Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

[twelveoone]

As a way of an introduction, and for possible amusement, some excepts of correspondence between Pat Carrington and myself:

I had went into a mild rant in a comment about the use of the word "bones", finding it in a lot of poetry by good poets, asking the question if it was recommended in a manual somewhere.

about 'bones' / i think the reason you see the word often is that 'bone' is a rich word, an intense word, that many poets find hard resist / it is used a lot to portray 'depth', something that is done beyond the ordinary, the way you attempt to get at the bones of a poem / i also like it because i like one syllable words and all things being equal will always pick a one syllable word over a larger word / if there is a manual recommending the use of the word 'bones', i haven't seen it /

"all things being equal will always pick a one syllable word over a larger word" it marks you as a true poet. I think I made progress, I am down to two.

The poetry of Pat Carrington has a real sweetness (as in sweet spot, not sugary) and power in it. He has become one of my favourite "linear" poets around here.

One of my major weaknesses is a lack of comprehension as to late 20th century sensibilty. I like reading Pat, (and a quite a few others) because it is easy for me to see how to improve my writing, i.e. oh, so that is how it's done.
(now all that remains, is for me, is to quit joking around, and start doing it)

The other thing I like about Pat is, he humours me rather well; I think he is up to something with "The Vocabulary of Change". I counted the syllables.
We'll see if I'm right, he has graciously offered to explain its inspiration, do a line-by-line on it, and be subjected to questioning.

 

[twelveoone]

The Vocabulary of Change

The Vocabulary of Change
by PatCarrington ©

Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies
in the water, leaking
the letters of perfume
that halt me as i walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating,

spinning the world.

 

[lostandfounder]

All right, I'll bite.

"and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains"

This stumped me. Maybe my thinking processes are a little slow today, but what did you mean?

Also, why did the first two stanzas have such interesting line breaks but the third did not? Was it just the way the poem happend to play out or where you trying to seperate the first three from the last one?

 

[PatCarrington]

he has graciously offered to explain its inspiration,

when i sit to write a poem, there is always an ‘idea in my head’ that has some heat and puts me in the chair. i know a lot of poets sit down cold, but that never seems to work for me.

the idea that sat me down to write this poem, i think, was the thought that it was the ‘little things’ that happen around us unnoticed that are the true marks of alteration. not the cars accidents, but the things that go on in the trees above the crashes.

crooked cars get fixed while birds are born. casts are applied to the broken bones of the driver while a man makes an unplanned stop at a stream to smell a lily, somehow saving his own life by changing where he will be in ten minutes, perhaps between those cars as they smacked.

i watched a terrific movie last week, Amelie, which provided those musings. i recommend you rent it if you have not seen it. in it, a girl is watching television as the death of Princess Diana is being detailed. in her trance, she drops the round top of a perfume bottle and it rolls across the bathroom floor and smacks into the molding under the sink, knocking it off. she reaches her hand in and finds a little treasure box that had been buried by a boy thirty years earlier, which becomes a life-changing event for her.

it was not the death of a future queen that mattered in her world, but an insignificant piece of circular glass rolling across tile.

with that in my mind, i wrote the first stanza, trying to come across with the thought that the most important changes that occur are nearly invisible, and silent.

 

[twelveoone]

Also, why did the first two stanzas have such interesting line breaks but the third did not? Was it just the way the poem happend to play out or where you trying to seperate the first three from the last one?

Two things jumped out at me:
the word "Vocabulary" (I counted), and...

"i watched a terrific movie last week, Amelie, which provided those musings... she drops the round top of a perfume bottle and it rolls...."

"Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies"

...I was wondering where that line came from. "lavender lips of lilies" is a rather unusual phrase.


Restating, and rephrasing L&F's question, these breaks:

"to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn"

"to crumble. Its words

are in the arms"

I have seen them before in a few other poems (here, written by another very good writer), I was always under the assumption, stanza's have a similiar function to a paragraph, can you talk explain why you did this?

 

[PatCarrington]

All right, I'll bite.

"and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains"

This stumped me. Maybe my thinking processes are a little slow today, but what did you mean?

Also, why did the first two stanzas have such interesting line breaks but the third did not? Was it just the way the poem happend to play out or where you trying to seperate the first three from the last one?

Two things jumped out at me:
the word "Vocabulary" (I counted), and...

"i watched a terrific movie last week, Amelie, which provided those musings... she drops the round top of a perfume bottle and it rolls...."

"Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies"

...I was wondering where that line came from. "lavender lips of lilies" is a rather unusual phrase.


Restating, and rephrasing L&F's question, these breaks:

"to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn"

"to crumble. Its words

are in the arms"

I have seen them before in a few other poems (here, written by another very good writer), I was always under the assumption, stanza's have a similiar function to a paragraph, can you talk explain why you did this?

i expect that all of these points will be covered when i do the line-by-line.

if they are not, just chime in.


patrick

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

with that in my mind, i wrote the first stanza, trying to come across with the thought that the most important changes that occur are nearly invisible, and silent.

LINE-BY-LINE///1st STANZA

as i began the first stanza, i was certain of 2 things.

--the poem was going to be about the concept of ‘CHANGE’

--that i was going to have the changes “SPEAK”

i ran through a list of terms of ‘speaking and hearing’ that i might want in the poem somewhere. the words that survived from that list, or were added, are, in order:

ear, tone, hush, hear, whisper, beg, call, echo, word, alphabet, sentence, lips, letters, talk, debate, spin.

then i tried to combine one or more of those words with an image of nearly invisible and silent change. i came up with this.

the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds to break their shells.

i was so happy with that image, i actually tried to force it into another poem that was much further evolved, misplacing it there for a while, and later removing it.

it was obvious to me that those words could not begin the poem. mention of the key word ‘change’ had to occur first.

that thought evolved into:

change teases, tickles the ears
with the tone of hushed feathers.

i decided to separate ‘hush’ and ‘feather’, make them both nouns.

hush and feather became feather and hush. i moved feather in front to be closer to the word tickle. it became:

change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush.

the word hush led me to bring the word silent into the next line. and, the idea that something could be almost silent to the ears, and still as loud (as important) as thunder, juxstaposing two seeming opposites. next evolution.

change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder.

i combined the two completed passages into:

Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells.

“It calls me” is the start of the next image, and was originally the beginning of stanza two. i pulled it up for reasons i will explain later.

if this is not clear, or triggers questions, drop a post in and ask

 

[twelveoone]

I like this, I like this alot, more than I expected, the mind of a excellent poet at work.
Thank you, Pat
I'll hold off on the questions, utill you are done.

 

[annaswirls]

Re: The Vocabulary of Change

Pat this is quite beautiful, magical as life.

I took a class in which we studied the relationship of a person to "You" that relationship we can have with everything, the you relationship of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass. I got this feeling of you in your poem, but you chose to use "it" I hope you don't mind my experiment to see what happens to the poem....if I change the it to you


Thanks for sharing this and for all of your work.



The Vocabulary of Change
by PatCarrington ©
(anna's little experiment)


Change, you tease, tickle the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in your thunder. I hear you
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. You call me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Your words

are the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend beaches. You are work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap chains. You,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

Your sentences are spoken
by lavender lips of lilies
in water, leaking
letters of perfume
that halt me as i walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating.

You spin the world.



This version, to me, at least brings me closer to the change that is You. It makes change feel like something you have a close relationship with--

What do you think?

I would love to share it with my class, with your permission. It is as good as many in our workbook

Thank you for this~

anna

 

[jd4george]

Pat...

As with the previous "Interact Threads", I am enjoying this dissection of you. I believe that as more and more folks read this, they will begin to understand that writing poetry is more than simply scribbling pretty words on a page.

I believe, that by example, you will give them a clue about the fact that a strong poet must be equal parts artist and craftsman. (And you are indeed both).

Sharing the machinations of word choice... order... form... the music inherent in the words... and how it all comes to fruition in the bloody work of revision, is important.

I've been courting the muse of poetry for some time, and I am learning from you. Thank you for that refreshing gift.

Now, pardon me while I got back and sit in my quiet, little corner!

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: The Vocabulary of Change

Pat this is quite beautiful, magical as life.

I took a class in which we studied the relationship of a person to "You" that relationship we can have with everything, the you relationship of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass. I got this feeling of you in your poem, but you chose to use "it" I hope you don't mind my experiment to see what happens to the poem....if I change the it to you


Thanks for sharing this and for all of your work.



The Vocabulary of Change
by PatCarrington ©
(anna's little experiment)


Change, you tease, tickle the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in your thunder. I hear you
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. You call me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Your words

are the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend beaches. You are work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap chains. You,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

Your sentences are spoken
by lavender lips of lilies
in water, leaking
letters of perfume
that halt me as i walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating.

You spin the world.



This version, to me, at least brings me closer to the change that is You. It makes change feel like something you have a close relationship with--

What do you think?

I would love to share it with my class, with your permission. It is as good as many in our workbook

Thank you for this~

anna

anna

i like your 'you' idea very much. and i also like some of the changes you made in conjunction with it very much. others i'm not as fond of.

i'll send you a message about them, and also about use with your class. if i happen to forget, please send me a reminder.

perhaps it would be better to discuss the changes you made on the thread itself. if you think so, let me know.

patrick

 

[annaswirls]

Hey Pat~

I am glad you liked some of my ideas (um Whitman's ideas) and I figured you would not like some or the changes that I felt went along with it, got carried away? hehe trick is figuring out which before posting....

here there anywhere, it is your poem, mister, your call

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

i combined the two completed passages into:

Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells.

“It calls me” is the start of the next image, and was originally the beginning of stanza two. i pulled it up for reasons i will explain later.

if this is not clear, or triggers questions, drop a post in and ask

LINE-BY-LINE///SECOND STANZA

already having an image of a 'living' thing in stanza one, i was searching here for an 'inanimate' image of change. i came up with a few, but the one i thought best was an impending rock slide. i recalled a vacation last year where the pacific coast highway was closed down because of a slide, and i was forced to backtrack and detour, adding three hours to the day's drive.

i also, as in the entire poem, was trying to use some of the "SPEAKING' words i listed above. the first try at the image looked something like this:

it calls me from the rocks
of mountains, balanced
on mud, awaiting
an ocean's breath
to alter their homes.

i was happy with part of the image (the rocks) but unhappy with the idea of a breeze moving them, and that breeze mutated into something more powerful, the hand of god. and i liked the word crumble, which came to mind, very much.

i was also unhappy that i only had one 'speaking' word there, and looked for another. i went through many alterations, until i found this one (with 'echoes'):

It calls me, in echoes,
from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touch
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

the word soft was added in keeping with the ideas of quiet and whispers and teases, etc. from stanza one. the word stubborn was included to add the idea that change is 'persistent'. next evolution:

It calls me,
in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touch
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

as i read, i felt a 'pause' after the word touch over and over, and did not want it there, so i changed touch to touching to fill the gap, though i am still not sure if that is an improvement.

the last thing i did was move It calls me up to the first stanza because, to me, this:


that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains


reads much better than this:


that beg the baby birds
to break their shells.

It calls me,
in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains


for 2 reasons.

1) in the first and better version, the reader's eyes see both It calls me by itself, and also It calls me in soft and stubborn echoes. So it becomes self-reinforcing -- it is there twice without actually being there twice.

2) the first stanza seems to "spill" directly into the second, for unity.

At that point, I was here:


Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

again, if that explanation is unclear, or a question comes to mind, just post it.

 

[PatCarrington]

All right, I'll bite.

"and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains"

This stumped me. Maybe my thinking processes are a little slow today, but what did you mean?

Also, why did the first two stanzas have such interesting line breaks but the third did not? Was it just the way the poem happend to play out or where you trying to seperate the first three from the last one?

lostandfounder,

in the context of the poem, that passage was meant to convey that change will extend itself into the future as well.

the assumption i make is that, in a world where i have to hope that humanity wins out in the end, sooner or later all people will be free -- and that freedom will be attained through words, spoken and written, through the humanity and clemency we (the world) will extend in protest and complaint, and in written agreement to throw all chains into the sea.

as to your second question -- the last stanza is different from the others in that it is specifically about the person in the poem, the writer (which can be seen in the pronouns me, I, my), and i wanted it totally separate from the others. The other stanzas were meant to flow into one another, while the last is meant to be isolated.

i hope that answers your questions properly.

patrick

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

At that point, I was here:


Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

compared to the first two stanzas, the third came rather easily. the feeling and concept was already set.

i just needed images of change, and to figure out how to present them.

i don't remember how many i came up with, but it was a pile.

i chose (1) erosion (2) slavery/freedom (3) springtime


In keeping with the transition from stanza 1 to 2, it became obvious that the lead-in to the 3rd stanza needed to be placed at the end of the second, so the second stanza became:


in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words


.....where all three images of stanza three would be examples of the words of change.

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words


.....where all three images of stanza three would be examples of the words of change.

LINE-BY-LINE///THIRD STANZA


in the third stanza, all three images were meant to be understood as having 'Its words are in' in front of them, those those words only fully appear in front of the initial image.

so this:

Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.


was meant to be understood like this:

Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, its words are in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
its words are in the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.


image 1 - erosion.


i live on the beachfront. after every nor'easter, the shape of the coastline is altered in someway.....bent. when the word bent came to my mind, the alliterative match with beaches seemed obvious.

its words are in the power
of whipping waves
that bend the beaches

was the first try. i wasn't happy, until the word shaping came to mind. again, the alliterative match with salt struck me. it became:

its words are in the power
of shaping salts
that bend the beaches

power mutated into arms and fingers (i don't remember how), but the improvement, the vision of hands bending something they hold, is obvious. so the first image felt completed:

its words are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches,


image 2 - slavery/freedom

i wanted a human image in this stanza somewhere. this image came more quickly. the only words added were clemency of alphabets, getting another speaking word in (alphabets). so:


in the work and sadness
of slaves who know
the world will one day
snap their chains


became:


in the work and sadness
of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains


image 3 - springtime


the concept of rain seemed obvious, though i think it is overused, which forced me to try to find vibrant language so as not to seem worn-out.

i do not remember a previous image, other than the one in the poem. i was happy with the sound of births and bursting next to one another.

i also discovered that the word spring had a double-meaning, and could also be read to mean 'a stream.'


the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.


first three stanzas were done, but a need for one more seemed obvious to me. there was no closure.

first three:


Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

 

[twelveoone]

Re: The Vocabulary of Change

The Vocabulary of Change
by PatCarrington ©

....
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
....
to crumble. Its words

are in the arms
...

Pat, I am satisfied with your explanation of the stanza breaks. I get more of a feeling of "moving right along"; that works for the Change theme, but detracts, for me, the Vocabulary part.
I question the effectiveness of the technique. I would like to see others weigh in on this.

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: The Vocabulary of Change

Pat, I am satisfied with your explanation of the stanza breaks. I get more of a feeling of "moving right along"; that works for the Change theme, but detracts, for me, the Vocabulary part.
I question the effectiveness of the technique. I would like to see others weigh in on this.

1201,

i'm not sure i understand what you mean. if you can clarify, i'll try to address it.

anyone else who wants to weigh in is welcome, naturally.

 

[twelveoone]

Re: Re: Re: The Vocabulary of Change

1201,

i'm not sure i understand what you mean. if you can clarify, i'll try to address it.

anyone else who wants to weigh in is welcome, naturally.

I guess I wasn't too clear, suppose it was written as:
Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells.

It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

as a bad example, or instead as a repeat
....
to break their shells. It calls me.

It calls me,
in soft and stubborn...

When it goes from one stanza to the next like that, I feel like I am running, take a deep breath, run some more. It loses (for me) the effect of linger and savour. Does this make sense?
I accept your explanation of it, I was just wondering how anybody else felt, I don't see the stanzas blended very often.

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Vocabulary of Change

I guess I wasn't too clear, suppose it was written as:
Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells.

It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble.

Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

as a bad example, or instead as a repeat
....
to break their shells. It calls me.

It calls me,
in soft and stubborn...

When it goes from one stanza to the next like that, I feel like I am running, take a deep breath, run some more. It loses (for me) the effect of linger and savour. Does this make sense?
I accept your explanation of it, I was just wondering how anybody else felt, I don't see the stanzas blended very often.

1201,

at one point, the poem WAS structured in that manner. i think it is okay that way also, but i prefer the changes i made.

by isolating the words It calls me and Its words, to, me, it gives them too much importance. also, it would make me wonder why I hear it is not isolated as well, and also Sentences are spoken . to be consistent, i think all 4 would have to be separated.

i appreciate your point of 'linger and savor'. to me, the isolation of a word or phrase makes it stand out so strongly that the reason to do so must be completely beyond question.

i also thought of having no stanza breaks at all, until the final stanza. many poets write in that manner, but it always bothers my eyes when i read, for some reason.

 

[twelveoone]

Stanza breaks

1201,

at one point, the poem WAS structured in that manner. i think it is okay that way also, but i prefer the changes i made.

by isolating the words It calls me and Its words, to, me, it gives them too much importance. also, it would make me wonder why I hear it is not isolated as well, and also Sentences are spoken . to be consistent, i think all 4 would have to be separated.

i appreciate your point of 'linger and savor'. to me, the isolation of a word or phrase makes it stand out so strongly that the reason to do so must be completely beyond question.

i also thought of having no stanza breaks at all, until the final stanza. many poets write in that manner, but it always bothers my eyes when i read, for some reason.

agree with your reasons - they are very good
still I wonder, does this bother anyone else but me?

 

[lostandfounder]

lostandfounder,
i hope that answers your questions properly.

As a matter of fact it did. Thank you very much!

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interact 3 "The Vocabulary of Change" PatCarrington

first three stanzas were done, but a need for one more seemed obvious to me. there was no closure.

first three:


Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

LINE-BY-LINE///LAST STANZA


the final section of the poem was planned out to differ from the rest in one important way -- i wanted it to be 'personal', to connect myself, the writer, to the 'words of 'change'.

i wanted to use as many speaking words as possible, and the final version wound up with 7: sentences, spoken, lips, letters, talking, debating, spinning.

another point i wanted to make clear was how something 'small' (here, the simple smell of a flower) could actually change things, by altering the time structure of a day.

as the writing gets farther away from me in time, i cannot remember the original writing attempts here, so i won't try.

jd4george asked me why i laft the word 'i' in lower case, wondering if i meant to signify myself as small next to the changes described. the fact is that i simply forgot to capitalize it in the final edit. it was a mistake on my part.

the word 'spinning' in the final line was meant to have a double meaning -- both the SPOKEN meaning ( to verbally slant) and also the PHYSICAL meaning (to make happen, or control)

Final stanza:

Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies
in the water, leaking
the letters of perfume
that halt me as i walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating,

spinning the world.


i have since made 3 alterations to this stanza:

-- capitalization of the word I

-- plus two word removals, both suggested by annaswirls -- removing the word the preceding 'water', and also removing the word the preceding 'letters'.

That changes the final stanza to this:

Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies
in water, leaking
letters of perfume
that halt me as I walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating,

spinning the world.


COMPLETED POEM:

Change teases, tickles the ears
in tones of feather and hush, almost
silent in their thunder. I hear it
in the whispers of passing winds
that beg the baby birds
to break their shells. It calls me,

in soft and stubborn
echoes, from the mud
of sliding mountains
where rocks await one touching
from the fingertip of god
to crumble. Its words

are in the arms
and fingers of shaping salts
that bend the beaches, in the work
and sadness of slaves who know
the clemency of alphabets
will one day snap their chains,
the paternity of gentle rain
that births the bursting spring.

Sentences are spoken
by the lavender lips of lilies
in water, leaking
letters of perfume
that halt me as I walk,
talking to my nose, altering
the day,
debating,

spinning the world.





if i forgot to address any questions in the posts above, please remind me.


patrick

 

[twelveoone]

Thank you

Pat, I am sorry I was away.
First let me thank you, for this look inside this construction. A few questions.

Are you always this organized?

Is this the same approach you take to most of your writing?

Or do you sometimes just meander, i.e. just write and then edit to fit what looks like the theme?

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Thank you

Pat, I am sorry I was away.
First let me thank you, for this look inside this construction. A few questions.

Are you always this organized?

Is this the same approach you take to most of your writing?

Or do you sometimes just meander, i.e. just write and then edit to fit what looks like the theme?

1201,

the process only looks organized afterwards, when it is over and can be explained.

the writing itself is free from constraint. when i write, i do not think. i just write.

only the editing takes on that kind of thought and logic. i do large amounts of editing, trying to eliminate redundancy and make each line not only sensible and thematic, but also 'fresh and new.'

in my first drafts, there are always numerous lines and ideas which just get tossed away. i assume that is the case with everyone.

and thank you, for asking me to share this process.

patrick