Independent vs. Dependent - Dominants/subs

[s'lara]

i've been through some of the recent threads and one thought continued to reverberate ... is it necessary to be devoid of all independence (financial/emotional/mental) in order to be a submissive/slave/bottom?

Let me elaborate.

It is my understanding that some Dominants prefer Their submissives to be independent in day to day living such as holding jobs, managing their own money, ability to exist without micromanaging of their entire days, etc. Then you have the Dominants who want to control every aspect of their submissives lives down to what they are allowed to watch on television.

What i would like to know is the following:

Dominants - What would you prefer in terms of dependency from your submissive/slave/bottom? Would you prefer an independent person; someone who feels complete with You in his/her life, but will not cease to function should You leave/expire? Or would you rather someone who is completely dependent upon You for survival; someone who needs Your input on everything (i mean the smallest decisions)?

submissives/slaves/bottoms - How dependent are you willing to be? i am not talking about trust ... we all know that is a requisite. i am talking about dependency ...financially, mentally, emotionally. Do you as the sub/slave/bottom believe it is necessary to surrender your personal independence, daily ability to cope, etc. to Someone else in order to be "the good sub/slave/bottom?"

Thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

 

[Desdemona]

As a sub, no, I don't think it is necessary for me to surrender my ability to cope in daily life. Fortunately, Master agrees with me. He wants me to be strong and capable. He doesn't have the time or inclination to micromanage every aspect of my life. However, I do ask His opinion for many decisions I make.

 

[FungiUg]

What would you prefer in terms of dependency from your submissive/slave/bottom? Would you prefer an independent person; someone who feels complete with You in his/her life, but will not cease to function should You leave/expire? Or would you rather someone who is completely dependent upon You for survival; someone who needs Your input on everything (i mean the smallest decisions)?

It varies from person to person -- so any prospective submissive or dominant would do well to include this in a discussion about compatibility. I do know many dominants view submission differently to myself, and there is nothing invalid with their requirements. What I list below is how I view submission -- not "the right way", just my way.

Me, I can't handle "dependent" people -- in friends, lovers, submissives, whatever. Nor can I handle "doormats" (people who submit to everyone), or "victims" (people who won't take responsibility for the issues in their lives.)

Submission has to be a gift, made conciously, from a position of strength. That way I appreciate it, and I know it's not perpetuating some sort of cycle of abuse. If submission is something that the person offers to everyone, then why would it mean something special to me?

Similarly, if the submissive wants me to control all aspects of her life, then how do I know that the submission is a continuing concious choice? I need to know that someone submitting to me is doing it because it is a turn on, it's deliberate, and so on. So when her submission is a contrast from the rest of her life, then that helps me know it's real.

This also helps me feel like I am giving something to the submissive that she values. I have run into submissives who have unresolved issues of abuse in their past, and frankly the thought of playing with someone like that makes me feel dirty -- like what they are after is someone to perpetuate that abuse. *Shudder*

I've also found in the past that when people are in a relationship out of a sense of "need", that can end up causing resentment. Because of that, I prefer to found my relationships on "want" and "desire" (or even better, wanton desire!)

So, to summarise, I like someone who doesn't "need" me, but instead, makes a choice to submit to me because she desires my dominance.

 

[Netzach]

Strong strong STRONG preference for independent submissives, either male or female.

You submit, you work for me, I don't work for you.

I'm not someone who fetishizes control though, I fetishize service and obedience much more. If there's a direct order, obey it. If there's not a direct order obey any standing orders and maintain, do whatever you need to do and just deal.

It's not to say I'm not there for advice, it's not to say I'm not there for a sounding board or a friend, even. I will not choose your socks every day because it's somehow my job. I may one day tell you to wear the blue ones because I feel like it, and I expect the blue ones to be worn. It's my right, it's not my duty.

It's not to say I won't take care of you. I will do that, I will nurture your emotions, I will encourage and support you. I will not take away all the daunting and shitty things in the world and foam-rubber-pad all its sharp edges for you. I may even help you overcome some of those monsters yourself.

 

[Quint]

Agreement with all of the above. It is a tempting thought sometimes, to relinquish my fears of "how am I going to prove that I'm responsible and capable of creating a good life for myself?" I so often lack focus and motivation and it would be sooo easy to simply relax and let T dictate my life. No worries about screwing up, except by not obeying him--and I've found that he is not nearly as scary as the unfamiliarity of Life Outside His House.

Of course, knowing that about myself, I'm so completely not going to do it. I recognize my reasons and I think they're crap. I'm capable of handling myself--I just haven't had enough experience to trust in my capabilities. I also think that I would be hiding from a life that could be great, rather than having that great life that I share with T. I want him to be my companion, not my crutch.

I also don't know if I have the depth of trust that it would take to depend entirely on another person. I am a total control freak most of the time; it takes serious effort to share responsibility on projects that I'm a part of. This is much like the trust exercises that you see sometimes with new groups; I would be falling backwards and expecting someone to catch me. Every day. In every second. I'm just a little daunted by that prospect; even now, even submitting to T as I do, I know that if the worst happens, I would still have the means to live and start again. If I depended on him for everything, I would miss out on life lessons that I would really need were things to go wrong.

Sooo in a nutshell, I agree with the above three.

 

[ownedsubgal]

well i am the extremely dependent sort of submissive...the unpopular type...but my dependence doesn't make me a "good" submissive, it is just another part of who i am. i don't think a slave or submissive who ISN'T dependent, isn't "good". i have a dependent sort of personality, always have. when i hold someone dear to my heart, and know they hold me dear, i become dependent on that person, emotionally. when in a romantic relationship, a serious commitment, that dependence carries over into everyday life. i need that person simply to function anywhere close to normally. i have only been in love once, with my Master, so of course he is the only person i have ever been TOTALLY dependent on, for everything from emotional to physical needs. it was not a conscious decision i made, to be dependent on him...it wasn't something he commanded...it just naturally happened, as we grew closer and closer...i needed him more and more. He in turn needed me to need him more and more, as our bond strengthened, our love flourished. He never before had a submissive who truly NEEDED him in order to function. He did have a slave who gave up her right to make decisions in her life, but she was fully capable of doing these things on her own, she just CHOSE not to. i don't choose not to control my own life. i CAN'T control my own life. i used to view this as a huge weakness on my part, a flaw, something ugly and undesirable about me. it was my Master who showed me that this part of me was beautiful.

now as for "micromanaging"...my Master doesn't do too much of that. He's far too busy of a man to have to tell me daily what to eat and what color underwear to wear. so there are many small things, i decide for myself, based on what i know he wants of me (and what i know he doesn't want). for example, he doesn't lay my clothes out for me everyday (although he has done that on occasion), but you would never see put on a pair of full coverage panties (unless it were "that" time of the month), or wear restrictive clothing that couldn't be removed quickly, because those are my Master's wishes. He doesn't usually tell me how to style my hair, but i know how he likes it, and that's how i wear it. everything i do is within his wishes. there isn't anything i do in life, no matter how small, that isn't connected to him in some way, because he is who/what my life revolves around. my Master is my best friend and the only person i really "hang out" with. i make no decisions without him. i wouldn't even be posting on this message board, had i not received his permission first, and i know the sorts of things i'm allowed to post and not allowed to post, and adhere to those restrictions. i'm not permitted to go anywhere alone, and if i am to go somewhere with someone other than him, then i need his permission well in advance and there are procedures the person must go through to test whether or not my Master finds them suitable. and yes, this applies to even things like going out with a girlfriend (not that i have any girlfriends, lol). i have no money of my own, whether i am working or not. currently he doesn't want me working, but i have been allowed to have a job in the past, and never was the money i earned "my" money, it was his. everything i owned before him became his, and everything that passes into my hands now is his. i own nothing. i do receive an allowance, which is nice, but it is a very small amount, not enough to say, hop on a plane and escape with. i do not know how to drive, so rely on him entirely for transportation. a while ago i was trying to figure out a map so that i could possibly take a bus somewhere one day (not alone of course), but i just couldn't figure the darn thing out. i told my Master, and he chuckled and said that he was not going to help me figure it out, because he rather likes keeping me in the dark. i can't associate with people my Master doesn't find acceptable for me, so that means that in a way he chooses my friends. my weight has to be within a certain 9 pound range, my body has to be fit/toned, there are things i'm not allowed to eat, and there is a limit to how much i can eat (for instance, i am not permitted to have "another helping"). there are websites i am not permitted to visit, TV shows and movies i am not permitted to watch, etc. but he does let me watch the golden girls, i couldn't live without that, lol. i have a bedtime, and a wake up time. if he is at home, and i have to use the bathroom, i must ask his permission first. same goes for eating or sleeping. my Master has taught me that everything is a priviledge, so i am always grateful to be allowed to do anything, including (especially!) tinkling.

were he to one day to just suddenly vanish from the face of the earth (and let's say he had made no plans for my care)? i would be utterly lost. i do not know how to go about getting a job, or how to go about physically getting to that job once i have one. i don't know how to manage money, don't know how to start a bank account or pay bills. i have no clue how one goes about filing their taxes. i have a social anxiety problem in addition to being very submissive and very dependent natured, so functioning in the world without him would be quite difficult, nearly impossible. i'd have to rely on others who i did not love or trust, and i know from experience the horrors that can happen when that is the case. but more than all this, i adore my Master, as much as i need him for all the everyday physical things, i need him even more emotionally. so without him, my purpose in life would be gone, and i would have no reason to live. so i in every sense of the word "need" my Master. but i also WANT my Master, and could never want another.

for us, this works. my Master is the kind of Dominant who likes being needed in every way, who craves a completely dependent submissive. for many other Dominants, this is the exact opposite of what they would find desirable. fortunately, there is someone out there for us all.

 

[FungiUg]

well i am the extremely dependent sort of submissive...the unpopular type...but my dependence doesn't make me a "good" submissive, it is just another part of who i am.

Wow, that's quite a post, ownedsubgal!

Please don't assume you are "unpopular". We are all different -- there's no right or wrong in this. It just pays to find someone who matches your needs, and it seems you and your Master have done exactly that.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Wow, that's quite a post, ownedsubgal!

Please don't assume you are "unpopular". We are all different -- there's no right or wrong in this. It just pays to find someone who matches your needs, and it seems you and your Master have done exactly that.

FungiUg (you should hear how silly i sound trying to pronounce your nick, lol), yes you are right, finding that one that suits us is what's important. for a very long time i thought that i would be alone forever, because i never heard of a man desiring a girl like me for a mate, in the vanilla or D/s world. that is why i say i am the "unpopular" type. but i have no problem at all with that, as i am extremely popular in one Man's eyes.

 

[s'lara]

osg - Thank you for being so candid and forthcoming. i admit to being left a little speechless by your life as you live it. Speechless because i don't believe i could walk in your shoes.

Does it make it your type of person unpopular? Not necessarily, but then again, you shouldn't worry about whether it is unpopular. If it works for you both, great. i offer a sincere wish that He keep you safe always.

lara

 

[Ms_Lilith]

As a switch, I have to answer both sides:

If I were to have a submissive, I wouldn't want either option you've outlined... I would want something in between.. independant enough to function, to hold down a job, care for their children (if they're not OUR children, and if we're living apart), all that stuff. I'm happy with them deciding what to wear (most of the time.. sometimes, I'll want to choose, for my own enjoyment), what to eat (unless it is stupidly unhealthy, ie huge portions of red meat, large quantities of alcohol, etc), and how late to stay up (unless they're overtired and I know their body needs a rest). I guess what I'm saying is that, to some extent, I want them to be independant, but I want to be able to both have the authority to order them to care for themselves better, if they are not doing so, and to be able to have control over some things, like clothing, if I wish it, though it is not necessary. And I do want my submissive to be sad if I leave.. I am not someone who mistreats people, and I would treat my submissive very well, and look out for her needs, and her desires, as well as looking out for my own. I want the kind of devotion and loyalty that comes along with that kind of treatment... but I don't think that necessarily is an issue of dependence.

AS a submissive, I like to be independent. I love that Sir looks out for my well-being, but the situation being as it is, we have never met, and it being an online relationship, I have much freedom. I choose what I wear (for the most part, as he has ordered certain guidelines in my clothing), I spend time with whom I wish, work when I have to work, etc. If I were in a RL D/s relationship, I would want my Dom to have a little more control.. to choose what I wear, to expect certain things of me, especially in behavioural patters, etc.

I guess it's all the mean. I want to be somewhat dependent, and moreso independent. My submissive, I think, I would want to be the same way.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

submissives/slaves/bottoms - How dependent are you willing to be? i am not talking about trust ... we all know that is a requisite. i am talking about dependency ...financially, mentally, emotionally. Do you as the sub/slave/bottom believe it is necessary to surrender your personal independence, daily ability to cope, etc. to Someone else in order to be "the good sub/slave/bottom?"

Thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

Good thread idea.

I am a very hard headed person who is extremely independant. I like to make choices for myself, and do not hesitate to do so. What gives me the greatest pleasure as a submissive is giving up my independance, even if it is only emotionally. I NEED to trust and LOVE my Owner. I can not happily submit with out those 2 things. I like relying on my Owner for emotional support, stability and for the occassional reality check.
Being dependant is not something i do well or easily, but i have found that when someone touches me to the core, i can and do depend on them for my mental and emotional health. It makes Them more necessary to me.
Maybe, others see it as being too strong or expecting too much leeway. I see it as knowing that i NEED a strong-willed individual to bring out the best possible sub in me. I like for my Owner to tell me what they like and dislike. I like for them to make unilateral decisions based on what's best for me in Their opinion..but i also need to know that when i disagree, They will listen to my side and help me come up with a good compromise.
After all, I am a strong woman and will always be one...even if i feel the need to give myself to THE ONE i care for in a submissive way.

The Brat Princess
PET

 

[Croctden]

Independent

I've had problems with overly dependent subs in the past. I don't desire to run someone elses life. Other than their sex life, that is. I prefer a girl with spark, not a childlike girlfriend.

This is in part self interest, sometimes I want to just go chill out, she's got to have her own life and be able to entertain herself.

 

[StarCandies]

I generally have a low opinion of myself but I have a low opinion of people altogether and as a matter-of-fact I find I don’t think very highly of anything sunsets, children, faith, love you name it I can think of one obvious flaw. I wouldn’t submit myself to just anyone. I’ll never submit myself to someone I couldn’t depend on completely however I would never completely depend on you even though I could. The reason for this is simple I could not sacrifice enough of myself to earn my dependence and no domme could earn the level of trust that amount of self sacrifice would take. My identity and the choices I have made (however flawed) are the only things about myself I value.
I guess it comes down to how much of yourself you willing to give. A Dom cannot expect high level of submission with out providing the same level love, care and guidance. A sub cannot expect to be absolutely dependent without submitting absolutely. It has to be an equal exchange of power. As for me sunsets pass, children grow up, faith misleads, love can fade and people are shit so I don’t trust them.

 

[Justina123]

Sir would not enjoy making every little decision for me, that would take up too much of his time and effort. As subgal said, though, I mostly know what his preferences are and always try to follow them, and when in doubt I ask. But he doesn't want to be constantly asked things like what I should make for dinner, what I should wear, etc. and he certainly does not try to tell me how to do my 9-5 job, because he doesn't know, any more than I have any clue how to do his!

But the key for us is.... ultimately, I happily and freely give him the final say in anything he CHOOSES to make the decision in. Much of the time, he values my intelligence and my initiative and prefers to leave many daily details to me.

- justina

 

[catalina_francisco]

First I think it important to realise there is differentiation between subs, slaves, and bottoms and their expected roles. For myself I am a slave and made that choice before finding Master. I was not interested in being anything else.

I do not feel a need to prove to myself or anyone I can do things, make decisions, survive alone, as I have already done that several times over in my life, and lived to tell the tale despite the odds. So my need to be independent is less than someone who may be driven by that need to know they are capable of it, who have not had the chance to yet experience it for themselves. However, that does not make it any easier, if anything, perhaps it makes it harder to make the decision to give up that right to independence. I am so used to doing for myself and my loved ones, being the reliable one in the family, it takes conscious effort and continual reassurance to know I can release some of that independent spirit and give control to Master.

In our relationship, he does not want me to become a doormat, wants me to have my own thoughts and opinions, offer my thoughts if I feel they are needed or would save him some difficulty, and tell him if I have any problem dealing with an order or expectation so we can deal with it. I have become financially dependent on him, given up my career and home, and live by his rules in his domain. My life now is to be available for him, to learn to focus on his needs and desires, and as such do all I can to make his life with me one of comfort, pleasure, and peace.

Master does not manage every minute detail in my life, though I am aware it is his right, and at times he does direct me to wear a certain outfit, how to wear my hair, whether I can wear makeup, particular chores he wants completed by a stated time etc. There are also set rules about bedtime and when to rise in the morning, and taking care of myself as his property. To direct each and every detail of my life would make it near impossible for him to conserve energy for work!! LOL. He tries to maximise my skills for his use in the ways he chooses....for example, he has me manage the financial side of our life, though he reserves the right to override any decisions I make in that area.

Though I am not 100% dependent on him, I am more dependent than I have been in my life, and as time goes by I will give up even more of my independence to his will. I am particularly dependent also as I now live in a country where I do not speak the language so that presents a whole new set of restrictions on me for now which prove frustrating to us both. That would be my biggest concern if anything were to happen to him overnight as I am not able to readily communicate, nor am I familiar enough with life here to feel I could cope....but as in other times in my life I tend to surprise myself and many others with my ability to overcome.

If it was demanded of me to become completely dependent in all ways, I would find it stressful and difficult, but I would do my best to make it a reality and part of this is for the selfish reason I do tend to like the extremes in life and love the thought of him controlling me to that degree, to giving up so much of myself to his control, to relinguish all of myself into his loving hands.

Catalina

 

[s'lara]

Hence the individual naming of "subs/slaves/bottoms."

It isn't necessary to define each term as they have been defined numerous times before and i believe (or hope) we all know the distinction between them. I also note that it is just as easy for a submissive to be financially/emotionally dependent on a Dominant as a slave as well as having your days micro-managed and living with the knowledge that it is the Dominant's right to expend an increasing level of control over your (submissive) life.

Funny that you mention it though C. i note that ownedsubgal considers herself a slave, but her name is sort of contrary to her role. Other slaves have used the terms interchangeably and i now kind of wonder if the distinctions are clear. Actually, i am not sure how important it is to the thread so i think i'll leave it be.

Thanks for the comments C. As usual, your message came through loud and clear.

lara

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hence the individual naming of "subs/slaves/bottoms."

It isn't necessary to define each term as they have been defined numerous times before and i believe (or hope) we all know the distinction between them. I also note that it is just as easy for a submissive to be financially/emotionally dependent on a Dominant as a slave as well as having your days micro-managed and living with the knowledge that it is the Dominant's right to expend an increasing level of control over your (submissive) life.

Funny that you mention it though C. i note that ownedsubgal considers herself a slave, but her name is sort of contrary to her role. Other slaves have used the terms interchangeably and i now kind of wonder if the distinctions are clear. Actually, i am not sure how important it is to the thread so i think i'll leave it be.

Thanks for the comments C. As usual, your message came through loud and clear.

lara

I tend to disagree s'lara as there are many who still struggle with the differences in the roles. A sub may have those dependencies, though I have never found them to extend as far as with slaves, nor are they usually out of their control completely as she is free to leave, object, etc., whereas in general, slaves give up that right and surrender control to their owner. What s/he chooses to do with that control then depends on the owner, not the slave. This is true for both osg and myself, though I would guage she has reached a far higher level than I at this point, but one to which I aspire.

As to her name belying her role, I think it spells it out well as IMHO a slave is submissive, thus the 'sub' part, and is indeed owned. As I have stated in other threads, and I know it is only my opinion though many share it, though a slave is submissive, a submissive is not a slave. the responsibilities of the roles differ for me in one retains rights and freedoms, whereas the other does not.

For this reason, I mentioned it as I did not want any misunderstandings in relation to my post. As the question in part was dealing with how dependent one was prepared to become, I thought the distinction was important because in the way I see a slave role, you have to be aware of, and accept, that in committing to the relationship, you may be required to become totally dependent at any time according to the wishes of your owner. My understanding is a submissive faced with a similar proposition from their dominant, still has a choice, and if worse comes to worse, can choose to walk.

Catalina

 

[s'lara]

C - Thanks for providing your clarification as you see it. i appreciate you taking the time to elaborate on what your thinking was behind your statements in light of your recent frustrations with the board.

i am not going to belabor the point concerning subs/slaves/bottoms. Your understanding of the differences are not contrary to my own. Trust me they aren't. My point was it isn't necessary to continually re-hash the differences as we know them. Yes, it is a prospect for you (as a slave) to become completely dependent at His decision, but i wanted to know whether this is what you wanted. Obviously for you the answer is "yes" as you entered into a Master/slave relationship knowing this was a possibility. Question answered.

i do expect that some know the differences and if they don't all they need to do is read some of osg's and your posts and it would be apparent what the differences are without my having to explain it. So, for purposes of clarity (takes a weary breath and apologizes to all who already know the differences):

1. Slaves do NOT have the choice as to whether they want to be financially/emotionally dependent on their Masters ... that right was given up upon acceptance of their role/position as a slave.

2. Submissives - You always have the choice to accept/not accept this kind of dependency. In other words, you can always walk ladies.

3. Bottoms - You fine people know what you can and cannot do. Simply, bottoms are not generally submissive outside of a scene and even then, during a scene, they may not encompass all aspects of being submissive

lara

 

[dragonlace]

I would be willing to be as dependant or independant as Master would wish. As of now I work and hold my own at my job and with my life but i always ask Him and i am not allowed to just spend money frivolously without asking Him first unless of course its a necessary spendature. I ask Him about almost everything out of respect but He doesn't always require it. I am sure that when it becomes more 24-7 He will be more interested in what i am doing but i am sure He will still allow me a job and a life outside of our relationship but if not thats ok too. Its truely up to Him in my case for anything He wishes i will comply for His needs and pleasures are why i am here and if He requires it then so be it.

 

[Peter2002]

Independence vs submission

A submissive or slave or bottom with a life of her own makes her submission or slavery all that more sublime -- in my mind.

But I've enjoyed it the other way as well.

 

[catalina_francisco]

s'lara I detect an air of I'm not sure what, and you misunderstood my statement in reference to clarification, and IMHO over-reacted to something that in the first place, and now, was no more than a simple statement of my perceptions and observation of confusion in other threads and also given we seem to have a few new people still exploring and finding their feet so to speak...but that is your perception to which you are entitled and I will respect it.

Catalina

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... Dominants - What would you prefer in terms of dependency from your submissive/slave/bottom? Would you prefer an independent person; someone who feels complete with You in his/her life, but will not cease to function should You leave/expire? Or would you rather someone who is completely dependent upon You for survival; someone who needs Your input on everything (i mean the smallest decisions)? ...

Thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

i don't need, nor desire a vacuum. i choose your first option.

Just an opinion, but a Master, Dominant, or Top should willing guide their partner, care for them in the smallest ways, and provide the rock for them to lean against in good times and bad. If i have to make the smallest decision, i no longer have independence, and i'm too much a dominant for that. Brainless dependence would become a collar and leash unto itself, and this animal ain't wearing one ever again.

As for her ceasing to function should i leave or expire? i'd rather leave a pleasant memory she can cherish rather than an empty husk laying at the bottom of a barrel.

Now that we've shown you ours, care to show yours?

 

[s'lara]

Hey ... no air of whatchamacallit. i did thank you for being clear about the differences. My apologies if it came out ... not sure how it came out. The bottom line is i am in agreement and thought it a good idea to define the differences for the sake of clarification. You brought up a valid point and i do not see the overreaction. i wanted to stick to the original topic and avoid the rest. Thus, the definitions listed in my post.

If you read something other than a haste to return to the topic at hand in my post ... i offer regrets. Now, lets get back to this interesting subject. Feel free to comment as you always have C without fear or retribution (which is kind of silly to my way of thinking). i vote away with the sensitivity and on to the point of views.

lara

 

[s'lara]

Re: Re: Independent vs. Dependent - Dominants/subs

i don't need, nor desire a vacuum. i choose your first option.

Just an opinion, but a Master, Dominant, or Top should willing guide their partner, care for them in the smallest ways, and provide the rock for them to lean against in good times and bad. If i have to make the smallest decision, i no longer have independence, and i'm too much a dominant for that. Brainless dependence would become a collar and leash unto itself, and this animal ain't wearing one ever again.

As for her ceasing to function should i leave or expire? i'd rather leave a pleasant memory she can cherish rather than an empty husk laying at the bottom of a barrel.

Now that we've shown you ours, care to show yours?

i found the tighter a grip, the better i felt. Let me splain. i liked the control to extend to as much of my life as it could without my loss of identity as "lara." i preferred input from the Dominant in most things, and would choose to have their control include mundane decisions (can lara go to work even though she has a head cold) to larger life decisions (is it really beneficial for lara to change jobs right now).

i did want a Dominant who was my life focus. But ideally, it was also my wish that the Dominant continue to nurture and encourage me to have other things in my world that provided me with stability outside of our immediate relationship. i often thought i would be willing to be dependent financially/emotionally if there were precautions taken to ensure that i would survive their departure.

Nutshelling - i needed to maintain a certain amount of independence. i loved having my world controlled yet also enjoyed the little freedoms (working, expectation of simple decision making, etc.)

i guess for me, it is important to have some independence ... or at least the illusion that i have it. *chuckles*

lara

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hey ... no air of whatchamacallit. i did thank you for being clear about the differences. My apologies if it came out ... not sure how it came out. The bottom line is i am in agreement and thought it a good idea to define the differences for the sake of clarification. You brought up a valid point and i do not see the overreaction. i wanted to stick to the original topic and avoid the rest. Thus, the definitions listed in my post.

If you read something other than a haste to return to the topic at hand in my post ... i offer regrets. Now, lets get back to this interesting subject. Feel free to comment as you always have C without fear or retribution (which is kind of silly to my way of thinking). i vote away with the sensitivity and on to the point of views.

lara

I apologise for any misunderstanding s'lara...perhaps a hangover from recent board events. I think the thread is a valid and good topic that is often taken for granted without full realisation of the delicate dynamics involved. Bringing it out into the open can only help us all evolve that one step further.

Catalina