In this thread, write something poorly...

[RoryN]

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.''

***

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual."

These passages are both winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, honoring the worst in literature.

The "ode" to a woman is the most common set up people use in order to enter this contest. Give it a shot.

 

[HappyMisha]

Hm... Fun. But I don't have time. Bedtime for me.

However, may I refer you to this "dude?"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=443409

 

[RoryN]

Hm... Fun. But I don't have time. Bedtime for me.

However, may I refer you to this "dude?"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=443409

That's some funny shit!

 

[HappyMisha]

That's some funny shit!

Not really. I need an Advil now. Or a strong drink.

 

[Sean]

It was a dark and stormy night...

 

[RoryN]

It was a dark and stormy night...

Yes, yes; the contest's namesake.

Try harder.

 

[sweetaIabama]

I love would RoryN be to.

 

[Sean]

Yes, yes; the contest's namesake.

Try harder.

And the first thing we did on my vacation was go to the beach.

 

[RoryN]

...

You're giving that plagiarizing idiot more attention than she deserves. Get over her.

 

[kbate]

Two headlights appeared, ultra bright white headlights throwing only a diffused glow through the rain streaked cityscape. The girl dropped her Newport Mentholated cigarette and ground it into the sidewalk with her stilleto heeled shoe. She stepped forward, a long lengthy step designed to highlight the length of her long legs. The car pulled to a stop and an electric window moved downward with that perfect smoothness with which only an electric window can move.

"Hey Baby, want to screw?" The deep masculine voice from behind the leather covered steering wheel of the expensive sedan stated.

The girl grinned and said, "Yes."

 

[RoryN]

Two headlights appeared, ultra bright white headlights throwing only a diffused glow through the rain streaked cityscape. The girl dropped her Newport Mentholated cigarette and ground it into the sidewalk with her stilleto heeled shoe. She stepped forward, a long lengthy step designed to highlight the length of her long legs. The car pulled to a stop and an electric window moved downward with that perfect smoothness with which only an electric window can move.

"Hey Baby, want to screw?" The deep masculine voice from behind the leather covered steering wheel of the expensive sedan stated.

The girl grinned and said, "Yes."

*shakes head* Nah. That's better than a lot of writers can do today. Funny, though!

 

[kbate]

*shakes head* Nah. That's better than a lot of writers can do today. Funny, though!

You're right. I needed more details about the sidewalk and the size of the raindrops.

so close.

 

[sweetaIabama]

You're giving that plagiarizing idiot more attention than she deserves. Get over her.

Is that what it is? Attention?

 

[RoryN]

"Chu chu chu" went the washing machine, as it made love to a sweater. He watched her hanging clothes through the window, wishing the sleeves were his face, and that her hands were fabric softening his soul.

 

[BBWetKitty]

something poorly.

 

[sweetaIabama]

Oooooooh RoryN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sean]

Hmmm.
His eyes viewed the room with his customary icy gaze. His chiselled jaw thrusting forth like the prow of a ship. His brow furrowed , the lines there looking like the strands of a barbed wire fence.
"And would sir like fries with that?", he growled.

 

[RoryN]

Hmmm.
His eyes viewed the room with his customary icy gaze. His chiselled jaw thrusting forth like the prow of a ship. His brow furrowed , the lines there looking like the strands of a barbed wire fence.
"And would sir like fries with that?", he growled.

The imagery here is good. I could add a short paragraph, like this:

His eyes viewed the room with his customary icy gaze. His chiselled jaw thrusting forth like the prow of a ship. His brow furrowed , the lines there looking like the strands of a barbed wire fence.

He looked for the damage, and then saw it: the young man who, seconds before, had tried to blow his head off. The youth now lay in an expanding pool of blood, with fresh rounds of lead settling into his stomach. The fast food hat still clung to his forehead, like a beanie. He stepped over his shattered body and stared down at him.

"And would sir like fries with that?", he growled.

...and make it halfway decent.

 

[LinearMan]

"Chu chu chu" went the washing machine, as it made love to a sweater. He watched her hanging clothes through the window, wishing the sleeves were his face, and that her hands were fabric softening his soul.

I like that one

 

[Eumenides]

He stood over his little slut like a Dom ought to stand: tall, proud, and with shoulders pulled back so that his hips thrust forward as if to taunt her with the one thing she couldn't have, even though she probably couldn't see it, anyway. He reared back his mighty hand and spanked her until he was finished spanking her. When he was finished spanking her, he mounted her and rode her until he was done. Then they snuggled.

 

[Recidiva]

She was hot. Hot like sizzling hot. He wanted her like hot things on his tongue. Hot like pepper. Hot like that stuff in little bottles on tables with the red lids.

She saw him and her eyes sizzled. Like steam rising from her eyes, it seemed to him and to her and to both of them together.

She mouthed "Cum and get me" and he just about did. Right then. Right there. Dreaming of hot stuff in little bottles on tables with the red lids. He'd find one of those bottles, all right, and he'd show her.

 

[John Doe]

The rain splattered wetly against the window as steam wafted gaseously from the heating grate on the sidewalk. People were walking on the sidewalk too, beside the street. I guess that's why they call it a sidewalk instead of something else.

She walked into my office like she owned it, even though she didn't. I did. That's why it's mine. Her eyes glistened like a freshly spilled slick of oil, but without the weird rainbowy stuff that floats on top. Her legs went all the from the floor up to her ass. That wasn't special since most legs do that anyway, but hers did the job particularly well.

"I hear you're a dick."

"I have a few enemies, but I get along well enough with most people."

"I mean a P.I."

"I don't go in for that kinky stuff, even on overtime."

"A private investigator," she explained, peeved like someone who had stepped on a nail and couldn't swear because they were in church.

Okay, I'm stopping now before I write an entire cheesy crime novel.

 

[kbate]

She was hot. Hot like sizzling hot. He wanted her like hot things on his tongue. Hot like pepper. Hot like that stuff in little bottles on tables with the red lids..

That's Hawt.

Then they snuggled.

They should have snuggled painfully.

 

[Recidiva]

The rain splattered wetly against the window as steam wafted gaseously from the heating grate on the sidewalk. People were walking on the sidewalk too, beside the street. I guess that's why they call it a sidewalk instead of something else.

She walked into my office like she owned it, even though she didn't. I did. That's why it's mine. Her eyes glistened like a freshly spilled slick of oil, but without the weird rainbowy stuff that floats on top. Her legs went all the from the floor up to her ass. That wasn't special since most legs do that anyway, but hers did the job particularly well.

"I hear you're a dick."

"I have a few enemies, but I get along well enough with most people."

"I mean a P.I."

"I don't go in for that kinky stuff, even on overtime."

"A private investigator," she explained, peeved like someone who had stepped on a nail and couldn't swear because they were in church.

Okay, I'm stopping now before I write an entire cheesy crime novel.

*giggles*

Bravo!

 

[Recidiva]

That's Hawt.

She was cold. The kinda cold that made ya wanna...crack her open, kinda. Like see the ice melt and reveal...more ice.

And then more ice. But there would be water then. Water and maybe steam if you blew on her hard enough.

I just had to know. Had to know. When does the ice...become not ice...and then become water...and then become steam.

It was a cold thought. One that nestled into the brain like an ice pick. Glinty and hard.