Increasing my wife's libido

[lopsidedlibidos]

I've been lurking on this board for a long time, and figured it's time I contributed. I've come to respect the opinions of some of the regular posters here, and I'd appreciate some honest feedback on my situation.

My wife and I are in our late 30's. We've been married for over 15 years, and we have three children, ages 4, 7 and 12. We have a strong and loving marriage, and rarely argue about anything. However, like most married couples, we have VASTLY different libidos. I crave affection and sex constantly, while she could probably live the rest of her life without sex and not miss it at all.

Also like most married couples, sex was absolutely fantastic while we were dating, but changed completely the moment we said "I do." What was once exciting and spontaneous became dull and routine shortly after we were married. And once we had our first child, the dullness multiplied exponentially.

My wife and I have great communication with each other, and we've discussed this issue many times through the years. Through those conversations, I've learned that she is very rarely horny, hardly ever thinks about sex during the day, hardly ever dreams about sex at night, and has no sexual fantasies whatsoever. I have to be VERY careful how I approach the topic, however, as she is extremely sensitive about the subject. Any time I question her libido or discuss possible ways to "spice up" our sex life, she immediately becomes defensive and considers it an attack on her as a wife and a lover.

Many years ago, we fell into a pattern where we would have sex every third night. And by that, I mean literally "every third night." Like clockwork. No sexual contact -- or even affection -- was allowed between us for the two days in between. Every third night, we would have sex -- always at the same time (after 11:00pm) and in the same place (our bed.)

While I couldn't complain about the quality, I couldn't help but feel as though she considered this just another household chore, and I began to resent this schedule. And by sticking to such a rigid schedule, it completely sapped all of the spontaneity and excitement out of sex. So, a little more than a year ago, I began a concerted campaign to confront this issue head-on. And after several weeks of long, emotional discussions, she finally began to understand my point of view. And then one day -- totally out of the blue -- she initiated sex during the day, and even came up with new ways to spice things up. That week, we had sex EVERY DAY. And she genuinely seemed to be horny every day during that time. (If not, she was an INCREDIBLE actress!) And our relationship was never better. We showed each other affection throughout the day, we were more relaxed and happy, and it felt as though we were dating again.

But it ended just as abruptly as it began. She had her period, and when it was over, so was our wonderful new sex life.

One thing did come out of it, though: we no longer have our rigid every-third-day sex schedule. Now, we have sex every third or fourth day. Like clockwork. Never on day one or two. Always at least two days in between. And always after 11:00 at night, in the dark, in our bed.

As I approach my 40th birthday, I can't help but wonder if our sex life will ever improve, or if we are doomed to repeat this dull pattern until one (or both) of us completely loses our libido. I figure we only have about 15-20 more years until the day comes when sex becomes a thing of the past, and I hate the idea of wasting what's left of our youth and our time together as a loving, affectionate couple. I suppose you could call this my "mid-sex-life crisis."

So I guess my questions to the group are:

-- Is there sex life after 40?
-- What do you suppose caused that one-week surge in libido in my wife? Was it really just acting?
-- If a woman has had a low libido her whole life, is it even possible to increase it?
-- Is there something I should be doing to make that happen?
-- Is there some wonder drug on the market that I don't know about?
-- How can I tell her I need more spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life without offending her?

Before you answer those questions, here are a few answers to the inevitable questions I'm sure you will have for me:

-- When we are having sex, my wife seems to enjoy it VERY much. She has multiple orgasms, and screams so loud I fear waking the children and/or the neighbors. (Which begs another question: if you love something SO much, why on earth wouldn't you want to do it more often??)
-- As far as we know, there are no medical issues causing my wife's low libido (or my out-of-control libido.)
-- She is a stay-at-home mom, and yes, I help out around the house quite a bit, doing the dishes every night, vaccuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, putting the kids to bed, helping with the groceries, doing the laundry -- you name it. Motherhood is a VERY difficult job, but I do help out as much as humanly possible, and stress should not be a factor -- for her.
-- During the week in which she was horny, nothing had changed in terms of stress or workload around the house. It was just an average week. We had a ton of conversations about sex leading up to that week, but it was a very difficult and painful process. And nothing I could say to her today would be anything she hasn't heard already.

So what's the consensus? Should I just keep my mouth shut and be content with what I have? Is boring and monotonous sex better than no sex at all? Or should I take some sort of action to change our sex life? (And if so, what action?)

Again, I greatly appreciate your feedback, and look forward to reading your responses.

 

[Taterpatch]

Oh buddy, I feel ya! I am 27 and my wife is 25 and I envey you on the couple days! I get it every two weeks like clockwork, and its always in the bed. I am in my sexual prime and hers is off like a light switch. I get so tired of asking for sex and even when our kids are at the grandparents, I still don get any sexual play! I am about to go CRAZY! I dont know what to do either! I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Eilan]

I'd like to hear your wife's POV, since we're only getting your side of the story. During my first marriage, I spent quite a bit of time as the person in your wife's shoes, and all I can say is that when I was dissatisfied with certain issues in our marriage, I wasn't interested in having sex with my then-husband. Unfair? Perhaps. I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here, but rest assured my ex wasn't exactly the innocent victim of a frigid bitch.

You say you've talked to her, but how is she responding? And are you listening to what she's saying? You also say you don't argue, but this thread is evidence that there's obviously some resentment going on on your part. Is it possible that she feels similarly for some reason? Perhaps counseling might help the two of you communicate more effectively. If your marriage is strong, then some insights from a therapist couldn't hurt, right?

I'd suggest she checks in with her OB/GYN to make sure everything's fine, get her hormone levels checked, etc. However, if the two of you have nonsexual relationship issues that are manifesting themselves in the bedroom, then it may not matter if you deal with the medical issues. I don't see that a "wonder drug" will magically fix a problem that has been allowed to continue for years.

Also, if the two of you aren't getting out by yourselves sans kids, make sure you do that, even if it's only every couple of weeks or so. Since she's a SAHM, make sure she gets to go out for lunch/dinner/shopping with her friends. That goes for you, too--with your friends, I mean. The parenting years are tough on a marriage, and it's important for both of you to get a break from that, both individually and as a couple.

Good luck.

 

[PertPerth]

Firstly, I sympathise with your situation. With your youngest only 4 years old, I'm guessing that "kids in the house" is still playing a hige role in your sex life. Fortunately, a few more years and you should be over the "worst". Statistically your sex life/relationship is the worst when you have young kids in the house. Does your wife know how strongly you feel about wanting/needing more sex?

Are you sure your wife is happy with everything happening in her life? Stress is a major cause of low libido. Always after 11pm at night...? Perhaps she's tired. Have you tried to initiate sex in the morning?

Is she taking the Pill? If so, has she changed it at all? Perhaps there is one which will suit her (and your) libido better. I use Nuva ring and recommend it for any woman with low libido. I have noticed a HUGE difference....for the better.
A trip to the gyno will let her know if it's a physical issue (hormones or other). I also recommend a cream called Ovestin (I'm in Australia, so might come under a different brand name else where. It contains the active ingredient estriol, which is a naturally occuring form of the main female sex hormone, oestrogen.) LOVE the stuff.

If there is nothing physically interfering with her sex drive, then I suggest talking as a couple - and also individually - to a therapist.

I hope this helps.

 

[wicked woman]

So I guess my questions to the group are:

-- Is there sex life after 40?

Absolutely! For some of us it gets better and better.

-- What do you suppose caused that one-week surge in libido in my wife? Was it really just acting?

No idea, I can't read her mind.


-- If a woman has had a low libido her whole life, is it even possible to increase it?

Anything is possible. I'd think it depends on why she's got a low libido.


-- Is there something I should be doing to make that happen?

Yes, buy and read Passionate Marriage - Keeping love and intimacy alive in commited relationships by David Schnarchhttp://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0805058265/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1218457901&sr=1-1 Then work on implementing what he's talking about.

-- Is there some wonder drug on the market that I don't know about?

No, otherwise there wouldn't be all sorts of people in the same situation as you are.

-- How can I tell her I need more spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life without offending her?

Seems to me you've already done that. It's not that she doesn't get it...she probably does, just for her own personal reasons she isn't buying into it.

Good luck...that book I recommended is excellent. Try it.

 

[DullAndRoutine]

Change Birth Control & Try MJ

Two suggestions:

1. Get off all Hormonal birth control (the pill, depo-provera, norplant, Progestogen IUD, etc), instead get yourself a Vasectomy or ask her to consider a Tubal Ligation, or a copper IUD. Wait a couple of months. Sex life should pick up.

2. Try Marijuana. Either you or Her smoke it before sex, but not both at the same time (unless the kids are gone). 1/4 to 1/2 joint is all you'll need for a fantastic time.

HTH,

HAND.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Has she been to the GP and had a check up? Some women take the same birth control for years and as hormonal patterns change inside them, the pill becomes less suitable. It's very possible that a hormone imbalance is at the root of her total loss of libido. I say this because you state that you have an otherwise happy marriage and she has made an attempt to please you that changed after her period. It may be embarrassing for her to discuss her libido with her GP but it is totally confidential and nothing they haven't heard before by a very long way. An gynae check up would be no bad thing and you should ask if her cervical smear tests are up to date for good measure.

It seems at first glance that she tried to spice things up, went too far by having sex every day and then failed to keep it up. I think it's important to move this issue beyond a simple request for more sex. Does she still feel sexy and desirable? Many women hate their bodies after childbirth has taken its toll and that could also explain her desire for sex at night, in the dark.

A first step would be to woo her again. Get a babysitter, get her dolled up in a dress, heels and makeup etc and take her out for a romantic meal. Drink a few glasses of wine together and once you're home, keep the 'date' vibe going by being extra attentive, as though sex with her isn't a sure thing. Don't rush for the bedroom, engage in some kissing and cuddling on the sofa with the lights low (more flattering) and tell your wife just how fucking sexy she still is and how much you still love and desire her. Remind her that sex is a natural expression of love that stretch marks and love handles have no bearing on. Take her upstairs, because she's comfortable there, but leave the light on and undress her slowly, as though you've never seen her naked before. Make her believe she's still sexy - more than a wife, a mother, a maid or whatever. Make her feel like a woman again and spend lots of time giving her pleasure so that she feels motivated to reciprocate.

Afterwards, tell her how wonderful tonight was, how lucky you are to be sharing your life with such a wonderful woman, tell her everything you haven't said for too long as you hold her in your arms. Express a desire to make love like that again but leave the initiation to her. Make no sexual moves on her for a week if you have to but I bet by the time she initiates, she will genuinely want to make love.

In the meantime, start being a little tactile. Touch her when appropriate, in conversation etc. Initiate hugs but let her move away if she's still uncomfortable at first. Steal kisses from her when the kids aren't looking and let her see you checking out her ass or breasts appreciatively. It might take awhile for her to feel comfortable with all this but if you're gentle and subtle, you should start to see changes in her. They'll come from being reminded that she's loved and desirable, even when she's sorting through the laundry.

Just an idea.

 

[lopsidedlibidos]

A lot of great advice/feedback. I thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Eilan, not that I'm able to speak 100% for my wife, but as we've had so many conversations about this issue in the past, I feel I have a pretty good understanding of where she's coming from. She has told me in the past that whenever I tell her I would like more variety/spontaneity/passion in our sex life, she feels like a "bad wife." She just isn't as sexual as I am, and she feels like it would be impossible to keep up with me. In her mind, we have plenty of sex -- more than most married couples -- and I should be happy with that.

But, of course, it's not the quantity that bothers me. It's not even necessarily the quality, as the sex is very good. The issue is that I feel like there is no passion on her end. I'm just another chore on her list -- and this is something I have said to her in the past, and something she didn't deny. I work extremely hard to stay in shape and stay attractive, and to excite her in bed, and it just seems like a one-way street. I'm extremely attracted to my wife, and I constantly think about her in a sexual way. But I would be very surprised if she EVER thinks of me in this way. To her, I'm the father of her children, and a good provider for our family, and she appreciates me greatly in those roles. But as a lover, I feel she really has no use for me.

I've danced around the topic of seeing a therapist in the past, but this suggestion hasn't been met well at all. In her mind, we don't have a problem. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and the sex is good. In her view, the only problem is that I'm just too horny. And there are many times where I think that maybe she's right!

Your suggestion about spending time alone or together without kids is a good one. We do this sort of thing occassionally, but probably not often enough.

PertPerth, our youngest will be heading off to full-time school in a couple of years, and I share your hope that things will change once she has less responsibility for keeping him entertained all day. However, the plan is that once he goes off to school, she will get a full-time job -- which means she may be even more stressed than she is today.

She should be very aware of my needs, sexually, as we've discussed it many times. And I really thought we had a major breakthrough last year, right before her mysterious "horny week." During one of our talks, she thought that by "spicing things up" or "adding a little variety," I meant that I wanted to have sex in weird positions or with different people or something. But I explained to her exactly what I meant, and she finally seemed to get it. But although she seems to "get it" now, she just doesn't seem to care anymore.

Regarding birth control, she has been off the pill for many, many years now. I had a vasectomy shortly after our youngest child was born. (And she thoroughly enjoyed the two weeks or so afterward that we were unable to have sex!)

Wicked Woman, thanks very much for the book recommendation. I'll take a look at it.

VelvetDarkness, VERY well said, and excellent advice. In retrospect, I did many of the things you suggested just prior to that mysterious "horny week." And I probably haven't maintained that level of affection and attention since then. I like to think that I am constantly in "wooing mode," and that I am always affectionate and complimentary, but maybe I'm not working hard enough. I appreciate the insight from an objective point of view.

 

[DrHappy]

A good resource for this topic is the "Mismatched Libidos" forum "Mismatched Libidos" forum at iVillage.

 

[SweetErika]

What happens when you are still affectionate, spontaneous and playful between the sex nights? Have you told her what you love about her, and that YOU need to express that by being affectionate, whether you're having sex or not?

Do you know why she's partial to scheduling sex? Have you asked in a very nonconfrontational way?

Have you tried being really passionate, almost animalistic, when you do have sex, or would your wife likely be scared by that? I'm thinking that an awful lot of women like to be "taken" and perhaps your wife just hasn't found a style of having sex that ignites her passion yet.

Do you focus on what you have, instead of what you don't have? I think it's easy to focus on things that could change/be better, instead of counting our blessings and trying to make small improvements over time.

Have you considered therapy yourself, even if she won't go? A good therapist could get a better idea of what's going on and give you feedback and suggestions on what you might try.

 

[Bokimbol]

Good luck my man, sounds to me like you are going through something most married couples go through including myself. And it very rarley changes for the better. Get ready for once a month or longer waits between because that is right around the corner.

Everything you described fits my wife to a tee. Won't talk about it. Won't let me near her. Only on her terms. But if she does do it she seems to love it. She even tried for a week or two like your wife, to change but when the 2 weeks were up, she was worse than ever.

Saw a show on TV (I believe it was Oprah)that said by 50 over 75% of all women lose intrest in sex. Maybe even higher. Some as early as 25.I suspect it's just a self preservation type of thing built into them. You know before modern medicine it wasn't such a good idea for women to get pregnant the older they got so the lack of libido is sort of a self preservation thing built into them so they won't get pregnant as they age.

You can try the suggestions that the women r giving you but most of their suggestions r going to question your attentivness to your wife. Are you making her feel sexy sort of thing. My argument is that maybe she isn't making you feel sexy by turning you down all the time. Kind of hard for the male to dote on her only to get constantly rejected. Sort of makes you feel like a sucker. You ladies may not like that but it is most males point of view. Bring her flowers, rub her feet, help out around the house, tell her how pretty she is,tell her what she means to you, be attentive. Ask her for sex, sorry I'm tired. She has gotten everything she wants and you don't get what you want. Then your told by other women your not making her feel loved enough and it's some how your fault. Sometimes its just the women's fault and there is nothing you as a male can do about it. So you eaither put up with it or make other plans.

I mean it is a two way street and women tend to try to put the blame on the male for his wife not wanting him. Bit of a cop out to me as that was never a problem until the ring went on.
I will agree that some men are the cause of the problem. But the women had no problem earlier until something changed for the woman. Then the man has to adjust and fight the losing battle of getting his sex life back. Which rarley happens. Then the woman can't understand why the man went looking for sex outside the marriage.

 

[bailadora]

Welcome to Lit, LSL.

From reading through your posts, I'm wondering with if the problem between you is more a lack of intimacy (both emotional and physical) than it is a problem of mismatched libidos. You see, I first came to Lit because my husband and I were experiencing problems similar to the ones you describe. I too, thought it was an issue of uneven libidos and I couldn't figure out how to resolve the problem. It has taken a lot of open and honest communication on both our parts, but the true problem was that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life - we'd let the intimacy between us slide. Once we realized this, we made a commitment to each other to focus on restoring the intimacy between us and things have greatly changed for the better.

Quite often - it's the little things we let slip: the hugs and kisses "just because", holding hands while walking together or driving, snuggling together on the couch while watching a movie. Also, spontaneity doesn't always have to be about sex. When is the last time you guys had a pillow/tickle fight, or wrestling match or some other activity that you both find fun? These sound like such simple things that have little value when you look at them individually, but as whole help to keep a couple connected.

I'm wondering if your wife would be more receptive and less defensive if you approached a conversation from the standpoint that you are concerned about the emotional connection between you and what can each of you do to keep that connection alive and well. Just another avenue of thought.

 

[Mr.G]

Wow

ONCE every third night huh? Bummer.

-- Is there sex life after 40?
* I was with my woman for 21 years. For the life of me I can't remember a night it didn't happen. If I forgot, she reminded me and vice versa. And yes, it was just getting better and better!

-- What do you suppose caused that one-week surge in libido in my wife? Was it really just acting?

* My guess is some kind hormonal spike caused by ... ???

-- If a woman has had a low libido her whole life, is it even possible to increase it?

* Either by supplemental testosterone OR stimulate her to produce more OXYTOCIN naturally. Lots of nipple and GSpot stimulation are the two best ways to do that naturally.

-- Is there something I should be doing to make that happen?

* Have you tried the TRY THIS Technique for G-Gasms? I've got lotsa feedback that suggests an hohum sex life can be turbo-charged by getting that puppy barking.

-- Is there some wonder drug on the market that I don't know about?

* OXYTOCIN. Careful with the testosterone sups though.

-- How can I tell her I need more spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life without offending her?

* " I don't want to offend you, hon but I NEEED spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life."

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

 

[Mansa Musa]

I don't remember the name of the poster, but he has one of the most appropriate sig lines for your situation: "If you want your woman to act like a pagan,, you must treat her like a goddess."

And, for explanation's sake: Gods are worshipped, goddesses are adored.
Keeping up with the chores and taking the children out for "Daddy/son/daughter time" is great, but there isn't any mention of how much attention is going her way. Are you doing all of the little things? The sly pinches or slaps on the buttocks, the forehead kiss in the morning, the impromptu trips to Grandma's house, for example? Do you actually listen to her? When she's cold, do you grab a blanket, or do you snuggle up close and pull her into your arms? Are your daily attentions towards her focused on getting her warm, or on showing that she's still "the one"?
Because, IMHO, she probably sees your efforts as so much sucking up, and she's meeting you on your terms (Dishes washed, a game of catch with Junior, tutoring Big Sis with quadratic equations and keeping the gas tank full=2 hours of "Let's see who's able to cum harder on Mondays, Thursdays and Saturday afternoon while the kids are at the mall), a good old fashioned quid pro quo.

Bottom line, you have to step your game up. She's doing her part to keep your balls empty, but you're looking for morning head and a quick handjob when you come home. Considering the status quo, you aren't really doing enough to warrant the pagan, and the underfoot children will definitely cramp your style for the next decade.
So, here's my advice. You, the sated/frustrated husband, will give your wife a "no strings attached" orgasm every day. This board is full of masage, fingering, oral and anal tips. Use it to your advantage. If you want her to let go and forget about the kids and neighbors, invest in some soundproofing and decent bedroom door locks, then let 'er rip. Tease her until she's gushing, then finish it with a hug and a (discreet) rub against your groin. If/When she decides to touch it, turn away and let her chase you. Show some more "dominant" behaviour in public (Yes, holding hands is an example of dominant behaviour, because you're demonstrating that she taken), then back off a little bit in private and measure her response. When her behaviour changes from the hesitant (AKA "good girl/wife") response to the measured (AKA, "If we do this right, we'll get enough rest for tomorrow.") response, then the battle is almost over. After that, it's just a matter of waiting for the children to move out, then we'll see this post on Lit:

"She's insatiable! Why didn't you guys warn me about this?"

Good luck, and happy eating!

 

[witch_baby]

I agree with a lot of what's being said here, but I just want to add a couple of suggestions.

Firstly, it sounds like she feels pressured, even though you clearly don't mean to presure her. It is incredibly frustrating to think back to early days pre 'I do' or moving in together when you'd tear each others clothes off and explore each other like it was the last chance you'd ever get to have sex in your life.

The thing is, that's exactly what needs to be done. You need to think back and try and recreate/replay those things you used to do way back when. The difference is it's going to take some imagination. It doesn't mater how hokey it is. Replay a first date, the first time you guys went to bed together, or just make something up. It's fun. It's low pressure. If you don't just wanna be another item on her 'to do' list (something she most likely feels guilty about and frustrated by) then take the pressure off.

I'd also like to reccommend 'Mating in Captivity' be Ester Perel. It about couples whos' sex lives have lagged, even though their relationships work fine on all other levels. It might help give you some more ideas/approaches.

 

[anna_tv]

Talk to her. It's the only way to work things out. Clearly there was a point about a year ago when things were great. Why not ask her why things can't be like that again? And all the time. Why did that have to stop?

Tell her this -

And our relationship was never better. We showed each other affection throughout the day, we were more relaxed and happy, and it felt as though we were dating again.

Maybe there's some hidden resentment - she resents the pressure to have sex, you resent her not seeming to want to. You both actually want exactly the same thing - a loving, affectionate, caring relationship - the sex will follow naturally.

But what do I know? Absolutely nothing - there's only one person to talk to - HER!

.

 

[impressive]

So I guess my questions to the group are:

-- Is there sex life after 40?
-- What do you suppose caused that one-week surge in libido in my wife? Was it really just acting?
-- If a woman has had a low libido her whole life, is it even possible to increase it?
-- Is there something I should be doing to make that happen?
-- Is there some wonder drug on the market that I don't know about?

-- How can I tell her I need more spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life without offending her?

Is there sex life after 40?

Oh, most definitely.

If a woman has had a low libido her whole life, is it even possible to increase it?

I believe so, yes.

Is there something I should be doing to make that happen?

Seems to me as if you're already doing it -- seeking information, communicating, etc.

Is there some wonder drug on the market that I don't know about?

I am a strong believer in Omega-3 supplements -- for many health reasons. Enhanced libido is one of them.

How can I tell her I need more spontaneity, variety and excitement in our sex life without offending her?

Don't tell her. Show her.