india malay lesbian....please help

[Guest]

I'm 25 years old Indian female.... Well to tell u about myself...I have 4 sisters and I'm 2nd in family, my father passes away while I'm 13th in an ACT. I hate my father for his bad attitude towards my mum and also us... Till the minute he died...he used to beat my mum and sometimes us if we defend mum.... All of us hate him so much until I have a deep feeling to even kill him....I start have ambition to be a police so that I can have a gun and shoot him....... but naturally...I love boys stuff like wear pants or shorts all the time (I will wear dress sometime if my mum force ), play boys toys, play soldier, practice karate and so on....... (since I start choose myself). I have to say, our family more peace and happier after my father decrease.

But a problem starts thru me! When I'm 14th I start missing my girl-friends....I will do anything for them and really like them.....When I get a new girl friend, I will really loyal and love her (just friends). But I don't realize that this is something 'different' that time! When I'm 17th, I meet a female friend and we are very close. We use to talk in phone few hours......this make my mum start worried.....my family (mum & sisters) start to control me and scold me for my over-limited relationship..... I love my family very much but I can¡¯t take it when they disallowed me to friend with her...so can say everyday I will fight with my mum....when she against me. Many times I got beat and slapped for meeting her secretly. But I still continue for the relationship I want. Mum will cried and say I'm same as my father in torturing her......she really disappointed with me! I just can't take the words and even once I tried to commit suicide.....because dun want to 'torture' my family anymore, but they safe me........I really felt their love when I was in hospital and still remember how badly my mum cried when she knows I tried to commit suicide! I regret for make her cried more and more but I have no choice than that at that time...or maybe I¡¯m not matured enough to find a solution.

I back to home with a hope to change for their sake! But I can't ! After few days it's continue again! My family might have thought that I don't love or appreciate them but it's not true! I love them so much and willing to die for them but not ends the relationship!
But soon my relationship with my this friend become closeness. After few months my friend slowly change and start avoiding me.....I knew it is because her family pressure! I have no choice I can't force anybody to love me! I suffer a lot but I recover and my family happy for that. But it's didn't last longer...When I'm 19th I met again a new female friend (my junior).....yes! I have problem with my family again and I just dun know how to solve....... until this second I don't know what is gay and so on. I just realize that I'm attached so much to my female friends!

My family sent me outstation for further studies so that my friend and me would not able to keep in touch..! Because we are still studying and would not have much money to spend for us. But we did continue keep in touch thru phone with skipped my meals to safe money....!! Yes I understand that we are really in love!! We start having kisses and so on when meet. And I realized! Yes we are lesbians. A few time I caught by my family by letter that we exchanged. I'm sure they know that we are in love, but my family and me never talk openly about this issue...they just will scold and force me to end this relationship! We are not open enough to talk about lesbianism and so on even though generally we are quite easy-to-talk family. They really force me to end this relationship and tried in many ways. Scold, critic, condemn, beat, ignore and many but I can't! After 3 years I come back to my hometown and start work. My girlfriend was in outstation (studying) and honest speaking this is the time we really did tried to live as friend or breakup the relationship as lovers. Both suffered a lot (to hide and thrown away the love we made together). We will only contact 1 week once and sometimes purposely not for few weeks. We tried hard to change¡­. for my family sake.....but it's fail! I'm sorry mum, I did tried but I just cannot make it the way you want to!

After 1 year time both could not bear anymore with this self-cheating! Even in this period we don't fall in love with anyone else. We still love each other. We understand that we are cheating ourselves.
Finally, we are back. But we start continue behave like nothing between us. Yes I start pretend and hide my true 'soul'! Last years it does happen be I told my sister that I still keep in touch with her but just as friends. I knew they are not the type easily get cheated but they are trying to 'trust' me with a hope that I'm not cheating! I feel shame for this but again what else I able to do to let them live peacefully? I do not worry that I will be get beat or scold but I do not wish or want make my mum cried again! They also can't observe much cause we will contact when I¡¯m out!

Now she is working outstation 400km away and it is have been 7 years we know each other and we are in true love. We did fight/quarrel many times but never break-off. We still sincere to each other and living as husband wife....of course I'm the guy ;-)
Now I'm working as an Analyst Programmer and support my family. I love my family very much and they love me too. I have a wonderful mum and sisters. We are a happy family. (as long as I pretend 'normal' for them). My elder sister married and has 2 baby.

Now they start forcing me to get marry..... and I'm avoiding......I told them I want to live as single forever..... but nobody agree with me but I'm still trying...... I knew this will lead them to suspect us again! But I have no choice than denied! I dun want cheat my wife and myself! Since I'm small till now internally I'm living as a guy......The way I play, I walk, I fight or even I dream!! I dun like to wear dress or make-up....but externally I'm still following my family's wish and live as a girl.....sometimes they really force and I have to follow ........ when I wear dress I will lack of confidence and passive.....when I wear pants or jeans I will be really active and out-speaking....actually my girlfriend dun like to see me wear lady's dress also but she just accept because she know about my family...she asked me to do transgender many times but I really can't do it against my family....and so she just accept....she respect them a lot as I do..... She always wants to live with my family and take care of my mum. But my family really hates her! I'm very sad for this but what is my ability. I can't even tell them that my wife loves them too! My family is no 1 in shower the love and care and also no1 in being strict!
Nowadays, we feel very upset and being so weak. We have to contact each other thru phone and have to manage the financial part without family's knowledge. We really face hard time to express our love. To live as what we are! Difficult to call, to meet, to spend time together...to being us!! We want to live together as a family but how? My girlfriend¡¯s family dun know about us but (so) they do like me quite much! They also start forcing her to get marry....what we going to do is always puzzle!

I used to surf net for those issue like 'lesbianism', homosexual and Indian culture, equal right, gay marriage and all related. I'm trying to understand myself....I'm trying to gain prove that what we are doing is not a crime...I'm keep telling myself that les is nature and it is also true love......I love her and dun think this will change.....I love my family and her too..... Why lesbians looked as criminals? Why they label us cheaper than a murderer? We dun hurt anybody...we are just in love! I have few good friends but nobody know that I'm les or guy internally expect my 'wife'! Because I'm sure nobody will accept this in my society which have it's conservative norms and values.....especially in the country I live! (malaysia) I knew my family thinking that I'm 'sick' and tried to help me, but the truth is not. They do not have enough knowledge about lesbianism and not open to this at all. What they know is this is wrong and a sin! I still remember, they and my friends did laugh after a guy whom did transgender recently. 'She' is now married. (first case in my town) !

How could I tell that I'm a les to this people? How am I going to make them understand that I didn't choose to be les and I'm not behavior disorder? How they going to understand that they can't force me to love a guy? We can¡¯t choose to whom we falling in love with ! It's natural and I¡¯m just what I am! ohhhhhh god!
I really in dilemma but I dun feel like meeting a doctor... I knew even counselors here will trying to 'correct' us! I believed I'm just a normal person as others! I knew we are going to face more problems soon. Whatever happens, our love would not end. I rather live single without anyone than married to someone I can¡¯t love! At a corner of my heart, I always knew true love would not die!

 

[Starfish]

This is too bad that you have to hide who you really are. It is even hard here in the United States for some people to be who they really are because of the pressure they feel from the idea of 'dissapointing' their families.

Fear of being chastised, discriminated against, etc. by society alone causes many to hide themselves.

That is why so many seek unity within a subculture here in the U.S. It is sort of like gaining a new family. One that will accept you for who you are, and love you and care about you.

It is a shame that your family can't love you for who you are, and not what they want you to be.

I wish you luck, but there are no easy answers for this.
You love your family, and you love your wife. They won't accept her. You loose. This is sad, and I am sorry for you.

 

[sexy-girl]

first off there is nothing wrong with you AT all


i was worried myself that my family and my girlfriends family wouldnt accept us


but the fear was never the same as what you must be going through im deeply sorry and i wish i could give you advice


i think maybe you should talk to CB on here she is from the indian culture and is a very lovely person who might be able to offer you some advice too ... i will think about this over next few days and try to offer any kind of advice or help you need

 

[Guest]

thank you for kind words. although it does not help answer questions. I am sure to appreciate some reassurance that Iii am normal and not bad. thank you. I love both family and wife but I dont know what to do. It is because of indian culture this is happening. but indian culture good too....lots of love. i know some Kolkata or delhi woman married i heard on internet news. can someone point me to resource? maybe i can find a rishi to marry us? then it would be e okay. i have heard stories of indian ladies marrying other ladies it is in our tradition also. if I could get evidence then maybe it not so shame and allowed? please can you direct me to it?any resources will be help. thank you.

 

[Guest]

thank you also Sexy-GIirl. you are gay. i hope you can provide me some answers. Is CB a indian lesbian too. I am a 5th generation indian living in malasia. it is hard to be lesbian here. please i hope you can provide me advice. thank you.

 

[Rupali]

Hi, I am really sorry for your predicament. I am Indian and bisexual, but I live in the US. I understand how difficult this must be, especially because you do love your family and you feel torn between them, your girlfriend and yourself.

I know two South Asian queer groups that might be able to help you with resources, support, etc. One is called SALGA and based in New York. The other is called Trikone and based in San Francisco. I'm sorry I don't know any in Malaysia. But maybe you can search for SALGA and Trikone on the web and someone there might know more.

 

[Rupali]

Web sites

SALGA's website is www.salganyc.org. They have contact information and under resources they have a place listed in Kuala Lampur. I don't know how close you live, but that's probably a good start.

Trikone's website is www.trikone.org.

And remember, there is nothing wrong with you. all sorts of sexualities exist and are natural. It's just that difference threatens the established social order and frightens a lot of people. Also, this isn't new to the Indian culture. There is mention of women loving each other in many of our ancient texts. Its just been obscured and hidden by the patriarchal society that has since taken over...

A couple movies involving Indian lesbians that you might enjoy are Fire and Chutney Popcorn. I realize they might be difficult for you to get in Malaysia, and you might not have a private place to see them... but if you ever get the opportunity I think you will enjoy them and realize that you are definitely not alone

 

[Guest]

thank you rupali. tell me about yours experience if you please. I will go to google search now.see if it works. hope me the best!

+i am interested in music too. can you tell me a site where i can hear "Chura liya". indian music and bolly films are censored in malaysia. new gov. legislation say no to this things because they say we indian become too lazy if we hear and see this. the government here not like indians. I am sad to say.

can you tell me how to emigrate to america. maybe everything will be okay?i take wife there. i can listen to india music and love my family. no disgrace too. how can i live in america? please give me details if you know thanks.

 

[Guest]

Re: Web sites

SALGA's website is www.salganyc.org. They have contact information and under resources they have a place listed in Kuala Lampur. I don't know how close you live, but that's probably a good start.

Trikone's website is www.trikone.org.

And remember, there is nothing wrong with you. all sorts of sexualities exist and are natural. It's just that difference threatens the established social order and frightens a lot of people. Also, this isn't new to the Indian culture. There is mention of women loving each other in many of our ancient texts. Its just been obscured and hidden by the patriarchal society that has since taken over...

A couple movies involving Indian lesbians that you might enjoy are Fire and Chutney Popcorn. I realize they might be difficult for you to get in Malaysia, and you might not have a private place to see them... but if you ever get the opportunity I think you will enjoy them and realize that you are definitely not alone

than you. you helped me alot. how can i repay you. you seem to be very astute and clever lady to know so much. i am glad i came here to meet you. you are helpful and kind. every indian should be like you. thanks.

 

[Rupali]

My experience

Well, my experience has been easier than yours for many reasons. First off, I present feminine, so I love make-up and dresses and saris. I have several Indian women friends that present masculine and I know it is very difficult for them in a culture that is as gendered as ours.

Also, I don't live with my parents. I don't even live in the same state. I moved away when I started college. That's the accepted way of doing things in the US and I don't have any pressures to go live with them. I doubt they'd want me to. So I haven't told them about my sexuality. I have been getting pressured to get married by them, but so far have been able to put them off.

Then there's the fact that I'm bisexual, not a lesbian. So I could be happy married to a man. And I know several people that are interested in the idea of open relationships...the guy I'm seeing right now is bisexual as well.

But my first experience with a woman was when I was 21. I had gone to college with her. We were very close but she had a girlfriend that she really cared about. Unfortunately we were very attracted to each other as well. So one evening we were at a party and couldn't stop ourselves any more. We slept together several times, but it got a little messy. Finally, she decided to stay with her girlfriend and we are still good friends. In a weird twist, I'm also friends with her girlfriend now.

I don't know about a web site where you can hear Indian songs. I'll talk to my parents and see what they know.

As far as emigrating, its really difficult. Especially if you don't have anyone here to sponsor you. And don't get the wrong idea. The US, by and large, is a pretty homophobic society and the laws reflect that. They won't allow you to bring over your girlfriend. US immigration laws don't recognize same sex relationships.

 

[Guest]

thankyou for sharing that story. you are like me and you are not traditional indian? maybe america not so good for me? but i sense some animosty towards indian men from you, am i correct? I do not liked my father. he was bad man. but my uncle was very good and like a father and so too was my cousin. sadly he died because of race riots. he was a very good soul. i want to be like him oneday. he saved 5 families from poverty and helped us all. he died unmarried virgin at 28. he was doctor of physics. before he became doctor He would work from 4.a.m in menial labour and study and teach and do more work until he went to sleep at 12.p.m. his family very proud of him. he did not lose his virginity because he was pure, he wanted to keep family honor. but he looked very good. i am a les and was not attracted sexilly but he still attract me.

Have you been to himalayas Rupali? he is like a beautiful mountain or river. he is natural beauty. when seeing him he looks and you put your jaw to the ground. very beautiful. very much what a god on earth may look like. Chinese and malay girls would court him and want to be with im even. Even though chinese and malay don't like indian much. Other guys would spit at him and cause trouble. after work about 1 year ago he comes around our house and gives presents. he tells father not to hit mother sternly father likes nephew and smiles. when i see him dead on the floor with bullet wound it make me cry. he was in a funeral procession and malays were carrying wedding. few malays did not like india funerals so angry they got.they get violent. my cousin try to stop fighting and he die. when other indians see him dead they get angry because everyone know he is a good man. he did everything for his family and other families too. when i see him on the ground with his hands which...had cuts and calloused because he work so hard..menial work then study and work even more FOR US for us. i become sad. but i want to be like him. he wanted to marry and so did my uncle want him married...but they waited for suitable time....in the end too late. my cousin was a good man and i love him like a brother. he is better than all chinese man and malay men i have seen. he is funny, smart, caring, loving, loves to play with children and always talked about marriage. I remember when he was younger and his skin was so soft they feel like feather. he had large eyes but were very beautiful. I have seen hollywood movies and those men can't look as good as my bhai. but i like women and maybe i am bias? No, i dun hate men. i am not attracted. i like men. especially indian men. warm and generous but i am not attracted to man. my favorite is indian women

you are lucky to live in america. In malaysia, indians are looked down on...they dun like us. thats why i like my indianess. i listen to indian music like 'Chura Liya' by Reema dasgupta and Debasish dasgupta. help me find it on the net please. I love that song. i sing all time. we are told indian is bad. we are told we are bad people. that is why i wan protect my culture. i love india and it is the land of ancestors. i will not forget. maybe you forgotten? there are lady lady stories in india, i know because i heard some...but can't find.

but thank you for telling me your story. you are ashamed of being indian atleast you have a choice. in malaysian, we are not allows to be proud of being indian....that is why i will always protect Karma Bhoomi.

 

[Rupali]

Wrong impression

I'm sorry, you completely got the wrong impression from me. I don't dislike Indian men at all. In fact, the guy I'm seeing currently is Indian. And I am very proud of my heritage. I have a lot of family in India and I try to go visit at least once every two years or so. It's just that I look at my culture with open eyes, and realize that there is a lot about it I don't like...just like any culture. So I take what I like, what I agree with, and incorporate it into my life. And I try to associate with Indians who think in similar ways as me, or at least those who are open minded.
And I am sorry for all the pain and trauma you have gone through. My roomate is Malaysian of Indian descent and she has told me similar things. It sounds like a horrible situation, no one should ever be made to feel inferior becasue of their race. So I am amazed that in the middle of that type of environment you have managed to foster your pride in your Indian culture. Good for you!

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[Guest]

Rupali - Thankyou for setting me Str8. you like indian men but do you not like your family then(ma and baba)? justcurious....You are a good woman at heart, i know.

Cb - you sound confused. what is all this Me me me attitude and the idea of 'I' which you are being obsessed with? maybe you wan to be 'white'? Then why say you are even indian at all? Sorry...dun mean to offend, it just comes across that you wan to be white so much but still afraid to let go of culture and be without training wheels? If you want to be 'white' then....be white. Forget family...if you dun love them. They will be stronger for it. ....As will you... but if you are still undecided both you and family will suffer. sorry...but you are not indian....I live in Malaysia and I call myself indian if people ask me. if people ask you...you should say you white...it is your mindset.

------------------------------------

I had many bad things happen but they are past. future many bad things may happen but I will ALways love the people I love now, my family, my wife, my community, my religion...and they are even more imporatnt than any bad thing. ...they will make me forget bad things. and think only good things.

 

[Savage Kitten]

Cb - you sound confused. what is all this Me me me attitude and the idea of 'I' which you are being obsessed with? maybe you wan to be 'white'? Then why say you are even indian at all? Sorry...dun mean to offend, it just comes across that you wan to be white so much but still afraid to let go of culture and be without training wheels? If you want to be 'white' then....be white. Forget family...if you dun love them. They will be stronger for it. ....As will you... but if you are still undecided both you and family will suffer. sorry...but you are not indian....I live in Malaysia and I call myself indian if people ask me. if people ask you...you should say you white...it is your mindset.

That was so very unfair of you to say.

I don't know much about your culture but I do know how cultural differences can tear people apart. I feel sad for you and the situation you are in. I believe any gift of love that one can achieve is precious.

See how you suffer? How you are so miserable you are willing to take your own life. You said yourself that you are confused, struggling with what you want and what your family wants for you. That may be your life. You may not have any other choice but to live in denial and secrecy.

But, CB lives in the USA. Here she is free to make her own decisions. To live her own life. She is valued as an intelligent woman. If you lived here you would do the same. That wouldn't mean you were turning your back on your heritage. Or, that you were obsessed with yourself.

I think, you should take your own advice: "Forget family... They will be stronger for it. ....As will you... but if you are still undecided both you and family will suffer."

Sk~ 'white'