Initiating intimacy

[nyrgoal99]

done

deleted

 

[fuckmeat]

Sounds like she now views every cuddle as an attempt to initiate more. You should maybe ease back on trying to fool around and allow her to feel that she can be affectionate without turning you on and then having to turn you down.

Are your parents that strict or does she just not like the idea of being caught? Could you not arrange to have the house for an evening, for a date night or something? If there really isn't anywhere you can sneak off to, why not split the cost of a cheap motel room, just so you can relax together and reconnect.

Why is it becoming more difficult to get some alone time? Presumably you guys have been together for a while without this being an issue? Do you have a wedding date yet or a concrete timeframe for getting married and moving in together?

I don't want to alarm you but if she's totally uninterested in affection and intimacy, even just kissing and cuddling, you should be concerned about that. It could be that she's having second thoughts about the wedding. It could be regular jitters that will be overcome in time. Only talking to her about it will enlighten you.

 

[ella_v]

Yes, fuckmeat is right. If you want to overcome this problem, you will have to talk with her. As long as you don't fully understand her position you will only guess and maybe even do the wrong thing.

An open honest chat is the best you can do in my opinion.

 

[old_scratch]

My financee and I both still live at home. More and more we have had a problem finding time to fool around ect. I am more ok with just being quiet and having some fun while she is not into doing anything if anyone is even in the house, even late at night. I feel everything is like college where people are always around and you make due, but she does not feel this way. She tells me I go way too quickly, but to me, even when i put my arm around her at night she starts to figure that I want to do stuff and just pushes me away. Not sure how to deal with this.

Thoughts

It sounds like your finance is developing a 30 year headache, (not tonight honey, I have a headache). If this is the case, you will be well advised to have second thoughts about marrying this woman. Loving a woman is not enough if she is going to deny intimacy throughout the marriage.

You need to sit down with your finance and have a very blunt conversation, a conversation where you ask the questions, and she gives the answers. If she feels no real need for intimacy, or if she feels less need for intimacy than yourself, then you need to cut the strings now and move on. It’s going to hurt, but divorce hurts a lot worse, especially if you have children.

If she says that she wants intimacy as much as you, then she is going to have to prove it before you say I Do” . Once you say I Do, your relationship becomes a legal contract, a legal contract that can only be dissolved by lawyers and courts, and that is no fun. Damned expensive too.

If you have any doubts about how this marriage will be in the long-term future: live with her, but don’t marry her until you are absolutely sure this is the right woman for you. People get married for many different reasons, sometimes the wrong reasons, and just because you made a commitment to marry this woman, doesn’t mean you follow through if this is not the right woman.

While thinking about her future with you, think about your own future with her. Lack of intimacy is probably the second leading cause of divorce, conflicts over finances being the first.

 

[subwannabe]

To me the problem is simple. You just get a new fiancee. Seriously, having people around does make it more difficult, but, you are right, somehow or other you make due. Talking and communication is the key but if that doesn't work you need to seriously rethink this relationship. Things don't get better after marriage, they get worse, especially when kids come. Once you have children you will be getting the exact same thing you are getting now, that's assuming you work through this current problem.

 

[fuckmeat]

It's possible she's just intimidated by the current circumstances. Young women generally take longer to be comfortable with sex and intimacy than young men do. I think it's a bit unfair on the poor girl to assume she's going to have a '30 year headache' just because she's dealing poorly with sneaking around.

There's a difference between intimacy and affection. She may have withdrawn affection because she think you'll want sex every time and if so, you need to calm yourself a bit and remedy that. She needs to feel safe around you and not constantly pressured or that she can't even hold your hand without giving you an erection. That may well be the case but it doesn't mean you can expect sex every time you have contact with the girl. If she's become totally unable to be affectionate than you should be concerned about that.

You basically have to man up and talk to her. If you're mature enough to marry her, you should be mature enough to ask her how she's feeling and encourage her to discuss her problems and fears with you. If you really can't bring this issue up in conversation, you're probably racing down the aisle too soon.

And if you're rushing into marriage because your religion prohibits pre-marital sex, you need to sit your ass down and have a long discussion with yourself about what your true motivations are here and how compatible you see yourself with this girl in the long term.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Yup! As the others have said, go somewhere and have an intimate chat about your circumstances and find out why she pulls back even at PG intimacy. I highly doubt that either of your parents are naive enough to think that you've not been sexual with each other, and seeing as how you're engaged, I can't see how they'd have a problem with you openly showing affection to each other. Sure, they'll probably go ballistic if they caught you boffing on the couch, but from your post, that isn't what we're talking about.

You need to express to her that showing open affection is not a precursor to getting laid. Cuddling on the couch in front of the tv is not a precursor to getting laid.

A hand job as you pass each other in the hall IS a precursor to getting laid!

 

[ella_v]

To me it looks like you two need to get together and talk about what you two expect from your relationship and what you want from your partner. It is not very advisable to walk down the aisle just to discover in the end that you had different expectations. There are always ups and downs in a relationship, you guys just have to make sure that you are still chasing the same dream.

She has to understand that when you show affection that she does not have to spread her legs in the end. But you have to accept as well that you will not get laid all the time when you two are alone.

Try to understand her and give her the chance to understand you and your needs. Otherwise both of you will be lost and unsure about the other for as long as you are together.

 

[Tetriak]

My financee and I both still live at home. More and more we have had a problem finding time to fool around ect. I am more ok with just being quiet and having some fun while she is not into doing anything if anyone is even in the house, even late at night. I feel everything is like college where people are always around and you make due, but she does not feel this way. She tells me I go way too quickly, but to me, even when i put my arm around her at night she starts to figure that I want to do stuff and just pushes me away. Not sure how to deal with this.

Thoughts

I may be in the minority, but isn't the real problem that you both live at home?

Wouldn't the demonstration of some modicum of independence be a reasonable prerequisite for embarking (or at least declaring the intent of embarking) on a serious interpersonal relationship?

I also suspect that this particular relationship may have run its course, and neither party quite knows how to end it.

 

[JessiePi]

I can try and enlighten u on how she might be feeling. I have been married for almost 2 years, but before I married, my husband and I had a very similar problem. It was not that I wasn't interested in him or in being intimate with him, but I was noticing that the only times I was shown affection (even something so small and meaningless as running his fingers up and down my arm or playing with my hair while we watched tv) was when he was trying to get some. I absolutely love cuddling and touching, but when the only time you get that attention is when your man is attempting to have sex, It's easy to assume you know his intentions, even if they are innocent. Idk if I'm rambling or making sense, but I think if u show her attention and affection without it always turning into something more, she will be much more comfortable and receptive. At least that was my experience. Good luck <3

 

[nyrgoal99]

Wowowowo

 

[Tetriak]

We are both living at home so we have more money when we get married and can get a house.

Im not into being a debt slave.

Ah, yes, the American dream. Yours is a noble position, but probably somewhat unrealistic.

Debt, in and of itself, is not an evil to be avoided at all costs. Debt is a tool, and like many other tools it can become dangerous if used incorrectly.

Living beyond one's means is the thin ice that leads to ruin. The trick is to manage your expectations, determine what things are important to you, and then find away to balance and live accordingly. Sustainability is the key.

The same advice applies to your relationship.

If I were in a relationship that may be fizzling out (i.e., maybe she's not that into you anymore yet feels uncomfortable expressing it in that parlance), then I would be wary of getting married and buying a house.

I doubt buying a house - which likely involves the stressful experience of incurring a 30 year mortgage - is the key to saving your relationship.

 

[Annabell4you]

As a mother of three... I totally agree. If she's worried about parents, kids are even more to worry about. Parents don't tap on your arm in the middle of the night...

To me the problem is simple. You just get a new fiancee. Seriously, having people around does make it more difficult, but, you are right, somehow or other you make due. Talking and communication is the key but if that doesn't work you need to seriously rethink this relationship. Things don't get better after marriage, they get worse, especially when kids come. Once you have children you will be getting the exact same thing you are getting now, that's assuming you work through this current problem.

 

[subwannabe]

I can understand you living at home to accumulate enough money for a down payment on a real house. A very noble goal. I am not really understanding by what you refer to as being a "debt slave". In fact, buying a home can be argued as turning you into a debt slave, although if you have equity in the home you could counter argue that you really aren't in debt. Anyway, I'm not sure where you made this jump. Whether you buy a house or not, you are going to have to pay either a mortgage or rent no matter what, assuming you actually do move out on your own - unless you happen to save up enough money to buy a house outright. I'm just not sure where the debt slave comes in because if you can't afford a mortgage or rent right now without going into debt, then you're not going to be able to afford it later either, unless you have a change in income. The only other possibility I can think of is you save up enough money to temporarily live on for a while when you get your own home but if you are spending more money than you are taking in that won't last long. I'm not really sure when your marriage fits into all this but this whole situation is something you need to somehow work out, BEFORE YOU TIE THE KNOT. Don't just assume it is all going to work out after marriage and you have your own place.

 

[jezbel]

I can try and enlighten u on how she might be feeling. I have been married for almost 2 years, but before I married, my husband and I had a very similar problem. It was not that I wasn't interested in him or in being intimate with him, but I was noticing that the only times I was shown affection (even something so small and meaningless as running his fingers up and down my arm or playing with my hair while we watched tv) was when he was trying to get some. I absolutely love cuddling and touching, but when the only time you get that attention is when your man is attempting to have sex, It's easy to assume you know his intentions, even if they are innocent. Idk if I'm rambling or making sense, but I think if u show her attention and affection without it always turning into something more, she will be much more comfortable and receptive. At least that was my experience. Good luck <3

I totally agree. If she feels pressured she's gonna be more likely to reject you. Wine, dine and relax her, and take her to a cheap hotel for the night where she can be as noisy as she wants. I too agree that sex in parents houses (even my partner's parents who are really liberal and relaxed) is really inhibiting.

Its socially programmed into women to be more modest and less sexual than men, so you getting caught is not half as bad for you as her getting caught is for her. Its horrible but its true. Away from the liberal land of Literotica, we live in a sexist society.

Don't just give up and get rid of her like everyone else is suggesting. You're engaged, so there must be something there, and you never said you weren't in love with her anymore. I'm pretty certain that you can fix it if you try.

But, yeah, nothing's gonna be 100% great until you have your own place anyway. Thats just the way it is.

Good luck