In Search of Feedback

sunny55235

Virgin
Joined
Jul 25, 2004
Posts
16
I recently posted a story and it hasn't gotten a very good response, but I'm not getting any feedback telling me why that is. Is anyone interested in reading through it and giving me some honest, constructive feedback?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=458991

I realize it's too late to make any changes, but if I ever decide to write a sequel at least I'll know what to avoid (and maybe who to ask to be my editor.)

Thanks!
 
First off, you need to fix that link. The URL itself is broken.

As to the story itself: the first thing I noticed (as a perfectionist-jerkass editor type) is that there are no grammar, spelling or punctuation gaffes in the first few paragraphs. I found none over the course of the story either. In other words, you are above a fairly large percentage of the authorship here for one reason alone: you are fully literate. :)

I think the reason you're not getting too much response is that so much of the story is Telling instead of Showing. Your personal writing style is descriptive, but not particularly immediate; there's a distance between the narrative and the narration. This can be problematic in any story, much less a sex story which is supposed to be crammed to the gills with tactile details about his groans filling the night air, and the acrid smell of his semen as it splashes over her perfect alabaster breasts. So great is the distance in your story that you haven't much dialogue: about one line of speech for every three lines of non-speech (description, back story, etc), if it's not 1:4. That's a major deal to me, though your mileage may vary.

But whatever you write next, don't dwell on the doubts. There's no reason for you to hold yourself back. You are a darn good writer, and that's that. :)
 
To make changes to a story you just re-submit with 'Edited' trailing after your original story title. It'll take the same time to re-appear as a newly-submitted story though.

I liked how you set the reader up thinking that Julia is going to get some with her boss and then cruelly dash her hopes, then introduce Ben whom she never really thought about up until now. The build up emotionally after that is good. The sex is good. Finally, the story has some kind of repercussions in the ending, which is nice whether you intend to write a follow-on or just let it stand alone.

I agree with CWatson that it could use more dialogue. It helps us to identify with the characters, even the ones that have a minor role to play. The best and longest dialogue in the story is toward the end of page 2 where Ben asks Julie to stay the night. I think that you could use some dialogue in the opening paragraphs. No harm in a little reader enticement.

Apart from that, good job and good luck with the next one! :)
 
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