Incorporating Bisexuality into a relationship?

[SweetErika]

The background: I recently moved from bi-curious to bi. My very straight husband is wonderfully supportive and wants me to do whatever makes me happy (within reason). I feel some guilt over not finding this out before we were married, but I was still curious then. It feels like a whole new ballgame now that I'm sure I'm bi. Obviously I can't supress these feelings and never be with a woman again. I know some of you feel that since I'm allowed to be with women, I should allow him to be with women too, but that's a recipe for sheer disaster in our case.

The problems and questions: Even though I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm with such a supportive partner, I don't know how we can incorporate my bisexuality into our relationship. Do I just go out on my own with his blessing? I would like him to share in this with me, but is that a good idea? He would also like to see me with another woman, so I was thinking a couples thing, but he's a little squeamish about being in a sexual situation with another man. Does anyone have experience with a foursome in which the women are together and with their respective partners or the men are watching? What's the best way to go about this? Does anyone have experience with a successful or unsuccessful incorporation of bisexuality into their commited relationship?

I would greatly appreciate any advice and insights. Thank you in advance for your time and support!

 

[SweetErika]

I understand if some of you don't want to share publicly. If that's you, please PM me. For those of you who have had the courage to share via PM, thank you very much!

 

[Carissa]

You and I are very much alike. I too am "bi-curious" and have a very supportive husband. Our agreement is when I find the right person, it will stay just her and I. No threesome, no pics, nothing! He does not want to get involved at all. This would only seem to complicate matters between us. I do not want that. A close friend was in a 3-way relationship for 5 months and it ended up in a divorce. My advise would be if the opportunity happens to come around, take it slow and make sure all parties know what they are getting into.

Good luck!



C.

 

[Pookie]

The background: I recently moved from bi-curious to bi. My very straight husband is wonderfully supportive and wants me to do whatever makes me happy (within reason). I feel some guilt over not finding this out before we were married, but I was still curious then. It feels like a whole new ballgame now that I'm sure I'm bi. Obviously I can't supress these feelings and never be with a woman again. I know some of you feel that since I'm allowed to be with women, I should allow him to be with women too, but that's a recipe for sheer disaster in our case.

The problems and questions: Even though I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm with such a supportive partner, I don't know how we can incorporate my bisexuality into our relationship. Do I just go out on my own with his blessing? I would like him to share in this with me, but is that a good idea? He would also like to see me with another woman, so I was thinking a couples thing, but he's a little squeamish about being in a sexual situation with another man. Does anyone have experience with a foursome in which the women are together and with their respective partners or the men are watching? What's the best way to go about this? Does anyone have experience with a successful or unsuccessful incorporation of bisexuality into their commited relationship?

I would greatly appreciate any advice and insights. Thank you in advance for your time and support!

My advice is to talk as openly about it with each other as you possibly can. Find out each other's concerns and reservations. Set and agree to your parameters together.

What's right for one couple may be totally wrong for another. Some of it you may have to agree to experiment with to find out if you both can live with it. The key to it working though is open communication between the BOTH of you, just as any marriage/relationship should be.

 

[SweetErika]

You and I are very much alike. I too am "bi-curious" and have a very supportive husband. Our agreement is when I find the right person, it will stay just her and I. No threesome, no pics, nothing! He does not want to get involved at all. This would only seem to complicate matters between us. I do not want that. A close friend was in a 3-way relationship for 5 months and it ended up in a divorce. My advise would be if the opportunity happens to come around, take it slow and make sure all parties know what they are getting into.

Good luck!



C.

Thanks, Carissa! I would love to have a close friend with benefits, but I'm open to men watching as well after the woman and I experience eachother alone and if it feels right. I'm very thankful for the one experience I have had, because it's clarified my boundaries and what I'm looking for. If you ever want to talk, PM me...I'm sure we do have a lot in common, and it's always nice to have another friend and support network.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Re: Incorporating Bisexuality into a relationship?

My advice is to talk as openly about it with each other as you possibly can. Find out each other's concerns and reservations. Set and agree to your parameters together.

What's right for one couple may be totally wrong for another. Some of it you may have to agree to experiment with to find out if you both can live with it. The key to it working though is open communication between the BOTH of you, just as any marriage/relationship should be.

Very sound advice, indeed, Pookie. We have done a lot of talking and setting boundaries together, and we both know this will be disasterous if we don't continue to communicate. And while I don't want to supress my sexuality, this is the man I married and love more than anything...he knows all he has to do is say the word, it will stop, and I will be happy with what I have had so far.

 

[overthebow]

I have a new FWB and now that I am divorced, I want to try some things and explore the bicuriousity that I have harbored for so long. I told her that I like anal stimulation and she said that she had a previous lover who wanted to try it. She says she wants to try it and is attracted to the power shift in it. She suggested that I may be bisexual and it is an open issue with us. I don't know where it is going to go.

 

[SweetErika]

I have a new FWB and now that I am divorced, I want to try some things and explore the bicuriousity that I have harbored for so long. I told her that I like anal stimulation and she said that she had a previous lover who wanted to try it. She says she wants to try it and is attracted to the power shift in it. She suggested that I may be bisexual and it is an open issue with us. I don't know where it is going to go.

That's great you have such a supportive partner! Can I ask what's probably a really dumb question? What's a FWB? Maybe it's because I'm tired, but that acronym doesn't ring a bell at all.

 

[overthebow]

That's great you have such a supportive partner! Can I ask what's probably a really dumb question? What's a FWB? Maybe it's because I'm tired, but that acronym doesn't ring a bell at all.

It is new to me also. I hope that I am using it correctly. "Friend with benefits". Someone you care about with whom you get your groove on, but not committed to. I suspect that one of the parties is more interested in commitment than the other, but this is new to me. I think it is a more agreeable term than "fuck buddy".

 

[Bandit58]

I am bi and in a very supportive relationship with a man I love very much, who wants me to experience being with a woman. As he says, it is a part of me that he can't satisfy, and he wants me to be happy. He has no desire to be present but wouldn't say no if the lady is agreeable, but would only watch not participate. If he isn't present, he would want to hear all the details

I've had one experience as part of a 3some with a man and another woman, but this was more than a year ago before we got together. I am so lucky to have someone who wants me to be happy and fulfilled. Now all we have to do is find the lady in question......

 

[SweetErika]

It is new to me also. I hope that I am using it correctly. "Friend with benefits". Someone you care about with whom you get your groove on, but not committed to. I suspect that one of the parties is more interested in commitment than the other, but this is new to me. I think it is a more agreeable term than "fuck buddy".

*smacks herself on the forehead* Friends With Benefits...that makes sense! Tread lightly...that can get complicated quickly when one of the parties wants a commitment or has romantic feelings, overthebow.

 

[SweetErika]

I am bi and in a very supportive relationship with a man I love very much, who wants me to experience being with a woman. As he says, it is a part of me that he can't satisfy, and he wants me to be happy. He has no desire to be present but wouldn't say no if the lady is agreeable, but would only watch not participate. If he isn't present, he would want to hear all the details

I've had one experience as part of a 3some with a man and another woman, but this was more than a year ago before we got together. I am so lucky to have someone who wants me to be happy and fulfilled. Now all we have to do is find the lady in question......

That's exactly what my husband has told me. We are both very lucky ladies, Bandit!

 

[overthebow]

Tread lightly...that can get complicated quickly when one of the parties wants a commitment or has romantic feelings, overthebow.

I know. I am evaluating this as I go. Promises, both explicit and implicit, are made as we go. The point is not to promise more than one intends.

 

[mystic_maiden32]

well my hubby and I talked about it-he was all for me having a relationship with another woman. Sometimes he was there sometimes he wasn't. It really helped when he was deployed. But now we live in such a small community I can't have a relationship-but have started an online relationship. There are boundaries, make sure all parties involved know them-whatever boundaries you may have. Take it slow, treat it almost like a marriage, and respect the feelings of all parties involved.

Good Luck!

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks, mystic, you're absolutely right as well. Just hearing everyone share and repeat the "communication" message is really helping me sort everything out.

 

[OzDvl]

I am basically at the point that i am suppressing my bisexual side, and it is driving me crazy, i just can't bring myself to broach the subject with my husband, and am not entirely sure it would be a good thing to even bring up to him. We are brought up with the whole tradition on marriage, one partner for life thing, and i am worried that even if he agreed to let me find a woman to be with, he would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and in the end our marriage may break down..thats something i am not willing to risk, i would rather suppress the urges and my needs than risk him leaving me..

So the point of my post..if you have a totally understanding hubby/boyfriend/partner, GO FOR IT! enjoy, have fun and keep us posted on how things go

 

[SweetErika]

I am basically at the point that i am suppressing my bisexual side, and it is driving me crazy, i just can't bring myself to broach the subject with my husband, and am not entirely sure it would be a good thing to even bring up to him. We are brought up with the whole tradition on marriage, one partner for life thing, and i am worried that even if he agreed to let me find a woman to be with, he would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and in the end our marriage may break down..thats something i am not willing to risk, i would rather suppress the urges and my needs than risk him leaving me..

So the point of my post..if you have a totally understanding hubby/boyfriend/partner, GO FOR IT! enjoy, have fun and keep us posted on how things go

Thank you for your story, OzDvl. I took teeny, tiny baby steps in telling my (then) fiance I was bi/curious. I started by saying, "I heard that a lot of men fantasize about seeing two women together. Do you ever think about that?" He said yes, so over the next weeks and months I asked more non-commital questions. Finally, I took the plunge and told him I was curious about experimenting with women. He said, "great", but wanted a threesome. We talked about it, and agreed I could try it on my own ONCE. That was years ago, and when the time finally came for me actually to do it, he happily sent me off on my own. That's how we got to where we are today. I wouldn't have done anything if he had disapproved, but I'm SO glad I took those first scary steps and at least asked.
One of my wise friends told me, "Love is defined by how much each person wants the other to be happy. If you're unhappy, you're not giving your best in the relationship, and your marriage won't work out if you're not putting in all of your effort." I hope that gives you the same strength it did me.

 

[Bandit58]

I am basically at the point that i am suppressing my bisexual side, and it is driving me crazy, i just can't bring myself to broach the subject with my husband, and am not entirely sure it would be a good thing to even bring up to him. We are brought up with the whole tradition on marriage, one partner for life thing, and i am worried that even if he agreed to let me find a woman to be with, he would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and in the end our marriage may break down..thats something i am not willing to risk, i would rather suppress the urges and my needs than risk him leaving me..

So the point of my post..if you have a totally understanding hubby/boyfriend/partner, GO FOR IT! enjoy, have fun and keep us posted on how things go

I suppressed my needs for too long in an attempt to fit in and be "normal".....I ended up unhappy and frustrated. Even my hetero needs weren't being met, what chance did I have to explore my "other" side??

It took ending my marriage to give me the chance to try it. I now know that it wasn't just curiosity, it's a part of me, and it has to be experienced again at some stage.

OzDvl I hope that one day you can be YOU, without fear

 

[bi_m_4_cpls_630]

The background: I recently moved from bi-curious to bi. My very straight husband is wonderfully supportive and wants me to do whatever makes me happy (within reason). I feel some guilt over not finding this out before we were married, but I was still curious then. It feels like a whole new ballgame now that I'm sure I'm bi. Obviously I can't supress these feelings and never be with a woman again. I know some of you feel that since I'm allowed to be with women, I should allow him to be with women too, but that's a recipe for sheer disaster in our case.

The problems and questions: Even though I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm with such a supportive partner, I don't know how we can incorporate my bisexuality into our relationship. Do I just go out on my own with his blessing? I would like him to share in this with me, but is that a good idea? He would also like to see me with another woman, so I was thinking a couples thing, but he's a little squeamish about being in a sexual situation with another man. Does anyone have experience with a foursome in which the women are together and with their respective partners or the men are watching? What's the best way to go about this? Does anyone have experience with a successful or unsuccessful incorporation of bisexuality into their commited relationship?

I would greatly appreciate any advice and insights. Thank you in advance for your time and support!

I think your husband is giving you the space that you need to find another women, at some point in time I am sure that he will want to share that...either watching or making it a threesome. I am sure you will enjoy showing him........I always enjoy it when a women watches her man and I have fun.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Re: Incorporating Bisexuality into a relationship?

I think your husband is giving you the space that you need to find another women, at some point in time I am sure that he will want to share that...either watching or making it a threesome. I am sure you will enjoy showing him........I always enjoy it when a women watches her man and I have fun.

You're right, and he has always wanted to watch (I would love that too because I want to share the experience with the man I love and fulfill HIS fantasies). It's difficult to find a woman who doesn't mind him watching, so a foursome would be easier logistically. Until we find another woman or he acclimates to the couples idea, I'm going to take him up on his offer to make some friends with bennies and share all of the details with him.

 

[ohiobiguy]

My wife and I have both recently come to terms with our bi-sexuality and are planning to take those next steps. We've decided I will be there when she has her first experience (major turn on for me) and she won't be when I have mine (she doesn't want to be). We've decided that for us, honesty is the key. We will only undertake activities when the other has approved and is o.k. with it. It also can't take the place of our own sex life - which has only gotten hotter as we have begun exploring this side of us.

 

[ohiobiguy]

Also, forgot to add that we are looking into a foursome where the other couple is also bi and we can all take turns with each other both hetero and gay pairings.

 

[John Doe]

Thank you for your story, OzDvl. I took teeny, tiny baby steps in telling my (then) fiance I was bi/curious. I started by saying, "I heard that a lot of men fantasize about seeing two women together. Do you ever think about that?" He said yes, so over the next weeks and months I asked more non-commital questions. Finally, I took the plunge and told him I was curious about experimenting with women. He said, "great", but wanted a threesome. We talked about it, and agreed I could try it on my own ONCE. That was years ago, and when the time finally came for me actually to do it, he happily sent me off on my own. That's how we got to where we are today. I wouldn't have done anything if he had disapproved, but I'm SO glad I took those first scary steps and at least asked.
One of my wise friends told me, "Love is defined by how much each person wants the other to be happy. If you're unhappy, you're not giving your best in the relationship, and your marriage won't work out if you're not putting in all of your effort." I hope that gives you the same strength it did me.

I'm concerned about the possibility that your husband is being accepting and supportive because the idea of chicks doing it turns him on.

 

[EndResult]

Okay, well I didn't take the time to read all of the replies you got to your message, but I understand what kind of situation you are in. My fiancee (we've been together for 4 years) and I recently starting engaging in 3-4somes. I had always wanted to be with another woman sexually, but was always too shy to try it out on my own. He helped me overcome my shyness and I fooled around with another girl while he watched. At first, he didn't participate, but as time went on I became more comfertable and he ended up joining in. My fiancee is very heterosexual and would never consider doing anything with another guy, but I don't really think I would enjoy that anyhow. For me, being with another girl is more rewarding. I already have a guy to satisfy my needs and I wouldn't want to put him into an uncomfertable situation.

I think it's awesome that your husband is so supportive of your curiousity. You both should just 'go with the flow' and do whatever is comfy for both of you. If he (or you) is only comfertable with him watching while you enjoy the company of another woman, then you should stick to that until you both feel ready for more.

Well, I hope that helped you at least a little bit. Good luck with everything!

-Erin

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks, Erin! Right now, we're both comfortable with me having friends with benefits. Should the opportunity arise where my friend invites him to watch or play with me, I'd be thrilled and all for it, but I'm not going to request that of a friend.

Everyone's experiences and advice has helped me wrap my head around this and communicate with my husband. I really appreciate your help and opinions!

Erika