Does that make sense?) But the more I'm reading and looking into BDSM, it's hitting home that this isn't something I can just jump head long into. There are a lot precautions that need to be made. Plus, it's kinda difficult to have a discussion when the person/people who know more about the subject matter are not face to face with you. It's slow moving business. I'm impatient. Hahaha...I learn from experiance and that might not be the best starting point in this situation.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I know that when I first decided that I was submissive and wanted to actively pursue a dominant partner I had no idea what I wanted. All I knew was how I wanted to be made to feel. I wasn't interested in finding out what I wanted. What I wanted was to be made to do what someone else wanted. Make sense?

Well as it turns out, kink is a far broader spectrum of sexual tastes than I previously imagined it could be and had I dived in feet first screaming 'domiate me!' I could have got into serious trouble.

Bottom line is (pun?... what pun?) that in order to be of any material use to a potential dominant partner you must first know thyself. What you enjoy and what manner of submission you're pepared to offer. This requires research. You can google for BDSM checklists that will give you an idea of where you're currently at sexually. Like softouch911 said, there's plenty here to look through and you can do thread searches for specific topics.

Some people love pain, some love the psychological side of D/s (Domination&submission) and others enjoy simply being obedient to another or physically overpowered. Many enjoy all three.

Once you figure out where you want to go with this you can start looking for a partner. Munches are gatherings of local BDSM lifestylers, it's just a few drinks, no fetishwear required. You can google for what's in your area. Most local communities have a website. There are also sites like collarme.com and alt.com where, like here, you can post personal ads. Be aware though that BDSM attracts slightly more than the usual quota of HNGs (horny net geeks) and nutjobs so replies should be screened carefully.

All the best x

 

[Syri07]

Thanks

Thanks again for all the help...

 

[twysted73]

Welcome then!

I'm slowly becoming more and more intrigued by the BDSM lifestyle. I know very little and am interested in learning more; for example, what makes it so interesting to some people, what do you get from it, what have been some of your experiances? You know, things of that nature.

I've been reading some of the stories and perhaps I've been chosing the wrong ones, but much of it seems so violent. Is that the lure? If not, then what is?

I suppose I'm interested because (go figure), I'm trying to learn to let go and be more comfortable being submissive in all aspects of my life.
I'm interested to get some honest takes on it and see if I might like to try it.

No, violence isn't the core. There are many who enjoy the D/s (Dominance and submission) part of the lifestyle and completely ommit the S/m (Sado-massochistic) portions of it.

I've been a continual study of the lifestyle for many years more then I've partissipated (damn my luck in finding a match) and if I had to sum it ALL up in just a few words, it would sound something like this:

"The BDSM lifestyle is taking only what you want from it to feel what you wish to feel. To find your own "happy place" in whatever safe/sane/consentual way you can. And, although not absolutely necessary for A/all, I personally feel that if you're lucky enough to find another out there to discover one another with, consider it the gift it is and explore as much as possible."

That's my very boiled down explination. But I hope it helps.

You will never find a more understanding, loving, caring and thoughtful group of people in any other walk of life. This you'll find as you go. "Jump in, the Bondage's fine."