Interested in feedback

[GaltJohnson]

... for Korina series recently published (In order: Confessions, Observations, Conclusions). Very happy to see that the story has been popular thus far. Curious as to what people liked about it, disliked about it...considering continuing the series.

Thanks!

 

[NotWise]

... for Korina series recently published (In order: Confessions, Observations, Conclusions). Very happy to see that the story has been popular thus far. Curious as to what people liked about it, disliked about it...considering continuing the series.

Thanks!

It would help if you provided a link the the stories.

 

[GaltJohnson]

link for Korina series

https://www.literotica.com/s/korinas-confessions

Meant to post with first message...

 

[LWulf]

Wow, internal chapters within the body of text. Interesting. Those aren't used here often. Let's see how you use them.

"I started to worry a little bit about my desire not to be a slut when coupled with my desire to be sexual."
What confused me about your story is that it started out with this statement. Okay, so she is/has been a slut and now she is concerned about her reputation or some such. What follows suggests that she is anything but a slut. Bear in mind I haven't read your previous stories (which I just noticed you've done). You should either go into greater discourse on what has happened before to give validity to this statement, or simply refer back to previous stories (which some look at as a form of commercialism). Making this statement, then listing how Korina is a recluse, introverted, and unsociable, doesn't equate to the statement of her being a slut.

Side question, in what order do your stories roll out? Aside from date order (which isn't how they are listed), stories are alpha/numerically sorted, so:
Korina's Conclusions (comes first on the list, but "conclusions" suggests it should be last)
Korina's Confessions
Korina's Observations
Something you might want to think about and edit for a different outcome.

You start out the story in an internal dialog-esque fashion and everyone usually suggests past tense is proper, but some things just stick out to me as wrong.
"I wanted to be fingered."
"But every now and then I wanted to feel and touch a guy and I wanted to be touched."
"And I wanted to have a guy go down on me."
I'm not the best person when it comes to tense, but you seem to be trying to express past tense thoughts/ruminations and future tense longings/hopes all at once. It comes across as confusing.

"It just occurred to me, that was something I had not even experienced yet.
Too many adjectives, too many adverbs, just awkward phraseology, I don't know. Something seems wrong here.

The progression of the story seems a little stilted. It starts out with what seemingly seems like "now," then it back-steps to the beginning of college and progresses forward, then back-steps to high school.

You start out a lot of sentences with contractions, which is fine, it isn't as big a sin as we were taught in grade school, but doing it repetitively makes me think it's an error. And most of these sentences would probably start out better if you simply removed them.

"I found myself several times alone at night in my dorm room with my roommate gone out partying, actually masturbating to porn every now and again."
Sentence construction suggests the roommate is masturbating, instead of going out partying, contrary to what you mean to suggest.

"I explained my social life, or lack thereof, in great detail to her. She already knew I had done well and probably always would do well academically."
If the story is being told from the first person, present, then you portray the main character as omnipresent. If you are telling the story from the perspective of the main character retelling her past as from a memoir, then you are expressing it incorrectly.
Everything about this story, tells me using past tense is wrong, but then I'm a radical.

"As soon as we were assigned our first lab and our teacher told us to choose our lab partner, he turned and glanced my way and with a confident smile on my face..."
Again, sentence construction leads you to think the teacher glanced her way. Also, when followed by:
"He briefly gave one of those "Who? Me?" looks as he pointed to himself."
seems to contradict the prefaced "confidence" Chaz supposedly embodies.
Noting it's "our first lab" quickly followed by "lab partner" is too many mentions of "lab" for me.

The whole story up to the point I'm at, reads as internal dialog. So when I see:
"Chaz was pretty good looking, I thought."
...without quotes, then I think adding the tag in is unnecessary. If it had the thought in quotes, would that have been better? meh, I don't think so.

"he was about six foot two inches tall"
First, you say "about" then you give a specific measurement. "About" sounds right, but married to a specific height especially when everyone is seated, makes me think either she was interested in him before everyone sat down (and you didn't give those details), or you're giving unrealistic, excruciating detail.

On the other hand,
"Karen and my Dad were going to grill out for all of us this time."
Who is Karen??? You vary between giving intense detail, and the barest detail

That said, you're not supposed to post stories in the forum beyond 700 words (?) so I imagine you shouldn't post comments on stories in excess of that amount as well. I've hardly gone half a story page, with what looks like a lot more comments for 6 pages yet to be read over. If you'd like to hear more of my thoughts on your story, I'd be happy to share them via PM.
If not, that's okay as well.

Cheers.

 

[GaltJohnson]

I can address a few of those things pretty quickly... the order is Confessions, Observations, Conclusions...I assumed the order was self explanatory after posting the first part since "Conclusions" is in the title of one of the books

Most of the issues you bring up about the tense presented can be explained by two things: 1) at the end of the book you see that Korina is actually writing a book (as in, I wrote the book with the intention of portraying the character...writing a book). 2) I actually had to remove the first five chapters from the original version because Literotica would not publish it with those chapters. They referenced her formative sexual experiences as an 18 year old (nothing distasteful... just their guidelines prohibit references to anything underage, which I understand), and the original version(s) have several flashbacks presented by Korina which dive into her counseling sessions. I excluded those from all three books once I was prohibited from including the formative years, as the story no longer had the same appearance. ... The use of multiple tenses was a result of all those factors, and is intentional.

The use of contractions at the beginning of the sentences is to present a version of the story in the way most people think people speak as opposed to trying to write a fiction story with perfect grammatical structure.

 

[LWulf]

In hindsight I saw your first post and realized I asked what was already said right after my last post. Also, I intuited the order (correctly) of the stories, but another reader might not be that lucky.

In my previous post and this, I'm not speaking about readers who see your post and then know which order to read your stories. Given nothing else, people will simply read stories; top to bottom. If you post the same story titles then give "part" or "chapter" numbers, then the stories will fall out in the order you desire, however you would have to sacrifice individual titles.
Korina part 01
Korina part 02
Korina part 03

I wonder if it could still be creatively manipulated. Accordingly, story titles are mandatorily identical, but I wonder. Alpha numeric sequences are alpha order first, followed by numeric order. In computer language, 1 counts as ten (I can't easily explain why). So, to signify one, you have to preface a zero before it, thus "01." However, what most don't know or understand is that by default it then shifts back to alpha followed by numeric, again. However, it MUST follow the previous sequence first.
Thus,
Korina Pt 01 Confessions
Korina Pt 02 Observations
Korina Pt 03 Conclusions
might work. If I put 01a then it would put all 01b, 01c, etc after that, before shifting to 02a, 02b, 02c etc

Hmm. I'm a radical, so I'd try that.

 

[SimonDoom]

Korina Pt 01 Confessions
Korina Pt 02 Observations
Korina Pt 03 Conclusions
might work. If I put 01a then it would put all 01b, 01c, etc after that, before shifting to 02a, 02b, 02c etc

Hmm. I'm a radical, so I'd try that.

This isn't radical. This is the way most authors here, myself included, do this.

For the number, write "01" rather than "1" just in case you want 10 or more chapters. Otherwise, once you get to chapter 10 they won't be ordered correctly, for the reason LWulf describes.

The ordering proceeds from left to write, so as long as the sequence is number 01, 02, 03, etc. it doesn't matter what the subtitle is.

I don't suggest chapters with 01a, 01b. Nobody does that, and it's unnecessary. Just use numbers followed my subtitles, if you want them. My two series have no subtitles. Keep in mind the 35-character limit severely limits how long your subtitle can be.