In regards to Self Esteem / Self Confidence

[SoundingCliche]

As a young woman trying to find herself, I ask from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts and wisdom on a particular matter.

I have actually been a poster on this site for the past five years (under another name of course) and after lurking the How To forums for quite some time, I finally realized I posed a dilemma of my own.

The thing is, I am often quite happy with my appearance. I have my off days, like we all do, but generally I can look in the mirror and smile back at what I see. While I have my faults personality wise, I am often accepting of them and all in all believe that I'm a pretty decent kind of gal. In fact, hell, I'm going to go out on a whim here and say I accept and love myself in nearly all aspects of my being! There's just one, little problem. Which I have made into a huge problem for myself.

I am in THE most amazing and perfect relationship. The communication is there. The appreciation, the attraction, the romance, the healthy compromise, the complimenting of each others personalities! Essentially, everything I could have ever asked for AND more. In fact, Even though I've been a member for this site for five years, I haven't even touched the site til today since we've been together. This wonderful man gives me everything I could ever need and desire in mind, body and soul.

I know he loves me with all his heart. That he would never even dream of being with another woman. He was completely over his ex when we first got together...the only problem is; I saw pictures of her. The goddess of a woman this girl appeared to be. They were tucked far away and only surfaced when he was moving in with me. I completely and utterly believe that they were just there out of pure forgetfulness on his behalf so that's not the issue. The issue is that he's over her...But I don't seem to be!

A lot of his friends are still incredibly close to with her so even on social media sites like facebook, I'm finding her beautiful, beautiful face appearing everywhere. People constantly telling her how beautiful and talented and cute she is. My partners brother is also her best friend and as he likes to stir up a little bit of controversy, he makes sure to bring her up every time there's a family event.

Truth be told, I've discussed my feelings with my partner and he has been very respectful of them (although confused). But my jealousy of how much she's "worshiped" by everyone sometimes eats away at my own self confidence. She's the type of girl that spends hours upon hours getting ready, has all these designer labels, parties and gets drunk all the time. Constantly craves attention. The exact type of girl that makes me (and my partner) cringe! And yet she still affects me. I know the people who are close to her will never give me a fair chance to get to know me as a person because she would go absolutely crazy and cut them from her life if she knew they had spoken to me. I just find the unjust judgment people have of me to be unfair. I understand these people shouldn't matter, but once again, I only have this problem when it comes to her.

I suppose I'm just pleading for ways that I can work on this issue. Of not comparing and judging myself to someone who shouldn't even be a bleep on my radar. I understand the childishness of it all and perhaps that's the part that upsets me the most. essentially I would love to get a hold of this and continue blossoming into the powerhouse of a woman I know I can be!

Any thoughts, feelings, empathy or kicks up the butt would be greatly appreciated.

- Estelle

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Youre a Millennial so its natural for you to be self-absorbed and discontented.

Moments ago I watched an interview of a Minority Millennial who has a law degree she's unhappy with. Its just not fair that she doesn't make enough money as a free lance writer to travel and own a new car and hafta live at home with Ma cuz writing pays shit. Its not fair, dammit!

If your fella prefers a drunk dump him, otherwise make yourself attractive for other men.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Youre a Millennial so its natural for you to be self-absorbed and discontented.

Moments ago I watched an interview of a Minority Millennial who has a law degree she's unhappy with. Its just not fair that she doesn't make enough money as a free lance writer to travel and own a new car and hafta live at home with Ma cuz writing pays shit. Its not fair, dammit!

If your fella prefers a drunk dump him, otherwise make yourself attractive for other men.

I referenced how I understood the problem to be childish. I am truly happy that you have the confidence to be able to not worry about such things, but that's a skill I don't currently possess. One that I'm currently trying to work on and haven written about to take what I hope to be a positive step forward.

The only thing being a Millennial makes me is quite young. There is a lot that I am trying to understand and so much for me to learn. Which is why I posted the question. You don't have to understand or agree with my thought process, but I would ask politely that you accept and respect it.

I mentioned in my post how my partner had no desire for this other girl. Our relationship is truly wonderful. And I would have no desire to be wanted by other men. I dress nicely and present myself well for my fiance'.

Whether you catergorize me or not...and whether it's true or not. The problem isn't in the relationship. The problem is me not having the skills to be able to feel good enough. Something I know a lot of people suffer from. Something that I'm asking advice in.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Have you talked with your SO about why he broke up with her? Most of the time, when we place someone on a pedestal, learning about them can help make them human. In my experience there are reasons why a couple breaks up - and sometimes, those reasons can help strip the myth of the other.

 

[leatherleaf]

Yeah what Paul said. This girl is gorgeous - everything you think you are not. Yet he's with you and not her.

I struggle with this too and I'm a guy.

Let's face it - there's always someone out there better, more well-endowed, smarter, sexier than any of us. But we never get to learn their personality flaws. I'm guessing maybe his ex was batshit crazy or she wasn't very faithful. Some people who THINK they are attractive are horrible people to be around because they only need a small ego boost to turn into monsters.

You'll never know all that. Facebook is called FACEbook for a reason. Its because that's about as deep as you can look there. You are only seeing the surface. It looks pretty nice. Now imagine all the bad underneath.

J

 

[sereneone4u]

Have you talked with your SO about why he broke up with her? Most of the time, when we place someone on a pedestal, learning about them can help make them human. In my experience there are reasons why a couple breaks up - and sometimes, those reasons can help strip the myth of the other.

Damn you are good, Paul.

It does not manner how "perfect" the world sees a certain person.
We love who we love regardless of their imperfections and their perfections.
If he wanted her, he would be with her.
He is with you, he wants you.
Take comfort in that fact and continue to be the best you, you can be.
Let go of this other person.
If you find yourself starting to think of them and compare yourself to them,
just stop. Literally just tell yourself inside your head, hell out loud if you have to,
STOP.
Think of all the wonderful qualities you possess.

Best of luck to you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I referenced how I understood the problem to be childish. I am truly happy that you have the confidence to be able to not worry about such things, but that's a skill I don't currently possess. One that I'm currently trying to work on and haven written about to take what I hope to be a positive step forward.

The only thing being a Millennial makes me is quite young. There is a lot that I am trying to understand and so much for me to learn. Which is why I posted the question. You don't have to understand or agree with my thought process, but I would ask politely that you accept and respect it.

I mentioned in my post how my partner had no desire for this other girl. Our relationship is truly wonderful. And I would have no desire to be wanted by other men. I dress nicely and present myself well for my fiance'.

Whether you catergorize me or not...and whether it's true or not. The problem isn't in the relationship. The problem is me not having the skills to be able to feel good enough. Something I know a lot of people suffer from. Something that I'm asking advice in.

Your anxiety comes from your generational mindset. It aint working because it assumes that all of us are perfect and infallible and nice as pie. So I'm suggesting that you trust what works in every generation, and always will. Human Nature is 600 million years old, it is not the latest nifty idea hatched at Pixley Hooterville University.

And dump the PARTNER meme. Love is never a legal-political artifice. Your fear will lessen when you act like a female rather than a partner.

 

[Doog_kuron]

As a young woman trying to find herself, I ask from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts and wisdom on a particular matter.

I have actually been a poster on this site for the past five years (under another name of course) and after lurking the How To forums for quite some time, I finally realized I posed a dilemma of my own.

The thing is, I am often quite happy with my appearance. I have my off days, like we all do, but generally I can look in the mirror and smile back at what I see. While I have my faults personality wise, I am often accepting of them and all in all believe that I'm a pretty decent kind of gal. In fact, hell, I'm going to go out on a whim here and say I accept and love myself in nearly all aspects of my being! There's just one, little problem. Which I have made into a huge problem for myself.

I am in THE most amazing and perfect relationship. The communication is there. The appreciation, the attraction, the romance, the healthy compromise, the complimenting of each others personalities! Essentially, everything I could have ever asked for AND more. In fact, Even though I've been a member for this site for five years, I haven't even touched the site til today since we've been together. This wonderful man gives me everything I could ever need and desire in mind, body and soul.

I know he loves me with all his heart. That he would never even dream of being with another woman. He was completely over his ex when we first got together...the only problem is; I saw pictures of her. The goddess of a woman this girl appeared to be. They were tucked far away and only surfaced when he was moving in with me. I completely and utterly believe that they were just there out of pure forgetfulness on his behalf so that's not the issue. The issue is that he's over her...But I don't seem to be!

A lot of his friends are still incredibly close to with her so even on social media sites like facebook, I'm finding her beautiful, beautiful face appearing everywhere. People constantly telling her how beautiful and talented and cute she is. My partners brother is also her best friend and as he likes to stir up a little bit of controversy, he makes sure to bring her up every time there's a family event.

Truth be told, I've discussed my feelings with my partner and he has been very respectful of them (although confused). But my jealousy of how much she's "worshiped" by everyone sometimes eats away at my own self confidence. She's the type of girl that spends hours upon hours getting ready, has all these designer labels, parties and gets drunk all the time. Constantly craves attention. The exact type of girl that makes me (and my partner) cringe! And yet she still affects me. I know the people who are close to her will never give me a fair chance to get to know me as a person because she would go absolutely crazy and cut them from her life if she knew they had spoken to me. I just find the unjust judgment people have of me to be unfair. I understand these people shouldn't matter, but once again, I only have this problem when it comes to her.

I suppose I'm just pleading for ways that I can work on this issue. Of not comparing and judging myself to someone who shouldn't even be a bleep on my radar. I understand the childishness of it all and perhaps that's the part that upsets me the most. essentially I would love to get a hold of this and continue blossoming into the powerhouse of a woman I know I can be!

Any thoughts, feelings, empathy or kicks up the butt would be greatly appreciated.

- Estelle

It must feel pretty tough hearing from every quarter how wonderful this woman is, how perfect she is. Pedestal worshiping is never realistic. We all want to project onto others just how great, perfect and all round nice we are. The reality of course is that we are all human, all flawed, have our own unique strengths and of course our weaknesses. If she was so perfect, so wonderful she'd be running the world and your man would still be with her. Of course she isn't perfect. She has just as many flaws as the rest of us.

Perhaps learning about the reasons for their break up might, as some have already suggested, make this person less than shiny. Though difficult to push past when others keep going on about it, at the end of the day you are in a happy relationship.

 

[Que]

As Paul pointed out he is not with HER for a reason.

The thing to keep in mind the old saw about really beautiful women is no matter how beautiful she is there is some guy somewhere who is completely sick of her shit.

Of course it's pretty shallow to assume that only beautiful women are annoying -ugly women can be equally annoying with no aesthetically tolerable upside.

I like that you rambled a bit...it gave us quite a bit of insight I think.

I noticed you making excuses for why he accidentally has pictures of a beautiful woman that he is been with in the past.. He doesn't need an excuse. WHy wouldn't he want to relive the good times? That doesn't mean he wants her back.

Surely there's some guy in your past that you have fun memories about that you would never go back to.

 

[FGB]

"She's the type of girl that spends hours upon hours getting ready, has all these designer labels, parties and gets drunk all the time. Constantly craves attention. The exact type of girl that makes me (and my partner) cringe! "

So who broke up with whom?

I've married a couple of seriously beautiful woman in my life and dated several more as well as a bunch I'd call average...(for Texas!) these are my opinions not others I should add.

They are ALL my ex's for one reason or the other and only one would I even consider dating again.

My point is this They just happened to look good and one thing for sure ...All that glitters is not Gold or Diamonds.

You are probably thinking ...Why me when he could be with someone like that?

And he is thinking it take more than looks to be beautiful!

 

[silverwhisper]

look, soundingcliche...

the problem isn't her. you know perfectly well that the ex isn't a better person than you. you've been told as much & you can plainly see it.

the brother however is a dick and sounds like an attention seeking little bitch. kinda like the ex. maybe he's got a crush on her. but that's not your headache.

you cannot control what other people do, say or feel: only your reactions to those things. so be gracious. people don't get married just on the basis of the stupid superficial crap--well, OK, smart people don't. you don't seek attention (or hence i would suspect, drama).

she's already lost. don't let her take up residence in your head, OK?

ed

 

[simplegirl]

People constantly telling her how beautiful and talented and cute she is. My partners brother is also her best friend and as he likes to stir up a little bit of controversy, he makes sure to bring her up every time there's a family event.

Paul and Silverwhisper have already given great advice, so I'll only say this. I have to wonder why people feel the need to tell this girl how gorgeous, nice, talented she is. Are they trying to convince themselves or others? If her merits don't stand on their own and people keep having to reinforce or "sell" the idea that she's "wonderful", just how wonderful is she really? That scenario always smells fishy to me.

And I don't put much stock by looks. People who are gorgeous simply got the luck of the draw on genetics. Show me someone who's a great person, has morals, compassion, love, etc... and there's someone I admire and want to be around.

 

[fire_breeze]

Eh, as difficult as it sounds, don't be concerned about it. Your partner is with YOU, not with her. She may have a serious character flaw that your partner saw and couldn't live with. She may be beautiful and talented, but so are you.

For what it's worth, it is most certainly not childish. Irrational? Maybe. Childish? Absolutely not. Everyone gets hit by insecurity on occasion, and anyone who dares to tell you otherwise is lying through his/her teeth and has absolutely no empathy whatsoever.

As for social media - remember, it's really really easy to fish for compliments. A simple status that reads "feeling sooooo incredibly blah today" or "Gosh, this is so difficult" will get comments of how beautiful and talented she is. Social media isn't a reflection of our life; rather it is a reflection of how we wish our life was. So do not go by what people say on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr/NameYourMedia, because that is not reality. Reality is what you have with your partner.

As for the photos, again, no big whoop. I know I have some photos of some exes stashed around somewhere. I couldn't bear to throw them out because while the relationship with them didn't work out, they are genuinely lovely people. It's not an indication of pining or wanting them back, but rather mementos of fond memories of which I have zero interest in repeating.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

relax

I'll let you in on a little secret most of which has already been posted. You aren't the center of the universe. You are just a little blip in the scheme of things and you are just penciled in like the rest of us. You do not have to be perfect, beautiful, smart, nor anything else. You probably are those things, but you do not have to be in order to be lovable, beautiful, worthwhile, acceptable and cared for. Just be. And if little brother likes to make remarks, remember, you've got the goods and she doesn't. And if someday, bad things happen and the goods you've got go away, you will grieve, fell angry, be depressed and all those other bad feelings that come to those of us who lose big time. But you will survive and do well.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Have you talked with your SO about why he broke up with her? Most of the time, when we place someone on a pedestal, learning about them can help make them human. In my experience there are reasons why a couple breaks up - and sometimes, those reasons can help strip the myth of the other.

I've discussed my feelings with him before. He explained their relationship and to be honest, it sounded horrifying! She seemed incredibly selfish and jealous. Very unreasonable and just a complete and utter handful. Made him pay for everything, didn't let him talk to other women, expected him to drive her everywhere at all hours in the morning. He mentioned that he was with her and stayed with her because he was young and didn't understand the concept of how being good looking ISN'T an excuse for treating people poorly.

and yet she still gets me. This is the dilemma I was mentioning, haha. I just don't know WHY. Although, it has been lovely and reassuring reading everyones comments.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Yeah what Paul said. This girl is gorgeous - everything you think you are not. Yet he's with you and not her.

I struggle with this too and I'm a guy.

Let's face it - there's always someone out there better, more well-endowed, smarter, sexier than any of us. But we never get to learn their personality flaws. I'm guessing maybe his ex was batshit crazy or she wasn't very faithful. Some people who THINK they are attractive are horrible people to be around because they only need a small ego boost to turn into monsters.

You'll never know all that. Facebook is called FACEbook for a reason. Its because that's about as deep as you can look there. You are only seeing the surface. It looks pretty nice. Now imagine all the bad underneath.

J

Ha! Yeah, I was trying to be polite. But from what my fiance' mentioned, she was essentially 'bat shit crazy' and unfaithful. For lack of better terms.

Facebook is such a destructive form of media. I was barely ever on it until I started developing this worry. Now there's some form of masochism involved by going on to it every day! I blocked her to stop myself from seeing any content or looking at her page, but she still kept on popping up repeatedly in other peoples status updates and photos.

It got to the point where I felt really comfortable and confident with myself and the situation so I unblocked her. Just as a little message to myself that I was okay. But after my beautiful partner proposed to me, she wrote up something incredibly horrible about my physical appearance and blocked the both of us. At first I took that as a little victory. But that worry of unjustified hate is coming back and I want the skills to dismiss it.

 

[SoundingCliche]

Damn you are good, Paul.

It does not manner how "perfect" the world sees a certain person.
We love who we love regardless of their imperfections and their perfections.
If he wanted her, he would be with her.
He is with you, he wants you.
Take comfort in that fact and continue to be the best you, you can be.
Let go of this other person.
If you find yourself starting to think of them and compare yourself to them,
just stop. Literally just tell yourself inside your head, hell out loud if you have to,
STOP.
Think of all the wonderful qualities you possess.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, my man certainly makes me feel so special and loved. There is not a doubt in the world I have that he would ever leave me, let alone for his ex.

I think the words "Let go" are perhaps the ones that I'll be using a lot. Thank you very much!

 

[SoundingCliche]

It must feel pretty tough hearing from every quarter how wonderful this woman is, how perfect she is. Pedestal worshiping is never realistic. We all want to project onto others just how great, perfect and all round nice we are. The reality of course is that we are all human, all flawed, have our own unique strengths and of course our weaknesses. If she was so perfect, so wonderful she'd be running the world and your man would still be with her. Of course she isn't perfect. She has just as many flaws as the rest of us.

Perhaps learning about the reasons for their break up might, as some have already suggested, make this person less than shiny. Though difficult to push past when others keep going on about it, at the end of the day you are in a happy relationship.

Something that I just need to keep remembering *smiles* thank you for your words and advice

 

[SoundingCliche]

As Paul pointed out he is not with HER for a reason.

The thing to keep in mind the old saw about really beautiful women is no matter how beautiful she is there is some guy somewhere who is completely sick of her shit.

Of course it's pretty shallow to assume that only beautiful women are annoying -ugly women can be equally annoying with no aesthetically tolerable upside.

I like that you rambled a bit...it gave us quite a bit of insight I think.

I noticed you making excuses for why he accidentally has pictures of a beautiful woman that he is been with in the past.. He doesn't need an excuse. WHy wouldn't he want to relive the good times? That doesn't mean he wants her back.

Surely there's some guy in your past that you have fun memories about that you would never go back to.

Ha. Yes. rambling is a very revealing trait of mine.

And no no, apologies for the miscommunication. I was simply stating that I didn't have an issue with the photos there at all, so that wasn't a problem that needed to be addressed. They were just the catalyst of me realizing how gorgeous she physically appeared. We still have all our old photo holidays with other partners and such because of the very reason you mentioned. They're happy memories!

 

[shiny5437]

Maybe you're just jealous of her. It seems to me that jealousy amongst women occurs much more commonly than between men. Successful women get as much if not more hostility from other women as they do men. I sometimes wonder how much of some women's concern for their outward appearance is less to do with aesthetics and more to do with wanting other women to feel jealous. I don't know, just a thought. But, thinking along the same lines his ex is likely to be jealous of you as you are actually with him now. And who knows, maybe she was crap in the sack.

 

[shiny5437]

And when I talk about jealousy I mean it more in terms of being a 'modern day social affliction' rather than a unique personality flaw.

 

[SoundingCliche]

"She's the type of girl that spends hours upon hours getting ready, has all these designer labels, parties and gets drunk all the time. Constantly craves attention. The exact type of girl that makes me (and my partner) cringe! "

So who broke up with whom?

I've married a couple of seriously beautiful woman in my life and dated several more as well as a bunch I'd call average...(for Texas!) these are my opinions not others I should add.

They are ALL my ex's for one reason or the other and only one would I even consider dating again.

My point is this They just happened to look good and one thing for sure ...All that glitters is not Gold or Diamonds.

You are probably thinking ...Why me when he could be with someone like that?

And he is thinking it take more than looks to be beautiful!

She actually broke up with him. The story goes that they were in a relationship for about six months and it was going horribly. They were on the verge of breaking up when my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma cancer. They decided to stay together all through his treatment and recovery and by the time it was all over, he said he stayed with her because he felt like he had to repay her for staying with him that time, and she said she stayed with him because she didn't want to 'seem like a bitch' for leaving a guy who just had cancer. They stayed together for about another year but one morning he came home from work and she had just packed up all her things from the house and left. She left a note explaining she didn't want any contact with him and that it was the only way that she could leave. Then there was no contact until she found out he was seeing someone else. Which was a cue for her to start contacting him again. She was all of a sudden very worried about his well being.

 

[shiny5437]

Then there was no contact until she found out he was seeing someone else. Which was a cue for her to start contacting him again. She was all of a sudden very worried about his well being.

I rest my case!

 

[SoundingCliche]

look, soundingcliche...

the problem isn't her. you know perfectly well that the ex isn't a better person than you. you've been told as much & you can plainly see it.

the brother however is a dick and sounds like an attention seeking little bitch. kinda like the ex. maybe he's got a crush on her. but that's not your headache.

you cannot control what other people do, say or feel: only your reactions to those things. so be gracious. people don't get married just on the basis of the stupid superficial crap--well, OK, smart people don't. you don't seek attention (or hence i would suspect, drama).

she's already lost. don't let her take up residence in your head, OK?

ed

I must remember that I'm in control of my feelings...or, I at least have the ability to be when I'm thinking in a rational matter.

Her brother likes to stir up trouble a lot. He mentioned to her friends that I had cornered her in her place of work to check her out and tell her to "back the fuck off. he's mine". Which is NOT like me at all, haha. That escalated from the fact that I went into a clothes store one day and she was working there. It was very early on in my partners and my relationship so I didn't acknowledge that I knew who she was, and she didn't acknowledge me either. We had this whole interaction where she bought me out all these beautiful clothes for me to try on and she was conversing with me and talking to me about how flattering my figure was. I'll tell you what, she's bloody good at her job! haha. I tried on the clothes, told her I wasn't happy with how they looked on but thanked her for the help and continued on with my day.

Actually. It's really freakin' funny the more that I think about it. I felt right out of a poorly written sitcom.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Paul and Silverwhisper have already given great advice, so I'll only say this. I have to wonder why people feel the need to tell this girl how gorgeous, nice, talented she is. Are they trying to convince themselves or others? If her merits don't stand on their own and people keep having to reinforce or "sell" the idea that she's "wonderful", just how wonderful is she really? That scenario always smells fishy to me.

And I don't put much stock by looks. People who are gorgeous simply got the luck of the draw on genetics. Show me someone who's a great person, has morals, compassion, love, etc... and there's someone I admire and want to be around.

Are you kidding? All the plastic trophies and Vermont teddybear gushing is the times we live in. The signs youre ready to leave therapy is when you refuse those awful group hugs, donate all those cheesy inspirational books to the local thrift store, and walk away from assholes like you walk away from spoiled meat and rancid farts.