In need of feedback

[emisweetie]

Hi,

Sorry to sound like everybody else, but I was hoping to get some feedback on my last two stories, "American Fantasy"

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=147921

And "Who's the boss?"

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=145746

Both are in the loving wives section, and have scored 4.28 and 4.26 respectively. I've had a lot of hits and votes, but precious little feedback, and I'd like to know how to improve. The feedback people have got in this forum seems very good, so anything you can give me would be really appreciated!

Thanks loads,

Emisweetie x

 

[MLyons]

Hi emisweetie,

Well, I tried.

I really don't think I'm a member of the loving wives audience--at least as most of those stories are traditionally written. That said, I did get through American Fantasy. I just had a really hard time caring about any of the characters or what was happening. The tension you did attempt to set up just didn't come across very well, I'm afraid. It might have been really exciting for you as an author to write about something like this, but somehow I just didn't feel it at all. Obviously this is pure fantasy, and there's nothing wrong with pure fantasy, but there just wasn't enough for me to go on in terms of identifying with any of the characters, their motivations, and the sexual interest between them.

I'm afriad this in large part had to do with my own personal tastes though. The setting was off-putting to me because I associate so much... negativity and NON-sexual overtones to it, and I guess I just didn't care.

As far as the other one, I started to read it, but to many readers one of the main strikes against it will be that it's written in the second person. Although I've read stories in the second person I've enjoyed, it really limits your audience to people who REALLY identify with the person who's being addressed in the story. I wasn't able to finish the story, though. There were too many incidences of the woman trying to tell me how I feel, or would feel and that just got old fast. I think it might have been more successful if you had concentrated on how the woman felt about what the man was doing to her, and limited your description of him to his actions, or the occasional conjecture on her part judging from his looks and body language. As it stands, she's just magically getting into his head and basically telling the reader how to feel, and that will drive alot of readers away--including myself.

Anyway, second person viewpoint is very very limited, and although not impossible to write successfully, my guess is that you'll broaden your audience significantly if you limit your use of it.

Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't be more help. I really think most of my comments are a matter of taste. Perhaps others who enjoy the loving wives category more than I do will be able to offer you more constructive feedback.

Given all that, however, you write well, and you have a good sense of flow. I would definitely encourage you to keep it up.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I read 'Who's the boss?' and rather enjoyed it. From the words and situations in it it should come over as cliched; but it doesn't, it comes over as tight and finely balanced. I had no idea whether to read it as humour or as horror: it felt all the time like there was going to be some twist in the tail, but it kept me on edge all the time as to what kind of twist it might be.

Surprisingly, what in theory is a bad narrative technique worked out well in this. You shift perspectives: although it's always 'I' and 'you', it shifts from being an omniscient I-narrator retelling past events, to being an uncertain I-participant caught up in the thought of what the you-actor is going to do next. This shouldn't work. But I think you got the balance right, just moving to and fro over how much we can understand the narrator as giving away. That's a big part of what kept me on my toes.

The ending was a little disappointment from this build-up, but on the other hand I think I'd have been more disappointed in something that more obviously satisfied the humour or horror expectations.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read “American Fantasy”

This story has a number of serious problems, but I liked it in spite of them. I think that’s because the premise was so unusual and imaginative, and done very well at the start. although she lost it towards the end and it became a more typical fuck-story. You also write very well, and it did my heart good to see the word “fulsome” used correctly, as well as “candescent”, a particular favorite of mine.

You almost pulled it off, but one of the problems for me was her over-familiarity with American erotic slang. It took her out of character as the story progressed, and I had an urge to say, “Hey! Wait a minute! You’re no foreigner. You speak English just fine.” I think it would have been better had she stuck to the kind of proper-English sexual terms a new English speaker might use: ‘breasts’ instead if ‘tits’, ‘vagina’ instead of ‘pussy’.

There are also continuity and plausibility problems. If she didn’t understand American at the time, how did she know what he was saying? Also, the idea of the marine just putting down his gun for a little nookie wasn't believable at all, nor did I understand why she was so willing to suddenly get fucked by a stranger in front of her husband. If she was trading sex for freedom, that really needed to be made a lot clearer. She was very casual about the sex. Too ready too fast.

From a erotic point of view, I get the feeling that the real hook was supposed to be the idea of being watched by her husband while they screwed. If so, that wasn't played up as much as it should have been. She actually had very little to say about why she did this outrageous thing or what she felt while she was doing it.

Even so, I thought the writing was very good, and the premise quite original.

---dr.M.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I agree with the second-person-may-be-limiting thing. I don't dig it, myself.

 

[emisweetie]

thankyou!

Thankyou to all four of you, I have to agree with everything you wrote. The second person viewpoint is very restrictive to those who read it, I agree. That particular story and another I wrote were requests, so I had a particular person in mind. I think I'll avoid it from now on.

I think my stories do tend to get progressively weaker after bright openings. I don't have a computer myself, I write everything in a 2-3 hour space in an internet cafe, so they do often degenerate into simple "they fuck" territory. I'm saving up so I should have more time to work on them soon.

Anyway, the advice was very useful, thankyou very much! I'm really pleased you had a few positive things to say too. One last thing, I have a story up called "Being Lara". I wrote it in a very bad mood, after a very bad day, and it is pretty awful. Please avoid.

Thankyou!

Emisweetie