Inner World

[Sleen&Jaynit]

Okay, so here's the one forum I refuse to spam, because to me, it's a good spot. No offense... just is. Just felt aggravated at life, and had to vent. So here you go. Hope you guys don't wish death on me. At least I'm showing you I've got more in common with you than I think. That I am a living, breathing soul. Anywho.

Inner World

Welcome to my little world,
The place that time forgot.
The place where someone actually cares.
Or cared, until life fucked me up.
Welcome to my little reverie,
My little place of comfort,
Where peace abounds,
And no one has to worry.
Welcome to that little place that
The world killed long ago.
Welcome to my spot,
The place that is now tainted by incomprehensible hurt.
Come on in, the water's fine.
Or was, until you pissed in it.
Come on and play with me,
Enjoy my silence, enjoy my pain.
For this world is no longer mine.
This world belongs to you, now,
Since you use it more than I do.
You rip and tear me apart,
Making me die.
Well, have your fun!
Go on! Don't let me ruin it.
For certainly my pain should please someone.

 

[Sins666]

You rip and tear me apart,
Making me die.

Those two lines the poem could do without me thinks. Other than that you did a fine job. I nearly choked on the sarcasam.

See:

Inner World

Welcome to my little world,
The place that time forgot.
The place where someone actually cares.
Or cared, until life fucked me up.
Welcome to my little reverie,
My little place of comfort,
Where peace abounds,
And no one has to worry.
Welcome to that little place that
The world killed long ago.
Welcome to my spot,
The place that is now tainted by incomprehensible hurt.
Come on in, the water's fine.
Or was, until you pissed in it.
Come on and play with me,
Enjoy my silence, enjoy my pain.
For this world is no longer mine.
This world belongs to you, now,
Since you use it more than I do.
You rip and tear me apart,
Go on! Don't let me ruin it.
For certainly my pain should please someone.

I dont know...seems to close better to me without them and keeps the flow too.

 

[Sleen&Jaynit]

You know, I do think you're right. It does seem to flow better that way.