In regards to Self Esteem / Self Confidence

[SoundingCliche]

Paul and Silverwhisper have already given great advice, so I'll only say this. I have to wonder why people feel the need to tell this girl how gorgeous, nice, talented she is. Are they trying to convince themselves or others? If her merits don't stand on their own and people keep having to reinforce or "sell" the idea that she's "wonderful", just how wonderful is she really? That scenario always smells fishy to me.

And I don't put much stock by looks. People who are gorgeous simply got the luck of the draw on genetics. Show me someone who's a great person, has morals, compassion, love, etc... and there's someone I admire and want to be around.

I must admit, all the people who I think need some work on their morals and such absolutely worship her. It's the people who I think have their heads on straight and understand life in a non superficial manner that can't stand her.

Even writing all this stuff out is doing me a lot of good. Placing weight to my thoughts so they're not just flying around my head.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I must remember that I'm in control of my feelings...or, I at least have the ability to be when I'm thinking in a rational matter.

Her brother likes to stir up trouble a lot. He mentioned to her friends that I had cornered her in her place of work to check her out and tell her to "back the fuck off. he's mine". Which is NOT like me at all, haha. That escalated from the fact that I went into a clothes store one day and she was working there. It was very early on in my partners and my relationship so I didn't acknowledge that I knew who she was, and she didn't acknowledge me either. We had this whole interaction where she bought me out all these beautiful clothes for me to try on and she was conversing with me and talking to me about how flattering my figure was. I'll tell you what, she's bloody good at her job! haha. I tried on the clothes, told her I wasn't happy with how they looked on but thanked her for the help and continued on with my day.

Actually. It's really freakin' funny the more that I think about it. I felt right out of a poorly written sitcom.

Are you bi-sexual? It just occurred to me that she touches it in you.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Eh, as difficult as it sounds, don't be concerned about it. Your partner is with YOU, not with her. She may have a serious character flaw that your partner saw and couldn't live with. She may be beautiful and talented, but so are you.

For what it's worth, it is most certainly not childish. Irrational? Maybe. Childish? Absolutely not. Everyone gets hit by insecurity on occasion, and anyone who dares to tell you otherwise is lying through his/her teeth and has absolutely no empathy whatsoever.

As for social media - remember, it's really really easy to fish for compliments. A simple status that reads "feeling sooooo incredibly blah today" or "Gosh, this is so difficult" will get comments of how beautiful and talented she is. Social media isn't a reflection of our life; rather it is a reflection of how we wish our life was. So do not go by what people say on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr/NameYourMedia, because that is not reality. Reality is what you have with your partner.

As for the photos, again, no big whoop. I know I have some photos of some exes stashed around somewhere. I couldn't bear to throw them out because while the relationship with them didn't work out, they are genuinely lovely people. It's not an indication of pining or wanting them back, but rather mementos of fond memories of which I have zero interest in repeating.

My goodness, you're so right. It would be so easy to write something as a status asking for compliments but I always make a mental note not to do so. Hell, even after reading all these beautiful things from strangers I can see how a person could feed off the wonderful feelings. But at the end of the day, it was hard enough writing this to a group of people I don't even know so as I can take a step forward in the right direction, let alone broadcasting it across the wide world of my social media.

And don't worry, I didn't mind the photos at all. In fact, I insisted he keep them if they were good memories. I just bought them up because they were the catalyst of it all *smiles*

 

[SoundingCliche]

I'll let you in on a little secret most of which has already been posted. You aren't the center of the universe. You are just a little blip in the scheme of things and you are just penciled in like the rest of us. You do not have to be perfect, beautiful, smart, nor anything else. You probably are those things, but you do not have to be in order to be lovable, beautiful, worthwhile, acceptable and cared for. Just be. And if little brother likes to make remarks, remember, you've got the goods and she doesn't. And if someday, bad things happen and the goods you've got go away, you will grieve, fell angry, be depressed and all those other bad feelings that come to those of us who lose big time. But you will survive and do well.

relax.

I think that's all the advice I need sometimes, haha. Thank you very much

 

[SoundingCliche]

Maybe you're just jealous of her. It seems to me that jealousy amongst women occurs much more commonly than between men. Successful women get as much if not more hostility from other women as they do men. I sometimes wonder how much of some women's concern for their outward appearance is less to do with aesthetics and more to do with wanting other women to feel jealous. I don't know, just a thought. But, thinking along the same lines his ex is likely to be jealous of you as you are actually with him now. And who knows, maybe she was crap in the sack.

Honestly. That's probably exactly what it boils down too. We're just two people, caught up in unnecessary jealousy.

To be perfectly honest, I personally don't even find her that attractive. I can SEE how others would, but she's a bit too "party girl" for me. It's very odd. If I'm honest with myself, the jealousy isn't of HER, it's of how others treat her. Especially when I've heard how horrible and rude she is.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Are you bi-sexual? It just occurred to me that she touches it in you.

I actually already asked myself that and came to the conclusion of no.

I've been attracted to women before but she doesn't really do it for me. I look at her and see this attention seeking little girl who just goes out and gets smashed all the time because she's 'liberated and can do what she wants'. It's not even a; you're so different that it excites me and unleashes something inside of me, kind of thing. In fact, if I had no idea who she was, I would think she looked like a moron. I have a job in which I LOVE. A fiance' who treats me like absolute gold. We have our own place, are surviving financially. I have a small group of friends on whom I feel close and connected too. I'm actually incredibly happy as to where I am in life.

Which is why the jealousy doesn't make sense. I suggested perhaps I wasn't jealous of her, but of the way people treated her. After I know all these horrible things she's done to others and people still go crazy about her.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I actually already asked myself that and came to the conclusion of no.

I've been attracted to women before but she doesn't really do it for me. I look at her and see this attention seeking little girl who just goes out and gets smashed all the time because she's 'liberated and can do what she wants'. It's not even a; you're so different that it excites me and unleashes something inside of me, kind of thing. In fact, if I had no idea who she was, I would think she looked like a moron. I have a job in which I LOVE. A fiance' who treats me like absolute gold. We have our own place, are surviving financially. I have a small group of friends on whom I feel close and connected too. I'm actually incredibly happy as to where I am in life.

Which is why the jealousy doesn't make sense. I suggested perhaps I wasn't jealous of her, but of the way people treated her. After I know all these horrible things she's done to others and people still go crazy about her.

I ask because your situation reminds me of a young woman I knew many years ago. Her situation was like yours, including a woman who disturbed her. At the bottom of it was some same sex attraction. It resolved itself as these fancies do as we experience more of people and go from AHHHHH to EWWWWW.

Good luck.

 

[LearnerDom]

Seems to me, that after years of searching, you have finally found exactly what you were looking for, but somehow still cant quite believe it and have racked your subconscious brain for a way to make it less than perfect.
Forget it and think of your cup as half full. You have a wonderful man who loves you and more.
Let yourself go, believe and enjoy

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Seems to me, that after years of searching, you have finally found exactly what you were looking for, but somehow still cant quite believe it and have racked your subconscious brain for a way to make it less than perfect.
Forget it and think of your cup as half full. You have a wonderful man who loves you and more.
Let yourself go, believe and enjoy

Most humans prefer to lament loss than embrace what they have.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I had this pair of shoes once. They were great. I wore them everywhere from shopping to dinner.. they had molded to my feet like bedroom slippers and still managed to always be beautiful. Women used to ask me where I bought them. Men used to notice them before visually tracking up my legs. They were perfect.

One summer came and I found myself drawn into a strappy sandal phase. I loved them.. the way they would cradle my feet and show off my pedicures..

Summer ended and I tried to wear those favorite shoes from the season before but they never really fit quite the same. It wasn't easy, but I eventually found a new favorite pair.. and I'll admit that it was some time before I finally threw that old pair in the trash - never to be worn again.

Anyway.. you've gotten a lot of great advice but I'm going to disagree with one thing.
He needs to ditch the pictures - especially since they have spawned such an outward response in the midst of his current romance. The last thing you need is for both of you to note her beauty while you struggle with this thought that you need to fill her shoes. She's taking up closet space.

 

[SoundingCliche]

I had this pair of shoes once. They were great. I wore them everywhere from shopping to dinner.. they had molded to my feet like bedroom slippers and still managed to always be beautiful. Women used to ask me where I bought them. Men used to notice them before visually tracking up my legs. They were perfect.

One summer came and I found myself drawn into a strappy sandal phase. I loved them.. the way they would cradle my feet and show off my pedicures..

Summer ended and I tried to wear those favorite shoes from the season before but they never really fit quite the same. It wasn't easy, but I eventually found a new favorite pair.. and I'll admit that it was some time before I finally threw that old pair in the trash - never to be worn again.

Anyway.. you've gotten a lot of great advice but I'm going to disagree with one thing.
He needs to ditch the pictures - especially since they have spawned such an outward response in the midst of his current romance. The last thing you need is for both of you to note her beauty while you struggle with this thought that you need to fill her shoes. She's taking up closet space.

to my surprise, he actually threw them out a few weeks after I had seen them. I didn't want him to think that I was kicking particular moments out of his life so I understood if he wanted to keep them. When I first saw them he told me he would throw them out straight away to make me feel better, but I told him to wait until he was ready to throw them out himself. Even if that meant years and years. The photos we both still have are of family holidays that we went on with our exes. I know I keep mine because they're full of memories of my family as well. I can only deduce that's why he kept his. I know for a fact I never look back on them and feel anything for the particular person. In fact I can't remember the last time either of us "looked back" on them. They're in little folders somewhere among the great abysses that are our laptops, haha. Perhaps it IS time for a clean out

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I had this pair of shoes once. They were great. I wore them everywhere from shopping to dinner.. they had molded to my feet like bedroom slippers and still managed to always be beautiful. Women used to ask me where I bought them. Men used to notice them before visually tracking up my legs. They were perfect.

One summer came and I found myself drawn into a strappy sandal phase. I loved them.. the way they would cradle my feet and show off my pedicures..

Summer ended and I tried to wear those favorite shoes from the season before but they never really fit quite the same. It wasn't easy, but I eventually found a new favorite pair.. and I'll admit that it was some time before I finally threw that old pair in the trash - never to be worn again.

Anyway.. you've gotten a lot of great advice but I'm going to disagree with one thing.
He needs to ditch the pictures - especially since they have spawned such an outward response in the midst of his current romance. The last thing you need is for both of you to note her beauty while you struggle with this thought that you need to fill her shoes. She's taking up closet space.

LOL

Lemme see if I follow your logic.

He throws out his old pix and embraces your kids from another time.

I told my jealous bride, I AM NOT THROWING THE PROM PIC AWAY. I mean, she kept hers. My aunt died before my uncle, and his new sweetie pie insisted my aunts pix go away, he gave them to the kids, and sweetie pie went away anyway.

Fuck girls with their faux insecurities and power trips.

 

[leatherleaf]

Ha! Yeah, I was trying to be polite. But from what my fiance' mentioned, she was essentially 'bat shit crazy' and unfaithful. For lack of better terms.

Facebook is such a destructive form of media. I was barely ever on it until I started developing this worry. Now there's some form of masochism involved by going on to it every day! I blocked her to stop myself from seeing any content or looking at her page, but she still kept on popping up repeatedly in other peoples status updates and photos.

It got to the point where I felt really comfortable and confident with myself and the situation so I unblocked her. Just as a little message to myself that I was okay. But after my beautiful partner proposed to me, she wrote up something incredibly horrible about my physical appearance and blocked the both of us. At first I took that as a little victory. But that worry of unjustified hate is coming back and I want the skills to dismiss it.

I guess take solace in the fact that you are living rent free in her head. I would take that as a huge victory. And it sounds like you already have the skills!

 

[GiggLeGasm]

LOL

Lemme see if I follow your logic.

He throws out his old pix and embraces your kids from another time.

I told my jealous bride, I AM NOT THROWING THE PROM PIC AWAY. I mean, she kept hers. My aunt died before my uncle, and his new sweetie pie insisted my aunts pix go away, he gave them to the kids, and sweetie pie went away anyway.

Fuck girls with their faux insecurities and power trips.

cut me some slack.. lol..

I'm not the one who was snooping through my boyfriends private stash to look for stuff!

 

[amofiga]

SoundingCliche

The fact that you recognize that obsessing over someone's ex is childish and destructive is a good start in getting over the fact that she's still alive and in the minds and lives of your boyfriend and his friends. It's easy to be intimidated by someone who YOU perceive is beautiful and goddess. However, YOU are the one with your boyfriend now and not her. That should tell you that you are the one he wants to be with.

I remember some words of "advice" that I read somewhere that I try to believe in even though it can be touch sometimes. In this world, there will always be those who are better looking, smarter, stronger, more talented, richer, whatever when compered to yourself. Likewise, there will always be those who are less physically attractive, less intelligent, weaker, less talented, poorer, etc. It is for the truely secure to: 1) not look down on those lesser than you and 2) not be envious of those better than you. Constantly "comparing" yourself to others will tend to make you proud or jealous and neither is a good thing. Be the best person you are and accept that others appreciate what ever unique qualities you have and try to not be obsessive about comparing yourself to others. It is indeed easier said than done, but the truly happy people in this world are those who accept what they have and make the best of it rather than those who brood over comparisons.

"This above all else, to thine ownself be true."

 

[jomar]

She's no threat and you know she's got a personality disorder, so change your attitude. View her with fascination and impersonally.

 

[Cathleen]

Seems like you've worked through this quiet a bit by writing about it, good for you. You know in your head and now you'll work on feeling it in your heart (or soul if you will). One of the longest distances is the twelve inches from our head to our heart. You'll be fine.

 

[silverwhisper]

gigglegasm, please stop taking james seriously. none of us are, i promise.

ed

 

[GiggLeGasm]

gigglegasm, please stop taking james seriously. none of us are, i promise.

ed

::blink::

::blink::

all I wanted to do was discuss shoes..
and this big meanie..

 

[silverwhisper]

o good grief, gigglegasm. you did not just want to discuss shoes, you wanted to give soundingcliche some advice, like you do with most people who look for advice in how to. and you actually added something useful to the discussion.

just like you usually do.

so when someone disagrees with you, like jamesbjohnson, shithead extraordinaire, i would suggest that you simply ignore them. and i said so. but of the 3 people referenced in this thread (you, me and jimbob), you seem think i'm the jerk, which suggests you need to learn how to read.

ed

 

[GiggLeGasm]

o good grief, gigglegasm. you did not just want to discuss shoes, you wanted to give soundingcliche some advice, like you do with most people who look for advice in how to. and you actually added something useful to the discussion.

just like you usually do.

so when someone disagrees with you, like jamesbjohnson, shithead extraordinaire, i would suggest that you simply ignore them. and i said so. but of the 3 people referenced in this thread (you, me and jimbob), you seem think i'm the jerk, which suggests you need to learn how to read.

ed

don't be a boogerhead.. I didn't mean that YOU were the big meanie!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

o good grief, gigglegasm. you did not just want to discuss shoes, you wanted to give soundingcliche some advice, like you do with most people who look for advice in how to. and you actually added something useful to the discussion.

just like you usually do.

so when someone disagrees with you, like jamesbjohnson, shithead extraordinaire, i would suggest that you simply ignore them. and i said so. but of the 3 people referenced in this thread (you, me and jimbob), you seem think i'm the jerk, which suggests you need to learn how to read.

ed

YOU are the jerk. No one ever cried FOUL when the claim was made. I'm a racist shit stain and youre a jerk. Better you than me.

 

[silverwhisper]

GLG: heh, my bad. :>

and yeah, he's a swine. he's sorta like the ants at a picnic: they always show up but you'll be damned if you'll allow that to mess with a good time.

ed

 

[laguy19]

Youre a Millennial so its natural for you to be self-absorbed and discontented.

Moments ago I watched an interview of a Minority Millennial who has a law degree she's unhappy with. Its just not fair that she doesn't make enough money as a free lance writer to travel and own a new car and hafta live at home with Ma cuz writing pays shit. Its not fair, dammit!

If your fella prefers a drunk dump him, otherwise make yourself attractive for other men.

Oh shut up with your "Millennial generation" nonsense. You sound like some old grandpa who thinks the good ol days were the shit, and todays generation is all bad. Seriously stop bitching and actually answer the question without any judgement.

 

[NightL]

Oh shut up with your "Millennial generation" nonsense. You sound like some old grandpa who thinks the good ol days were the shit, and todays generation is all bad. Seriously stop bitching and actually answer the question without any judgement.

Joined up Feb and your second post is directed at Uncle JibblyDryBits - you have just made his day. Actually older unfortunate ones who are slipping in their faculties need to be treated with a lot less reasoning. Throw an insult or two in there - won't make an ounce of difference to "I I I I I I I I I I I" Uncle JohnsonNotEvenADribble - but may make others laugh. Poke him with a stick, he actually dances from time to time.