Information Needed

[SmilinAngel]

Okay, so I need some help. This is kinda sticky situation for me. I am engaged and while looking for dirty laundry - like 10 minutes ago - in my fiances closet, I found a pair of size 10 spiked heels, a plaid skirt, a white collered tie-up shirt, and a 34B bra from Victorias Secret in a zipped up bag. At first, I thought that he had gotten them for me as a surprise, but I don't wear a size 10 ... I'm a 7.5. And the shirt is TINY. So, I think he cross-dresses and has never told me. So, heres the issue, my father used to, and I've know ever since I was little. I associate cross-dressing with my father and it gives me a huge ew-factor ... I mean, that's my father. But I'm not sure how I feel about my fiance doing it. I mean, it has no sexual appeal for me, and I think I could handle if it was just cross-dressing, but I'm afraid that it may be indicative of other behaviors, like gay or bi tendencies. I don't have anything against gay or bi people, but I don't want to marry a man and then find out 5 years later that he wants to be with a man. I thought maybe it was an ex-girlfriends, but a size 10? Though not impossible, it is unusual for a woman. I'm not sure if it his though, because the shirt is TINY ... I don't even think it would fit me ... though I didn't try it on ... So, I guess what I am wondering is what are the general appeals of cross-dressing, and if it is usually coupled with other behaviors, or if it is simply cross-dressing. If you could share similar experiences or personal experiences, that would be a big help! The wedding is planned for July, so I gotta figure out how I feel soon ... any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

frankly, I dont really know much about your relationship wtih your fiancee, but as wtih most things, I suggest talking to him. There's a million and one different reasons that those clothes are in there. Only one way to really find out, ask him. And if he is crossdressing, ask him all those questions you just asked here. I know it isnt an easy situation to bring up wtih someone, but you need to think about how trusting your relationship is going to be in the end if you dont keep communication open.

 

[trinityjons]

I wear a size 10 shoe. It isn't unusual, uh, they are stocked in all the stores, it isn't like you have to custom order them! Anyway, Size 10 womens is roughly equivalent to size 8.5 Mens, so if you know what size your fiancee wears then you can tell if it's possible for him to fit the shoes.

You've already said he wouldn't fit in the shirt though. Why don't you just ask him about it before you start jumping to conclusions.

 

[Noor]

(snip)I found a pair of size 10 spiked heels, a plaid skirt, a white collered tie-up shirt, and a 34B bra from Victorias Secret in a zipped up bag. (snip)
And the shirt is TINY. So, I think he cross-dresses and has never told me. s

Okay what size are you finances suits?

34's?

could he even get into the shirt?

are his feet size 8 in mens shoes?

If these things are true maybe you should wonder.

I recommend asking him, if you are planning on marrying you need to know first.

 

[SmilinAngel]

Thanks everyone for the advice and help. Yeah, he wears an 8 shoe ... so they could fit him ... I know I need to talk to him, but I need to figure how I feel about it first, and I think the only way I can decide how I feel is by gathering more information about it. I'm not sure how to bring it up either. I don't want him to think I was snooping around in his stuff ... I dunno. I think I'm still in shock. We've been dating nearly 2 years and I haven't seen one sign - and I know the signs from my father. I will talk to him, but I need time first.

 

[EJFan]

Thanks everyone for the advice and help. Yeah, he wears an 8 shoe ... so they could fit him ... I know I need to talk to him, but I need to figure how I feel about it first, and I think the only way I can decide how I feel is by gathering more information about it. I'm not sure how to bring it up either. I don't want him to think I was snooping around in his stuff ... I dunno. I think I'm still in shock. We've been dating nearly 2 years and I haven't seen one sign - and I know the signs from my father. I will talk to him, but I need time first.

you're right... definitely talk to him. i don't know how "correct" it is to gather information about it before approaching him. it sounds just a hair subversive. and i only say that because you're about to marry him... in that sense i think it's a time when you should both be very trusting of each other... that a frank discussion that isn't intended to be harmful or demeaning, it just shouldn't be scary for you.

if it were me, i'd approach it with the idea that my presumptions were wrong and just say (nonthreateningly), "hey, what's this stuff i found in the closet?" or something along that line. i think you simply have to be unassuming, passive and don't say anything that'll make him scared to tell the truth... keep it simple.

 

[SmilinAngel]

EJFan (BTW - I'm a fan too) - thanks for your advice. The problem is, as I have mentioned, is that my father does ... and I've told my fiance this. I'm can't clearly remember what I told him, but I am positive that I discussed an "ew-factor," so I'm sure that he is already scared about my reaction ... so I can't go into it nonchalantly. And, I don't know how to confront him without being upset that he hasn't told me the truth. He has hid all of his sexual behaviors from me ... even his porn collection - and I took that very well. I even watch porn with him sometimes, so why couldn't he tell me about the CD? My only reasoning is that I must have scared him with my reaction to my fathers CD ... this is so difficult ...

 

[Ezzy]

Originally posted by SmilinAngel So, I guess what I am wondering is what are the general appeals of cross-dressing, and if it is usually coupled with other behaviors, or if it is simply cross-dressing. If you could share similar experiences or personal experiences, that would be a big help!

The wedding is planned for July, so I gotta figure out how I feel soon ... any help would be greatly appreciated.

I would do as Willing and Unsure suggests and ask him about it first last and do so gently if you can, without freaking out on him.

For the most part I understand that crossdressing is not an indication of gay or bi tendencies, any more than having a beard is an indication of straight tendencies.

You bring your father and the eeeeew factor into the equation, did your father leave your mother when you were 5 years old or so?

I think one way you could ask, is to not ask directly. You could ask a question about fantasy or reallity, etc.

But when all is said and done, the only way you will find an answer is to ask a question.

 

[EJFan]

EJFan... The problem is, as I have mentioned, is that my father does ... and I've told my fiance this. I'm can't clearly remember what I told him, but I am positive that I discussed an "ew-factor," so I'm sure that he is already scared about my reaction ... so I can't go into it nonchalantly.

did you relate the "ew-factor" to your fiance in general terms or in terms of it being your father specifically? see what i mean? did you suggest a repulsion toward CD overall or that your FATHER is a CD?

i'm totally speculating here, but i'd GUESS that (whatever the case) your fiance might expect different latitudes than you give your father. it could be that, since you're engaged, that he'd think you wouldn't be as harsh... maybe?

sounds like a tough one, that's fer sure. i'm confident that you can get through it though. if you ARE correct this could be a good way to start working on the struggles that all married people have... you just may have gotten one a little earlier than some.

 

[Noor]

why don't you just tell him you found the stuff while looking for dirty laundry as you told us?

 

[SmilinAngel]

Yeah, EJFan, thats the problem with having a bad memory like mine! I remember discussing my fathers CD with my fiance about a year ago, so I can't remember specifically what I told him ... but I really don't have anything against CD itself, I'm a pretty liberal, open-minded person. It was just thinking of my father doing it that brought the ew-factor in. I don't really care that my fiance does it, I just want to make sure that it is not indicative of other behaviors/desires. I know that most men who CD are heterosexual, but I just want to make sure before we get married. Yeah, this will be/is definitely a test for us.

 

[SmilinAngel]

why don't you just tell him you found the stuff while looking for dirty laundry as you told us?

I guess I'm afraid that he'll think I was invading his privacy. It was in a zipped up bag, but its not like the bag was buried. It was on top of a few other bags, but I unzipped it because we have just recently went for on a couple road trips and I thought maybe he forgot to unpack one. I pushed on it, felt it full, and thought I'd check it for dirty clothes. I guess I'm afraid that he'll think I was snooping ... maybe I'm over-thinking it, I dunno.

 

[dollface007]

Is it possible that this was a Halloween costume? It sounds alot like a schoolgirl costume to me.

If he was a crossdresser, I'd expect to find alot more women's clothing than this one outfit.

 

[Lager than most]

I agree with dollface, it sounds a lot like a halloween costume. That look was verypopular when Britney Spears first made it big, and I have seen many guys copy that over the years.

I think that the bigger question is are you going to marry a guy that you can't talk to? I love this forum, it has lots of great, fun sex advice; but i'm not going to make life decisions based on what I read here. If you aer ready to get married that you must be ready to talk to your future husband. If your marriage is going to work you have to face up to difficult topics and discuss them openly and honestly.

Then again, as I said, I wouldn't take my advice if I were you.

 

[Ezzy]

I think that the bigger question is are you going to marry a guy that you can't talk to?

Then again, as I said, I wouldn't take my advice if I were you.

That is great advice, even if she doesn't take it!

 

[English Lady]

SmilinAngel....I over think everything, analysing what could and might happen driving myself insane with the possible answers...


the only way you can find out is to ask. You were looking for dirty laundry, you accidently uncovered them and wondered what they were.


once you've got his reaction you can deal with it from there...its the only way to find out what is what here.

 

[Bobmi357]

The one problem with all this, and no matter how I try to rationalize it, I can't, is the tiny blouse.

I'm not a cross dresser, I think my wife looks better in women's wear than I would ever look. But it strikes me as sorta silly that a person that cross dressed would purchase a garment they couldn't fit into. And if thats the case, just who does the blouse really belong to?

Ask, you might find its something as simple and silly as left over props from a school play, or something far more unpleasant. But unless you ask, you'll never know and always wonder about.

 

[SweetErika]

EJFan (BTW - I'm a fan too) - thanks for your advice. The problem is, as I have mentioned, is that my father does ... and I've told my fiance this. I'm can't clearly remember what I told him, but I am positive that I discussed an "ew-factor," so I'm sure that he is already scared about my reaction ... so I can't go into it nonchalantly.

Maybe you can't go into it nonchalantly (and you shouldn't have to), but you can go into it nonjudgementally. Any way you do it, you have to ask him. I'd suggest telling him what you told us...you were looking for laundry and got deeper into the closet because of the trips you've taken recently. Say something like, "I found this while...., and I'm curious about it...was it for me, or a halloween costume, or something else?"

And, I don't know how to confront him without being upset that he hasn't told me the truth. He has hid all of his sexual behaviors from me ... even his porn collection - and I took that very well. I even watch porn with him sometimes, so why couldn't he tell me about the CD? My only reasoning is that I must have scared him with my reaction to my fathers CD ... this is so difficult ...

I'm going to give it to you straight, SmilinAngel. The fact that he has hid things from you before and you can't trust him completely is a major problem. Hiding his sexual behaviors is a major problem. Always wondering if there's something he hasn't told you is a problem because you can't build trust on that. Being afraid to communicate with him openly is a major problem.

If you do marry him and want it to last, you're going to have to be able to communicate with eachother about issues much larger and scarier than this...that's a promise. You two need to seek counseling now and resolve all of these issues before you make a decision to get married. Even when everything is open, you communicate constantly, and there's no fear, marriage is difficult.

You're very smart, and you'll do fine talking to him. Knowing a lot of men, this is probably a mis-sized gift for you or something.

 

[SmilinAngel]

Thank you for your replies!

Thanks, everyone, all your points are valid.

Dollface – That’s an excellent point … I hadn’t thought of that. I, too, wondered why I only found one, but I wasn’t sure if others were hidden elsewhere … your theory does seem quite plausible.

Larger than most – I agree, and it’s not that I don’t want to talk to him, or that I’m getting my answers here, I just wanted to see if anyone had similar experiences. I wanted to see what had worked and didn’t work for others. I don’t want to make the situation worse and scare or embarrass him. I didn’t know much about CD until yesterday, and, for me, knowledge is the key to understanding. I don’t want to confront him if I don’t even understand something. But, I did a lot of research online and am much more at ease.

English Lady – You’re right. I also over-think. My imagination is probably worse than anything that could really happen. Thanks for keeping grounded!

Bobmi-yeah, this is my problem also. This is the only thing that would prevent him from CD, but when I start to think of that, I feel like I’m in denial.

 

[SmilinAngel]

You're very smart, and you'll do fine talking to him. Knowing a lot of men, this is probably a mis-sized gift for you or something.

Thanks SweetErika, you always seem to make me feel better. Sadly, I don't think this is a gift for me. The shoes and bra look worn. I'm over the fact that he CD, I'm okay with that, now I just want to know why he hid it from me and if there are any other tendencies/desires. I'll figure out a way to confront him ... very soon. Thanks again!

 

[Goldie Munro]

Thanks SweetErika, you always seem to make me feel better. Sadly, I don't think this is a gift for me. The shoes and bra look worn. I'm over the fact that he CD, I'm okay with that, now I just want to know why he hid it from me and if there are any other tendencies/desires. I'll figure out a way to confront him ... very soon. Thanks again!

The only thing you can do is talk to him about it but first of all think about your reactions to the possible answers you might get. Get it clear in your mind what it is you are able to accept and not accept - its the only way hon - good luck xx

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

ok so maybe this is way out there

But what if you got the same exact outfit and met him at the door wearing it one day? You could ask him," So what do you think? Do you like it?" Do you think he would then know? Do you think that he would say "Hey I have the same thing!" It is one way of broching the subject.

Holden

 

[ReadyOne]

Re: ok so maybe this is way out there

But what if you got the same exact outfit and met him at the door wearing it one day? You could ask him," So what do you think? Do you like it?" Do you think he would then know? Do you think that he would say "Hey I have the same thing!" It is one way of broching the subject.

Holden

I'd bet his face would turn ashen, his jaw would drop, and he'd stutter for a while...

 

[SmilinAngel]

Confrontation ... finally ...

Okay, so, I confronted him today. At first, he said that they outfit was for me, and I didn't say much. I knew that it couldn't have. I just said that I was okay if it wasn't for me, but I just wanted to know whose it was. After just kinda leaving it as is for a minute or so, he confessed. I understand why he didn't tell me though. He said that once, when I was talking about my father doing it, that I said that I would leave him if I found out that he did. I don't remember saying it, but I don't doubt that I would have. He claims that he only has one outfit that he bought out of curiosity, and I believe him. I only found one - and it was a schoolgirl-like outfit - one that he enjoys seeing me in. I told him I was okay with him doing it, as long as he was honest and open with me. When I confronted him about possible tendencies, he denied that he had any and that it was only out of curiosity and that he had only worn it a few times, and hadn't since we have been dating, and that he had hoped that I would never find out because he doesn't see it as part of himself, just something he once tried and could live without. Is that denial? I believe him. Or do I just want to believe him? I don't see any signs that suggest that it is something deeper, and I told him that as long as he was honest with me, we could work anything out, and that if I had found out that he had lied later, I wouldn't be able to trust or stay with him after knowing I had been directly lied to. So ... that's where we stand. He says that he would still do it if I wanted him to, but that he doesn't have a strong need to do it. I guess it seems plausible ... I mean, we're all curious at some time or another, and there's only one way to cure curiosity. I just feel better having gotten it out in the open ... so, from those who have experience in this area - does this seem plausible? Or is CD something that one usually wouldn't "experiment" with?

 

[SweetErika]

Good for you for talking to him and standing your ground on the honesty issue!

Ok, I don't have any CD experience or a lot of knowledge, but I think it could be a one-time curiosity. My husband tried on a pair of my silky panties once or twice (in front of me) "just to see how different they felt", but that was enough for him. I hate to plant a seed of doubt in your mind, but there are two things that don't seem to fit with the curiosity idea very well (again, I'm no expert, just another woman)...
1) If he was just curious, why didn't he try on your clothes a couple of times? Why buy a whole outfit, shoes, bra, and all?

2) If he satisfied his curiosity, why didn't he get rid of the outfit? Why risk you finding out if he was never going to use it again?

It doesn't sound like you're in denial, but this has to be a big shock. You obviously can't have a healthy relationship based on suspicion, so maybe you can have another loving, supportive, nonjudgmental conversation with him about this. I'd still recommend counseling so you can talk about the whole trust thing in a neutral environment. You did great!