Infidelity

[JR284]

I'm wondering how many people are turned on by being cheated on? When I was younger, I always told myself that cheating was a deal breaker. I just couldn't see how I could ever get past the infidelity. At the root of it all is broken trust which with me, is hard to recover from. That was until I discovered that my wife (girlfriend at the time) had cheated on me with multiple guys. I was extremely turned on! I think there are a couple of reasons why though. For starters, she had always come across as this innocent, inexperienced, and vanilla woman. I often wished she was more sexual and I had always enjoyed being with women who had wild pasts. So to find out that she was cheating was like finding out that she really was this wild person all along. The second part, and I think biggest reason why I was more turned on than upset, was that it was clearly just sex. It was some random one night stand, and two guys she met online (later I found out there were a lot more). If it had just been one guy who she was all lovey dovey with, I don't think I would have reacted the way I did. Ever since then though, I find myself thinking about everything she did behind me back, and even though she still sleeps with other men with my full consent and encouragement, it's just not the same as finding out that she's done something behind my back. I know it's kind of fucked up, but that's why I wonder if anyone else gets turned on by being cheated on?

 

[jharp]

I'm wondering how many people are turned on by being cheated on? When I was younger, I always told myself that cheating was a deal breaker. I just couldn't see how I could ever get past the infidelity. At the root of it all is broken trust which with me, is hard to recover from. That was until I discovered that my wife (girlfriend at the time) had cheated on me with multiple guys. I was extremely turned on! I think there are a couple of reasons why though. For starters, she had always come across as this innocent, inexperienced, and vanilla woman. I often wished she was more sexual and I had always enjoyed being with women who had wild pasts. So to find out that she was cheating was like finding out that she really was this wild person all along. The second part, and I think biggest reason why I was more turned on than upset, was that it was clearly just sex. It was some random one night stand, and two guys she met online (later I found out there were a lot more). If it had just been one guy who she was all lovey dovey with, I don't think I would have reacted the way I did. Ever since then though, I find myself thinking about everything she did behind me back, and even though she still sleeps with other men with my full consent and encouragement, it's just not the same as finding out that she's done something behind my back. I know it's kind of fucked up, but that's why I wonder if anyone else gets turned on by being cheated on?

Not trying to be mean or demeaning but...yes it is kinda fucked up. Even after all this time on Literotica and in the Forums, the cuckold thing from the Cucks perspective is something I'll never understand. My question is, have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why you feel the way? Have you wondered why your now wife wasn't that uninhibited with you? And do you dare ask yourself...will she stop of you ask her to stop? If you can't answer these questions maybe seek out therapy?

I had a friend who was into this life style for years, though I never knew it. This is a guy who I went to war with and who I trusted to have my back. And I had his. Then I learned about the cuckold thing he and his wife (and her lovers) were into and I just...well, I'll be honest, I lost a lot of respect for him. After a while I could see it did affect him. That while he was aroused by it on a visceral level it also ate him up inside too. He went to a therapist and I think a sex therapist to find out why. He eventually found whatever answers he was looking for and turned his life around. The problems really started when he wanted to close the marriage. His wife didn't want to stop and point blank told him she wouldn't. She then revealed wjat she really thought if him. How he wasn't a real man, as no real man would ever tolerate this kind of behavior. She belittled him, berated him and showed absolute contempt for him. That is until he hit her with divorce papers and stuck to his guns. Those real men she liked to fuck? Didn't want a relationship with a middle age woman close to 40. Now she's pushing reconciliation while he's cutting all the toxic elements from his life.

Hope this helps or at least gets you thinking.

 

[Justfantasies]

I'm wondering how many people are turned on by being cheated on? When I was younger, I always told myself that cheating was a deal breaker. I just couldn't see how I could ever get past the infidelity. At the root of it all is broken trust which with me, is hard to recover from. That was until I discovered that my wife (girlfriend at the time) had cheated on me with multiple guys. I was extremely turned on! I think there are a couple of reasons why though. For starters, she had always come across as this innocent, inexperienced, and vanilla woman. I often wished she was more sexual and I had always enjoyed being with women who had wild pasts. So to find out that she was cheating was like finding out that she really was this wild person all along. The second part, and I think biggest reason why I was more turned on than upset, was that it was clearly just sex. It was some random one night stand, and two guys she met online (later I found out there were a lot more). If it had just been one guy who she was all lovey dovey with, I don't think I would have reacted the way I did. Ever since then though, I find myself thinking about everything she did behind me back, and even though she still sleeps with other men with my full consent and encouragement, it's just not the same as finding out that she's done something behind my back. I know it's kind of fucked up, but that's why I wonder if anyone else gets turned on by being cheated on?

It certainly turns me on. Its funding out that your wife/GF has dimension and (probabl) a history -- new things to explore

 

[screwher]

My wife

When my wife and I were early in our relationship, I remember her emphasizing how important fidelity was to her. How she would be devastated if I ever strayed. No problem, I believed the same thing and could never hurt her. Fast forward a few years later, she developed an attractiion to another man who she ended up spreading her legs for. It came within an eyelash of ruining us. But I chalked to up to her having little life inexperience before me and curiosity of other men. I have no idea why, but soon after ward her tryst actually started to arouse me. I secretly started fantasizing about other men fucking her! And hoped she’d chest again. It took many years later. When she did though, it was so hot! That was the spark that opened up,our marriage to include her screwing other men!

 

[policywank]

It's fair to say no two situations are the same. It's clear your friend did not have a healthy relationship with his wife. I think it is generally true that when marriages go bad, women end them and men try to fix them. This is why women file more divorces than me. That said, ethical non-monogamy works for some people, whether it be hotwifing or swinging or open or cuckolding (which for my world means non-monogamy with some degree of humiliation aspect toward the male). That it doesn't work for your relationship or that it isn't something you desire in a relationship doesn't make it universally bad for couples or marriages. A little live and let live goes a long way.

I think that this is valid. If one is to make judgments based upon anecdotal evidence then we can pretty much find a basis to condemn or condone every relationship variation to suit our pre-conceived bias.

For me the deceit part is difficult to handle. It is important that my husband trust me. We sort of skirt the line by making it clear that I do have the latitude to be with other men but am not obliged to tell him everything. So I am not cheating but there is the element of the unknown.

But while I would struggle with the deceit it isn't difficult to imagine situations where it isn't a black and white issue. There are lots of cultures and belief systems in which infidelity is regarded as not unusual and the preferred approach is for the cheater to be discreet and the SO to turn a blind eye.

I think our views on gender (especially in North America) often cloud our judgment. We can easily imagine the mobster or politician or business titan who regularly cheats on his wife but would never leave her or let the other women interfere with his family. We may not condone his behaviour but we comprehend it. We don't assume it means his marriage is inevitably doomed. Some people even see a powerful and successful man who is sufficiently desirous that his behaviour is understandable and sufficiently desirable that we are willing to give him a pass. Yet when a woman is the cheater we can't get beyond the deceit and the assumption that she must not respect her husband or must be looking for something better, so it will inevitably end badly.

These are just stereotypes arbitrarily applied to each gender. Women are perfectly capable of being desirous and desirable sexual beings with complex reasons for our sexual behaviour that do not all imply a lack of love or respect for our husband. And some men are perfectly capable of seeing their wife as a complex, vivacious and sexy woman whose sexual appetites are a key part of what makes her attractive and readily accepts that it is in her nature to feed those appetites.

In that case the fact that she indulges her sexual needs without his explicit permission can add to his sense of her wild and adventurous spirit.

The deceit is a consideration but there are many reasons people deceive one another. They don't all come down to simple ideas of good and evil. The bigger question is does she love her husband and why is she cheating? Often the best way to broaden our mind and consider all the possibilities is to remove the gender dynamic. Can we imagine a man who deeply loves his wife and family but takes the opportunity to feed his sexual appetites for other women? If so there is no reason to suppose the reverse can't be true.

 

[Stillrandy]

The Tangled Web

I try to stay away from such situations because....

 

[JR284]

I can’t say my wife cheating would be a deal breaker unless there was more to it than mere infidelity. I would want to know why the deception though because we are already non-monogamous & she could just ask.

If you're already in a non-monogamous relationship then I agree, there's no reason for secrecy. That's why I mentioned that it's not something we deal with now because we are open. I was referring to a more "traditional" sense of cheating.

Not trying to be mean or demeaning but...yes it is kinda fucked up. Even after all this time on Literotica and in the Forums, the cuckold thing from the Cucks perspective is something I'll never understand. My question is, have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why you feel the way? Have you wondered why your now wife wasn't that uninhibited with you? And do you dare ask yourself...will she stop of you ask her to stop? If you can't answer these questions maybe seek out therapy?

I had a friend who was into this life style for years, though I never knew it. This is a guy who I went to war with and who I trusted to have my back. And I had his. Then I learned about the cuckold thing he and his wife (and her lovers) were into and I just...well, I'll be honest, I lost a lot of respect for him. After a while I could see it did affect him. That while he was aroused by it on a visceral level it also ate him up inside too. He went to a therapist and I think a sex therapist to find out why. He eventually found whatever answers he was looking for and turned his life around. The problems really started when he wanted to close the marriage. His wife didn't want to stop and point blank told him she wouldn't. She then revealed wjat she really thought if him. How he wasn't a real man, as no real man would ever tolerate this kind of behavior. She belittled him, berated him and showed absolute contempt for him. That is until he hit her with divorce papers and stuck to his guns. Those real men she liked to fuck? Didn't want a relationship with a middle age woman close to 40. Now she's pushing reconciliation while he's cutting all the toxic elements from his life.

Hope this helps or at least gets you thinking.

I can understand why you would be judgmental of something like this. Especially the context you put it in which I think relates a lot to "manliness". My question would be, would you lose respect for a friend who is a woman who is cheated on and stays with the man? During the time that she was cheating on me, I was actually considering cheating myself. In fact, I stopped just short of it so I completely understood why she was cheating to begin with. Everything else you mentioned I think are very valid points. Your friend's situation is very different than mine but without context, I can see how you would arrive at those conclusions. I also didn't understand the "cuckold" thing for a very long time in the same way that there are a lot of kinks that aren't for me; however, I try not to yuck someone's yum as long as it doesn't affect others. It's something that developed over time for me.

As to your questions:
Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why you feel the way?
Absolutely. For a long time I felt ashamed about being turned on by the idea of my partner being with other men. This was even before the cheating. I found some reasons why and none of them are rooted in trauma which is what I was most worried about. Eventually I learned to embrace it thanks to my partner (not my wife, someone else I was dating at the time) and realized that everyone has different kinks. I know that there is a huge stigma and lots of people would judge me were they to find out, but at the end of the day it's something I enjoy and my partner did as well.

Have you wondered why your now wife wasn't that uninhibited with you?
Yes, and that was more an issue with our relationship/communication rather than anything to do with sex. Just like I had this assumption that she was vanilla and inexperienced, she had the same assumptions about me. I'm a pretty buttoned up guy in my daily life so she figured that I was the same way when it came to sex. And since I never approached her with anything risque because of my assumptions about her, it just became an endless feedback loop. That is one of the breakthroughs we had as a couple that resulted from her cheating. Our sex life since then has been extraordinary.

And do you dare ask yourself...will she stop of you ask her to stop?
Absolutely, and she has. We've taken a break from the lifestyle on two occasions. The first time it was her decision and the second time was at my request. She also recently asked me to limit my own activity outside which I agreed to without hesitation. Our lifestyle is completely consensual.

Still, I'm sure none of these answers would change your mind on the subject, and that's fine. You look down on people like me. I'm sure you have something that gets you going that others don't understand and I hope that your friend(s) wouldn't lose respect for you that way you did him. My post was more about finding people who found cheating exciting, even when you're in an open relationship. Sorry if it struck a nerve with you.

When my wife and I were early in our relationship, I remember her emphasizing how important fidelity was to her. How she would be devastated if I ever strayed. No problem, I believed the same thing and could never hurt her. Fast forward a few years later, she developed an attractiion to another man who she ended up spreading her legs for. It came within an eyelash of ruining us. But I chalked to up to her having little life inexperience before me and curiosity of other men. I have no idea why, but soon after ward her tryst actually started to arouse me. I secretly started fantasizing about other men fucking her! And hoped she’d chest again. It took many years later. When she did though, it was so hot! That was the spark that opened up,our marriage to include her screwing other men!

Such a similar experience! Glad to hear it worked out so well for you too!

I think that this is valid. If one is to make judgments based upon anecdotal evidence then we can pretty much find a basis to condemn or condone every relationship variation to suit our pre-conceived bias.

For me the deceit part is difficult to handle. It is important that my husband trust me. We sort of skirt the line by making it clear that I do have the latitude to be with other men but am not obliged to tell him everything. So I am not cheating but there is the element of the unknown.

But while I would struggle with the deceit it isn't difficult to imagine situations where it isn't a black and white issue. There are lots of cultures and belief systems in which infidelity is regarded as not unusual and the preferred approach is for the cheater to be discreet and the SO to turn a blind eye.

I think our views on gender (especially in North America) often cloud our judgment. We can easily imagine the mobster or politician or business titan who regularly cheats on his wife but would never leave her or let the other women interfere with his family. We may not condone his behaviour but we comprehend it. We don't assume it means his marriage is inevitably doomed. Some people even see a powerful and successful man who is sufficiently desirous that his behaviour is understandable and sufficiently desirable that we are willing to give him a pass. Yet when a woman is the cheater we can't get beyond the deceit and the assumption that she must not respect her husband or must be looking for something better, so it will inevitably end badly.

These are just stereotypes arbitrarily applied to each gender. Women are perfectly capable of being desirous and desirable sexual beings with complex reasons for our sexual behaviour that do not all imply a lack of love or respect for our husband. And some men are perfectly capable of seeing their wife as a complex, vivacious and sexy woman whose sexual appetites are a key part of what makes her attractive and readily accepts that it is in her nature to feed those appetites.

In that case the fact that she indulges her sexual needs without his explicit permission can add to his sense of her wild and adventurous spirit.

The deceit is a consideration but there are many reasons people deceive one another. They don't all come down to simple ideas of good and evil. The bigger question is does she love her husband and why is she cheating? Often the best way to broaden our mind and consider all the possibilities is to remove the gender dynamic. Can we imagine a man who deeply loves his wife and family but takes the opportunity to feed his sexual appetites for other women? If so there is no reason to suppose the reverse can't be true.

I agree 100%. I think gender roles play a huge part in all of this. Men are forgiven for cheating all the time. In fact, it's seen almost as an inevitability. But somehow a man's manhood is challenged if he's the one who's cheated on.

My wife and I actually tried to approach our open relationship similar to how you mentioned it. She had the freedom to play around and she got to choose what to tell me. Through trial and error though, we found that didn't really work for us. Especially because of how it got started, there was just too much to repair as it related to trust to be able to have things work that way. Maybe it's something we can try now though.

The first question we approach was about us. How we felt about each other and if we wanted to take the time and effort to mend what was obviously a broken relationship at the time. Thanks so much for your input.

It's fair to say no two situations are the same. It's clear your friend did not have a healthy relationship with his wife. I think it is generally true that when marriages go bad, women end them and men try to fix them. This is why women file more divorces than men. That said, ethical non-monogamy works for some people, whether it be hotwifing or swinging or open or cuckolding (which for my world means non-monogamy with some degree of humiliation aspect toward the male). That it doesn't work for your relationship or that it isn't something you desire in a relationship doesn't make it universally bad for couples or marriages. A little live and let live goes a long way.

Live and let live, couldn't agree more. There are lots of kinks that I personally don't get into, but I try not to judge others for it. We all have out thing. Thank you.

 

[sterculius]

I'm currently married to my second wife, who (to the best of my knowledge) is faithful to me, unlike my first wife who cheated on me numerous times with multiple men. I first found out about it one evening while I was working nights and came home early to find her fucking someone in our bed. I had come up the stairs quietly thinking she was asleep to find the bedroom door closed and to hear sounds of her moaning and the bed headboard knocking against the wall. The kids were asleep in their rooms, so I stood outside the door jerking off and listening to my wife fucking the guy. After I came, I crept downstairs and went outside to my car and waited for him to leave. After he left I came back inside as I normally did and found my wife pretending to be asleep. I knew my wife had been a slut before when I married her. That's what attracted me to her in the first place. Although I felt hurt, I couldn't really blame her because my own cock is pathetically small. I was able to bring her to multiple orgasms orally, but not by fucking her like a real man. I was also cheating on her by routinely giving blowjobs to another neighbor.

 

[FarmHotWife]

Cheating was something early on like you said I was totally against. Easier said then done as later down the road I found myself cheating. I did feel bad but yes there was an air of excitement about it. It seemed to be something I could not or did not want to avoid doing. Finally I quit dating in an attempt to avoid some of the drama. Then as time went on I was meeting some men that wanted me to cheat on them. Some wanted to watch and others wanted me to be discrete but them find out somehow like used condoms or dirty underwear.

 

[IsItBad]

yes, all fucked up

i do think it IS all fucked up to be fantasizing or even living through your spouse cheating on you.....but.....most of us humans are all fucked up anyway in one way or another (if not 28 ways)

i had a gf once.....one female out of many i have been with.....who i think truly understood the male psyche.....she had such a way with words....and would describe in infinite detail about some guy shed met or seen who turned her on......what it was about him......why it turned her on so......how turned on she got....etc.....its like she truly understood why it was hot to me to hear about it......

for some time, she was reluctant to tell me details about previous sex partners because we had alot of common friends....and i knew of some of them....but in time she divulged most of it, if not all......

many were the nights where we were laying in bed and she would start to talk about one time when she was camping with a guy.....explicitly and exactly how he went down on her......she had such a way of describing how things felt.....how they felt to her....inside her......she would tell it in the most artistic, compelling, and arousing way......and she would be getting soaking wet while telling it......

anyway......i do think we ought not to be hoping our spouse is out cheating on us so we can hear all about it......BUT i also will never forget how completely sexually charged every situation was where she would describe her sexcapades.....

 

[SlutAddicted]

My wife cheated on me before we entered the hot wife/cuckold lifestyle. In fact, I would say that her cuckolding me that first time is what led to it becoming an ongoing thing. I have also been cheated on by previous girlfriends or dated women who were open about having sex with other men.

The cheating experiences were painful because of the betrayal. But for me the sense of titillation and excitement was more powerful. None of those women were what I would consider callous and oblivious to the harm they caused. In fact they were genuinely sorry for the pain and my wife in particular made a point of coming clean right away and not trying to deflect or obfuscate which was important to rebuilding trust. They were just very sexual, very desirous and desirable women.

I know some take cheating as evidence of lack of caring and sometimes that is the case, but I don't think it was with the women I am referring to. I see it as a by-product of their very high sex drive and intrinsic sexual nature. There is a wildness and adventuresome nature to them that is a huge turn-on. That is what drew me to them in the first place. That alluring nature always seemed utterly incompatible with being restrained sexually. I came to a point where I was conscious of that trade-off and came down firmly and clearly on the side of being addicted to sluts.

I think that opportunity is also a consideration when it comes to cheating. Let's be honest. We like to talk about cheating in the context of morals and love and commitment but the decision to cheat or not doesn't all come from the high ground. The availability of appealing sexual opportunities is a significant factor in whether one cheats. A lot of people who talk a big game about fidelity would give in to temptation if they had the sexual appetites and opportunities of the sexy sluts I am talking about.

 

[GeekGyrl4Eva]

I'm wondering how many people are turned on by being cheated on? When I was younger, I always told myself that cheating was a deal breaker. I just couldn't see how I could ever get past the infidelity. At the root of it all is broken trust which with me, is hard to recover from. That was until I discovered that my wife (girlfriend at the time) had cheated on me with multiple guys. I was extremely turned on! I think there are a couple of reasons why though. For starters, she had always come across as this innocent, inexperienced, and vanilla woman. I often wished she was more sexual and I had always enjoyed being with women who had wild pasts. So to find out that she was cheating was like finding out that she really was this wild person all along. The second part, and I think biggest reason why I was more turned on than upset, was that it was clearly just sex. It was some random one night stand, and two guys she met online (later I found out there were a lot more). If it had just been one guy who she was all lovey dovey with, I don't think I would have reacted the way I did. Ever since then though, I find myself thinking about everything she did behind me back, and even though she still sleeps with other men with my full consent and encouragement, it's just not the same as finding out that she's done something behind my back. I know it's kind of fucked up, but that's why I wonder if anyone else gets turned on by being cheated on?

It actually is a big kink now. I think a lot of people do it outside of it being kink but I think more are being turned on by the naughty nature then a lot are admitting to. Also I think a lot of people think it will be sexy and when it happens find out reality and fantasy are super different quite often.

 

[magicalmoments]

Infidelity fascinates me as a general topic. The lengths people will go too over it, the variety of ways they justify it, fascinating. I think it is a fetish, or perhaps an addiction, it absorbs you.

I was once an serial adulterer, I was never one to have long term affairs, most of my infidelity was of the one night stand variety, organised through adult personal adverts in what were known as "swingers magazines", pre internet days. Occasionally I hired a hooker. I avoided emotional entanglements like the plague. I was able to compartmentalize my life without effort. There was my wife and family and there were my extras. Never the twain shall meet. My wife never gave any reason for me to suspect that she knew I was cheating on her. I never felt a moments guilt. All of this was made possible by a very well paid job that had me travelling extensively around the country.

While I was living this double life I convinced my wife that we should try swinging. She was a very reluctant starter but once she tried it, she loved it and never looked back, she especially loved MFM 3'sums where she was the centre of attention. She tried, but declined to continue with couple swapping, she didn't like being their while I was with another woman. After a couple of years of this she suggested that we open our marriage. She was feeling guilty that she was having all this fun but from her perspective, I was not getting a similar chance with other women. She wasn't bi, she didn't want to see me with other women, but provided I was discreet and not throwing it in her face and keeping it free of emotional attachments, I could indulge myself.

So I carried on doing what I had been doing for about 5 years at that point but openly without the fear of discovery and exposure. We carried on like this for another 15 years before we split up.

We were both guilty of infidelity. We both broke our marriage vows. Yes, we ended up giving each other "permission" to enjoy sexual encounters outside marriage, but no matter how you might justify that to yourself as not being adultery, it is still infidelity. I still don't feel any guilt or regrets over any of this, in fact I think of myself as having been extremely lucky to have experienced all that I have, but I know that in the eyes of society I am an adulterer. It makes me smile. My ex, with whom I have kept in touch, gives the impression, without actually saying so that she regrets that 15 years of our lives and does feel guilt,. But this is only an impression, we have never discussed it.

My current wife knows all of this but is not interested in the alternative lifestyle and we have remained monogamous since we hooked up. I think I got my need for variety out of my system.

 

[policywank]

Current research indicates that infidelity is increasingly common among women (either that or we are increasingly willing to admit it). Many see cheating as a rationale way to fulfill a need or series of needs that are not being fulfilled in their relationship. They aren't prepared to have their options restricted to remaining unfulfilled or blowing up the whole relationship. I don't think any of us is unable to see that the deception is wrong. But there is a growing acceptance of he premise that our own fulfillment is a worthy priority and as a result cheating may be the least bad option.

 

[Abbafan]

Current research indicates that infidelity is increasingly common among women (either that or we are increasingly willing to admit it). Many see cheating as a rationale way to fulfill a need or series of needs that are not being fulfilled in their relationship. They aren't prepared to have their options restricted to remaining unfulfilled or blowing up the whole relationship. I don't think any of us is unable to see that the deception is wrong. But there is a growing acceptance of he premise that our own fulfillment is a worthy priority and as a result cheating may be the least bad option.

I've noticed that justification only comes up with women. Like, I've never seen media or anyone come to the defense of a guy who was fucking around on his wife, saying that's just a strong man with agency, putting his needs first. Well, his needs weren't being met and he made himself a priority, as he should. LOL.

 

[jharp]

If you're already in a non-monogamous relationship then I agree, there's no reason for secrecy. That's why I mentioned that it's not something we deal with now because we are open. I was referring to a more "traditional" sense of cheating.



I can understand why you would be judgmental of something like this. Especially the context you put it in which I think relates a lot to "manliness". My question would be, would you lose respect for a friend who is a woman who is cheated on and stays with the man? During the time that she was cheating on me, I was actually considering cheating myself. In fact, I stopped just short of it so I completely understood why she was cheating to begin with. Everything else you mentioned I think are very valid points. Your friend's situation is very different than mine but without context, I can see how you would arrive at those conclusions. I also didn't understand the "cuckold" thing for a very long time in the same way that there are a lot of kinks that aren't for me; however, I try not to yuck someone's yum as long as it doesn't affect others. It's something that developed over time for me.

As to your questions:
Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why you feel the way?
Absolutely. For a long time I felt ashamed about being turned on by the idea of my partner being with other men. This was even before the cheating. I found some reasons why and none of them are rooted in trauma which is what I was most worried about. Eventually I learned to embrace it thanks to my partner (not my wife, someone else I was dating at the time) and realized that everyone has different kinks. I know that there is a huge stigma and lots of people would judge me were they to find out, but at the end of the day it's something I enjoy and my partner did as well.

Have you wondered why your now wife wasn't that uninhibited with you?
Yes, and that was more an issue with our relationship/communication rather than anything to do with sex. Just like I had this assumption that she was vanilla and inexperienced, she had the same assumptions about me. I'm a pretty buttoned up guy in my daily life so she figured that I was the same way when it came to sex. And since I never approached her with anything risque because of my assumptions about her, it just became an endless feedback loop. That is one of the breakthroughs we had as a couple that resulted from her cheating. Our sex life since then has been extraordinary.

And do you dare ask yourself...will she stop of you ask her to stop?
Absolutely, and she has. We've taken a break from the lifestyle on two occasions. The first time it was her decision and the second time was at my request. She also recently asked me to limit my own activity outside which I agreed to without hesitation. Our lifestyle is completely consensual.

Still, I'm sure none of these answers would change your mind on the subject, and that's fine. You look down on people like me. I'm sure you have something that gets you going that others don't understand and I hope that your friend(s) wouldn't lose respect for you that way you did him. My post was more about finding people who found cheating exciting, even when you're in an open relationship. Sorry if it struck a nerve with you.

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner, I had totally missed your response. I'm not sure how to multi quote on this forum as its different from what I'm used too, so I'll try to answer in order.

For my female friend, I've actually had a few that had been cheated on by their Boyfriends or Husbands. Now being cheated on itself doesn't make you any less of a man or a woman in terms of respect. We are adults and you can't control your partners actions. The problem is when you tolerate it from a partner that you don't want to cheat on you, and you let it continue. That's when self respect or respect for others comes into play. So, if a guy cheated on her, that sucks, but if she allows it to continue without standing up for herself then I'd lose respect for her. Now, if she gets off on it....oh, well more power to you, but then is it cheating? And its the same standard I have for guys and myself. 1 Standard across the board.

I appreciate you answering my questions. I'll be honest, I don't get the thrill from the Cuckolds perspective or from the Husband in a Hot wife relationship. I've certainly experienced from a Bulls perspective which is the one I relate too most. I'm just not sure I'll ever truly understand it but I accept everyone has their kinks that get them off. So, have fun with it man and more power to ya.

 

[gtnlynn]

It wasn't really cheating since she had my permission and told me all about it. It turns me on every time I think about it or, even better, she tells me about it again.

 

[policywank]

I've noticed that justification only comes up with women. Like, I've never seen media or anyone come to the defense of a guy who was fucking around on his wife, saying that's just a strong man with agency, putting his needs first. Well, his needs weren't being met and he made himself a priority, as he should. LOL.

I don't really see media or anyone coming to the defence of cheating women either. The references I made were intended to be to the attitudes and perspectives that cheating wives themselves express. I didn't intend to suggest they are valid or defensible.

That said there is some truth to what you say. I think that women more readily justify the deceit. I've made the point before that it seems to me that men can relate to why other men cheat, but still see it as wrong and don't readily condone or rationalize it. The whole "you go girl, you deserve it" is an attitude that seems to be mostly among women.

Personally I can't relate to it. I can comprehend the scenarios where either gender might come to the view that taking into account their own needs, cheating is the least bad option. But I can't really relate to the scenario where it is something to be celebrated.

 

[MrKeen]

Current research indicates that infidelity is increasingly common among women (either that or we are increasingly willing to admit it). Many see cheating as a rationale way to fulfill a need or series of needs that are not being fulfilled in their relationship. They aren't prepared to have their options restricted to remaining unfulfilled or blowing up the whole relationship. I don't think any of us is unable to see that the deception is wrong. But there is a growing acceptance of he premise that our own fulfillment is a worthy priority and as a result cheating may be the least bad option.

CHEATING RATE STATS DON’T ADD UP TO REALITY
According to the NZ Institute for Family Studies about 20% of married men and 13% of women have cheated.


BUT the math doesn’t make sense when you consider an example.

Average Family Size
50 Women have 100 children (2 per average family)
In a group of 100 children, 2 children (some say more than that) were conceived by a man not their family ‘father’.
These 2 children have 2 mothers.
So two of the 50 mothers (4% of mothers) have a child that is NOT conceived by her partner/husband

Births
To achieve 100 LIVE births, 140 pregnancies are required.
Miscarriages will take 6 babies leaving 134.
In New Zealand 53% of pregnancies are unplanned.
So that equates in this example to 66 PLANNED pregnancies
And 68 UNPLANNED pregnancies (totaling 134).

Planned pregnancies are UNLIKELY to be aborted
so abortions can mostly be attributed mostly to UNPLANNED pregnancies.

This link gives data of pregnancies, miscarriage and abortions in New Zealand
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29094755/
From that data you can work out that 48% of UNPLANNED pregnancies are aborted.

So, 48% of the 68 = 34 UNPLANNED babies are aborted leaving 100 live births.
Again, 2 in 100 (2%) of children are from the 2 mothers (4% of 50 mothers) to a man not here partner/husband.
HOWEVER
A women does not need to inform her husband/partner of the intention to have an abortion.
An unplanned pregnancy of a woman who has cheated leads her to think the pregnancy MIGHT be to her lovers.
She will therefore consider an abortion (due to the ease of DNA testing) as way of concealing her cheating.
If 4% of women get pregnant AND go on to give birth to a Lovers child
then it is feasible that many women would not want the UNPLANNED (possibly Lovers) baby to continue.

Let us suppose about 3 of 34 UNPLANNED pregnancies are terminated, due to
the woman thinking it MIGHT be a Lover pregnancy, then that adds 3 more women who cheat.
THEREFORE in total, 5 of 50 (10%) of women cheat.

CONTRACEPTION
With contraception methods avoiding pregnancy to a lover, the probable cheating rate has to be a lot higher than the 13% stated at the beginning of this hypothesis.
possible twice (20%)……or probably more?

 

[LittleDixie]

I had a thread not too long ago about this whole cheating thing. My bf has the same kind of kink (or w/e) that you do. He likes the idea of me being some untamed nymphomaniac - a free love hippy that just fucks whoever whenever.

In your mind, doesn't it make you feel like you're being disrespected? Like, your woman doesn't respect your monogamy or your feelings and won't commit to you exclusively?

This has been hard for me to understand, but it seems like the sting of humiliation or disrespect is part of the turn on. Does that sound right?

 

[oneblueye]

hey...

If you're already in a non-monogamous relationship then I agree, there's no reason for secrecy. That's why I mentioned that it's not something we deal with now because we are open. I was referring to a more "traditional" sense of cheating.



I can understand why you would be judgmental of something like this. Especially the context you put it in which I think relates a lot to "manliness". My question would be, would you lose respect for a friend who is a woman who is cheated on and stays with the man? During the time that she was cheating on me, I was actually considering cheating myself. In fact, I stopped just short of it so I completely understood why she was cheating to begin with. Everything else you mentioned I think are very valid points. Your friend's situation is very different than mine but without context, I can see how you would arrive at those conclusions. I also didn't understand the "cuckold" thing for a very long time in the same way that there are a lot of kinks that aren't for me; however, I try not to yuck someone's yum as long as it doesn't affect others. It's something that developed over time for me.

As to your questions:
Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why you feel the way?
Absolutely. For a long time I felt ashamed about being turned on by the idea of my partner being with other men. This was even before the cheating. I found some reasons why and none of them are rooted in trauma which is what I was most worried about. Eventually I learned to embrace it thanks to my partner (not my wife, someone else I was dating at the time) and realized that everyone has different kinks. I know that there is a huge stigma and lots of people would judge me were they to find out, but at the end of the day it's something I enjoy and my partner did as well.

Have you wondered why your now wife wasn't that uninhibited with you?
Yes, and that was more an issue with our relationship/communication rather than anything to do with sex. Just like I had this assumption that she was vanilla and inexperienced, she had the same assumptions about me. I'm a pretty buttoned up guy in my daily life so she figured that I was the same way when it came to sex. And since I never approached her with anything risque because of my assumptions about her, it just became an endless feedback loop. That is one of the breakthroughs we had as a couple that resulted from her cheating. Our sex life since then has been extraordinary.

And do you dare ask yourself...will she stop of you ask her to stop?
Absolutely, and she has. We've taken a break from the lifestyle on two occasions. The first time it was her decision and the second time was at my request. She also recently asked me to limit my own activity outside which I agreed to without hesitation. Our lifestyle is completely consensual.

Still, I'm sure none of these answers would change your mind on the subject, and that's fine. You look down on people like me. I'm sure you have something that gets you going that others don't understand and I hope that your friend(s) wouldn't lose respect for you that way you did him. My post was more about finding people who found cheating exciting, even when you're in an open relationship. Sorry if it struck a nerve with you.




Such a similar experience! Glad to hear it worked out so well for you too!




I agree 100%. I think gender roles play a huge part in all of this. Men are forgiven for cheating all the time. In fact, it's seen almost as an inevitability. But somehow a man's manhood is challenged if he's the one who's cheated on.

My wife and I actually tried to approach our open relationship similar to how you mentioned it. She had the freedom to play around and she got to choose what to tell me. Through trial and error though, we found that didn't really work for us. Especially because of how it got started, there was just too much to repair as it related to trust to be able to have things work that way. Maybe it's something we can try now though.

The first question we approach was about us. How we felt about each other and if we wanted to take the time and effort to mend what was obviously a broken relationship at the time. Thanks so much for your input.



Live and let live, couldn't agree more. There are lots of kinks that I personally don't get into, but I try not to judge others for it. We all have out thing. Thank you.

YOU NEVER STOPPED SHORT OF CHEATING.

The reason being is becuz cheating doesn't start in your body and it doesn't stop with the body. Cheating starts in the mind...and just because you don't let it get to your body doesn't mean you didn't cheat. But becuz you think with a westernized mind you think you in the clear. Thats such a child's way of thinking.

 

[policywank]

CHEATING RATE STATS DON’T ADD UP TO REALITY
According to the NZ Institute for Family Studies about 20% of married men and 13% of women have cheated.


BUT the math doesn’t make sense when you consider an example.

Average Family Size
50 Women have 100 children (2 per average family)
In a group of 100 children, 2 children (some say more than that) were conceived by a man not their family ‘father’.
These 2 children have 2 mothers.
So two of the 50 mothers (4% of mothers) have a child that is NOT conceived by her partner/husband

Births
To achieve 100 LIVE births, 140 pregnancies are required.
Miscarriages will take 6 babies leaving 134.
In New Zealand 53% of pregnancies are unplanned.
So that equates in this example to 66 PLANNED pregnancies
And 68 UNPLANNED pregnancies (totaling 134).

Planned pregnancies are UNLIKELY to be aborted
so abortions can mostly be attributed mostly to UNPLANNED pregnancies.

This link gives data of pregnancies, miscarriage and abortions in New Zealand
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29094755/
From that data you can work out that 48% of UNPLANNED pregnancies are aborted.

So, 48% of the 68 = 34 UNPLANNED babies are aborted leaving 100 live births.
Again, 2 in 100 (2%) of children are from the 2 mothers (4% of 50 mothers) to a man not here partner/husband.
HOWEVER
A women does not need to inform her husband/partner of the intention to have an abortion.
An unplanned pregnancy of a woman who has cheated leads her to think the pregnancy MIGHT be to her lovers.
She will therefore consider an abortion (due to the ease of DNA testing) as way of concealing her cheating.
If 4% of women get pregnant AND go on to give birth to a Lovers child
then it is feasible that many women would not want the UNPLANNED (possibly Lovers) baby to continue.

Let us suppose about 3 of 34 UNPLANNED pregnancies are terminated, due to
the woman thinking it MIGHT be a Lover pregnancy, then that adds 3 more women who cheat.
THEREFORE in total, 5 of 50 (10%) of women cheat.

CONTRACEPTION
With contraception methods avoiding pregnancy to a lover, the probable cheating rate has to be a lot higher than the 13% stated at the beginning of this hypothesis.
possible twice (20%)……or probably more?

I think that the actual incidence of cheating probably is higher than 13%.

However, I think that this is interesting data and analysis, but there are too many layered assumptions that - while they are logical - are not empirically provably accurate to draw any firm conclusions.

I've seen other studies that suggest the incidence of cheating in North America is roughly the same for each gender at around 20%. Much of that same research suggests that women are just as likely to do it primarily for the sex - satisfaction or variety - as men. Many of our societal assumptions about men and women and our relationship and sexual needs are somewhat manufactured. The idea that men are all about the sex and women are all about the tenderness (to greatly oversimplify) isn't necessarily supported by the data.

 

[MrKeen]

I think that the actual incidence of cheating probably is higher than 13%.

However, I think that this is interesting data and analysis, but there are too many layered assumptions that - while they are logical - are not empirically provably accurate to draw any firm conclusions.

I've seen other studies that suggest the incidence of cheating in North America is roughly the same for each gender at around 20%. Much of that same research suggests that women are just as likely to do it primarily for the sex - satisfaction or variety - as men. Many of our societal assumptions about men and women and our relationship and sexual needs are somewhat manufactured. The idea that men are all about the sex and women are all about the tenderness (to greatly oversimplify) isn't necessarily supported by the data.

You say there are too many layered assumptions.
Look again and you will see that there is ONE ASSUMPTION in each of the last two paragraphs.
Everything above the last two paragraphs are FACTS that have been quoted at the bottom end of probability from available stats.

 

[policywank]

You say there are too many layered assumptions.
Look again and you will see that there is ONE ASSUMPTION in each of the last two paragraphs.
Everything above the last two paragraphs are FACTS that have been quoted at the bottom end of probability from available stats.

Those two assumptions are quite central to the conclusion and minor variations will change them a lot. The premise that 3 out of 34 terminations may be due to the woman thinking someone else might be the father is unsupported and represent 3 of the 5 that supposedly cheated - 60% of the data set of cheaters is based upon an assumption.

Further I am not aware of any jurisdiction that does such extensive genetic testing that they can say with certainty that 2 out of 100 children are fathered by the "other" man as noted in the first paragraph. Perhaps they do in New Zealand, but it is respectfully a tiny and isolated island nation which cannot be assumed to represent civilization at large.

The fact that planned pregnancies are unlikely to be aborted is a reasonable assumption but hardly quantitatively definitive - lots of pregnancies are terminated due to developmental problems with the fetus. So while it is arguable that most abortions are attributable to unplanned pregnancies, "most" isn't a number.

All that said no capital letter hostility is necessary. I said that I agree with the overall premise and direction, but there are too many assumptions to draw definitive conclusions.

 

[MrKeen]

Those two assumptions are quite central to the conclusion and minor variations will change them a lot. The premise that 3 out of 34 terminations may be due to the woman thinking someone else might be the father is unsupported and represent 3 of the 5 that supposedly cheated - 60% of the data set of cheaters is based upon an assumption.

Further I am not aware of any jurisdiction that does such extensive genetic testing that they can say with certainty that 2 out of 100 children are fathered by the "other" man as noted in the first paragraph. Perhaps they do in New Zealand, but it is respectfully a tiny and isolated island nation which cannot be assumed to represent civilization at large.

The fact that planned pregnancies are unlikely to be aborted is a reasonable assumption but hardly quantitatively definitive - lots of pregnancies are terminated due to developmental problems with the fetus. So while it is arguable that most abortions are attributable to unplanned pregnancies, "most" isn't a number.

All that said no capital letter hostility is necessary. I said that I agree with the overall premise and direction, but there are too many assumptions to draw definitive conclusions.

Firstly your para 2 lines 1-2
If you did look into it, there are reputable sources of information on that topic.
Some are quite ridiculous such as magazine articles.
The cheating rate also changes greatly with differences in cultures.
The 2% figure I use is at the lowest end of the scale, USA sort of in the middle and Espanic right up there (10%).
I know very well that NZ is not a representation of civilization at large

Para 3
“Lots of” isn’t a number “either”
US “medical” abortion rates are 30% of all abortions, which would logically be attributed to planned and unplanned pregnancies.
Therefore in my example, 15% (5) of the 34 unplanned pregnancies become medical.
Still leaves the 34-5 = 29 UNplanned pregnancies being carried out.
Doesn’t change the unplanned pregnancies much does it.

Para1 line 2
You claim that “3 of the 5 that supposedly cheated - 60% of the data set of cheaters is based upon an assumption.”
But, based on my assumption, that if 2 women have a ‘lovers’ child, then I think it very likely that at least 2 would terminate an Unplanned pregnancy to hide her cheating.
That’s 3 of 27 pregnancies (10%) which I think is a modest number
I remind you that these women are pregnant and the father is more likely to be her partner, but she doesn’t know.

I add to my previous paragraph
“CONTRACEPTION
“With contraception methods avoiding pregnancy to a lover, the probable cheating rate has to be a lot higher than the 13% stated at the beginning of this hypothesis.
possible twice (=20%)……or probably more?”

When used correctly hormonal birth control has a very low failure rate
https://americanpregnancy.org/unpla...ls-patches-and-devices/birth-control-failure/
But clearly there is a lot less reliable methods which results in an unplanned pregnancies.

Probable more
We are now in the situation of ‘we will never know’ but to me there must be, on average, when contraception is in use, hundreds of instance of cheating that are just that.