Insecurities or valid intuition of a girlfriend?

[WomanInProgress]

Hi again to the helpful people here!

After getting some good input on my post, I'm posting again here on behalf of a girlfriend who is in some sort of a quagmire at the moment and I really don't know what to tell her anymore.

She met a guy about 2 month ago on an online dating site (which might explain some her insecurities). As she told me, the man is not much of a communicator in the first place and about 3 weeks after meeting, including having had sex, he told her he's getting back with his ex.

Two weeks later, however, he was literally on his knees asking her to take him back, it is NEVER going to work with the ex. Against better knowledge she did.

So far so good, now he is out of town on two very stressful projects with an almost impossible dead line. She told me they usually talk at least every morning, most days he calls her as well during the day. Now, has only txted her yesterday morning, not called again during the day, not replied to a txt she send him this morning and not answered his phone when she called him later during the day.

People, she is sitting here almost crying and worrying that there is something wrong, as it is so unlike him not to even call.

I personally think it is due to the stress with these projects. As she says he does not really talk much personal things but mostly about work and small talk, and now with all that overwhelming stress does not want to talk about it and is kind of at a loss what else to talk about.

Now she insist, that he always talks to her during the day, and I'm at a loss as I have met him only once in a social setting, so really don't know him at all.

So to all you kind and smart people here, especially the guys, is my estimation reasonable, would you simply not call if work stress is getting too much for you? Keep in mind its only been a couple of months. Or is her "feeling" more likely to be valid that something is up with the ex again?

Any of the ladies have found themselves in a similar situation? What did you do? What was the outcome?

I'm really at a total loss here and it hurts me to see her so distraught.

Thanks much in advance for your input.

 

[DuckLover]

Stress or Disinterest

From what you said, it sounds like he's only skipped the phone calls for a couple of days. If he's out of town and dealing with massive work stress, I'm inclined to say it's just that he's busy. Point out that he did at least text her; it's not like he's ignored her completely. Remind her that a common mistake early in a relationship is to smother the other person or, conversely, to expect them to talk to you constantly. Encourage her to text back something supportive and sympathetic to his work stress, and then to -- NICELY -- mention that she misses their daily talks. She can then ask him when would be a feasible time for them to schedule a call.

That's not to say there aren't some red flags here. Separate from this trip is the yo-yo reconnect with the ex.

 

[CasualLurker]

I've been in work situations like that before. Sometimes you actually have to speed walk to the bathroom, do your business as fast as possible, half ass wash your hands, and get back to your desk worry if it was worth it....and even all that had to be planned to impact things as little as possible.

I say she should chill the f out. A freaking out needy woman is not what most men are needing in the life or wanting to deal with when they're swamped and exhausted.

 

[SweetErika]

I totally get what the guys above are saying, and have certainly lived it with my husband's job.

However, I think there definitely IS something to intuition, it sounds like there are red flags all over this guy/the relationship, and it's not tough or time consuming to call or text something like "honey, I'm super busy and will have to get back to you in a few days" to a significant other. I mean that takes less than a minute, and he could do it while he's going to the bathroom or doing something else! So, I'd be inclined to think she's not very important to him and/or he's spending that time communicating with his ex or someone else, you know?

I'd probably tell her to trust her gut and disengage from the relationship enough to not be upset over his lack of communication. In reality, if travel and/or stress is part of his job and he's not communicating a couple of months into the relationship when it's fresh and supposedly exciting, it probably won't get better in the future unless he's inclined to change. Maybe he just doesn't realize she's hurting, and she needs to communicate her needs (in a nice, non-needy way, of course! ), but my personal feeling is that he'd find a way to get back to her if he really cared, regardless of his schedule and stress level, you know?

 

[WomanInProgress]

Hi guys, thanks for your posts.

Here's a brief update: She called me this morning that she got him on the phone this morning, totally hung over, smile. What he obviously did not tell her before is that some friends from abroad are visiting where he is on these projects. Obviously he's out partying with them all night additionally to the overwhelming workload!

Reading your posts here, she however got Sweet Erica's point, that she is obviously not as important in his life as he is in hers.

That said, she now has another 10 days to sort through her feelings about it and thanks you all very much for the input.

 

[subwannabe]

Women get so emotional. She needs to get her head screwed on better. This relationship is only two months old and she's devestated over this like it's been a five year relationship? There are red flags all over the place. She needs to wake up, see all of these red flags, and dump this guys ass. He's a loser and she's a loser if she doesn't want more out of life than this. He's not a good communicator, he dumped your friend to get back with his ex, only to come back crawling on his knees, only to leave town with no communication other than one where he has a hangover? Hello!!!!!

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

do what he says

It is very, very difficult to find compatible partners when the introductions and getting acquainted are face to face. It is virtually impossible to do so when part of that process is not face to face. It would take me about ten minutes to decide to have nothing whatever to do with a potential friend, lover, mate, or whatever else for which I search if the candidate does not do what they say they will do when the say they will do it. I don't care if the weight of the world is on their shoulders do they call when they say the will call? If not, all the wishing and hoping in the world will not make a good person out of a dud.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

...

So to all you kind and smart people here, especially the guys, is my estimation reasonable, would you simply not call if work stress is getting too much for you? Keep in mind its only been a couple of months. Or is her "feeling" more likely to be valid that something is up with the ex again?

Any of the ladies have found themselves in a similar situation? What did you do? What was the outcome?

I'm really at a total loss here and it hurts me to see her so distraught.

Thanks much in advance for your input.

There's at least half a chance the problem isn't "him," but her. He may be a cad, just out for a booty call and wanting to put in as little work as required to keep the door open. Some guys are like - they seem to collect willing women, stringing them along as much as needed to keep them in their stable. I've known other guys who adopt a similar profile when they break-up with a girl, but then want her back when she starts dating someone new. It's as if these kinds of guys are saying, "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her, either." He could be either one of these sorts of guys.

<b>OR...</b> Your girlfriend is a bit off her rocker. Considering how this guy has already treated her ... dated her, broke it off to be with his ex, left ex to get with her... Is it possible she's clinging to someone who isn't worth it? Or, maybe it's precisely as he portrays. He's still mentally/emotionally messed up from his ex, he's busy as hell at work, he likes your g/f, but is unsure... and when she pushes, he pulls back.

Get her a copy of "Hold On Loosely" by .38 Special - listen, repeat.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I really have to agree with Sweet Ericka. It doesn’t take but 20 seconds to text. “Busy. miss you. Will call when I get a chance.” Actually I just timed myself and it took less than that.

Now that being said, it is a matter of priorities and she obviously doesn’t rank very high on his list. Whether she should or not after such a short period of time is a matter up for debate. I have found that most people who claim that you do mean so much after such a short period of time are often misguided and the quickest to walk away.

It sounds like maybe she needs to listen less to what he says (and in the future possibly what others say) and pay more attention to what he does. Actions always speak louder than words.

Good luck to her.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Love is Tough

I think Erika has it right on point. I am a workaholic who loves his job and travels extensively - it's not unusual for me to be working every waking hour of the day, while doing the planes, trains, and automobiles thing. But, it takes me less then one minute to text "Lover, the world has gone insane, I will call you Saturday from the yurt in Outer Mongolia."

But, before you pull the plug on him I would advise her to do one thing - take a deep breath, get through the day, and then when the time comes, have the "communication" protocol conversation and set your and his expectations. I make it clear that "unless you tell me its an emergency, then I will respond to you when I can". In exchange for which, if she texts or calls and says the magic words, I will stop whatever I am doing and call or text. Consider it like setting the relationship safe word for texting and calling. Best of luck. Love is tough.

 

[Goey]

She's making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Her issue isn't the relationship it's her insecurities needing him to constantly re-confirm his interest in her.

 

[subwannabe]

I think everyone is at least partly correct. Yes, his communication sucks and yes she seems very insecure and probably has self esteem issues. I still stand by a previous post though where there have been enough red flags that a normal woman should have dumped his ass wanting better for herself. I think this is where her self esteem and insecurity issues come into play. To get this worked up over a 2 month long relationship and to not dump his ass over the red flags seems to show that this woman doesn't aspire to anything better than what she has.

 

[satindesire]

Pretty much everything I wanted to say has already been said, but I want to add this.

He may be okay, and she may be okay, but I don't think these two people together are healthy.

You can't have a clingy girl with an emotionally unavailable guy. It just will not work out for either of them.

Clingy girls need to get with clingy guys. Emotionally unavailable people need to get a dog. Now everyone's happy!

 

[IrishEyes80]

Clingy girls need to get with clingy guys. Emotionally unavailable people need to get a dog. Now everyone's happy!

Totally true!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Sadly

Sadly, my dog left with my last clingy girlfriend.

 

[blulilacgrl]

What is clingy?

Can I say one thing here? And I know I am probably opening a whole kettle of fish, can of worms, etc... lol

But I find it interesting that expecting daily communication from someone you are involved with is somehow clingy. I think we all have certain things that we consider important criteria for a relationship. For some it is daily contact and even that can be different~ i.e. verbal, text, telephonic, or physical. For others it may be monetary gifts or acts of sacrifice.

For example... I will admit that I am a big time communication person. And I have valid past experiences and reasons for communication to be my hot button issue. But more importantly I don't think it is clingy to expect that someone I am involved with to be sensitive to my needs in a relationship.

I don't need you to shower me with lavish gifts or take me out or even physically be at my side that often. But i do need somewhat regular communication (and admittedly more regular the more serious the relationship). I don't think that makes me clingy, it just makes me... me. Take me or leave me. (Luckily I have people in my life who figure I am worth the effort... and those who don't? Eh, their loss.)

Does this woman need constant contact and perhaps daily affirmation? maybe...probably. Although, I would think during this short period, and judging from the fact that before this incident he was happy to provide it, that he was aware of this need. If this need of hers is such a problem, he needs to either A) address it and work out some type of compromise or B) explain that he cannot fulfill this need and move on. But to simply ignore her (and her needs) is childish and rude. Especially given the plethora of communication modes available in this day and age.

Actually I feel that they both need to work on their communication skills! But hey, that's just me!

 

[satindesire]

Can I say one thing here? And I know I am probably opening a whole kettle of fish, can of worms, etc... lol

But I find it interesting that expecting daily communication from someone you are involved with is somehow clingy. I think we all have certain things that we consider important criteria for a relationship. For some it is daily contact and even that can be different~ i.e. verbal, text, telephonic, or physical. For others it may be monetary gifts or acts of sacrifice.

For example... I will admit that I am a big time communication person. And I have valid past experiences and reasons for communication to be my hot button issue. But more importantly I don't think it is clingy to expect that someone I am involved with to be sensitive to my needs in a relationship.

I don't need you to shower me with lavish gifts or take me out or even physically be at my side that often. But i do need somewhat regular communication (and admittedly more regular the more serious the relationship). I don't think that makes me clingy, it just makes me... me. Take me or leave me. (Luckily I have people in my life who figure I am worth the effort... and those who don't? Eh, their loss.)

Does this woman need constant contact and perhaps daily affirmation? maybe...probably. Although, I would think during this short period, and judging from the fact that before this incident he was happy to provide it, that he was aware of this need. If this need of hers is such a problem, he needs to either A) address it and work out some type of compromise or B) explain that he cannot fulfill this need and move on. But to simply ignore her (and her needs) is childish and rude. Especially given the plethora of communication modes available in this day and age.

Actually I feel that they both need to work on their communication skills! But hey, that's just me!

The issue was not that she expected daily communication of some sort.

The OP said "People, she is sitting here almost crying and worrying that there is something wrong, as it is so unlike him not to even call."

Crying and worrying that there's something "wrong", I.E. something wrong with HER, is the clingy part.

Worrying if he's safe is one thing, but crying about not getting a text for a day? That's going to mark a lot of people's boxes as clingy.

 

[blulilacgrl]

The issue was not that she expected daily communication of some sort.

The OP said "People, she is sitting here almost crying and worrying that there is something wrong, as it is so unlike him not to even call."

Crying and worrying that there's something "wrong", I.E. something wrong with HER, is the clingy part.

Worrying if he's safe is one thing, but crying about not getting a text for a day? That's going to mark a lot of people's boxes as clingy.

While I can see where you are coming from, there is also this part of me that feels like this is a dynamic that he set up as well because... and please bear with me as math is really not my strong point lol but if I have done the math correctly. For three weeks he has maintained at bare minimum a twice daily mode of communication. And I would assume that they see each other physically as well since the poster said she met him at a social gathering.

The poster has also stated that this is a relationship, not a casual friendship or even FWB relationship. So I don't necessarily feel like it follows like she is automatically clingy because she is upset or worried (and she didn't actually say that the woman felt there was anything wrong with HER, just that there was something wrong. That something wrong feeling could have been the feeling that he was resuming contact with his ex or possibly something else).

Also it wasn't just one day, again if my math is correct it was 2 days (I know, I know whoopee de doo.lol) BUT again... when you go from near constant contact to nothing in close to 48 hours, I can kinda understand her having a 'WTF' reaction.

I say kinda because I have seen some women freak out if they haven't received a response from someone within an hour of a phone call or text and then began blowing up that person's phone. That to me is clingy. lol. Being a little emotional and going to your friend and saying that you are upset because of XYZ, eh not so much. I mean isn't that what friends are for?

Perhaps clingy like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, eh?

 

[subwannabe]

I worked with this one older lady once who (I'm not kidding) litterally had a nervous breakdown one day because her son had called her at work on the phone and when he hung up he didn't tell his mom that he loved her. She literally broke up, had to be helped down to a chair, and had to go home early because she was crying hysterically. I wish I could say that there was something more to their conversation than there was, but there wasn't. They had just chatted about something fairly unimportant and he had just merely forget to tell her that her loved her, which I guess was their regular routine. Geeeeeeeeeez.

 

[WomanInProgress]

Hi again everybody, my friend thanks you all for your input, she has busily followed it up.

I recommended she signed up here herself and shes' considering it, smile.

One thing though she'd like to have pointed out: He was the one who established the communication pattern and usually called her, meaning the change in the communication pattern was the reason for her concern.

However, whether it has to do with the ex, his working hard plus partying with his friends visiting, she is in the process, so far successfully, to distance herself some, as it is obvious that she is not as important for him as he is/was for her.

Thanking you all again for your kind input!

 

[EroticApology]

Blu I couldn't agree with you more. I don't feel she is clingy at all, she is simply reacting to the fact that the routine of their relationship has changed. Most women know that when men change their routine its a red flag to question if their partner is cheating. This scenario is no different from any other relationship.

Tell her to dump this guy because she's his rebound relationship. His emotions are all over the place and he doesn't know what he wants right now...which is why he went back to the ex. She will never be number one priority right now because she might be the ideal woman for him, but because he's not in the right place mentally he will never treat her the proper way he should because he has yet to deal with the break up with his ex.