Inability to get off for Top

[ammre]

So there i was, tied to a chair and having the time of my like being tortured in various happily painful ways until i feel my hands being untied and i hear the words "Ok i want you to get yourself off for me."

So backstory: I'm not good at the getting off thing. I can do it alone under very certian conditions with the proper mindset. I perosnally think it's my mind regressing to when i was a youngin' (i learned at an early age what felt good) and i would do it in the living room and my mom would yell at me and tell me to "Never do that inftont of anyone". At least she didn't tell me it was bad and i shouldn't do it at all but still!

So back to the action: I'm having fun yadda yadda "get off"
"WHAT? but, i... but, no... i really, i can't..."
He secures an end of the rope since my legs are still tied open to the chair and he sits infront of me.
"You're going to try I have hours, I can wait and you can do it..."
So i try... and i mean give-it-my-all try, to the point where i'm nearly crying in frustration.

Fast foward about 45 min.

Still trying. my kneecaps and back are getting cold as are parts of my labia and my right leg has fallen asleep. He looks bored but vaguely detirmined, i'm getting bored and i've lost any fraction of an inclination a long time ago. I gave myself a time limit at the 15 min mark saying if i couldn't do it by this point i was done. And 30 min later was my mark.
"I can't do it i'm sorry. it's not going to happen and this is a serious-red-can't-do-it."

So he unties me, we chat for a bit, gives me some new whip conditioner (he's the guy who sold and taught me how to use bertha my 8ft bullwhip) then leaves.

Now there's several questions:
anyone else have this issue? How have you dealt with it?
Any other sub feel like a total goober when they can't do what is asked of them?
He hasen't shown intrest in comming over recently, Dom/Dommes/Tops would you be put off by an expierence like that? or a sub who couldn't get off?

(Anyone else notice there is no spell check on the "submit new thread" form? I'm sorry if this is horrible)

 

[MasterPhoenix]

In that circumstances, I would not be put off.

My slave & I always discuss scenes afterwards to see what felt good what didn't and what each of us enjoyed... And its just fun to relive the moment

Oh yeah, and I would work with her to break the boundary so that she will be able to do it in the future.

Of course thats My $0.02 and your mileage may vary.

 

[ammre]

oh and to add, while i trust this person and do have a rapport with them, we are not a thing per say, so while people who are in a full fledged relationship won't be as willing to give up, we're sorta just playing, so it might be easier for him to be put off by it.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

oh and to add, while i trust this person and do have a rapport with them, we are not a thing per say, so while people who are in a full fledged relationship won't be as willing to give up, we're sorta just playing, so it might be easier for him to be put off by it.

that is understandable. If he is someone with whom you wish to continue playing, I would suggest explaining it to an extent.

 

[Netzach]

I have given this kind of scene a lot of thought, and I've found that I really dislike setting myself up for disappointment.

Rule 1: when a woman expresses a belief about her body and its capabilities based on a lifetime of masturbation, I tend to believe what she says, *if* she's the kind of person who does masturbate and seems informed.

I don't tend to think that inside every woman is a multi G spot orgasmic nympho if she only wasn't "holding out on me" or if only I show her the esoteric ways of "better" masturbation.

Believe me, I'm not a prude, but there's one way I get off more or less and it's served me well for 30 years and I've never felt bad about it outside of other people who seemed to think I should do it they way they or their last GF does it. I like masturbation enough to not be into changing how I do it on anyone else's behalf. Anyhoo...take that with a grain of "I'm not much of a bottom" salt...

Putting someone under performance pressure and having a seat is a bad way to get someone to get used to getting off in new ways, IME. Getting them painfully excited, like, to the exploding point and *then* introducing new and old stimulus at once works wonders. The only person I've gotten off with other than clitoral orgasm from direct stimulus wasn't belaboring it at all, just talking in my ear and doing everything just right across the board. If it was on the agenda, I didn't know it.

I'm inclined to "work on it" with someone who would like to be more orgasmic just by...well, making her think about sex on a regular basis/masturbate on a regular basis. I find that it's easy to push sexuality to the backburner in life. More opportunity creates more opportunity for desired outcome. Low low pressure too.

Frustration can be really erotic in the right circumstances. For some people it would be way more fun to be told "time's up, you missed it." and put away wet rather than overdone and raw and bored and upset with oneself.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[_prudence_]

anyone else have this issue? How have you dealt with it?

Yep, I find sensory deprivation helps ie earplugs and a blindfold, blocking out the rest of the world means I can get lost in my own little fantasy.

Sometimes though I have wondered if hes gone off to make a cup of tea

 

[myinnerslut]

ive never had that problem, but i havenoticed that it takes me longer when im being watched then when im by myself.

i'm wondering.. would some people rather fake it then admit they cant make themselves cum to a play partner? not a boyfried/girlfriend/PYL, but someone who you play with and dont have a serious emotional connection to.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hmmmmm...

Would I be "put off" by such a reaction? No, not at all. Disappointed? perhaps a bit. Willing to come back and play some more? Absolutely! *grins*

Heeeeellllllllllllllllllllllloooooooo!!!! If I have a relationship with someone that includes that kind of sexual intimacy, it means I've committed some serious emotional bonding to what's going on. IF my submissive partner desires to address the issue of not being able to cum if someone is watching, I can think of a few strategies to try. But sitting there coldly, just watching, that first time? ? ? ? Hell no!

*grins* As we all SHOULD know, the brain/mind is THE errogenous zone that matters. Get the mind right, the rest will follow... I'd be all up on her, breathing on her, nibbling her neck and ears, hands touching her, perhaps guiding and directing her hands and fingers to touch herself... encouraging her, telling her what a good girl she was, how pleasing she is to me... By taking a more controlling role I would think the submission factor could kick in, allowing the emotional barrier to go down and the physical reactions to take over more completely. Similar to the submissive who can't enjoy sex unless she is bound and helpless and "forced" to have sex...

Your feelings and reaction to this situation are not strange or abnormal at all ammre. If you desire to overcome it, it will take time, patience and effort but it can be done. It's a mental habit you've developed, and like any habit, it can be broken and replaced with a new one. But only if _you_ want to go there.

Thanks for sharing... *weg* I was getting pretty excited thinking of you bound and naked and playing with yourself for my viewing pleasure...

 

[shy slave]

ammre You are not alone.

Lots of things I have never been able to do with a person who was a fuck buddy or similar.

What I don't understand is his stubbornness in trying to make it happen.

Perhaps he is being distant because he realises he was an idiot to be so insistent, beyond fun and enjoyment? Trying to use a control lever 'because he can.'

If it were me I would contact him and play it down if I wanted to keep the relationship, if I thought it had been a step too far I would move on.

 

[Bredon]

I agree with the others that this was more an ego trip on his side than good dom'ing. Reminds me a bit when I taught languages and somehow got in that space where it was all about making the kid (14 yrs, forget it ) obey and be successful. Of course it didn't work-- it's what would be considered struggling against a wall in martial arts, you push and push, and it's just a total waste of time. This is the moment to take a step back and get a new approach instead of -- pushing for another half hour!

Geoff-- I enjoyed learning from your advise, thanks for the free lesson

Can't you just ask him how he feels about this, ammre? A good dom could integrate the event into the next scene-- many possibilities come to my mind...

Good luck!
Bredon

 

[FurryFury]

I have given this kind of scene a lot of thought, and I've found that I really dislike setting myself up for disappointment.

Rule 1: when a woman expresses a belief about her body and its capabilities based on a lifetime of masturbation, I tend to believe what she says, *if* she's the kind of person who does masturbate and seems informed.

I don't tend to think that inside every woman is a multi G spot orgasmic nympho if she only wasn't "holding out on me" or if only I show her the esoteric ways of "better" masturbation.

Believe me, I'm not a prude, but there's one way I get off more or less and it's served me well for 30 years and I've never felt bad about it outside of other people who seemed to think I should do it they way they or their last GF does it. I like masturbation enough to not be into changing how I do it on anyone else's behalf. Anyhoo...take that with a grain of "I'm not much of a bottom" salt...

Putting someone under performance pressure and having a seat is a bad way to get someone to get used to getting off in new ways, IME. Getting them painfully excited, like, to the exploding point and *then* introducing new and old stimulus at once works wonders. The only person I've gotten off with other than clitoral orgasm from direct stimulus wasn't belaboring it at all, just talking in my ear and doing everything just right across the board. If it was on the agenda, I didn't know it.

I'm inclined to "work on it" with someone who would like to be more orgasmic just by...well, making her think about sex on a regular basis/masturbate on a regular basis. I find that it's easy to push sexuality to the backburner in life. More opportunity creates more opportunity for desired outcome. Low low pressure too.

Frustration can be really erotic in the right circumstances. For some people it would be way more fun to be told "time's up, you missed it." and put away wet rather than overdone and raw and bored and upset with oneself.

I've worked on this sort of thing the way the bolded part describes and found it to eventually, work for me, along with a Dom's believe in me and encouragement.

Fury

 

[Netzach]

This is one of those posts where it's tempting to go "ha, you need a chick Dom!" but interestingly the MOST annoying scenes in which I was being urged to get off for the gratification of others and the most annoying sex in which it was assumed I'd get off according to formula was with other women. It seems we're really evangelical about what works for us and it's kind of hard to believe that whatever else works for someone else.

 

[chantilly_lace]

i know when i usually play with friends, i may get aroused, but i can only at this point get 'off' smiles . if and when there is some genital stimulation particularly clitoral for myself.

when yo consider that most women do not experience orgasm during sexual activity on every occasions (some do) i believe it would be difficult to request that from one person if you are simply play partners.

but then again that is jmho .. i do know some who have orgasms during play when allowed and i do think it all depends on how comfortable you are in doing so, who you are with and if you are able to do so without further stimulation .. each person is different from the next.

or am i just not in tune with my body enough?

 

[myinnerslut]

i'm wondering.. would some people rather fake it then admit they cant make themselves cum to a play partner? not a boyfried/girlfriend/PYL, but someone who you play with and dont have a serious emotional connection to.

sorry if this seems a tad bit annoying, and sorry to ammre for this slight hijack. im just restating my question in case it got lost in the shuffle. im really curious to know other peoples reactions and answers.

 

[JMohegan]

He hasen't shown intrest in comming over recently, Dom/Dommes/Tops would you be put off by an expierence like that? or a sub who couldn't get off?

As a general rule, if a partner is trying her level best to follow my instructions and I get safeworded, I view that as my failure, not hers.

The answers to your questions are no and no.

I have successfully helped a partner overcome a similar issue with embarrassment. The technique I used was similar to teaching a kid to ride a bike, i.e., running alongside and holding the seat for multiple episodes until confidence is built to pedal alone.

i'm wondering.. would some people rather fake it then admit they cant make themselves cum to a play partner? not a boyfried/girlfriend/PYL, but someone who you play with and dont have a serious emotional connection to.

I realize that you are not asking for opinions from the Top side, and I'll note that I do not play outside of committed relationships.

However, I'll take this opportunity to say that feigned *anything* - laughter, tears, disappointment, arousal, surprise, happiness, anger, you name it - is a huge turnoff to me. It better be an Academy Award winning performance, because there would be *very* negative consequences for this type of deceit.

 

[Penalt]

I suffer from this on occasion myself. I can get and maintain an erection for a very long time, hour plus sometimes. But sometimes I can't actually ejaculate. For me this is due a case of spinal meningitis having damage the nerves and having been circumcised which further reduced sensation. Happily, my family has a 'backup' pathway built in for this sort of thing. I know this because I have an older brother who is paralyzed from the chest down (crushed t4,5 and 6) and he was still able to naturally father 2 children.

Mamid finds it occasionally frustrating because she will have climaxed and be in the happy downglow and I am still thrusting away attempting to reach my climax. Luckily for her I am smart enough to notice before she gets worn out. If I ran into a someone who had the same problem I would be fine with it. As long as everyone is enjoying themselves climaxing isn't that big of a deal.

 

[insertcutename]

However, I'll take this opportunity to say that feigned *anything* - laughter, tears, disappointment, arousal, surprise, happiness, anger, you name it - is a huge turnoff to me. It better be an Academy Award winning performance, because there would be *very* negative consequences for this type of deceit.

I would never fake anything like that with my Daddy. Not for fear of punishment, but because it would be disrespectful and deceitful.

No matter what the case, I think a partner deserves an honest reaction.

 

[the captians wench]

I sometimes have the opposite problem and I can't o by myself even when I have permission to do so. This is something very new and very unusual for me as I'm a very orgasmic girl, always have been. But ever since I gave my orgasms to the one who owns me I sometimes have trouble cumming if he's not listening or watching. And me reporting it back to him in a very detailed email doesn't seem to help much at times.

i talked about this to a friend of mine who sessions me and together we came to the conclution that I have set a rule in my own mind that I am not allowd to cum with out some one supervizing (I say some one and not just Master because it doesn't have to be him, I just need some one, anyone, to listen or watch or even help and I'm good) even if I have permission. So now I tell Master when I'm going to use a pass that he's given me, which isn't nessisary for his rules but seems to help me as it sort of tricks my mind into some sort of safty (if he isn't watching or listening, if I tell him I'm going to I can beleive with a good level of confidence that he's going to be thinking about me doing it).

My point is, while I don't know the full extent of your body or psycie it sounds as if you may have set yourself up a bit with putting on that limit "if I can't get off in 15 mins it's not going to happen". Add that onto mom's "don't ever do this infront of anyone" and you have a pretty powerful block there. The mind is a very strong thing. My sujestion would be to try not to set a timer. I'd also say rather than masterbating to the goal of getting off, try to relax and enjoy the feelings. But I'm something of an optimist, and like I said very lucky in being very orgasmic so I tend to believe that it's in every one it just needs to be unlocked.

But then again, I didn't start masterbating until I was 16 and my boyfriend at the time wanted to watch me. He instructed me all the way thru as i was totally clueless. And even there after I only masterbated on the phone with him or while he was watching me, and mainly because he enjoyed it so much. I only started for my own pleasure towards the end of our marriage when I wasn't getting any sort of attention from him. So I'm not very knowledgable on the subject even when it comes to my body, let alone some one elses. So take what you will from my input.

As to faking it, I've never had that problem before. I'm so well trained in orgasming that all a guy has to do is whisper in my ear in a stern tone "cum" and I start thobbing. A bite on the neck and a more elaborate "cum for me now!" and I'm hitting 10s. Like I said, I'm a lucky girl that way and count my blessings.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Interesting thread. I've never commanded anyone to get off for me. It wouldn't even occur to do so.

 

[ammre]

see i don't think he was being bad but i think he was trying to make me feel better, more relaxed and resigned to the idea of getting off for him since he wasn't setting some sort of time limit.

and myinnrslut- i'd never fake it. I never have i never will. It's sometimes tough becasue i'll be with a person who's always had success with women and they'll be like DAMNIT when they can't get me off, and i'll be like, whateva, get over it.


roscoe- in my case it seems telling me to do something like that is the worst torture of all.

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

or am i just not in tune with my body enough?

Don't worry about being totally in tune with your body. There are still things I haven't figured out and for the most part I know what I like. Though as I am still young and have a lot of time to figure out what I like, don't like and need I am never really worried about whether or not my body will do things.

There are days I can get off infront of G and there are days where I can bear to show skin so I tend to keep a few pieces of clothing on.

It all comes down to your mindset IMO and how you deal with it differs as well as the personals mental state.

Either way just try to have fun with it and the more easygoing you are about the situation the easier it will... come I guess.

Cherry
My two cents.

 

[Netzach]

Interesting thread. I've never commanded anyone to get off for me. It wouldn't even occur to do so.

You don't find female orgasm at the least an amusing loss of dignity?

 

[rosco rathbone]

You don't find female orgasm at the least an amusing loss of dignity?

Male yes. Female no.

 

[myinnerslut]

i would like to clarify that i myself would never fake it. lying is unforgivable in Sir's book. my question was strictly hypothetical.