Instigation and Penetration my first submission

[crazycase]

Hi. I/m new here and new to submitting a story. Here it is love? it hate? let me know
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=335217

 

[slyc_willie]

Second person writing usually turns me off, but I stuck it out to read this. You'll find that a lot of people are turned off by writing in the second person, present tense.

Many of the paragraphs are too large, making them difficult to read. There was also some missing punctuation here and there, especially in the dialogue.

Now, I've been guilty of this in the past, but I no longer do it. "Ahhhh" and "Ohhhhh" is a staple of 'typical' erotic writing. No one wants to be typical.

Overall, it was too short. Not a bad little vignette, but it could do with some editting and attention to grammar and punctuation. And especially attention to the characters themselves. Tell us a little more about them.

Good luck.

 

[crazycase]

That is the first thing I have ever written in second person, just thought I would give it a try. I did find it a bit difficult. You defiantly are right about the paragraphs and punctuation I tend to just sit and type as things come to me, then go back and edit layer. (guess I"m not very goos at it) Thank you for taking the time for feedback, I really appreciate it.

 

[mjl2010]

Ah well.

First of all, this Point of view, second person, is hard to read. Had I just opened this story looking for something to read, I would have back clicked almost right away on that alone and gone looking for something else.

My second problem is that your paragraphs border on being too long. Not like some but close. When you get to the end, the last paragraph is far too long. Thankfully it was the only one like it. Really, you need to keep paragraphs less than ten screen lines. It gets hard not to skim and skip with the length you have on them.

Your dialog needs better punctuation. I think you could use an editor. Avoid stuff like "AAAAARRRHHHH" or things close to that. It gets old fast.

It wasn't too bad actually, all things considered. It's short. Not a story, but a vignette. There's no character development. Could use some.

Welcome to Lit.

MJL

 

[crazycase]

As for the character development I did that purposefully, for the simple reason that it really was the re-telling if a dream. It was one of those you have where the other person is a faceless figment of your subconscious. I am working on a few more stories, thanks for the feedback. It will defiantly be used constructively.

 

[slyc_willie]

As for the character development I did that purposefully, for the simple reason that it really was the re-telling if a dream. It was one of those you have where the other person is a faceless figment of your subconscious. I am working on a few more stories, thanks for the feedback. It will defiantly be used constructively.

I've written stories like that, as well. I wrote one years ago for my wife, essentially a 'what I'm gonna do with you' kind of naughty letter, and originally thought of posting it here as is. But without letting the readers in on the background between us, the story would be stilted and dry.

Best to stick with first or third person. There's much more leeway.