Intense short story... help and feedback needed

justsexmaam

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Mrs. Lucille Cunningham lives all alone in a large New England mansion. Expecting a special guest, the 51 year-old widow's evening apparel consists of a flattering silken white negligee a choker around her neck formed from a doubled strand of real pearls, and a pair of soft white slippers. Describe construction of dress (http://www.newsgab.com/attachments/celebrity-pictures/244364d1267628932-rosamund-pike-white-dress-negligee-lionel-deluy-photoshoot-2002-pike01.jpg). She takes frequent sips from a large glass of white wine, her clear lip gloss nearly invisible on the rim.

Being so prim and proper in public society, none would have suspected Mrs. Cunningham of sexual deviancy. The anonymity of the internet has allowed Lucille to advertise her various sexual desires online, resulting in a flood of men and women offering to fulfill her primal needs. Per arrangements made earlier in the day by email, Lucille's nameless male guest uses a well hidden spare key to let himself into the house. Hearing the front door unlock and open, the widow Cunningham silently walks deeper and deeper into the mansion. She elegantly drinks from her wine glass along the way.

From time to time Lucille calls out "Follow the sound of my voice young man... Come this way sweetie... almost there honey."

Mrs. Cunningham enters her master bathroom. Leaving the door open, she slides her slippers off her creamy feet. Barefoot now, Lucille glides across the all-tile floor to the shower head hanging from the opposite wall. There are no partitions between the shower and the rest of the bathroom. A circular drain cover is visible in the floor underneath the shower.

The man Mrs. Cunningham has been expecting enters the bathroom. Still holding her wine glass, the older woman turns to face the fully clothed young man. She slowly sips from the glass three times, until it is empty. Lucille places it on a shelf located to one side of the shower head. As agreed, she is the only one to speak.

"Too much wine," she giggles in an intoxicated tone.

Mrs. Cunningham uses both hands at once to slide the silk from her shoulders... causing her entire negligee to float onto the tile. She is not wearing underwear or a bra. Her modest breasts, neck complimented by pearls, and tidy landing strip make her an ideal image of raw, mature sexuality.

The mature woman steps out of her negligee then places one foot on each side of it. Bending her knees ever so slightly, Mrs. Cunningham exhales then let's loose a stream of mostly clear, slightly yellow urine from her pussy. Having been on a rotating diet of wine and water for several hours, Lucille is able to continue her stream at full intensity for almost 20 seconds. Her negligee is drenched. The room is alive with the sound of liquid dripping from floor and clothing into the drain. Lucille moves back from the negligee and descends to her knees.

Confident in what his much older playmate expects of him, the man quickly undresses in the doorway and discards his clothing there. He strides near Mrs. Cunningham, reaches her soaked sex garment, and picks it up with one hand. He brings it to his face and inhales the powerful aroma. The man uses his other hand to grab hold of his cock. He aims it at Lucille and releases a warm river of piss onto the woman's neck and necklace, chest, stomach, and thighs. He is careful not to aim anywhere on Lucille's face. His stream subsides after 15 seconds. Lucille's heart is racing and her loins on fire with intense orgasm. Mrs. Cunningham maintains her calm demeanor and smiles at the man who is hovering above her.

As arranged earlier, the man immediately gets dressed and leaves without saying a word. He takes the wet negligee with him as a souvenir. The sound of a closing front door travels from the front of the house to the bathroom.

"A man who knows how to obey," kneeling Lucille says while rubbing male urine into her pores, "I must remember to play with him again."
 
Not "intense" and not a "story"

For starters: bonus points for linking a pic of Rosamund Pike in a slinky dress. She's the sole reason my TV remote thumb pauses when I stumble over that dreadful DOOM movie late at night.

The rest of your post? Meh. It's not a story. It's a scene, barely, and not an especially well-crafted one. You linked to a picture to depict your heroine's garb rather than describing it yourself and, frankly, that spelled trouble for me as a reader from the start. More generally, because your post has neither plot nor character depth, the only thing left to impress is your prose. It doesn't.
 
For starters: bonus points for linking a pic of Rosamund Pike in a slinky dress. She's the sole reason my TV remote thumb pauses when I stumble over that dreadful DOOM movie late at night.

The rest of your post? Meh. It's not a story. It's a scene, barely, and not an especially well-crafted one. You linked to a picture to depict your heroine's garb rather than describing it yourself and, frankly, that spelled trouble for me as a reader from the start. More generally, because your post has neither plot nor character depth, the only thing left to impress is your prose. It doesn't.

And thus my request for assistance! Let me tackle each criticism in order. My intention is a short story to help people with a pee fetish get a quick release and be able to read all of the story while doing it. Maybe that's more appropriately called a scene than a short story, I don't know. Taking it as a scene... The link is in there precisely because I could not think of a way to describe that kind of fit/cut accurately in words. I obviously have some shortcomings as a writer. Assistance is welcome! I would be very interested in ideas for plot depth. Not so much interested in adding character depth though because I intentionally want them to be two dimensional (as they are to each other). Prose help welcome as well!
 
And thus my request for assistance! Let me tackle each criticism in order. My intention is a short story to help people with a pee fetish get a quick release and be able to read all of the story while doing it. Maybe that's more appropriately called a scene than a short story, I don't know. Taking it as a scene... The link is in there precisely because I could not think of a way to describe that kind of fit/cut accurately in words. I obviously have some shortcomings as a writer. Assistance is welcome! I would be very interested in ideas for plot depth. Not so much interested in adding character depth though because I intentionally want them to be two dimensional (as they are to each other). Prose help welcome as well!

Then, honestly, I wonder what the point is in trying to craft a story? I am of the belief its near impossible to do a stroke and erotica. You can but youll more likely end up pleasing neither sides.

If its hot and fast, go with it. Do the Jane Austen somewhere else.

And maybe Im off here but I cant imagine most strokers seeing to the end. They pop and then itsthanks for the memories.
 
My intention is a short story to help people with a pee fetish get a quick release and be able to read all of the story while doing it. Maybe that's more appropriately called a scene than a short story, I don't know.

What readers require to achieve their particular ends is a matter of personal need. Would this story suffice for you? I have difficulty believing it would.

Taking it as a scene... The link is in there precisely because I could not think of a way to describe that kind of fit/cut accurately in words. I obviously have some shortcomings as a writer. Assistance is welcome!

That particular cut of dress is called a halter dress, though I'm not sure what percentage of your male readers will have that in their vocabulary. Describe it to the best of your ability and let your readers fill in the rest. Writers can obsess over conveying exactly the image in their heads, often when it isn't necessary.

I would be very interested in ideas for plot depth.

Plot is an explanation of why these two particular people are engaging in this act and some sense of what is going to happen as a consequence.

Not so much interested in adding character depth though because I intentionally want them to be two dimensional (as they are to each other).

The characters may be two dimensional to each other, but the reader has to know/care who the characters are in order to connect to their endeavors. You may have some small readership of newly avid piss fetish fans that is focused on the act itself, but the more jaded fetish fans, and the readers at large, will want more than Hose A sprinkling on Recepticle B.

Prose help welcome as well!
Prose is the interesting turn of phrase, the bit cleverness, the imagination, the time and heart you put into what you're writing. If you care about it, you'll try. If you don't, you won't.
 
Paco, thank you for your great new take on Tab A and Slot B but I think it's 'Receptacle B'.

justsexmaam, I don't think you write a story, flash fiction or fetish stroke. Not my bag but, if you want to write a brief fetish story about 'tinkling', do that and don't faff about with description of dresses, widows and suchlike.

In a short piece, aimed at a target audience, concentrate on the activities and scene. You are going too far talking about 'prose'. Just concentrate on vibrant expression of sensation and reaction to the act.
 
I agree with what has been said about plot. You as a writer have a chance to put this scene into context. Why are these two people here, and how believable can you make this encounter, and where does it lead?

But let me take this chance just to say that I dislike the present tense in fiction writing.

Take my challenge and, without changing anything else, go back and re-write the passage you posted here, transforming it into the past tense. Tell me if you don't agree that it reads more naturally, and loses nothing at all.

B
 
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