Insecurities

[Kemet]

I am not sure if I am going to be able to even translate this into words, but I'll try, maybe some of my friends here could help me out. anyway...

I am currently engaged to a wonderful woman, who is everything I could hope for in both a lover and (soon to be) wife. Our sexual needs slightly differ, but not to great enough lengths that either of us are not completely satisfied. The only problem that we are encountering is my insecurities about being a good lover. I know that I have alot to learn when it comes to the bedroom, but aside from a few phobias I am trying my absolute best. I have a real problem feeling that I don't deserve her, I feel that I am an inadequate lover. I believe for the most part I think these feelings come from my first GF who told me I was a bad lover, and cheated on me. I was just wondering if anybody had any ideas on how I could get over these feelings.

 

[Artemisia]

Insecurities are never easy to overcome, but have you thought about who it was who first insulted your abilities in bed? Come on, if she was devious enough to cheat, can you really trust her word on something like that? It sounds to me like she was just trying to hurt her and make an excuse for her own actvities. She isn't worth screwing up your current relationship over, and believe me, to much insecurity can do that.

Have you tried talking to your girlfriend? Chances are, she'll disgaree and find your feas groundless. Ask what she thinks you do best, what feels good to her and most importantly, ask her to show you exactly how she likes it.

Ever heard of the saying "'practice makes perferfect?" Read up on those subjects, there's plenty of articles and boards here on Lit as well as other places on just about every sexual practice you can imagine. And then of course, here comes the fun part! If she likes to be eaten out, then by all means, spend an eveing with your face burried between her thighs.

My boyfriend once told me that the most important thing a guy can to to get a girl and hold her is to believe, really believe, that he hot stuff. Tell yourself what a sex God you are. Get a little arrogant if you have too, as long as you keep it under control.

 

[Xt4cY]

I know how you feel, i was never told i was a bad lover, but every girl friend i've had has done the cheating. That problem is on most guys head, but in reality you just have to listen to the lady. If she enjoys it, you're straight. Just be there for her in mind spirit and body and you can't go wrong. She wouldn't be marrying you if you were bad. Communication is the biggest things, talk about what she likes and what feels good. Or even in bed just pay attention to the sounds she makes and how she moves. If you pay attention and learn from it, you'll be everything she wants

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with Artemesia and X...translate your fears into a quest to be the best lover in the world by learning everything you can about your fiancee's body and what she likes. The people who are just plain bad lovers are the ones who have the idea "I can't/won't learn anything new...I'm just bad/good." When my husband gained confidence in his skills and ability to learn, our sex life went from okay to spectacular in no time flat. It's all about the attitude!

 

[assister49]

I am currently engaged to a wonderful woman, who is everything I could hope for in both a lover and (soon to be) wife. Our sexual needs slightly differ, but not to great enough lengths that either of us are not completely satisfied. The only problem that we are encountering is my insecurities about being a good lover. I know that I have alot to learn when it comes to the bedroom, but aside from a few phobias I am trying my absolute best. I have a real problem feeling that I don't deserve her, I feel that I am an inadequate lover. I believe for the most part I think these feelings come from my first GF who told me I was a bad lover, and cheated on me. I was just wondering if anybody had any ideas on how I could get over these feelings.

Communication...communication...communication. Tell her what you just told us and start from there. Time together with and understanding and patient lover will bring you where you need to be. But you can't have your fiance help until she knows what you are going through. Good luck.

 

[Kemet]

Forgot to mention that my SO is aware of my insecurities, and is helping all she can to overcome them. I just wanted to get as help as possible. On a much wierder note( I am ashamed to say) but one of my phobias, is eating a girl out. We are working on overcoming it, but it is not easy. Thanks for all the advice so far.

 

[Noor]

Forgot to mention that my SO is aware of my insecurities, and is helping all she can to overcome them. I just wanted to get as help as possible. On a much wierder note( I am ashamed to say) but one of my phobias, is eating a girl out. We are working on overcoming it, but it is not easy. Thanks for all the advice so far.

If you wish to overcome this then keep trying but I don't believe that a lover must do and be wonderful at everything. For instance, in the past I have liked anal, but I would never expect a man who isn't into it to get into it simply because I like it. I don't like to be tied up, and there is nothing that will make me like it. I will try and tie someone else up if that is what they wish, although I can't guarantee I won't freak out and release them early. I substitute control games that do not involve physical restraints and so far that has worked out fine. Hand jobs are often underrated in comparison to oral but a really good one can be incredible, oral and hand is wonderful too.
I think people get caught up in specific practices and sometimes lose some of the fun, adventure and pleasure of sex.

Going down on a woman is easier if there is less pressure and more fun. Covering her with whipped creme or something and licking it off can be fun, just watch out for high sugar items, I swear they give you yeast infections. Trying it in the shower where the water is pouring down too can be helpful although if you really get going it can be a bit dangerous too. Start with your hands, and then add your tongue.

hth

 

[SweetSnaffle]

Kemet, are there things that you would like to try that you never got around to doing with your ex? Maybe try those things out

As for the specific phobia of eating a girl out (i hate that term, makes me feel like a filled pastry!) just muck around in the general area, legs, belly, and advance and retreat until you feel comfy (not all in the one session unless you feel mighty brave!) cause a girl can tell when you don't want to be there.

You sound lovely, and to come out and ask for help on such a personal issue, well, you sound pretty damn courageous too. I don't know how your lovemaking will turn out, but you sound like a catch and a half She is one lucky woman

 

[Kemet]

Please forgive my crassness(spellling?) just the first name that came to mind. No offense intended towards anyone.

 

[SweetSnaffle]

LOL, nah, its just me common term, certainly no need to apologise

 

[Ansi]

As for the specific phobia of eating a girl out (i hate that term, makes me feel like a filled pastry!)

"Hey! Where's the cream filling?"

*runs and hides*

 

[Metal_Monkey]

Ask her to be more vocal in bed. There's nothing like immediate verbal confirmation that you're doing the job right. If she's not a vocal lover, then encouraging her to moan and groan her way to ecstasy could be very liberating (for her). If she's already got that part covered, ask for specifics during lovemaking (i.e., "To the left... Perfect!" or "Nibble me the way you did last night."). That kind of talk lets you know you're doing it right, and you'll be more confident for it. And don't be afraid to ask questions ("What if I kissed you... here?"). That's hot.

 

[ReadyOne]

Or just have her describe what's happening or what she's feeling. "Oh you're sucking my clit!" ... "You spread me so wide when you thrust" ... "That's my G-spot you're hitting" ... "I'm going to cum, I'm cuming!"

 

[Guest]

 

[SXCRgirl]

Going down on a woman is easier if there is less pressure and more fun. Covering her with whipped creme or something and licking it off can be fun, just watch out for high sugar items, I swear they give you yeast infections.

I agree with Noor. However, you can substitute the high sugar items with ice. I find that it works well for certain situations. Don't shock her by directly putting the ice on her without her knowing as it could be a deal breaker, or something funny. Put the ice in your mouth and gently kiss her with a cold tongue and lips. Let her get used to the cold ... and then carefully include the ice cube as you go down on her. The ice cube will melt due to heat generated by your combined passion.

Good luck!