In this thread, Litsters solve awkward problems for other Litsters

[Mr_bogey]

Did you ever have an issue that was awkward to raise and you are afraid your friends will think less of you for asking? Well, we are all at least moderately anonymous here so ask away and see if you get some top notch advice from the devious minds of lit.

I'll start. My wife has a habit of inviting her parents (and often other family) to events that weren't designed for such things. They are elderly and have health issues and instead of enjoying friends, we end up doing things to include them and adjusting dinner times. I wouldn't mind if it was occasional or if she asked me rather than "I think my parents are going to come if you don't mind." There are times I do mind but I don't know how to say it. Thinking I am just going to ask her to discuss BEFORE extending the invite. What say you lit?

Feel free to tell me I'm being an ass.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

Maybe create a new invitation protocol for when you are having a party or gathering. Start a *written list and go over it together as you add people. That’s the time to bring up the elders and pitch the “ it’s so much extra work hosting them and takes away from our other guests “ ….something alone those lines.

good luck

 

[NRJLIVES4ever]

Make seperate plans with the parents. Take them to brunch or dinner and spend time with them, independent of your other plans. If they're older they're probably not going to want to join you on your skydiving trip or metal concert that you're all psyched for.

I don't think you're being an ass. You're well within your rights to set a boundary. You have plans because you want to do something fun. Not take care of your in-laws. Me? It drives me batshit when plans change on a dime. So I feel you.

 

[Beholders_Eye]

Did you ever have an issue that was awkward to raise and you are afraid your friends will think less of you for asking? Well, we are all at least moderately anonymous here so ask away and see if you get some top notch advice from the devious minds of lit.

I'll start. My wife has a habit of inviting her parents (and often other family) to events that weren't designed for such things. They are elderly and have health issues and instead of enjoying friends, we end up doing things to include them and adjusting dinner times. I wouldn't mind if it was occasional or if she asked me rather than "I think my parents are going to come if you don't mind." There are times I do mind but I don't know how to say it. Thinking I am just going to ask her to discuss BEFORE extending the invite. What say you lit?

Feel free to tell me I'm being an ass.

I am one of the (elderly) parents in your scenario. I appreciate the courtesy my downstream family gives on these matters. What I am saying is that I suspect the older family members you mention will also appreciate the consideration of not participating in activities designed for younger folks. They will probably not be upset if an invitation is not offered.

That said...your wife may really want and need to see her older family members, so be proactive in helping her plan activities that facilitate that need.

 

[StillRain]

One day they will be gone and the problem will be solved. Until then I would suggest going to places that are elder inaccessible like… up a mountain or a maybe even a munch. Or maybe themed nights like …come dressed as your favourite capybara.

I cannot wait to give out more helpful advice in here.

 

[OtherMan]

That said...your wife may really want and need to see her older family members, so be proactive in helping her plan activities that facilitate that need.

This…. and….

One day they will be gone and the problem will be solved. Until then I would suggest going to places that are elder inaccessible

This…

I was gonna respond but… @StillRain and @Beholders_Eye seem to have summed it up nicely.

 

[StillRain]

But it makes such a mess in the costume when you do that.

Dry cleaners. One you don’t use regularly.




Gosh I am good at this advice thing. Who knew.

 

[StillRain]

Not gonna lie, I really thought this thread would have much more for me to do.

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

Did you ever have an issue that was awkward to raise and you are afraid your friends will think less of you for asking? Well, we are all at least moderately anonymous here so ask away and see if you get some top notch advice from the devious minds of lit.

I'll start. My wife has a habit of inviting her parents (and often other family) to events that weren't designed for such things. They are elderly and have health issues and instead of enjoying friends, we end up doing things to include them and adjusting dinner times. I wouldn't mind if it was occasional or if she asked me rather than "I think my parents are going to come if you don't mind." There are times I do mind but I don't know how to say it. Thinking I am just going to ask her to discuss BEFORE extending the invite. What say you lit?

Feel free to tell me I'm being an ass.

You're not being an ass. Like Beholders Eye said, there's probably some events they would rather not attend but do it for her.

As long as she's spending plenty of time with them otherwise, you should be able to suggest alternate plans with them. Don't want them going to the rager at night? Take them to 4:30 dinner (my parents eat then ) and drop them off at home before the party.

 

[ImiGirrst]

Did you ever have an issue that was awkward to raise and you are afraid your friends will think less of you for asking? Well, we are all at least moderately anonymous here so ask away and see if you get some top notch advice from the devious minds of lit.

I'll start. My wife has a habit of inviting her parents (and often other family) to events that weren't designed for such things. They are elderly and have health issues and instead of enjoying friends, we end up doing things to include them and adjusting dinner times. I wouldn't mind if it was occasional or if she asked me rather than "I think my parents are going to come if you don't mind." There are times I do mind but I don't know how to say it. Thinking I am just going to ask her to discuss BEFORE extending the invite. What say you lit?

Feel free to tell me I'm being an ass.

First off, I definitely agree with you that often it's a lot easier to bring up issues with online friends. There is an additional dose of belief for what someone says. You aren't confronting someone, so you dont have to worry if that someone is just saying what you want to hear in order to escape without confrontation or if their answer is sincere. On a posting board, people only answer because they want to. While there is a population of trolls, I think we develop a sense when a post is intended to mess with us, for the poster's pleasure. So online can be more real.

For the specific incidence, I don't think you're being an ass - I do think it's a delicate issue. And I have to admit, for a long time, I had no idea that my ex sometimes felt the same way. I wonder sometimes if this helped to push him to leave.
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For me, my ex was very wishy washy when I brought the topic up to him. Yes, you read that right, I had to bring it up to him. Being passive aggressive, I had to listen to and read into his quiet and sometimes snide comments, to figure out what was bothering him. It was a way to knock me off center, and make it an issue I had to solve because it bothered him. I suppose this is a valid technique, because it can turn off the defensiveness the person you need to speak with (in this case your wife).
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Now personally, now that I figured this out, it pisses me the fuck off. But that response is the very reason he did it - to disarm me. Because if he had been direct, I might have come out swinging anyway at the slight to my parents.
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My mom has always said to ask the universe to provide the right time that a request can be made - in this case, when she is more disposed to listening and having an open mind. But you have to know what you want to say to her in a kind and gentle way. I would recommend against making it something you want, so it comes across as selfish. Rather I would approach it as a way for you two to be close - so it's about remembering that you are a couple, rather than children to aging parents. That's a hard thing to turn down for a woman. When her man wants to BE with her, because they are together.
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Another option depends on your relationship with her parents. If it's good, you might could approach them for their insight and assistance. Approach it the same way, as a concern about having time with their daughter. Parents tend to want good things for their kids. If they are at all self-aware, they will know how much it takes to bring them along. My mom would always mention to me about taking my kid so my ex and i could spend time together. She knew it was important for us as a couple. That we didn't take her up on it often is a story for another thread. The conversation could reveal what mine did - that sometimes they don't WANT to go themselves, but they are encouraged to go by their daughter. This might happen outside your knowledge. You may find they may do your dirty work for you. Or become your allies.
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I would also listen for clues about why she brings them. For me, I spent over 20 years away from my parents. For most of that time, I was a two day drive away from them. I left when I was 18 and I didn't get them back until my kid was born. My dad was disabled and I craved and cherished every new memory and time I had with him, because it was clear we were on borrowed time. Is this what she's thinking? And do you want to pull her away from this just because you're tired of carting them around? Now, posed like this - you can see some asshole in that. But have you looked at it from this perspective. Because if that borrowed time has an expiration date, well, youll get her back them - and you will know you gave her the gift of time with her parents. If she doesn't notice, at the very least, you will know. Personally, I am very grateful for all the support my ex gave me.
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I just wish we had been a bit better at communicating, so we could have fit all this together. Hopefully this helps.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

I know the elderly wouldn’t feel comfortable attending events planned with a more youthful theme involved, but I know they like being included in some events as well. Being respectful of YOUR time, energies and plans is something to consider as well.

A masquerade party for example or something with a younger “theme” as well as something specifically with focus on mature participation such as a basic cookout is something to share with your significant other. Or just taking the parents out to the park and having friends and family “show up”
could be fun as well. Different activities are offered at different local parks as summer is soon upon us. Going to the pool or the beach is not something all elderly wants to attend.

Spur of the moment plans are best suited for those who can get there at a moment’s notice. Thought out plans may encourage extra action or added plans from others.

Just a thought…

 

[Apisto42]

Talk to your wife now. When no events are planned. Tell her how you feel. Your concerns over the possibility that her folks may not even enjoy this shit some of the times. Offer (as others mentioned) to do shit just with them.

If she leaves you over it, then the silver lining is that you don’t have to worry about your in laws coming to anything else!

 

[SexyVita]

So, there's no magic pill when it comes to relationships.
Long term only one thing works: communicate.

In this case I would guess your wife wants to, or feels obligated to, do things with her parents. But you won't really know for sure unless you ask. You could do something like, "It seems to me that spending time with your parents is important to you, how about we plan some events with them in mind?" That would likely open up a window for conversation without sounding like you don't want her parents around or that you don't care about how she feels. Just my two cents. I hope it helps.

 

[StillRain]

I have a MASSIVE problem, my favourite summer dress is green linen. Is it inappropriate to take this dress to wear when I leave Australian winter behind next week and fly across the world and get to meet @amberLGreen ?

Also should I wax my vag and put on my best sharpie pubes, I know that’s how she likes it. Yay or nay?

 

[AWonkyDonkey]

I have a MASSIVE problem, my favourite summer dress is green linen. Is it inappropriate to take this dress to wear when I leave Australian winter behind next week and fly across the world and get to meet @amberLGreen ?

Also should I wax my vag and put on my best sharpie pubes, I know that’s how she likes it. Yay or nay?

Remember, it's Britain. One minute it'll be blazing sunshine and then the next we'll have hailstones, thunder and lightning and massive gusts of wind!

It should be okay. At the minute we're having some really nice weather and it'll probably still be here when you arrive here.

 

[AmberLGreen]

I have a MASSIVE problem, my favourite summer dress is green linen. Is it inappropriate to take this dress to wear when I leave Australian winter behind next week and fly across the world and get to meet @amberLGreen ?

Also should I wax my vag and put on my best sharpie pubes, I know that’s how she likes it. Yay or nay?

If we are dressing for names, I will wear my best raincoat. It doubles up as a flasher mac!

However, there is no way I am growing my pubes to recreate the Australian Bush

 

[Mr_bogey]

I have a MASSIVE problem, my favourite summer dress is green linen. Is it inappropriate to take this dress to wear when I leave Australian winter behind next week and fly across the world and get to meet @amberLGreen ?

Also should I wax my vag and put on my best sharpie pubes, I know that’s how she likes it. Yay or nay?

The dress sounds lovely, go for it.

#BushIsBack Wear it proud.

 

[StillRain]

If we are dressing for names, I will wear my best raincoat. It doubles up as a flasher mac!

However, there is no way I am growing my pubes to recreate the Australian Bush

If it’s resembling the Australian bush it’s likely on fire and in that case you’re a) going to be in expert company for such extreme bushfire emergencies and b) rubbing it too hard.

 

[StillRain]

The dress sounds lovely, go for it.

#BushIsBack Wear it proud.

Bush is back? But okay.. what if if the bush hangs out the side of the bathers on the beach in Greece?? Is bush THAT back???

 

[StillRain]

Remember, it's Britain. One minute it'll be blazing sunshine and then the next we'll have hailstones, thunder and lightning and massive gusts of wind!

It should be okay. At the minute we're having some really nice weather and it'll probably still be here when you arrive here.

I arrive next week. Look out Britain.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

I have a MASSIVE problem, my favourite summer dress is green linen. Is it inappropriate to take this dress to wear when I leave Australian winter behind next week and fly across the world and get to meet @amberLGreen ?

Also should I wax my vag and put on my best sharpie pubes, I know that’s how she likes it. Yay or nay?

Going to be in UK but I think you will be leaving when I am arriving. Would be a real hootenanny with 3 of us.

 

[StillRain]

Going to be in UK but I think you will be leaving when I am arriving. Would be a real hootenanny with 3 of us.

When do you get there?

 

[AmberLGreen]

If it’s resembling the Australian bush it’s likely on fire and in that case you’re a) going to be in expert company for such extreme bushfire emergencies and b) rubbing it too hard.

You can just tell me that I have a hot fanny. I promise I won’t post it on the most romantic thread

 

[StillRain]

You can just tell me that I have a hot fanny. I promise I won’t post it on the most romantic thread

I won’t need to call you, I’ll just look for your vagina shaped smoke signals.

 

[StillRain]

What a shame I’ll be in Greece when Mo is there.